Going down
by M. F. LuderPart two
Ryan sits down on the front steps, fingers crumpled together, as Sandy eyes the car. Seth looks cool, or tries to look cool, and Ryan feels even worse. They shouldn't have gone to that party. He shouldn't have got that close to Long Beach. He shouldn't have let Seth hang out with Donnie.
Ryan closes his eyes shut. Donnie is so much like Ryan, back when he hung out with Trey almost every night, when he slept with Theresa in the back of her car, when he and Arturo bought beers with fake IDs.
For a moment, Ryan wonders if Seth should even be hanging out with him.He sighs. And now, because of his stupidity, the car is trashed. Kirsten is going to kill them. He lowers his eyes when he hears Sandy's incredulous voice.
"So, this happened in the parking lot of the IMAX movie theatre?"
He cringes. Sandy isn't stupid enough to believe that.
"Shark movies bring out a rough crowd."
Ryan wants to snort at Seth's pathetic, lame-ass excuse. Really, who would buy that?
Sandy obviously doesn't, but he lets it slide. "I'll call the insurance company, but you're explaining this to your mother."
Ryan looks up, eyeing Sandy from the side.
"Tonight," Sandy states. He looks over his shoulder at Ryan, staring into his eyes for a moment, before shifting to look at Seth. "Both of you."
Ryan grimaces, turning his head to the side. Kirsten is so going to kill them. There goes the car privileges and afternoons of doing nothing. He wonders about Kirsten's punishment. He wonders if he'll end up having to work for the Newport Group.
Sandy turns once again to stare at the car. "It could get ugly." No shit. Shaking his head, Sandy walks back into the house.
Seth turns around and looks at him. Ryan catches his eyes for a moment before bowing his head down. He can still see Shauna and Vicky all over Seth, and his neck starts to burn.
"So," Seth starts, cocking his head. "Like, did you talk with Marissa?"
Ryan sighs. He called her last night to let her know that he wouldn't make it but she never picked up the phone. He wasn't even going to call her this morning until he watched Seth reaching out for the milk and had to bite down on his lip, hard, to keep himself from reaching out.
"Tried it again this morning ..." Telling himself he actually does want her, her and only her. Her, a girl. "She doesn't want to talk."
"Hey, dude," Seth sighs, looking pained and apologetic.
Ryan wants to reach out and touch him, to take Seth's face in his hands and place their foreheads together. He wants to hug Seth close against his chest.
He bites his lower lip harder, wanting to draw blood to stop thinking about this.
"I'm sorry I salted your game man."
It doesn't matter, not really. Not when Ryan didn't want to go that badly in the first place. Not when he looks at Seth from the corner of his eye and has to clench his hand into a fist because he's afraid he's losing his mind.
He stands up, reaching for his backpack. He wants to get out, to go to work, and worry about dishes and orders instead of how he can stop himself from taking Seth's hand in his.
Ryan feels like an idiot, like a fool. His nails dig into his palm as he slides one handle over his shoulder and tightens his hold on it.
"I gotta get to work," he mumbles, taking his bike and walking away.
He can feel Seth's eyes on his back. He closes his own for a moment, taking a deep breath. He tells himself that this is for the best. Marissa is the one he's supposed to be with. She's the one he's supposed to like.
He opens his eyes and rides away.
Ryan manages to get through two hours without thinking about Seth. For the first half of his shift, however, he had not been able to think about anything but brown curls and that goofy, pained expression.
As he takes table five's order, he looks up to find Seth walking into the Crab Shack. Ryan bites down his lower lip, lowering his gaze back to his customers. He wonders for a moment about instinctively registering Seth's presence in a room. He pushes the thought away.
"Hey."
Ryan shifts, looking at him. "Hey."
"Seth Cohen, your friendly neighborhood pimp, at your service," Seth says, his voice following Ryan when he moves to table six.
Ryan hides his grin while he serves plates of food around the table.
"I had a little conversation with Marissa, and it's totally handled."
"I'll be right back with your drinks," Ryan tells the customers. He wonders if going out on a date with Marissa is a good idea at the moment. He turns around, walking toward the counter, giving Seth a sideways glance as he passes by him. "What are you talking about?"
"Well, it turns out that I'm quite skilled at getting a date, provided it's not for me," Seth shrugs, leaning against the edge of the counter. "You'll have the house to yourself, she's coming over shortly and you will be cooking."
Ryan frowns, cocking his head to one side.
Donnie walks out of the kitchen, greeting Seth. "What's up, man?"
Picking up two more plates, Ryan leaves Seth with Donnie and walks out from behind the counter. He serves the plates onto the respective tables, eyeing table six and remembering the drinks. He goes to the counter to retrieve the glasses. When he hears Seth mention a Newport party. He frowns, pausing for a second, closing his eyes.
Not again. Not the same shit again. Ryan looks over at Seth, but he can't catch the brunette's eye. Inviting Donnie to a Newport party is even worse than him and Seth going to Long Beach. Fuck.
Ryan's jaw tightens. He's still not getting Seth's attention. Looking down at the glasses in his hands, he shakes his head in frustration and walks toward table six. He can hear Donnie accepting Seth's invitation. In the back of his mind, Ryan had hoped Donnie would turn Seth down. No such luck. He growls under his breath as he walks back toward the counter.
He forces himself to calm down, breathing slowly and telling himself there's nothing wrong with Seth going with Donnie. Except, everything's wrong with that picture.His face stern, Ryan approaches Seth, who had his back to him.
