Of Paper Hearts
by M. F. Luder
Part three
13. yellow
The equation makes sense as she writes it down, and everything seems to fall into place. Numbers and logic and one after another, one plus one giving two, it makes her smile like nothing else can. Lindsay tilts her head and finishes copying the answer her calculator gives her, and a quick analysis lets her know that her answer is within the reasonable parameters.
For a second she thinks about college -- college, the only reason she's here, in Harbor, among surf and plastic surgery -- and being able to learn more about numbers and physics and being with people who understand, who know what she means when she says numbers make sense and fit and are perfect and would always, always, give her a straight answer.
She swallows and looks down at her hands, tells herself there's nothing wrong with not understanding people at times, because their answers are always blurred. Blurred together like fingers without knowledge had glossed over them.
She lifts her eyes from her notebook to ask Ryan if he finished the exercise and maybe had trouble with the third equation of the procedure because she had, and it took her a moment to realize that she was using the whole weight of the pulley and she shouldn't.
Seth chuckles, shaking his head as Ryan rolls his eyes and Lindsay tilts her head to the side, watching them. Watching them with more than just curiosity in her eyes, because this study date of Ryan and hers was supposed to be about them being together while still allowing her to finish her homework. Seth wasn't supposed to be invited but Ryan had showed up at the library with Seth by his side, mentioned that Alex was busy with the club and he'd rather Seth stayed with them than go home and be bored to death. Lindsay could only press her lips in a line and nod and tell herself Seth's his brother, of course Ryan cares.
But this is more than caring, this is more than--
She glances at Ryan's pencil in hand, down at the page on his notebook. There are barely four lines written. It took her a page and a half to finish the whole exercise, mostly because there were calculations that had to be done on the sidelines so she had all the data that she needed.
There are no calculations on the edges of Ryan's notebook. There are lines written on the margins, in Seth's scrawny handwriting. A few of those sentences have been crossed, newer ones written underneath.
Lindsay watches them, blue eyes attentive, and even though Ryan's sitting across from her on the table and Seth on his left, they don't seem to notice her. Ryan shakes his head and nudges Seth's side, and Seth laughs, low in his throat because they are in the study hall and Miss Pince doesn't like it when they make noise. Ryan takes Seth's pen away from him, placing it on the edge of his notebook, away from Seth. Seth snorts, taking one of Ryan's pens and lifting a couple of pages from the notebook, and writing on the margin of that page as well.
Ryan rolls his eyes, she can see that. Ryan rolls his eyes and she had thought Ryan liked silence when he did homework, because they don't talk until one of them comes to a stump and needs assistance from the other. It's usually Ryan asking her, but she doesn't mind.
Ryan rolls his eyes and turns to look at Seth, his lips in a thin line and Lindsay can't help but smile to herself and think, yeah, now you're going to get it Seth. Now you're going to--
But the frown on Ryan's face doesn't linger, and in a breath his lips curl into a small smile, into a soft smile, the smile Ryan always seems to have for Seth and Seth alone. A smile that seems to whisper a mixture of amusement and contentment and a feeling of home, and she has no idea how she can read all this in Ryan's face, but she does. Or at least, she thinks she does.
Ryan shakes his head, blue eyes light and she can see it again, amusement and not anger at Seth's antics and Ryan says with a laugh, "God, can you stop it?"
Seth lifts his eyebrows, as if making a joke but not saying it aloud. "Why would I?"
Ryan rolls his eyes again and leans forward, and he glares at Seth but the scorn seems to hold no real bite. "Because if you don't stop it, I'll make you."
Seth grins at that, a huge grin on his face and they are looking at one another and for a second Lindsay can't breathe. She waits and watches and holds in her breath and then Seth's leaning forward, closer and closer and she thinks, Seth's going to kiss him.
Only it doesn't happen like that. Seth licks the side of Ryan's face, from jaw up to cheekbone, pressing with his tongue, making a slurpy sound, like eating an icecream that's melting in your hands. Lindsay gasps, the sound loud in her throat, but they don't notice either, or simply don't care.
Ryan pulls back for a second and she can't read his face this time. And then he's reaching forward, hand catching Seth by the jaw and she wonders if Ryan'll shove Seth away or punch him or worse. But it doesn't happen like that either. She can't seem to be able to read them anymore, or maybe she never could. Ryan holds on to Seth's jaw with tight fingers before shaking Seth's head from side to side, chuckling as he does so, not minding the saliva still shining on his cheek, skin humid on his jaw.
