Of Paper Hearts
by M. F. Luder
Part one
11. red
Alex pulls into the parking lot, killing the engine. She jumps out of the car, running a hand through her shoulder-length hair as she leans against the passenger door of the jeep and waits.
It doesn't take long. Two minutes later students make their way down the stairs of the front halls of Harbor High school.
She tilts her head, eyes scanning for the person she's looking for. After another minute, she sees him and her grin widens.
Ryan and Seth make their way out of the school and down the stairs. Ryan seems to be saying something to Seth as he leans in closer to the other man. She can't help but frown. She might be wrong, but she thinks she sees Ryan nudging Seth with his elbow and Seth ducking his head.
Seth turns to look at the parking lot as Ryan says something else and he sees her. Seth grins, waving at her. The grin comes back to her lips and she waves back. Ryan seems to lose his smile as they both make their way toward her.
"Hey," Alex says, her tone low and hitched.
"Hey," Seth answers back, standing before her.
He doesn't say anything else, doesn't need to, as he leans forward and kisses her. She smiles into the kiss, her hands going around his neck. She opens one eye, noticing Ryan shifting as he stands four feet from them, before closing her eyes once again.
When they pull apart, Alex turns to look at Ryan. He only lifts his head in acknowledgement. Alex does the same.
"Dude, you totally took me by surprise." Seth almost bounces on his heels. "What are you--?"
She shrugs nonchalantly. "I thought I could give you a ride, you know?"
Seth nods, giving her another kiss before making his way around the car. "I'll see ya at home," he says to Ryan as he jumps into the car.
Ryan nods, hands griping the strap of his bag. "Sure. See ya."
Starting the car, Alex looks at Ryan for a moment. Neither of them knows what to the say to the other.
"Well, bye." She gives him a tight smile.
He nods at her. "Bye."
She pulls out of the parking lot, her gaze shifting to the rearview mirror. Ryan watches the car drive by for another moment before turning around, probably toward the Range Rover.
"So," she says, turning around to glance at Seth for a moment before looking back at the street, "how was school?"
Seth chuckles. "Do you really want to know?"
She chuckles as well. "Nah, not really. Just thought I'd do small talk."
"Of course."
"Of course."
Seth's hand moves to her knee, slowly making its way upward to her thigh. She bites down on her lower lip, looking at him with a tilted head. "What do you think you're doing?"
He shrugs naturally. "I really like you."
She nods appreciatively, the grin not quite leaving her lips. "Good, coz we've been dating for two months."
"I know that."
"You better."
They fall into comfortable silence, broken by Seth's voice five minutes into the drive. "Oh, crap, I forgot."
She looks at him through the corner of her eyes. "What?"
"I gotta call Ryan."
She frowns. "What? Why--?"
"I was supposed to remind him he had to call Kevin." Seth shrugs, getting out his cell phone. "We both knew he'd forget, so he told me. I just remembered about it."
"Seth, we're going to my place to have sex and you're thinking about Ryan." She lifts an eyebrow in his direction. "There's something very wrong with this."
Seth chuckles, shaking his head. "Sorry, but if he forgets, then he's screwed. He needs the notes for his biology paper due Friday."
Alex rolls her eyes, gazed fixed on the road. "Yeah, whatever."
"Dude, you gotta call Kevin." Alex hears Seth say, then a chuckle from his lips. "Nah, dude, I know you. You totally forgot. Yeah, you did." Another chuckle.
Alex grips the wheel tighter, lips pressed tightly into a thin line. Seth doesn't say anything for a moment and Alex dares to look at him out of the corner of her eye.
He's smiling, the corners of his lips curling upward in a ghost of a smile, tender on his lips. Alex can't help but think that a smile shouldn't be there by talking only with Ryan.
Ryan reads the last line of the theorem again, trying to understand it. He sighs, wondering if maybe this wasn't written in English and some of the meaning got lost in the translation. That has to be the answer because he refuses to believe he's too thick headed to get it.
Lifting his eyes from the book, he gazes at Lindsay. Her head is bent down, while her hand writes down equation after equation in her notebook.