Turning around, Seth chuckles, lifting his hands. "Dude, enough with the whole moody-scowl thing. Please, it's not a big deal."
Ryan squints, his voice surprised him with its hoarseness. "You gonna take him to a Newport party?"
"Yeah, exactly, and it will be on my turf." Seth frowns, thinking about it. "Actually I don't really have any turf, but if I had turf, this would be it. And not only that, Summer's gonna be there."
Ryan grimaces, shaking his head. "I don't know about this Seth." He has a bad feeling about this.
"I do, ok? It's fine, it is not a big deal. I promise. Now, you got a date. Ok? So you have to go."
He tilts his head, staring at Seth for a moment. A date, with Marissa. Just like he wanted, or like he told himself he wanted. He clenches his hand at his side. He'd rather not go and stay with Seth. Play Magic, the Gathering or Grand Theft Auto until their eyes are too heavy to stay open.
But going out with Marissa seems like the more logical option and, after a moment, he sighs, giving in.
Seth grins. "Make me proud."
Ryan ducks his head, his lips curling into a smile. He turns around and walks to the kitchen, where he could finish up.
"Put the sock on the door," Ryan hears Seth say as he enters the kitchen.
The swinging door closing after him, Ryan sighs, leaning his head against the wall. He can't believe he's going to do this. Go out with Marissa while Donnie goes out with Seth.
He closes his eyes shut and his hands clench at his sides.
"Dude, you okay?"
Ryan looks over his shoulder at Donnie, face in a frown, looking concerned. Ryan wants to punch him.
He bites his lower lip. It's already sore. "Yeah, fine."
He pauses and considers telling Donnie not to go to the party, that Seth can't go, that they have plans. Now wouldn't that go well with Seth? He shakes his head inwardly. "Yeah," he repeats, "I'm fine." He turns around, pushing past Seth, and walks toward the grill to ask for the steak he ordered five minutes ago.
His finger itch for a smoke and in the back of his mind he can see Seth, smiling.
Ryan has fun with Marissa during dinner, or at least tells himself he's having fun as he jokes with her and tries to push her into the pool. In the end, she's the one who gets him, but not without being taken down herself. Swimming around in the pool, Ryan stands barely inches from her face. They stare at each other's eyes.
Ryan knows girls enough to recognize the perfect moment to go in for the kiss. This is it. Her eyes are fixed on his, her hair all wet, her lips inviting. He could very easily lean forward a little, his hand reaching for her cheek, and place a soft kiss on her lips. He could press himself against her and caress her hair, run his hand under her dress. Touch her.
Maybe, if the moment is just right, he could even sleep with her. They have the house to themselves. He could take advantage of that.Only, the moment is anything but right. He doesn't want to kiss her, or touch her. He doesn't even want to be here with her. He thinks of Seth, somewhere in a party, probably bored to death. That's Seth. He's the only guy who can be bored in a party.
And so, instead of taking advance of the setting, he ducks underwater.
Ryan tells himself it's not about him or Seth. Or even Marissa.
It's not about anything.
He chuckles, walking into the pool house, getting the towels on the far side of the room.
"Hurry up. I'm freezing," she says, her voice cracking.
He gets two towels and makes his way toward her, smiling. "You've got goose bumps," he says, tilting his head to the side.
Theresa never used to get goose bumps. She would say she had very warm blood or something stupid like that as they kissed in between beers.
Seth, on the other hand, gets cold in a second. If he touches water after eight at night, his fingers start trembling and he complains that they hurt. Seth'll start rambling about arthritis and being too young for that, about Parkinson and feeling old when he's only sixteen.
Ryan shakes his head idly.
"I know... towel..." She shudders.
He swallows thickly as he places the towel around Marissa's shoulder. It's not Marissa that's making him uncomfortable at the moment.
She keeps on shivering and Ryan worries. "You want a sweatshirt?"
Ryan can see the grin on her face when she says, "No, but can I borrow one of your tank tops so I can look as cool as you?"
He chuckles, leaning closer, tightening his grip on her forearms. "Oh yeah? You want to go back to the pool?"
She laughs, shaking her head, leaning forward. "No," she says in between chuckles.
He stares into her eyes and for the second time this evening, Ryan recognizes the moment. His mind is telling him that this is the right thing to do. To kiss her. To do what he knows how to. It's not that different from kissing Theresa, he's certain. It's not different at all from kissing any other girl.
They are nose to nose, their lips almost touching; his breathing slows down. Her blue eyes stare at him, her lips appear soft and inviting. Ryan can imagine what it'd feel like to kiss her, but he can't imagine what it would be like to kiss Seth.
He swallows once again. Marissa is a girl, and he likes girls, and he can kiss girls.
When he leans forward, the phone starts to ring. His eyes flash wide open, the moment killed.
"Do you have to--?"
She doesn't want him to, that's obvious. Only, Ryan can't not answer it. "It could be Sandy or Kirsten."
If he's honest, however, what makes him let go off her arms is the unlike chance that it's Seth and something is wrong. He has to answer so he can be sure that Seth is alright.
"Hmmm..." Ryan pulls away, "One second." Ryan hears her sigh as he turns around and walks to the phone. "Hello?"
"Hey." Ryan knows who it is by that hey. "It's Seth." The clarification is unnecessary. "Your friend Donnie is kind of a psycho."
Ryan sighs. If that's all Seth wanted to tell him, then he doesn't want to hear it.