Ryan chuckles again, laughter free and happy and perfect, and Lindsay feels a knot in her throat because he has never laughed like that with her. Never. Ryan shakes Seth's head once again before letting go, his fingers going slack and falling to his side, laughter still on his lips, and Seth moves back, laughing as well.
Lindsay swallows thickly. They are still looking at one another, as if she doesn't exist, as if she's not sitting with them in the same table in the library. She looks down, staring at her notebook, at her writing and her numbers and the equations that make sense when people don't, at theories and theorems and answers that are accurate enough with three decimals. Her hand tightness on her pencil and she picks up her calculator again, going through the equations, through her numbers, wanting to make sure she has the right answer.
Alex growls in the back of her throat. "Fuck, could you be any more childish? I have work to do, you idiot! I don't live on my parents' money, like other people," she growls, glaring at Seth. Seth is standing there, looking back at her, his arms folded on his chest and his eyes narrow. And for some stupid reason, she can see Ryan doing that and Seth having picked that up from him. That only fuels her anger even more, simmering blue for a second before lowering to deep red. "Or my guardians' money, for that matter."
And with that, she draws blood. Seth blinks back at her, shock and anger and hate going through his eyes as the brown iris changes shades, darkening with every breath, before Seth snorts, picks up his bag from the counter of the bar, and turns around on his heels.
"You want me to leave, fine. I'm leaving," he calls out over his shoulder, raising one hand in a mock wave as he makes his way to the door of the club.
"Then leave, you childish, immature--" The front door slams close on her words, "son of a bitch."
"Fuck," she curses under her breath, her skin feeling too tight, words dying on her lips that she wishes Seth could hear being thrown at him. "Fuck."
She walks around the counter and into the bar, picking up a glass and filling it with two fingers of straight vodka. She drains it in one swallow, feeling the alcohol burning down her throat and her eyes glaze for a second before she breathes in, and in, and everything inside burns hot and right.
She looks over her shoulder at the closed front door, and then Mindy is making her way into the bar with a box of beer to stack.
"More?" Mindy asks with a raised eyebrow, bottle of Absolute Vodka in hand.
Alex actually considers it, even though it's only six and she just drained a straight shot. She shakes her head after a moment. "No, I'm fine."
Mindy shrugs, placing the bottle back to where it belongs. "You were loud enough to be heard in the back room."
Alex snorts. She had never been one to keep her voice low when fighting, and Seth doesn't seem to be one either. Fuck. She runs a hand through her hair, feeling the loose strands catching on her ring and pulling a few hairs. She pats her jeans pockets and doesn't find the scrunchie to tie her hair with.
Fuck, she thinks again, can't stop herself from thinking it because now her mood is shot to hell and Snow Patrol is set to play tonight, should be arriving within the hour, and she really likes them and she fucking knows Seth loves them. It was supposed to be a nice night, a fucking quiet night even if it's Wednesday and Ryan hadn't come for once. It was supposed to be just her and Seth and now it’s all shot to fucking hell.
She blinks, running her hand through her hair once again, thinking about the stupid scrunchie and she must have lost it, or left it at home, and now she's going to be running her hand through her hair the whole night. She glances over her shoulder, eyes the Absolute and considers another shot before growling in the back of her throat.
Stupid Seth and his stupid fucking comment about how he hoped she'd actually be with him tonight during the concert. And she could have brushed it off, like she has with a hundred other stupid half ass comments made by Seth, but she chose to answer this one, for a change. To mention that she didn't have a nice, cushy trust fund to fall back on if this gig didn't pay off. And then Seth went ahead and said that he didn't either, and she lifted her eyebrow and then Seth said, okay, sure, maybe I do, but what does that have anything to do with--
And she just kept going from there, about how nice it must be to work just for the sake of buying yourself a new watch or yet another iPod with more memory, and not work because you have to pay rent and the electricity bill and the phone bill. And she couldn't stop, and neither could Seth, and then she had gone on to withdraw a blade and say she hadn't been lucky enough to be adopted by a rich couple here in Newport. And Seth took that personally, of course, like he always does when it comes to Ryan, because Seth can't stand anyone badmouthing Ryan. She knew that, of course she knew, that's why she’d said it.
And he kept going, and so had she, and then she drew blood and Seth fucking walked out on her.
It was so fucking stupid. She has no idea why she had to do that, go on and pick a fight. Well, she knows, but it was fucking stupid of her anyway. They are who they are. She and Seth, and Seth and Ryan. Seth's birthday was a week ago and she had thought she was over that, over feeling wronged by Ryan, by Ryan getting Seth something Seth loved, something that warranted a tight hug. And she keeps telling herself she didn't see anything else, it must have been a trick of the light or her own anger.
