For the wait
by M. F. Luder
II.
Sleep to dream
54. air
It's too much, he thinks. Top much to get done, to even pretend to get done, right here, right now. Ryan sighs, running a hand through his hair. The back of his eyes hurt, his forehead has started to thump along with his heartbeat. His fingers are tired, even though he's only done about seven exercises. It's the week, he tells himself. It's the fact that it's midterms and he's been doing this -- doing nothing but studying and studying and studyingstudyingstudying -- for already eleven days, three dedicated to this subject alone, trying to catch up with everything he didn't actually learn during the first part of the semester.
This is Railroads Engineering I and though it's not supposed to be a difficult subject, it is. There are people who flunk it. Good people. Good students. Better students than him, with better GPAs. Even so, Ryan will not be made a fool. He won't flunk it and he will certainly not fucking take it once again next semester. But fuck if he isn't tired and on the verge of just closing his eyes, folding his arms and forgetting about the test tomorrow.
With a sigh, Ryan turns around and looks at the clock. Ten after eight. He curses, groaning. "How is it possible? I've been sitting here for two hours, for two years. Fuck. For ages and it's only eight and I still have all this shit--"
And he's babbling, so he laughs, shaking his head. He got that from Seth, really. Too much hanging out with the guy. Sharing too little space. Having lunch together, all the time. Sleeping together. He chuckles once again.
"If you're talking to yourself and laughing. Dude. Really. You're close to losing it."
Ryan snorts, turning around in his seat, folding his arms over the back of the chair. "I'm tired," he says, giving in. He sighs, closing his eyes. "Fuck. I'm tired."
"I know." The words are whispered against the top his head. There are hands on his shoulder, a stomach against the side of his face.
Ryan smiles, his body relaxing under the touch. He lets himself be pushed against Seth's stomach and chest, and he rests his temple against Seth's ribs. He breathes in, cologne and oranges and peaches, and lets out a long sigh. Hands move, fingers in his hair, rubbing his forehead, another hand on the base of his neck, and Ryan moans in the back of his throat.
Seth laughs and Ryan can hear and feel the movement against his face, against his cheek. He smiles again, the feeling and affection pouring from the other man letting him succumb into rest, for a minute, as a luxury.
"I love you."
It's a whisper but it resonates in Seth's ribcage. Ryan shifts in his seat, unfolding his arms and placing them around Seth's waist. A soft sigh from Seth and Ryan nuzzles his stomach. "I love you," he answers back, muffled by Seth's sweatshirt.
"How much longer?"
Ryan snort. "God. A year? Two? The rest of my life?"
Seth laughs again, the hand in Ryan's hair pausing for a second, pressing his knuckles onto Ryan's hairline. The massage hurts for a second before the pressure in between his eyes recedes and Ryan sighs, long and slowly.
"It won't be that long," Seth says lowly. "You know that. You're almost done."
"I really am not."
"Well, you better be. The exam is tomorrow at eight in the morning."
Ryan groans, shaking his head, tightening his hold on Seth's waist. "I don't wanna do that exam." He pulls away from the safety of Seth's chest, enough to look up at brown eyes. "God. Can I skip it?"
Seth shakes his head, small grin on his lips. "No, you can't."
Ryan knows he's being childish and silly and three kinds of stupid, but this is midterms. Thirty percent of his grade depends on this exam. And he's with Seth, and Seth would never hold it against him if Ryan wants to start talking about how he hates school -- only during exams -- and wishes he didn't have to go to school and can we leave and just take the car and drive? He gets like this, because the pressure can get to be too much, the subjects too exhausting and the time too short for him to learn. He feels stupid half the time, when other people can just pass everything and not spend one single day up until four in the fucking morning because they couldn't get the right answer for one exercise.
Seth leans forward, the hand on Ryan's shoulder moving to cup the side of his face. Ryan leans into the touch, sighing and closing his eyes as he does so. Seth kisses him, slowly and lovingly, and Ryan kisses him back, passionately.
"I love you," Seth says when he pulls away. "And you're going to pass this. You're going to get an 85 in this exam so you only need 60 in the final, okay? I know you can. Dude. You rock." Both his hands are on either side of Ryan's face, one thumb caressing Ryan's cheek. "I love you."
Ryan tilts his head to the side, kissing the inside of Seth's palm. "I know."
"Good. Now study. I'm hoping we can go to bed sometime around one."
Ryan nods and watches Seth walking toward the kitchen table and picks up two books and his notebook. Somehow Seth’s things always make their way from his desk, on the other corner of the room, to the kitchen table. Ryan thinks it's because so Seth can have whole table for himself. Ryan smiles as Seth picks up the books and makes his way to the couch, arranging one pillow on one end of the couch, and lies down. Seth turns around, reaches for the lamp switch and turns it on. It's enough light for Seth.