He was about to kiss Marissa, to convince himself, once and for all, that she's the one he wants. Ryan doesn't want Seth getting in the middle of that. It's bad enough Ryan's thinking about him before kissing her.
"Ok, hmm, not really a good time right now."
"Yeah, dude, trust me."
Ryan half closes his eyes as his mind whispers, I do.
"I wouldn't be calling if it wasn't serious. Just take my dad's car and head over to Holly's."
The word serious makes Ryan blink in confusion; worry starts brewing within. He wants to ask Seth what's going on, what's so wrong and why the hell did he have to go to the beach party in the first place.
"I'll be right there," he says instead and Seth hangs up.
His heart is beating faster.
"Ok, so..." Ryan looks at Marissa, trying to sound apologetic. "That was Seth." He thinks that's tacit because Seth's the only person Ryan would ever leave a place for, in a hurry, his heart in his throat and his hands almost shaking. "I-- I gotta go pick him up." He still wonders about the reason behind this. He tightens one hand into a fist to keep it from shaking. "He's at Holly's, if you want to--"
She shakes her head as Ryan remembers the whole deal with Holly and their parents.
Ryan thinks it's better. He doesn't want her there if Seth's in trouble. He barely wants her here.
"I can't go there."
The chemistry Ryan almost felt is long gone and, as he looks at her, she's nothing more than the girl next-door. Nothing more than a girl in comparison to Seth. Nothing in contrast to Seth's safety. "Right." Still, he feels bad leaving her here. "Sorry."
"It's ok."
She leaves the pool house and Ryan counts to five before running out toward the kitchen. It takes him a second to find the car keys in the small bowl in the middle of the kitchen table. He thanks Sandy's neatness and runs as fast as he can to the garage. He thinks about leaving a note as he opens the driver's door and wonders what he'd say when he places the key in the lock.
I'm going out, taking Sandy's car. Seth in trouble. Have to save him.
Won't take long, Ryan.
That would only give Sandy, and Kirsten if she arrived first, a heart attack. He shakes his head, turning on the headlights. No note seems like a better idea as he clicks on the garage door remote. Besides, it's not as if he has time, he thinks, pulling out of the driveway and down the street.
Ryan pulls into the driveway of Holly's place, barely turning the engine off as he throws he car door open and runs out toward the entrance. He walks into the house, his eyes searching for Seth. He spots the brunette coming up to Luke, saying something too low for Ryan to hear.
Luke, as expected, pushes Seth away. Ryan's hands clench.
"Shut up, Cohen. How'd you get in here, anyway?"
Ryan wants to punch Luke.
Luke turns around and faces Donnie. Ryan notices Donnie has had one too many drinks from the way he is slightly swaying as he takes a step closer to Luke.
"Look, I don't know who you are," Luke says to Donnie, trying to sound intimidating but failing, "but you best be leaving."
Donnie takes another step closer. He raises his eyebrows, staring right at Luke.
If Luke was smart, if the boy had any brains, he would back off. A guy should know when to back off. Especially against someone from Corona. Only, Luke isn't as bright as he pretends to be.
"Or what, huh?" Donnie looks smug, taking another step closer. Ryan would back off, particularly now that Donnie has had too much to drink. Alcohol in the blood always make people volatile. "Whatcha gonna do, man? Huh?"
It takes Luke a second longer to process, but finally he seems to get it. Donnie is dangerous.
He starts backing off, his voice coming out shakily. "Hey..."
Donnie grins, knowing he's got Luke in a corner, so to speak. "Huh? You afraid I'm gonna mess up your hair?"
That's Ryan's cue to walk in because if he doesn't, Luke's gonna end up with a broken nose. And the only reason that he cares is because Seth might get hurt in the process.
"Hey, Donnie," Ryan says loudly, catching Donnie's attention.
"Hey, man," Donnie says, turning to shake his hand. "What's up, bro?"
Ryan is more than a little taken back by the action. Apparently, Donnie isn't drunk enough not to notice people walking in. That's good.
Only, Luke is more stupid than he looks, and he starts bitching once again. "Ah, I should have figured this chum was a friend of yours." He glares at Ryan and Ryan feels like punching his lights out in a second. The idiot. Ryan's trying to safe his fucking face. "Why don't you just take him back to the trailer park?"
In three short steps Donnie is up in Luke's face. "What'd you say to me?"
Suddenly, Seth's hand is on his chest. He pushes Ryan from them. Ryan looks up to meet frantic brown eyes. His breath catches in his throat.
"Dude, we should go."
Ryan frowns but he doesn't get to ask the reason. Seth leans over, his breath warm against Ryan's ear and it makes Ryan shudder against his own will.
"Dude," Seth says, his voice almost shaking, "he's got a gun. Donnie, he's--"
Ryan nods, not needing to hear anything more. He takes a step back, needing more space, some air, needing not to be that close to Seth. His pulse is quick in his chest and Ryan knows it's not because of the gun.
Ryan turns around and Luke pushes Donnie away. He takes a step closer as Donnie pulls out a gun from within his belt. A 9mm that looks very much like the one Arturo once bought from a friend of Trey's.
The girls around him scream. Ryan looks over his shoulder at Seth, seven feet behind him and still too close for Ryan's peace of mind.
"Who's the bitch, huh?" Donnie asks, hand tilted to the side, finger pressed against the trigger. "Who's the tough guy now?"
Donnie grins maliciously and Ryan wonders how he's going to get the gun away from him without any shot being fired.