She rolls her eyes, Mindy still stocking the bar as Alex grumbles under her breath and makes her way out of the club, pushing the door open. She'll talk with Seth, apologize. They don't have to fight, not tonight, not with Snow Patrol--
"-- nothing."
Alex pauses, her hand still on the edge of the door, her fingers tightening around them without even noticing.
"No, really. It was nothing."
Her eyes narrow as she watches Seth, forearms leaning on the edge of the pier, cell phone in one hand, and she doesn't need three guesses to know who he's talking to.
Seth snorts. "I'm telling you--" He sighs, and for a moment she can't help but think that it's always like this, that she’s always watching Seth and Ryan, Ryan and Seth, in one form or another. "A stupid fight, like usual."
A stupid fight, alright. A stupid fight you started, you stupid son of a bitc--
"No, no, I'm not staying."
Alex swallows, telling herself that if he doesn't plan to go back to the club to apologize, then she sure as hell--
"I'm fine, Ryan. I swear."
Alex snorts again, Seth's words confirming her assumptions. And of course it's Ryan on the phone, who else would it be? Her? No, of course not. It's not like Seth needs her when the idiot has Ryan at his beck and call--
"Look, she just... she said something things, okay? Things... I didn't like."
She sighs, feeling something tightening in her chest that's not quite anger. And she knows she was mean, went for that which would hurt Seth the most, but it was a fight. That's how people fight with one another. Say mean things that they later have to apologize for, even buy candy to apologize for. Or hasn't he ever said something to Ryan that he didn't really mean? She snorts.
"No, no, I don't care if it's Snow Patrol--" Seth sighs and Alex narrows her eyes. He should have cared. He loves that band. She does too, but Seth loves it even more. He should have cared. Nothing should have been more important to him than seeing them live, not even his fight with her. Not even what she had said. "Look, I'm not staying. Can you come pick me up?"
Alex shakes her head once, because she did pick him up from school while Ryan stood there, at the edge of the parking lot, watching them walk away, again, as she drove on. She snorts.
"Yeah, yeah. Just hurry, okay? Please?"
Her neck and throat burns with pent up anger and she doesn't want to hear anything else, another word from his mouth, and she turns around and walks back into the club.
"Fucking wait for him, if that's what you want," she mutters under her breath, going straight for the bar. "Fucking wait for him and miss the band and I hope you fucking choke on your Thai food."
She hears Mindy sniggering behind her as she picks up the bottle of Absolute and this time she pours herself three fingers.
"Seth coming back?"
Alex snorts, lifting her glass, translucent and clear and snorts again before draining it in one shot, breathing out through her nose as the alcohol makes its way down her throat. "Fuck him."
Lindsay sits on the couch, watching TV with Ryan, his arm along the back of the couch, his thumb almost touching the nape of her neck. Ryan looks relaxed and comfortable, and she would buy that, be sure of that, if it weren't for the way Ryan glanced at Seth when Seth made his way into the kitchen both times. Like he is biting back words he knew he couldn't say, because it was Seth or she was there, she doesn't know, but like biting back words all the same.
She's knows her mom has gone out on dates a couple of times since she was born. Lindsay never met any of the men, because her mom told her that she would when she knew it was serious. She never had a father figure, not one like Sandy Cohen, but she thinks this is how married couples fight.
She can feel bitterness in the thought, the taste on her tongue an almost coppery tang, but she knows she's right as well. She has seen them fight before, about the little stuff, fights like the ones she has with her mother. About who's turn to take out the trash it was supposed to be, or who forgot to return a video to the store, or who ate the last bagel.
But this one feels different. Deeper somehow.
It's Thursday and usually they would do homework with Seth but today, Lindsay saw the way Seth walked into the kitchen when they were still at the table. She saw how Seth glanced at Ryan and then snorted, and Ryan had his lips pressed into a thin line and didn't say anything, even though he had to know Seth was there, right there, looking at him with a glare in his eyes.
She hasn't asked about the fight, doesn't want to know, not really, but wants to at the same time. She wants to know what could have possibly happened in between them to leave them like this, fuming at one another and yet not sharing a word.
"Want a coke?"
Lindsay blinks, taken aback by Ryan's words. She turns to look at him, at Ryan looking back at her with soft blue eyes and nods. "Yeah, thanks."
She glances over her shoulder as she watches Ryan make his way around the couch to the kitchen. She turns back to the TV, picks up the remote and starts zapping -- something Ryan hates and she stops herself from doing while watching with Ryan -- and then she hears footsteps and in a second she knows it's Seth, coming back down, again, as if looking for a fight.