Apparently, she's not having any problems with the chapter like Ryan is. Looking down at his notebook once again, Ryan tries another approach to the exercise with no success.
"Well, that's it."
He looks up once again. Lindsay grins in his direction, closing her book as she does so.
"I'm done," she says, gathering the books together in the corner of the table. "Do you need any help--?"
Ryan shakes his head, writing down a bogus equation as a final line of the exercise and closes his notebook. "No, no. I just finished it as well."
She nods and he reaches for his backpack. He'll read the theorem tonight, once he gets home. He'll read it until he gets what he's supposed to do, to understand, and then he'll finish the seven exercises he hasn't even looked at yet.
After getting everything together, they sit down on the couch as Lindsay turns on the TV.
Ryan slides his arm along the back of the couch, Lindsay snuggling into Ryan's side. He looks down at her as she places her head on his shoulder. Gazing at him, she tilts her head and kisses him.
Ryan doesn't really pay attention to the TV. Lindsay likes watching TV after homework. Ryan's gotten used to playing Nintendo as a reward.
"Hey," she says after a moment, shifting in her seat and placing her arm around Ryan's midsection, "my mom has been talking about doing something together for a while now. She thought we could go sailing this weekend."
She looks up at Ryan, blue eyes soft and filled with love. "Do you like sailing?"
Ryan shrugs nonchalantly, gazing at Lindsay for a moment before placing a kiss on the top of her head. "Not really. It's not my thing. That's more like Seth's thing. He loves it. I usually just tag along."
She had been expecting it, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want him there, with her. Her right hand makes small circular movements over his chest. "I was hoping you'd come."
"Sorry," he says, grimacing slightly. "I have homework and I'm really bad at it. You go."
"Oh. Okay." Lindsay places another kiss on his collarbone. She tells herself not to see double meaning in the denial, not to think anything about it. She tells herself not to think that if he really wanted to go, he would make time and do it. "I mean, I can talk my mom into doing something else--"
"No, no, don't do that. Go. Have fun."
After a moment, she nods, placing her head on his shoulder. There's not much she can say if he doesn't want to go with her. As she focuses on the TV, she doesn't remember all the times she's heard Ryan telling her about Seth and him going sailing.
She won't push him to do something he doesn't want to, just for her. She's not that kind of girlfriend, she tells so herself. Reaching for the remote, Lindsay starts zapping through the channels.
She pauses on the movie channels, always looking for something to catch her eye. She pauses in HBO, a scene she doesn't recognize, three men talking.
"Erik? Erik Lensherr? You have access to him?"
"Magneto, yes. We developed the technology that built his plastic prison."
"Oh, Seth will love this."
Lindsay looks up at Ryan as he shifts, extracting his arm from around her shoulders to reach into his pocket for his cell phone.
She frowns. "You recognize this movie? From two lines?" Her gaze shifts to the screen once again, paying attention the dialogue, "We don't know but it comes up out of the basketball court. If we were--"
She's surprised when Ryan nods. "Yeah, X2."
When Lindsay raises one eyebrow, Ryan chuckles. "We watched the movie five times," Ryan gives as an explanation. "Actually, Seth dragged me five times, more likely."
Well, yeah, that she can understand.
"X2 on HBO," Ryan says into the phone, a grin on his lips. "Right now."
Lindsay notices how Ryan doesn't even greet Seth on the phone. Like Seth knows it's Ryan. Like Seth knows Ryan has something important to tell him. She swallows through the sudden tightness in her throat and she tells herself jealousy is unbecoming of her.
Ryan chuckles, shaking his head and he leans back against the back of the couch, his face relaxed.
"Well, you've been bugging me about getting the DVD. No, we're not. Seth, it's bad enough we have the trilogy. Yeah, well, I know most of Legolas' lines. That's not right."
Lindsay tilts her head, watching as Ryan smiles at Seth's response before laughing, his eyes lighting up.
"Yeah, well, watch it." Ryan shrugs. "Yeah, we'll probably watch it as well. Yeah, yeah, that scene with Wolverine throwing the army men over his shoulders. I know." Ryan snorts. "Whatever."