Luke starts backing away, finally, ten minutes and one gun too late.
There are more screams around him and girls start to leave through the French doors leading up to the beach. Seth's still standing behind Ryan, his arm shot outward to keep Summer from coming closer. Bile rises up Ryan's throat.
"How much do you hate this kid, Ryan? The way he talks to you like you're trash?"
Donnie turns to look at Seth and, for a moment, Ryan fears for his safety. Ryan takes a step to the side, trying to cover Seth.
"What about you, Seth?" Donnie asks.
Seth nods, though Ryan can tell he's scared. "Yeah," Seth says, his voice shivering slightly. Ryan wishes Seth would be quiet and stay away from Donnie's shooting range. "He's definitely flawed."
Luke trembles, hands held up in submission. "I'm-- I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Donnie grins. "Look at the role reversal now. Who's the bitch?"
Ryan takes a step forward, his voice calm. He wants to reach out and take the gun away from Donnie. He wants Seth to be out of the house.
"You're scaring him, Donnie. Put it down, alright?"
"I'm just trying to have a good time," Donnie says, looking over his shoulder at Ryan. "You know what I'm saying. Trying to have fun at this party." Donnie turns around, looking at his friends standing in the back. "Yo, you boys havin fun?"
Ryan steels himself before tackling Donnie. They struggle for a moment, Ryan's hand gripping Donnie's hand tightly, trying to get Donnie's fingers away from the trigger. Donnie tries to overpower Ryan. Donnie's heavier than Ryan and, if Donnie ends up on top, Ryan'll be dead.
Instead, he smacks Donnie's hand against the floor and Donnie's fingers loosen.
The gun goes off.
For a fleeting second, though for Ryan it will always be the longest in his life, the worst flies through Ryan's mind and in his heart, he fears Seth might have gotten shot.
Ryan can see him. Ryan can see Seth, lying down on the floor, blood covering his blue shirt. Blood everywhere. Seth's blood. The bile is surging up his throat now. His hands are shaking as he stands up on wobbly legs.
Donnie asks something, Ryan can hear his voice, but the words make no sense, they don't reach his ears.
He turns around, eyes searching fearfully for Seth, panic increasing exponentially inside him.
When he sees Seth. Ryan can't help but let out a shaky breath. Seth's standing with his mouth wide open in surprise, but he's fine and for Ryan that's only thing that matters.
Summer screams. Ryan turns around, his eyes falling to the floor. Between the two green and white-stripped couches lays Luke, hand gripping his forearm tightly, blood oozing past his fingers.
From the corner of one eye, Ryan sees Donnie and his friends leaving the party. Summer rushes to Luke's side, her hands trembling as they hover over him.
Her voice is loud in the sudden silence. "Somebody call an ambulance!"
He swallows thickly, his face stricken. This is his fault. He turns to Luke's, pressing his hand against the wound, trying to contain the blood that starts staining his hands.
"You'll be okay," he tells Luke.
Over his shoulder, Ryan watches Seth take out his cell phone and call an ambulance. Ryan bites on his lower lip. This is probably the first party Seth ever went to that required an ambulance at the end of the night.
Ryan hates himself even more now.
For a moment, he sees red. He can see red and crimson on Seth's shirt, on his hands and neck. He can see Seth grimacing, mouth opened but no words coming out. He can see pain in his eyes, sorrow.
He can see himself wanting to do something but coming up short. He can see himself dying inside as the life is sucked out of Seth. Ryan's heart stops as Seth draws his last breath. Ryan can almost see Seth dying in his arms.
He tightens his hold on Luke's arm and the boy cries out. Ryan looks down at Luke, his eyes focusing on the now instead of the what could have happened. He feels guilty for being thankful Luke got shot instead of Seth.
Summer is telling Luke something Ryan can't hear. He stands up and walks to the kitchen. He remembers when Arturo got shot. Trey pressed a washcloth against his leg. Ryan finds one by the sink and turns around, walking back.
Seth's hand grips his wrist, stopping him. Ryan looks up at him. There's fear and worry in usual calm and friendly brown eyes. He's the cause of that look. Ryan wonders if it's possible to hate himself even more.
"The ambulance'll be here in ten minutes." Seth's gaze shifts to Luke for a second before landing on Ryan once again. "Do you... hmm... Dude, do you--?"
Ryan turns his hand in Seth's, their palms touching. Seth's hand is warm against his own. It takes everything in him not to lace their fingers together. Instead, he squeezes slightly. "He'll be fine."
Seth nods shakily. Unconvinced. "Yeah. Okay. Fine."
Ryan squeezes again. He has to calm Seth down. He has to make sure Seth's fine, that he gets that nothing more wrong will come out of this and that Ryan won't let Luke die, if only for Seth's peace of mind. "Don't worry," he says, his voice serious. "He'll be fine, Seth. Okay?"
His tone is forceful and Ryan knows that's what it takes for him to get through Seth's presently hazy mind. Taking a deep breath, Seth nods. He looks calmer. Ryan gives him a tight smile before going back to Luke's side.
"You're gonna be fine," he tells Luke again.
Ryan notices movement close by. He looks over his shoulder. Seth walks to Ryan's side and sits down. He doesn't say anything, only crosses his legs and stares at Ryan.
Ryan can almost hear He has to be fine through Seth's eyes. Ryan responds to the unspoken plea. He will.
Seth swallows, then nods.