She swallows and lets the remote fall on the couch by her side -- she had paused on a shopping channel when she saw a nice necklace, but now they are selling a ceramic figurine -- and turns to look over her shoulder. She can't see much, not from this angle. Ryan's leaning on his hip against the edge of the counter, by the stools, arms folded on his chest. She can't see Seth, but she imagines him by the threshold, looking back at Ryan.
She watches Ryan shake his head once before he's out of her sight, as if going to the fridge. She hears the fridge door opening a second later, and then Ryan's voice. "You're an idiot, you know that?"
She hears Seth snort and wishes she could stand up and watch them from around the corner, but she's certain Ryan would see her. "Oh, really. I don't even know why you're mad at me--"
"You know perfectly well--"
"Ryan, it was stupid, and it had nothing to do with you--"
"It had everything to do with me," Lindsay hears Ryan hissing through his teeth, as if wanting to keep his voice low and being unable to do so. "You and Alex fought--"
"It doesn't matter!"
"Shh!"
Lindsay frowns as Ryan quiets Seth, and yes, Seth's voice had been rising, but if they think she can't hear them. "Damn it, Seth, could you stop it? It was nothing. I'm sure she didn't mean--"
"I don't care if she meant it or not, okay? She said it and it was awful and I don't want to--""You know what, you're right? It doesn't matter. I'm staying the hell out of your fight."
"Good."
"Good."
Lindsay hears the fridge door slam shut and she jumps in surprise, turning around, picking up the remote once again. She goes back to what they were watching -- halfway through a rerun of L&O: SCU -- and folds her hands in her lap. Ryan sits by her side with a plop, almost tiredly, and hands her the can of coke. She knows, in other circumstances, he would have offered her a glass. She opens the can and takes a long drink.
Ryan doesn't mention his fight with Seth but a second later she hears the French doors opening and then closing, and she closes her eyes briefly as to stop herself from glancing over her shoulder.
She hears Ryan cursing under his breath. She thinks she hears what he says, going over the words in her mind again and again, until they are shaped into words and then into sentence.
picking up a fight for something that's not even worth it--
it's not like it's not true, you know, you stupid little--
you wouldn't know what's good for you if it so much as bit you in the ass--
She hides her grin at the last sentence she thinks she hears, and continues watching the show. By the time it's finished, Ryan hasn't said a word to her but the grumbling under his breath has been more so than before. Finally, Ryan sighs, and shakes his head once before standing up. She hears him mutter one last time about knowing when to pick up fights that aren't his, something he'll never really learn, which of course doesn't make sense, none of this makes any sense at all. She sighs, glancing at him from her peripheral vision and sees him walking out of the kitchen through the French doors.
She'd really like to know what the hell happened between them to get to this point. Really. She knows he's not obliged to tell her -- she doesn't tell him about her fights with her mom -- but she wishes he would.
Lindsay turns all the way around on the couch, ending up almost kneeling on it, her forearms resting on the back. She can see the corner of the futon from this angle, but only the corner and the lower edge of it. She frowns, and Seth's sitting there, on the edge, head leaning forward. Ryan pulls the doors of the pool house open and Seth doesn't look up, even when Ryan sits down beside him, on Seth's right.
She watches them because this is the only way she can ever get any information. This is the only way she can read who they are, who they are with one another, who they are when they aren't with the rest of the world.
She swallows, watching Ryan nudge Seth with his elbow, even if his lips don't move. Seth's don’t either, and that really comes as a surprise, because Seth's not one to keep quiet. Like her, in a way.
She blinks and watches and after a few minutes, they still haven’t said a word. Ryan nudges him once again and then she thinks Seth shakes his head, but she's not sure. And then they are just sitting there, forearms on knees, their elbows not quite touching and yet doing so, just sitting there like they know what they want to say to each other and words would only get in the way. Never come close.
After another minute, Seth nods. Lindsay watches as Ryan nods as well. She breathes in and Ryan places his arm over Seth's shoulders, like he does with her when they are watching TV. She blinks and Ryan pulls Seth to his side, closer, like all the fences have been mended, like they weren't fighting only minutes ago.
She sighs, and turns around, sitting back on the couch, her mind drawing a blank. She swallows and reaches for her coke. The can is slick with condensation, and the liquid is warm on her lips, and it tastes a bit acrid, like Coca Cola always does when it has gone warm after being cold. She thinks about going to the fridge and getting another one, but instead just takes a short sip and places it back on the center table, knowing she won't finish it.