Ryan's gaze flickers to the TV as Wolverine hugs Rogue. Lindsay can't help but stare at Ryan, at the way his face responds to Seth's voice. The corners of Ryan's lips curl upward, completely calm and relaxed. For a moment, she wonders if he looks like this with her.
Suddenly, Ryan grimaces. "Seth, argh, that's disgusting. He's twice her age! He doesn't want her. No, Seth, he doesn't want Rogue. You're seeing things." Ryan rolls his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. You're ruining the movie for me now, so stop it."
Apparently, Seth stopped it because Ryan's face relaxes into a soft smile.
"So, what do you want for dinner? No, no, Thai. Not tonight."
Lindsay rolls her eyes, folding her hands on her chest as she turns around and pretends to watch the movie.
She recognizes Hugh Jackman and she smiles at his handsome face as he throws a set of keys to another young and very good-looking man. She doesn't know enough of the story to know his name.
"Now, that's sexual tension."
Lindsay stares at Ryan for a moment, grinning into the phone. He shakes his head at Seth's response.
"Yeah, whatever. Dinner, Seth. Dinner. Okay, sure, I can stop by. Some lasagna, ravioli. Two orders of garlic bread, of course. Sure. I'll be there in about an hour. Ice cream sounds great. Don't worry, I'll be there for the adamantium fight. Okay, yeah, sure."
Ryan closes the cell phone off and she notices he doesn't say goodbyes either. With Seth, at least, he doesn't.
She gives him a tight smile as he settles in again, leaning against the couch. "You leaving?" She asks, her voice sounding small to her own ears.
"Yeah, in a while."
"I thought you could stay for dinner." Well, she hadn't actually thought about it, but the possibility had been there.
Ryan turns around, looking at her with surprise. "You didn't say."
"I didn't think you'd leave," she tells him, her tone clipped.
Ryan grimaces, looking very guilty. Good, she thinks. Good. "Sorry, it's just..." He shrugs. "Seth's been alone all afternoon. I'm pretty sure he's bouncing off the walls right about now. But I can stay if you want me to."
His voice lowers as he finishes the sentence and she wants to roll her eyes at him. Right, like suddenly she's not feeling guilty enough as it is for keeping Ryan away from his friend. It should be the other way around, but she knows Seth would never feel guilty about having Ryan to himself. Somehow that's a given.
Lindsay isn't sure she's comfortable with that thought.
"No, don't worry about it." She shrugs, her shoulders tense and her lips pressed into a thin line.
He doesn't seem to notice, or care, as he leans forward and kisses her. He doesn't say anything when she doesn't kiss him back.
Ryan only leans back, arm sliding along the back of the couch and continues watching the movie. Lindsay bites the inside of her cheek, resting against his chest as she pretends to enjoy the movie as Seth watches it at home.
Ryan takes Lindsay's hand as they walk into the lounge, Seth on the other side of Ryan. They make their way toward the coffee shop and Ryan tells her about her Calculus class. She listens to him as Seth buys a Mocha.
She frowns, her eyes glancing at Seth's back as he pays for the coffee. That's weird. She could have sworn it was Ryan who drank the Mocha while Seth liked cappuccino. Shrugging idly, she smiles when Ryan leans forward and gives her a kiss.
"Done," Seth says and the three of them make their way to one of the couches.
Ryan and Lindsay take one and she leans back against Ryan's chest, his arm going around to her neck. She smiles, her head resting on his shoulder.
She looks at Seth as he places the coffee on the center table. In the middle, she notices and frowns. She doesn't think much of it as they start talking about their plans for the weekend, and the test they have next week.
After a moment, Ryan pulls away from her to lean forward and pick up the cup of coffee. She frowns, head tilted to the side as she sees Seth's smiling as Ryan takes a long drink of the same.
She blinks, confused and a moment later the knowledge seems to make sense. Seth doesn't really like Mocha, but Cappuccino. Ryan likes the Mocha, and Seth knew that as well as Lindsay did. She purses her lips, her throat tight. She wonders if this has happened before and she hasn't noticed.