They sit in silence. Two minutes later, the washcloth is completely soaked. Seth stands up and then comes back with another one in his hands. He sits down again, this time closer to Ryan, their knees touching. Seth says nothing. Neither does Ryan.
Somehow, the physical contact tranquilizes Ryan. Another ten minutes before the sounds of sirens are heard closing in.
He looks down at the floor before closing his eyes for a second.
The EMT are talking around him, saying things he barely gets. There's the word blood and then bullet shot, and those he's familiar with. Then there's ETA and BP and other ones he remembers hearing on ER late at night when Seth can't sleep and they watch TV.
He lets out a shaky sigh, opening his eyes and gazing at Luke. He's got a mask over his mouth and nose, to help him breathe. Ryan has learned that much from ER.
Luke lost a lot of blood, Ryan knows this. He had gone through two washcloths before the paramedics rolled Luke into the gurney. He chose to climb into the ambulance when it looked like no one else wanted to. Seth climbed in after him. Seth's sitting by his side, to his right. Ryan can feel Seth's arm against his own.
Luke's eyes are closed and Ryan wonders if he's having trouble breathing. Arturo did, back when he got shot. Arturo said he could barely breathe and it felt like his leg was on fire, like even the fucking wind that passed by made his leg hurt like hell.
Only, Luke's eyes are closed and maybe he's sleeping already. He's probably sleeping. Luke has to be sleeping. He leans over slightly, hands over his legs and he tightens his hold.
This is all his fault. All his fucking fault. If it hadn't been for Donnie, Seth wouldn't have to sit two feet from Luke watching the boy whimper in pain for a shot to the arm.
Seth wouldn't have been this fucking close to getting shot.
Ryan can taste the bile in his throat, that constricted feeling in his chest and the burning in his eyes. He turns around in the back of the ambulance, staring at the corner of the seat in front of him, taking deep long breaths.
Luke wouldn't have gotten shot and Seth wouldn't have been in danger had it not been for him.
Kristen's model home would not have burned down.
Apparently, the one who got the better end of the deal was him.
Ryan swallows thickly. He got a home, guardians who care about him. He got the promise of school in a couple of weeks, of a future. Ryan even got a boy sitting by his side that cares about him. A boy. A boy who smiles at him during breakfast, who passes the box of cereal the moment he lays eyes on Ryan. A boy who asks what Ryan thinks. A boy who loves him.
A boy whom Ryan almost got killed.
Seth, and the Cohens, is the best thing that ever happened to Ryan. He doesn't think that's mutual.
Maybe they are better off without Ryan. Maybe Chino really is the place for him.
He ducks his head. He doesn't want to imagine it, to remember the nights hearing his mother get fucked by some random guy. Having to help Trey to his feet after he got too drunk, after he got beaten up by being too stupid. Money being too tight.
He bites down his lower lip. He doesn't want to go back to Chino. He doesn't want to even think about Juvie.
Something warm covers his hand and he looks up to his right. Seth's left hand is over his. Seth squeezes slightly and Ryan's throat dries up. When Seth smiles, Ryan pushes all thought away.
Ryan sighs, running his hand through his hair. They sit in the waiting room, Luke having been ushered upstairs only seconds before. There's a couple sitting next to them. They are waiting for their son, Ryan thinks. He wasn't paying attention to the conversation.
Ryan closes his eyes, head hanging back.
"Dude?"
Seth's voice, its tone, forces his eyes open. There's a policeman standing before them.
The man starts asking questions about the party, about the person responsible for Luke getting shot. Seth starts going paler by the second. Ryan hates himself even more. The last time Seth spoke with a policeman was after the incident of the model home. His fault as well.
Everything is his fault.
"I was there," Ryan says, head tilted to the side. He stares at the gray carpet. "I was there. That guy--"
"I brought him to the party."
Ryan turns around to look at Seth, blue eyes wide. What? "Seth--"
"It wasn't your fault, Ryan. I invited him. I know it was stupid, like, I know it." Seth stands up, looking straight into the policeman's eyes. "I didn't mean to, like, get Luke shot. I swear. I didn't--"
Ryan stands up as well, hand going to Seth's elbow and cutting him mid-sentence, pulling him away. "Seth, listen to me. I think..." He watches Seth finally making eye contact with him and his breath catches in his throat. "Maybe we should wait for Sandy." He looks over his shoulder at the policeman. "I don't think he should say anything without his parents present."
The man gives them a small smile. "Kid, this isn't an interrogation. I'm not going to arrest either of you. I just want to know what happened."
Seth frowns. "Like, it's not my fault?"
A quiet laugh. "Did you shoot him?"
Seth shakes his head.
"Then, no. Not your fault. Now, I want you to tell me about the guy who fired the gun."
Ryan knows it could have been him. In the struggle, it could have very easily been him who pulled the trigger. And he could have shot Seth.
He could have killed Seth. His stomach feels like it's turning inside out and he feels like he's going to be sick.
"I can do that," Seth says, nodding at Ryan.It takes Ryan a moment to understand what he's saying. Leave.
Ryan stares back. No way. I'm not leaving you.
Brown eyes that fight back notch by notch. Leave. You could be taken to Juvie. Not me. Leave now.Let me protect you, for once.
After a moment, Ryan sighs. He turns around and sees a payphone by the elevators, barely twenty feet from where they're standing. He can call Marissa. And keep an eye on Seth. He nods.
"Okay." He stares at Seth a second longer before Seth gives him a small smile. He smiles back. "I'm gonna call Marissa."