It's not long after that that Ryan and Seth return, Seth saying something she doesn't really catch before Ryan laughs, a sound she's not familiar with. Ryan sits on her left, Seth on the other side of him.
"What are we watching?" Seth asks with a frown, and Lindsay turns around to look at him.
Ryan rolls his eyes, picking the remote from where she had left it, against her left leg. "Here," Ryan says, giving it to Seth. "You pick something."
Seth starts zapping through the channels, going as fast as she does when she's watching TV alone -- her mom hates her zapping as well -- before pausing on "True lies", a movie she has watched a dozen times and still keeps on watching.
Seth nods before settling back on the couch, shifting until he finds a comfortable position. Ryan places his arm along the back of the couch, his right arm, his fingers not even close to the nape of her neck.
"Okay, how many times have we seen this movie?" Ryan asks, exasperation almost audible in his tone, but laced with amusement.
Seth rolls his eyes, and Lindsay can see him shifting once again, to his right, closer to Ryan. She thinks their legs touch, but she can't be sure.
"A hundred times. I don't care. We're watching it again."
She doesn't mind watching it again. She just wishes Ryan would ask her.
"Do you like this movie?"
Lindsay turns around, surprised at Ryan's words. At Ryan's words directed at her. She nods after a moment. "Yeah. One of my favorites, actually."
Ryan smiles, nodding as he does so before leaning forward and kissing her on the lips. She kisses him back, if only hesitantly at first. She eases into it just before Ryan pulls away, and she's blinking at him, looking back at her.
She gives him a quick smile before settling back on the couch, against his side, and after a moment, his arm comes down to settle around her. She relaxes against him, comfortable, and watches the movie, smiling to herself when Ryan tilts his head and kisses the top of her head, the side of her temple.
Alex tilts her head to the side, smile on her lips, elbows on the edge of the counter in the Cohen’s kitchen. Seth leans forward and kisses her and she can't help but kiss him back, her hands moving to the nape of his neck, pulling him closer. The edge of the kitchen island cuts into her ribs but she doesn't care as her hand move up and her fingers find Seth's hair and stay there.
Alex licks Seth's lower lip with the tip of her tongue, lingers on his upper lip and feels Seth shudder beside her, and she can't help but grin against the kiss. They have just come down from Seth's bedroom and the parents are still out for the night and she doesn't have to go back to the club tonight for a change.
When Seth pulls away, Alex smirks at his swollen lips and glazed look, proud of herself.
Seth leans closer for one last kiss before smiling at her. He mentions dinner and she shrugs, because, yeah, she could eat. Sex always gives her the munchies.
Seth nods, jerking his head over his shoulder, toward the French doors. "I'm gonna ask Ryan want he wants for dinner."
She snorts under her breath, mostly because she doesn't understand the point of asking what Ryan wants when they always have Thai. At least most of the time. She shrugs. "Sure." She thinks about it for a second before pushing herself off the counter and straightening up. "I'll go with you."
Alex runs a hand through her hair, patting her pockets for her hair tie and not finding it. She follows Seth through the French doors and up the five steps that lead to the barbeque area on her right and the pool house straight ahead.
She can see the glass panels, the doors are closed and she's about to say that maybe they should just order and Ryan will probably be out for dinner in a while when Seth just pushes the doors open. She frowns, and once again thinks about speaking up, telling Seth that it might be his house but this is, for all accounts and purposes, Ryan's room, and the door is closed. And she might not quite see eye to eye with Ryan most of the time, but she respects privacy above all else, considering she never had any while living with her parents.
But Seth's faster than she is, just pushing the door open and walking inside. She follows him and when she notices that the room is empty, she finally speaks up. "He must have gone out," she says with a shrug.
Seth shakes his head. "Nah, Ryan wouldn't do that. He'd tell me if he was leaving."
Her eyes narrow on their own, her mind racing with those words. Of course he wouldn't do that. He'd tell you first. The same way you called him first thing after we got into that fight. The same way you run to him--
She shakes her head. She can't stop herself from remembering that day, that night, not even a week ago. And the fight had been huge and stupid and she knows the real reason Seth held that grudge for a good two days was because of what she said about Ryan, and nothing else. And she remembers standing there, before Seth, her tone rising and going for the throat because it felt good, because they were fighting and in that second she wanted him to hurt. And how fucked up that had been. And how bad she had felt that night when she arrived at her place.
He could have left without telling you, she thinks about saying, and the words are on the tip of her tongue when she hears the shower running.