Placing the cup back onto the table, Lindsay expects Ryan to lean back against the couch and places his arm around her shoulders. Only, he doesn't. He pulls a chocolate out of his satchel, opening it and handing it to Seth.
Seth smiles, taking it from Ryan's hand not saying anything. He bites down on it and gives it back, all in the span of only seconds.
Lindsay doesn't know what to say and wonders if saying anything is even safe. After a moment, Ryan turns around and offers it to her. "You want?"
Her gaze shifts to the name, Sneakers. She thought Ryan didn't like peanuts. "No, thanks."
He smiles at her and leans forward to give her a kiss. She removes the small worry from her mind as he leans back onto the couch and she rests her head on his shoulder once again.
She closes her eyes and relaxes into his touch. She only opens them a moment later when she feels a shift on the couch. Looking up at Ryan, she notices that he has the cup of coffee in his hands. She glances at Seth, still sitting on the other side of the table, chocolate in his hands.
She bites the inside of her cheek, eyes closed, and presses her forehead harder against his collarbone.
Lindsay tells herself she doesn't mind that, at school, it's never just her and Ryan but her, Ryan and Seth. They are best friends, she tells herself. Almost brothers. It's only understandable that they spend so much time together. She understands.
They sit together during lunch, all three of them. It would be easier, or more comfortable at least, if Alex was at this school. Then it would be four instead of three, and she wouldn't worry about Seth being a third wheel. As she cocks her head to the side, eyes glancing at Seth as they make their way toward a table outside the cafeteria, she realizes Seth looks as comfortable as one can be, not at all bothered by the feeling of third wheel. Then maybe it's just her.
She only has a salad, and she pours the dressing onto it as Ryan and Seth unwrap their sandwiches. She opens her bottle of water, taking a long swallow of it.
She doesn't notice at first. She's not sure how, but she doesn't, and until now, it didn't even seem like much of a big deal. But as she tilts her head to the side and looks at them, at the way they move around each other, at how they behave, she worries and thinks about it, and eyes everything carefully.
Seth reaches forward, over his own plate and toward Ryan's sandwich and with two fingers, he slides out the lettuce, placing it neatly on top of his own lettuce. He barely even notices he's doing it, probably, as he reaches for the coke by his side. Ryan's coke. Ryan, on the other hand, since Seth's sandwich is already opened, picks up the tomato and places it where his lettuce used to be and closes the bread on top of it.
They don't say anything, don't explain why they are acting like a married couple, they only pick up their sandwiches and start eating, Seth hands Ryan the coke without Ryan even asking for it, almost as if Seth knows Ryan wants it.
Lindsay bites the inside of her cheek because this doesn't look like natural behavior between brothers.
They sit on the couch with the TV on, though they aren't paying much attention to it. Alex shifts, turning around on top of Seth, her chest against his for better access to Seth's collar. Seth groans, loudly, and Alex grins. It doesn't take much for Seth to moan, but she still knows the right spots.
Her hand moves down his chest and to his legs, sliding over the bulge and Seth groans again.
"Don't tease."
The words come out in a whisper and Alex looks up at Seth, eyes glazed over with pleasure. She grins. "I'm not."
They start kissing once again, his tongue over her lower lips and her back curves when Seth touches her between the shoulder blades and down her back.
They're panting before clothes have been shed. She pulls back, sitting down on her heels as she pulls off her top, revealing her breasts to him. He nods in appreciation, one hand reaching to tweak one nipple. She's moaning in the back of her throat, hand reaching to pull down the zipper of his pants when there's a loud ring.
Alex sighs in frustration, head tilted to the side. Seth reaches inside his pants, retrieving the cell phone. She assumes he'll turn it off in a second and they can get back to what they were about to do, when Seth looks up at her and grimaces.
She sighs once again, lifting her leg above him and sitting down on the couch. She shakes her head, picking up the remote. She won't say anything, she won't complain because it might be his parents, it is almost dinnertime, and she can't really expect Seth not to answer if it's his
pa--
"Ryan, what's up?"