He turns around and walks to the payphone, picking up the receiver. Ryan watches Seth talk to the policeman, arms folded over his chest, face pained. It hurts him.Marissa picks up after the second ring. "Hello."
Ryan sighs. "Hey, it's me."
"Hey, I was thinking about calling you in a minute. I... it sucked that I had to leave."
Ryan closes his eyes. "Yeah, I know. Hmm..." He doesn't know how to explain that he's at the hospital, that Luke got shot and that he almost shot Seth.
"I was wondering--"
"Sorry, I'm... I'm at the hospital."
"What? Something's wrong?"
Something has to be wrong for a person to be at the hospital, but he doesn't say that. That'd be harsh, and he isn't harsh with girls. He really isn't. Even though he wants to, just this time.
"No, no. Everything's-- everything's fine. But, hmm..." He looks at Seth from the corner of his eye. Seth's grip tightens around his forearms, or maybe Ryan's just imagining it. "I think you're gonna want to get down here."
Ryan stares straight, not seeing anything. He can hear Seth breathing rapidly by his side. Seth's second conversation with the cops. The first time he sees someone get shot. Ryan hopes there isn't a second time.
He swears to himself there won't be a second time.
After a minute of silence, Seth says, "The cops said Donny won't get far before they catch him."
Donny. If Ryan catches him first... if he sees him again...
Seth almost got shot. Bile rises up. Seth almost died.
He'll kill Donnie. Ryan swears he will. He'll kill Donnie.
"Well," Ryan says, and it takes his every effort to keep his voice steady, "if you want to make some extra money, I'm sure there's a job available at the restaurant."
"No, no that's ok, I think it'd be good to take some me time. You know, work on the novel. Tonight'd make a good chapter."
Ryan closes his eyes for a heartbeat.
"Were you scared?"
Ryan swallows. He doesn't know how to answer that.
I was petrified. I was scared shitless. I thought it was you. For a moment, I thought it was you. I thought he had shot you. I thought you had died. It felt like you had died. I died inside. I thought you had died and I died with you.
He presses his lips together, looking to the side, to the vacant seat of the couple who left five minutes ago.
I thought you had died. Don't you ever do that. Don't you ever do that to me again. I don't want you to die.
Don't leave me.
"No." His voice is balanced and confident, like he's not lying to his best friend. Like he's not lying to cover his ass, to pretend he's tough and cool.
Seth nods slowly. Ryan knows Seth's looking at him. He can feel Seth's eyes on him. Ryan watches him from the corner of his eyes. Seth looks down at his hands. Seth looks pained again. Ryan wishes he could take that away.
Marissa walks in, blue jean jacket covering a red top, white purse on her right arm. She doesn't seem as important now. She isn't as important as Seth's safety.
Still, Ryan stands up and walks toward her. "Hey."
Marissa isn't smiling. "Hey."
"He's... he's ok. He's with his parents. Third floor. It's just his arm." Ryan says it all quickly, in one breath, hoping she'd leave right away.
He wants to go back to Seth's side. He wants to leave this place and forget about this. He wants to know, to really know, that Seth's safe.
"So this guy, was he a friend of yours?"
"Ah..."
I met him at the Crab Shack. He's from Corona. That place is not like Chino. Not at all. Chino's worse. And Seth could have gotten shot.
"No, not really."
"Hmm..." The awkwardness can be cut through with a knife.
For her, Ryan doesn't seem more like a boy standing before her and her boyfriend. Ryan can see that.
"Thanks, for calling me."
"Yeah."
Nothing left to say. Nothing that ties them together.
"I should go."
Ryan wants to nod, to tell her to, but he can't help his reflexes. "I can ah, wait."
"No, it's ok. I might be a while."
Ryan nods. He gets it. She has to go upstairs and make it up to her wounded ex-boyfriend. Ryan gets it. He has to leave and wrap Seth in bubble wrap.
He watches her get into the elevator before turning around and walking back to Seth.
"Never thought the day would end here," he says as he sits down by Seth's side. By Seth's side.
"I'm sorry man...you were right." Seth's voice makes Ryan hurt. "I shouldn't have brought Donny to that party."
Ryan shakes his head. Not your fault.
"It was my fault... If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have met him." His voice doesn't sound like it's coming from himself. He sounds sorrow and pained, he sounds like he's breaking. He sounds like he feels. "Luke wouldn't be in the hospital."
You could have gotten shot. You could have died. And it would have been my fault.
"I feel like ever since I got here, everyone's life just gotten worse."
"Not everyone's."
Ryan looks over at Seth. He sighs. He can almost read Seth's eyes. All you've done is make my life better. Ryan wants to shake his head. No, you could have died. I could have killed you.
"I was thinking about it on the ambulance. I'm so gone. Back to Chino-- or worse."
Juvie. All he could think back in the ambulance was Juvie. And Seth getting shot. Seth getting shot and Juvie.
"Well, you're not going anywhere, so don't think about it."
Ryan's hands shake slightly. He's still scared. He can still feel it running through his veins. Panic. He doesn't like it.
"I do think from now on though," Seth continues, his voice sounding more confident, more tranquil, "we gotta stick together. Cause... United we're unstoppable, but divided, it's like--"
Ryan nods. He knows.
"People get shot."
"That's what I'm saying." Seth nods. "That's what I'm saying."