"Oh, right," Seth says with a nod, walking around the bed and up the two steps, to the bathroom.
Alex chuckles. "What, are you just going to walk ins--?"
Her words die in her throat as Seth does exactly that, pushing the bathroom door open. She pauses, just standing there, next to the futon, blinking at Seth taking a step forward into the bathroom, hand lingering on the doorknob for a second. She can see the vapor from the shower coming out of the bathroom, the edge of the closed curtain and the side of the toilet. She swallows. Seth, you stupid son of a bitc--
She thinks she'd be appalled, if she weren't so surprised.
"Seth?"
Alex blinks, hearing Ryan's voice and taking a step to the right, wanting to see more of the curtain and more of Seth at the same time. She sees Seth nod, leaning back against the edge of the wall, arms folded on his chest.
"Dude, question. What do you want for dinner?"
"Seth, how many times--?" Ryan's voice, and Alex can really finish that sentence all on her own.
"Thai? I mean, we've been practically supporting Mr. Ko's establishment all by ourselves, you know? Also, isn't Ko, like, Chinese or something? Not really Thai, right?"
Alex hears the shower curtain being pulled back before she sees Ryan leaning forward, head out through the gap of the curtain that's being held chest high. His hair is plastered against the side of his head, wet, white trails of soap still on the side of his face. "Seth, I'm taking a shower. Sho-wer. I thought I explained that concept to you last year?"
Seth waves it off with one left hand. "Whatever. Pizza? It has been ages since we--"
She thinks she sees Ryan sighing in resignation, but it might very well be her imagination.
"Yeah, pizza's fine," Ryan says, letting the curtain drop from his hands, and from this angle, she can see almost a line of skin, his pale right shoulder, his side and her eyes narrow not in anger but appreciation. She would whistle, if Seth wouldn't hear her. "Could you get that--?"
"Double order of garlic bread and the cheese fingers thingies that you love so much--"
"I don't--"
"And I better make that two orders too, because last time--"
"Oh, please, you ate Kirsten's portion and then tried to convince her she had already eaten them, so don't even try--"
"Meat lovers, right? Two? Alex is here as well."
Ryan's voice comes muffled by the shower, and Alex wonders how in the world Seth has no understanding of the word boundaries. "She staying for dinner?"
"Yeah."
"Then, yeah, two. Better safe--"
"--than you staying hungry, I know."
She hears the curtain being pulled open once again, and Seth laughs, and she can fill in the blanks of Ryan shooting Seth the bird. The shower goes silent, water apparently being turned off, before hearing Ryan's voice. "Pretend you're here for something other than testing my patience and hand me--"
Seth turns around, reaching somewhere she can't quite see from this angle -- and is it just her, or does she spend half her time spying on them? -- before taking a step forward, closer to the shower, and handing Ryan a towel.
She watches more skin and muscle than she should, water making it slick and glisten and her heart beats so very loud in her chest and ears because, yeah, she's with Seth, but she's a woman and that boy is hot. After a breath, she turns her face away, and can hear the exchange of words, but can't understand them, or doesn't really pay attention to them. She frowns and thinks about Seth, walking into Ryan's bedroom like he has every right to be here. Into the fucking bathroom and how the fuck can Seth do that, just walk in with no regards whatsoever for Ryan's privacy--?
"Oh, Alex."
She looks up, blinking, her eyes taking in the towel draped around Ryan's hips, right hand holding the edges together, the water still clinging to his chest, rivulets making their way down in between his pectorals and down his abdomen, the damp hair standing out, and she can’t help but breath out through her mouth, her gaze taking in the miles of skin and skin and skin--
"I didn't know you were--"
Alex blinks, her gaze moving up to Ryan's face. She shrugs, composing herself in two seconds flat. "I just followed Seth in here. I didn't know he was going to interrupt your shower," she says with a glare directed at Seth.
Yes, subtlety totally goes over Seth's head, because Seth just smiles at her and nods, like he did everything right.
"Yeah," Ryan says with a shake of his head, and the amusement in his tone isn't something Alex imagines. He glances over his shoulder at Seth before moving to the whicker boxes that, apparently, serve as his closet. "Seth has no idea what words like restrain, or boundaries, or privacy, or not his mean."
Alex nods, because it's one thing to watch Seth do that, and another entirely to be on the receiving end of Seth's single-mindedness when he wants something, when he thinks there's nothing wrong with wanting that something. She swallows, and nods again. "Yeah, sorry."
Ryan waves it off with his left hand, a habit he seems to have picked up from Seth. "Don't worry." He puts on a gray t-shirt that clings to his body, and picks up pants and underwear -- she very pointedly doesn't look at the white briefs -- before jerking his head toward the bathroom.