She bites her lower lip not to groan and really, what's up with those two? Can't Seth not fucking answer him for once, if only because they were about to have sex? Fuck.
She doesn't listen, not really, as she starts zapping through the channels waiting for Seth to get off the phone. She shouldn't be bothered by it, probably, but she can't help it. They call each other every other hour, they call only to ask what will the other pick up for dinner. They are worse than girls sometimes.
"Oh. Oh. Sure. Don't worry. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."
Alex turns around to look at him, arms folded under her bare breasts as he closes the phone and places it inside his pocket. "What did you just say?"
Seth shrugs, zipping his pants and sitting down as well. "I'm sorry," he says, though she doesn't believe him. "Lindsay and Ryan got into a fight, again. And they broke up. Again." Seth rolls his eyes. "Half the time Ryan doesn't know if they're together or not. The thing is, she drove them to her house and Ryan's sitting on the curb, two blocks away from her place."
He shrugs again, standing up and reaching for his jacket, which fell from the couch while they were making out. His erection is long gone, she realizes, and she snorts, reaching for her black top. Whatever.
"I'm sorry."
Yeah, right.
"But I have to go."
When don't you?
Seth smiles at her, leaning forward and giving her a long kiss on the lips. She barely even responds, but he doesn't seem to notice as he pulls away and smiles. "I'll call you tonight."
Don't bother. "Sure." She shrugs. "Go." He's fucking waiting for you.
"Okay." He gives her another kiss and when he pulls away, she leans back against the couch and watches him close the door after himself.
"Fuck." She stands up, making her way toward the small fridge in the kitchen and retrieving a beer. "Fuck you," she whispers into the night, to no one in particular.
Lindsay sighs, looking down at her hands as she takes a deep breath. Her hands are shaking, she notices, shaking badly as she remembers the scene once again in her mind. Caleb, clutching his chest, hand reaching for the edge of the table. Caleb, falling down, taking the tablecloth with him.
A hand covers hers and when she turns around, it's Kirsten looking at her with understanding in her eyes, not Ryan. Kirsten squeezes her hand, nodding as she does so, and Lindsay can only give her a small smile.
I'm sorry, she wants to say. This is probably my fault in some way. I'm sorry.
Lindsay nods once again and Kirsten gives her hand one final squeeze before turning around to look down the hallway.
They've been here too long, no one telling them anything, and she's reaching the end of her rope as she closes her eyes and tilts her head back.
"Do you think he'll die?"
The words are only a whisper, but when she turns around to look for the source, she sees Ryan and Seth sitting together, talking quietly, whispering, one chair away from her in their own little world.
Lindsay blinks, not wanting to hear their conversation but not being able to do anything but.
Ryan shakes his head. "He's too stubborn to die."
That makes Seth smile, and Lindsay wonders if Alex has the same effect on Seth. Seth lowers his head. "I was scared."
"I know."
Ryan sighs, taking Seth's hand in his and Lindsay notices the tenderness in the simple motion. She bites down on her lower lip, head tilted to the side, leaning forward on her knees to have a better look. They would only need to turn around to see without doubt that Lindsay is spying on them. But they won't because they are so drawn to one another that the roof could collapse and they would only notice each other. It's not bitter jealousy she can feel on her lips.
Ryan's thumb caresses the back of Seth's palm, almost lovingly, and Lindsay turns away, not being able to see more. Not as she remembers that after Caleb had fallen, as Kirsten had reached for the phone to call 911 and Lindsay had kneeled by Caleb's ailing figure, Ryan had taken a step back and called Seth. She remembers Ryan saying he was gonna pick up Seth and drive him to the hospital. He was probably with Alex, Lindsay thinks, and she wonders why Alex didn't come with Seth. Why Alex didn't drive Seth there.
Maybe because Ryan offered first. Maybe because Seth would much rather come here with Ryan that he would with Alex. Maybe because Alex understands that, at times like this, the women don't fit in between the two men.
It was Kirsten who drove Lindsay here and they sat down to wait. About half an hour afterward, maybe more, Ryan and Seth walked in, side by side, and took a seat where they are now, to the side, away from the two of them, alone, together.