Ryan nods again, to himself, and turns back to his notes and papers and printed articles to read. He starts reading all he has to read and learn by memory. There's a lot of stuff, from railroads designs focused on the users and cyclist and public transportation. There are ways to deal with the every day congestion of cars. Building new infrastructure is not the answer, like everyone seems to think. It's all here, for Ryan to read and learn, in the Mogridge paradox. There are charts and graphics, but it all comes down the same thing: The more money is invested on highway expansion meant to relief congestion, the more congestion there will be.
Ryan sighs, runs a hand though his hair and lifts his eyes from the articles long enough to glance at the clock. Already close to midnight. He pinches the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes as he does so.
"Dude, you want a Coke?"
Ryan looks up to see Seth, arms folded over the back of the couch, staring at him with soft brown eyes. Seth's tired, Ryan can see the way Seth's eyes are slightly closed and how his dark hair has fallen over them. Ryan smiles. "You want one?"
Seth shrugs, standing up. He makes his way toward the kitchen, stretching his arms toward the ceiling as he does so.
Ryan hears a knuckle or two pop and he grins. "You should go to bed. It's past midnight."
Seth shakes his head, opening the fridge and peering inside. "You know it's pointless. I can't sleep without you." He looks over his shoulder, grin on his lips. "Your fault, really. If you weren't so comfy to sleep on, I wouldn't have this kind of problem."
Ryan laughs, head tilted to the side, and nods. "Yeah, well. You drool on my chest and I don't say a word."
Seth narrows his eyes. "I do not."
"Sure. Whatever. Tell yourself that."
Seth flips him the bird over his head, reaching inside for two Cokes. "I think we've got some Doritos," he says, opening the top cupboard. "Yep. One bag, safe and sound."
Walking toward Ryan, Seth hands him both the can of coke and the bag of Doritos. Ryan takes it, giving Seth a small kiss, and doesn't ask him if he wants some. Seth is more a potato chips kinda guy.
"How much do you have left?" Seth lies down on the couch once again, notebook of Fiction Technique in his hands, looking for the last paragraph he wrote. There's nothing more difficult to do than to write when all he wants is to crawl into bed and close his eyes, but it’s all he has to get done for the week. He only has two more exams left to take, and studying for Asian American Literature when he's sleepy would be so pointless.
"Not much." Ryan flips the pages, realizing he only needs to go over two Theorems of Wardrop and then, well, he’ll ready to face the midterm tomorrow. "Half an hour. Another hour, tops."
Seth nods, leaning his head against the side of the couch, eyes almost closed, pencil barely held in his hand. "Okay. Cool. Just do your best. Don't worry about me."
Ryan smiles and gets back to the studying. It doesn't take him too long. Wardrop is pretty easy to understand. He just has two theorems, which go like this. The first theorem says that there should be equilibrium, while the second say that people really don't care about equilibrium as long as they get wherever they wanna go, in the shortest time possible. Ryan sighs and closes the book. Whatever happens, either Wardrop turns against him and Ryan totally screws up on the theorems or it'll be Mogridge and, right now, at ten fifteen, he really doesn't give a flying fuck.
He walks toward the couch, tilting his head to the side. Seth's still awake, but really only hanging by a thread. Ryan nudges Seth's shoulder with his elbow as it touches the side of the couch. "Ready?"
Seth yawns, turning around to look at Ryan. "You're all done and stuff?"
Ryan smiles. "Yep. Come on. I'm half asleep right now."
"Dude. You so read my mind." Seth closes the notebook and lets it fall onto the couch, making his way around the couch.
Ryan nods, walking to their bathroom and from the corner of his eyes he can see doubling the clothes in a ball and throwing them toward the chair in the corner, falling down. When he walks out, Seth's already in the bed, on his side, and Ryan knows he's only in boxers. Seth watches him with sleepy eyes as Ryan strips to nothing but skin.
Grinning, but obviously too tired to do anything but reach out a hand to Ryan's chest as he lays down on the bed. Ryan's lies on his back, right arm stretched out, and Seth shifts until he finds a comfortable position, one arm around Ryan, the other one somewhere under himself. Seth kisses Ryan's collarbone, shuddering under the touch.
"I'd fuck your brains out if I wasn't so tired."
Ryan chuckles, kissing Seth's temple, then his mouth as Seth lifts his face to him. "I'd fuck your brains out if I didn't know I'd fall asleep somewhere in between." Ryan lingers on Seth's lower lip. "I love you."
Seth nods, kissing him back. "Yep. Love you too." Seth rests his head on the hollow of his neck, breathing in skin. Ryan can feel Seth relaxing, breathing evening, and when Ryan knows Seth's on the verge of falling asleep, Ryan smiles. It's a surprise when he hears Seth's words, "Now you better Ace that subject, dude."
Ryan laughs quietly onto Seth's hair, kissing the top of his head. "Of course."
Seth nods, rubbing his cheek against soft and warm skin. Ryan takes in a deep breath, fingers finding their way into Seth's hair. Seth's hands tighten on his shoulders and his hip, and lets out a soft sigh. Ryan falls asleep, thinking about midterms and how he can't wait for them to be freaking over.