"I'm just gonna--"
"Dude, change, we have to--"
Ryan glares at Seth, his eyes narrowed and his jaw clenched, and Alex snorts in the back of her throat. If Ryan changes before Seth -- first of all, she really doesn't want to know, and second of all, she really doesn't want to know -- that's one thing, but she knows Ryan's not going to change in front of her.
Seth doesn't get it, apparently, and Alex thinks about throwing something his way when Ryan clears his throat and then Seth's nodding. "Right, right. Out. For you to change. Of course. Privacy, I think it's called." He gives her a quick smile before walking around Ryan, down the two steps and to the door.
Alex snorts once again, walking toward the door herself, before looking over her shoulder at Ryan. Ryan, who makes his way down the two steps slowly, holding the towel in one hand and his jeans and underwear and socks in the other. Ryan, who will change in the middle of the room the moment they step out. Ryan, who apparently would have changed in the middle of the room, had Alex not been there.
She sighs and turns her head back around, and follows Seth to the kitchen, thinking about telling Seth about three orders of garlic bread because she really likes those.
Lindsay walks out of AP Calculus and looks both ways down the hallway before frowning. She checks her watch, taking a step to the side to allow the rest of the students to walk out. Not that there are many. Barely a class of seven, considering the level of Calculus taught.
It's a little after three and she knows Ryan has, probably, left school long ago. She thinks about calling him, maybe pick him up so they can go somewhere. A movie, she thinks with a smile. A movie and maybe something to eat afterwards and--
Lindsay takes a step to the side even as she hits the speed dial on her cell phone, Peter Grodin making his way out of the classroom as well, giving her a smile.
"Hey," Peter says, making his way to her, hefting his backpack on one shoulder. "Dr. Quiu said twenty minute break before the study session. Wanna have something to eat?"
She shakes her head, hearing the call go straight to voice mail. She frowns before looking up at Peter. "Oh, no, no. Thanks. I'm fine." She gives him a quick smile, shrugging as she does so. "I might not go to study session today."
Peter frowns, head cocked to the side. "What? Why? You're always so--"
Peter kind of trails off, moving one hand in the air, as if trying to convey Lindsay in a couple of words. Driven? Passionate? Obsessed? Crazy? All of the above?
Lindsay grins. "I know. I just--" Today, just today, she doesn't want to think about numbers or serials or anything. She just wants to go to the movies and snuggle up to her boyfriend's side and be very quiet because Ryan hates people talking while watching a movie. She shrugs. "I gotta go," she says, lifting her purse higher on her arm.
Peter nods, waving at her even as she turns around and hits #4 on her cell phone, waiting a few seconds before it goes to voice mail -- again. She sighs, and takes a left turn, cutting through the lounge to go to the parking lot. Maybe it's her connection? Which of course wouldn't make any sense but--
"Lindsay!"
She turns around, blinking and trying to see who is actually calling out for her that isn't in the Calculus study session. To say that she's surprised that it's Marissa and Summer would probably be the understatement of the year.
She swallows, making her way to the couch they are sharing, plastering a smile on her lips she doesn't really feel. This is Ryan's ex, beautiful and breathtaking and thin with perfectly manicured hands and applied make up and--
"Hey," she says with a small smile, swallowing again as she does so. "I didn't see you guys."
Lindsay remembers Ryan talking her into sitting with Marissa and Summer in Economics class and the three of them doing a paper together, but that was about as close as they were able to get. She still doesn't feel comfortable exchanging more than ten words with Ryan's ex.
"Wanna have a cup of coffee?" Summer says with a smile. "We're talking about boys," she lifts her eyebrows up and down, suggestively, and Marissa giggles into her hand.
She gives them a quick smile but shakes her head. "Sorry, I'm trying to reach Ryan," she says, lifting her cell phone still cradled in one hand. "I thought maybe we could go to the movies--"
"Oh, but its Wednesday," Marissa says as a matter of fact.
Lindsay frowns; watching Summer knowingly, like this means something. Like the fact that it's Wednesday should mean something to her, as it obviously does to them. "Wednesday?"
Summer nods. "Yeah, Wednesday."
Yeah, well, it's Wednesday. So? Lindsay gives them a short laugh, not at all funny. "Well, yes. It is Wednesday, and I know Ryan had seventh period free, so--"
"So he's not here anymore," Summer says with a nod, picking up her coffee and glancing at Marissa before looking back at Lindsay. "Neither is Seth."