"I think this is my fault."
That's Ryan's voice and Lindsay turns around to look at them once again. She can’t help it.
Seth shakes his head, chuckling softly under his breath. "You didn't give him a heart attack. You know he kind of had it coming."
Ryan gives Seth a sideways look, the corners of his lips curling upward. "He's your grandfather. I can't believe you said that."
"You know it's true. He's been collecting bad karma since Vegas."
Ryan chuckles despite himself, she notices, the tension around his shoulders almost lessening. "I had almost forgotten about Vegas."
"I haven't." Seth says, smile on his lips, looking straight at Ryan.
Lindsay frowns. Vegas? Ryan had gone to Vegas? She didn't know that. He never told her.
With a sigh, she realizes, or remembers because this is not the first time she's thought about this, there are so many things about him, about them, about her own family, she doesn't know. There's history between Ryan and Seth. History she might never know. History she might not want to know.
"It's not your fault, Ryan." Seth reaches out, right hand still clasped in Ryan's left one, and he touches Ryan's cheek, smiling as he does so. "It's not your fault."
Ryan seems to lean into the touch, a content smile on his lips and with a sigh, Lindsay turns away. She can't look at them anymore, their touch too personal, too intimate. She doesn't remember the last time Ryan touched her the way Seth touched Ryan, or if Ryan ever reacted to her the way he reacts to Seth.
She leans forward, running a hand through her hair as she tries not to hear the soft words they share with one another. She turns around to look down the hallway, waiting for the doctor to appear, to let them know about Caleb's condition, but more importantly, to break up their moment.
It doesn't happen, of course, but God doesn't seem to be nice to her as of late. Instead, her gaze shifts to Kirsten as she stares down at her folded hands.
Lindsay wonders if she heard Ryan and Seth's exchange, if she was as taken aback by it as Lindsay herself was. But Kirsten's sitting there calmly, like she didn't hear a word. That's not possible. They might have been whispering, but it was loud enough for Lindsay to hear clearly, Kirsten must have. They are still too close to them not to.
A moment later, Kirsten looks up at her and smiles, patting Lindsay's hand comfortably, almost like she understands her, like she knows. It's then that Lindsay's convinced she heard them, she must have, and that it's not an uncommon thing when it comes down to the two of them to do that, to whisper like there's no one else in the room, in the world, but each other.
She's jealous, she admits, of that thing they have that Lindsay doesn't, not with Ryan, not with anyone else. Maybe it's because they are almost siblings, the very same age, and they understand what the other is going through. But she doesn't think that's the reason. It has to be something else, something she can't see because she hasn't known them long enough.
It has to be that. And she wants to know. She wants to ask Kirsten about it, suddenly curious and not being able to stop herself. There is something there and she has to know.
"We're going for coffee."
Seth's words make Lindsay turn around and look at them. They are standing in front of Kirsten and herself, acting as a united front. She blinks, surprised, and really looks at them. They stand so very close to one another, their shoulders are touching. After a moment, Ryan places his arm over Seth's shoulder, his hand clasping Seth's opposite collarbone.
They look so very comfortable with the touch, almost like it couldn't be any other way, like Ryan's hand belongs on Seth's shoulder.
Kirsten nods, and when Lindsay gives her a sideways glance, she sees understanding in Kirsten's eyes. "Sure. We'll be right here."
Both boys nod at once and Ryan gives Lindsay a quick smile before they turn around and make their way down the hallway.
Lindsay looks at their backs, sighing softly. Ryan's hand stays on Seth's shoulder a moment too long. She thinks she sees Ryan squeezing it slightly and Seth leaning against Ryan's side, but she's not certain. And then, Ryan drops his arm. She tells herself she's not certain. Their shoulders are still bumping against one another. Maybe they need the comfort, the soft touch that they can only find in each other.
She doesn't know and, when her gaze shifts to look at Kirsten, she realizes she doesn't want to ask her anymore. Maybe not knowing is, somehow, for the best. She leans back against the chair and waits to hear from the doctor.