Ryan closes his eyes and parts them open in one breath. His hand continues to shake. He closes it onto a fist. He hears the shot going off once again, in his mind. It's loud against everything. It's all he can hear. And he flinches, closing his eyes at the sound.
Donnie. The bastard. Ryan can see his face in a petulant grin, gun in hand, finger on the trigger.
Ryan can hear Donnie laughing. Then the shot. Another shot. And Seth. Seth, falling to the floor, hands on his stomach as blood oozes through his finger. Blood everywhere as Seth's keeps falling and Ryan can do nothing but watch him die.
He shakes his head, the image swirling out of focus. He lets out a shaky sigh as he takes a deep breath.
Ryan looks over his shoulder at Seth, who's actually sitting by his side. Seth's sitting by his side. Seth, by Ryan's side. Seth. Seth's breathing and looking down at the floor with a pained expression, but he's breathing, and that's all that matters.
Only, he can't stop thinking about Donnie. Donnie, who brought a gun to a Newport party. Donnie, who brought a gun to a party Seth was at.
That's probably what makes Ryan's neck start burning in anger, nails digging into his palm. The bastard ran off like the chicken shit he is.
If I see him again, Ryan thinks, swallowing hard. If I see him again I'll kill him.
Ryan wonders if he'd ever kill someone. If his anger would rise so high someday that he'd kill someone. He tilts his head, looking sideways at Seth, who's staring down at his hands. His throat tightens and his lips press together, hurt by the thought of losing Seth. He doesn't doubt he would.
Seth turns around to look at him, guilty expression visible in brown eyes.
He sighs, and his face softens slightly after a second. Seth's guiltiness touches Ryan's. He wants to reach out and reassure Seth. He wants to pat his back, his arm.
Ryan wants to kiss him. He lowers his gaze to the floor. Not the brotherly feeling he should be having. Not at all.
He stands up, clearing his throat. No point in staying here any longer and think about kissing Seth.
"Come on," He says, his voice steadier than he feels like. "Let's go."
Seth frowns. "Hmm... Dude, you sure? Like, don't you want to stay?" He shrugs. "Like, really, we can stay if you want to wait for Marissa."
He shakes his head. Waiting for Marissa is the last thing on his mind. Right now he just wants to go home, get into bed and convince himself nothing has changed inside him. That he isn't feeling... this, for Seth. For a moment Ryan wonders if he ever had simpler feelings for Seth.
"No," he says, pushing away that thought. "Let's go. It's late."
Seth seems to consider it for a moment before nodding. "Hmm, sure. K."
They walk down the hallway and toward the Emergency door.
Sandy's sedan is back at Holly's house because they rode in the ambulance. Ryan sighs softly as he walks down the steps, arms folding over his chest. He shivers and Ryan tells himself it's the wind picking up and the coldness is not within him.
He swallows, looking at either side of the street, trying to come up with something to do, to say, because his brain seems to have shut down all of a sudden. They can either take a cab home, or walk, even though it's about fifteen miles from here to the house, but still.
They can call Sandy and ask him to pick them up. They can-- Ryan swallows again.
His hands shake and he has to close his eyes and take deep breaths to keep his heart from jumping out of his chest. He feels his throat tightening and his hands are closed down into fists. His pulse quickens.
He tells himself he's being an idiot, over reacting over something that's long gone, that's already happened. No, over something that hasn't happened even though he can still see it.
Blood. Everywhere. Blood on Seth. Blood on him. He can see blood.
Ryan can see Seth getting shot again, over and over, falling onto the floor clutching his stomach. His face a grimace of silent pain. He keeps taking deep breaths. His chest is closing down on him and he can barely breathe. The oxygen is just not getting in.
"Dude?"
Seth's voice is heard far, far away. He forces himself to take another breath. How can Seth talk when he's bleeding? How can Seth talk?
"Dude? Are you--?"
Seth's voice is tuned out by the shot. Another shot. Seth falling.
Falling down. Blood on Seth's shirt. Blood on Ryan. Seth's blood.
His heart pounds, pounds, on his chest, on his head. Ryan's head pulsates with the beating of his heart.
Finally, after seconds that feel more like hours, Ryan opens his eyes. Seth's looking down at him, a concerned frown on his face."Ryan? Dude, I think I better call a doctor. You don't look all right. You're like, pale. Pasty. All white. Dude, that's so not your color."
Ryan feels like chuckling, or nodding, or something. Only, his chest keeps beating fast and his left hand is closed down on a fist while his right hand is clutching the hood of a blue Toyota Yaris parked by Ryan's side.
He frowns, eyes staring at the car. His hand is pressed flat against the edge of the hood, where it meets the door. Ryan wonders if this is the only thing keeping him from falling down. Maybe it is.
Ryan's eyes shift to Seth, who's still looking down at him, all worried. He flinches when Seth's hand reaches out to his shoulder.Seth retrieves his hand like he's been slapped. Ryan feels like crap. He doesn't want Seth touching him, not now. Not when his sanity is so very fragile. Not when he's almost falling into Seth.
He bites down his lower lip. He takes another breath before standing up straight, lifting his hand from the car and placing it in his pocket, trying to hold himself together. He thinks about cabs and walking once again, trying to take his mind off the near panic attack he almost had a second ago.
"Do you..." Ryan sighs. "Do you want to take a cab, or walk?"
He'd rather walk because he needs the time to process everything that has happened. He needs the air, and to expend the energy. Seth's alive. He needs to finish convincing himself. Seth frowns before opening his eyes wide.
"Dude, like... Dude!"
Ryan feels like laughing all of a sudden. Maybe he is losing his mind.
"Dude, you just... like, you closed your eyes and then just reached for the car! Ryan, are you-" Seth leans closer and Ryan takes a step back, trying to get away from Seth. Ryan gulps as his back hits the hood of the car. "Are you okay? Like, are you sure?"
Ryan nods, swallowing down the lump that has formed on his throat and trying to come up with enough strength to place his hands on Seth's chest and push him away.
He hears the shot going off again. Only, this time, is not in his head. He jumps, turning around to his right to stare at a dark green car starting its engine. He lets out a shaky breath as he realizes it's the just the exhaust.
"Ryan?" Seth tilts his head again. "Dude, are you--?"
Ryan nods rapidly, telling himself that he's fine. He's not jumpy. And he didn't not just got scared of a exhaust going off.
"Yes," Ryan says, his voice quivering. He looks up, meeting brown eyes that are truly concerned about him. Brown eyes Ryan saw rolling back in their eye sockets a second ago as a shot that was not fired in that direction hit him.
Ryan's breath quickens, his hands start shaking once again. He grips the edge of the hood tightly. Seth's face is too close to his. He presses down on his own lips.
"You almost got shot," he whispers, tiredly, all the air being sucked out of him.
Seth's frown deepens. "What?"
Ryan closes his eyes. "You almost got shot." He opens them, staring at Seth. "It could have been you, don't you know? It could have been you. Donnie could have shot you." He pauses. "I could have shot you."
Seth doesn't seem to understand what Ryan's talking about and he's losing what little sanity he has left.
With a desperate sigh, Ryan's hands reach out and touch Seth's chest. Seth gasps. Ryan doesn't listen. Ryan's face contorts into a grimace. He can almost feel the bullet hole under his fingers.
Only, there isn't one.He touches the soft flesh, biting down on his lower lip, his hand shaking as he proves to himself, once and for all, that Seth's is fine. That's Seth's alive and breathing. He lets out a long sigh, palms flat on Seth's chest, feeling Seth's heartbeat through his thorax.
Ryan closes his eyes, hands shaking as they grab Seth's blue shirt and nods to himself.
"Ryan--?"
When Ryan opens his eyes, brown eyes staring at him, Ryan remembers the way Seth looked only second ago as they sat in the Emergency room, side by side.
He remembers having lied to Seth.
"I lied," he says, his voice hoarse from exhaustion but he has to get this out, he has to say this before it's too late, before Seth's gone. "I lied. I was scared. I was petrified. I thought..." He grimaces, tilting his head. The backs of his eyes start burning. "I thought it had been you. For a moment, I knew it was you. I thought he had shot you. I heard the shot and then I saw you, falling. I saw you getting shot."
Seth starts shaking his head, trying to reassure Ryan that's not the truth, that's not what happened and Ryan knows this. He knows it wasn't Seth, but Luke. Ryan knows this, but he doesn't feel it inside him.
"I thought it was you," Ryan repeats before his hands move to cup Seth's face and he clutches at the flesh.
He leans forward and kisses him. He sighs into the kiss, his finger tightening their hold. His eyes sting and burn. His throat is dry. His hands shake. Everything inside him shakes.
It feels like falling. It feels like hitting the cement floor. It feels like going down, like coming home. Finally. At last.
He bites Seth's lower lip, eyes close shut. Ryan's trembling and it's not the wind. Seth kisses Ryan back, his hands going to Ryan's waist to press Ryan closer to his chest. Ryan kisses Seth again.
They stand there, against the side of the blue Toyota, kissing, for what seems like an eternity. Each second that passes by erases a pixel of the image of Seth falling, of Seth covered in blood.
After a minute, Ryan's hands relax and his right thumb starts caressing Seth's cheek. His left hand moves down to Seth's waist. Seth's hand makes small circles in his back.
The kiss slows down its pace, taking its time. It's sweet and caring, and Seth's lips taste like sugar and apples. Seth smiles into the kiss. Ryan does as well.
When they pull apart, Seth leans over, touching his forehead against Ryan's. Ryan meets soft brown eyes and grins. His right hand falls down to Seth's waist. Seth grins back. There's something very right about this. He can barely remember the fear of losing Seth, though it does grip his heart, stinging like acid.
Ryan almost lost him, this, once, he won't do it again.
He sighs, and staring into Seth's eyes, he says, "I love you", and means it.
It's the first time he says it, the first time he felt it, and he doesn't question it. He realizes it's easy to say it when you just know it. Seth swallows and Ryan doesn't expect Seth to say it back. It's too fast, to quickly. It's not exactly what Seth was expecting to finish his day with.
However, after a second, after a heartbeat, Seth nods and murmurs, "I love you too."
Ryan nods once again. "I know."
They pull away, Seth taking a step back as Ryan straightens up, hand going to his hair. They start walking down the street, silently. When they reach the corner and they wait for a cab to pass by, Seth's hand reaches out to Ryan, a finger going down from his ear to his jaw.
Ryan grins. This time, when he feels compel to reach out and touch Seth, he does it. He never thought something so simple as placing his hand on Seth's forearm would feel so intimate. So right. It does, and that doesn't surprise him at all.
Ryan doesn't say anything. He can feel Seth's eyes on him. He shrugs as he takes the last curve and drives past the gates into the community.
Word count: 15,054 words.
Finished: September 10th, 2004. 10.05am.