Lindsay frowns this time, totally confused, thinking they are playing a very mean game on her and wondering if it'd be rude of her to just walk away and keep on calling Ryan. "Seth? What does he have to do--?"
what does he have to do with anything?
And her words end there because the question is stupid, and she knows it's stupid, and from the quick but meaningful glance Marissa and Summer share, they know it's stupid as well.
"I didn't know," she says after a moment, the only thing she can say. They have their free period together. That implies premeditation. Previous thought. As usual. She swallows bitterly and wants a Coke, not coffee. "I didn't know."
Summer shrugs. "Wednesday means going to the Comic Book store and then just hanging out, the two of them, reading the new comics." She nods and then Marissa follows, taking a long drink from her coffee, and Lindsay has a feeling it's Irish. "Zach actually tried to get in between them," Summer says thoughtfully before chuckling. "Poor thing. I think I can still see the claw marks on his back."
Marissa chuckles again, and this time it sounds more drunken than it does girlish. "You should have warned him."
Summer snorts. "Oh, please, it was fun watching him try to be friends with them." She turns around, looking straight at Lindsay. "Not that they aren't friends. He and Cohen have a weird affinity when it comes to comics. But trying to get in between Cohen and Ryan's Wednesdays together? That was just plain stupid. Serves him right," she finishes with a nod.
Lindsay keeps on looking at them, blinking, trying to find heads or tails of this conversation and coming up with an imaginary number. "I'm sorry, I don't--"
"Ryan and Seth spend their Wednesdays together," Marissa says again, her voice sounding surprisingly sober, even though her eyes look kind of weird, and a bit high. "They always have. Since they met, I think." She pauses, tilting her head to the side, and Lindsay can imagine her trying to bring a recollection to the forefront of her mind. "Yeah," Marissa says after a moment. "Pretty much."
"I don't--"
Summer cuts her off. "That's why they have the final period on Wednesdays together. So they can go to the store and buy those stupid comic books and spend the rest of the afternoon together like stupid little bitches."
Marissa turns to look at her, one eyebrow raised, very much a Ryan move that makes Lindsay certain she picked it up from him. "Bitter much?"
Summer glares at Marissa before picking up Marissa's coffee and taking a long drink from it. The way Summer grimaces a bit before breathing out confirms Lindsay's assumption about the Irish coffee.
"Anyway," Summer says with a smile, lifting Marissa's coffee. "Coffee?"
Lindsay shakes her head, taking a step back and closing her cell phone off in one swift move. "No, no, I'm fine," she says, shrugging with one shoulder, "I'm just gonna-- Nice talking to you!"
She turns around and walks out of the lounge and down the hallway, back from where she came. She swallows thickly and thinks about Ryan leaving early today and driving while Seth probably babbles in the passenger seat. Lindsay closes her eyes briefly, pausing in mid step, looking down at the cell phone in her hands. Her fingers curl tightly over it.
She shoves it inside her bag before placing it over her shoulder once again and wonders if Peter saved her a seat.
Seth's hand moves from her side, fingers touching the contour of her ribs to her left breast, caressing the still sensitized skin, making her shiver, her eyes closing at the pleasure brought by the touch, not quite purring under her breath. Seth turns around on her bed, rolling from his back to his side, and Alex turns to look at him before he lowers his face to lick the path of her collarbone.
The tingles and looseness, laced with sleepiness from her recent orgasm leave her skin warm and hot, every pore an erogenous zone, and Seth knows this, is familiar with it.
Alex can feel him smirk against her skin, and her right hand falls on his shoulder blades, moving down to his hip, pulling him closer to her. He's half hard and she smiles, the pressure of heat and desire low in her belly, and she tilts her head, kissing the side of his face as he makes her arc up under his touch.
She might not be able to come right away, but she'll give it her best shot, and she grins, her left hand moving to his side, touching him and feeling him respond under her touch, before the ring of his cell phone makes her groan in frustration.
Seth places one kiss on her skin before rolling out of her, reaching for his cell phone. She recognizes the ringtone and she can feel anger replacing the warmth in her stomach, on her skin. She swallows past the tightness in her throat and only half listens to his conversation on the phone.
"Yes, yes. Sure. I'll be there in half an hour. Don't worry. Just wait for me."
Alex doesn't need Seth to explain it to her. She knows the explanations by heart now. Lindsay and Ryan fought. Lindsay left Ryan stranded somewhere in the great Orange County. Seth has the car with which he met Alex at her place not even an hour ago. Seth has to pick him up. She knows this, all this. Isn't this the second time in a month, two, two and a half weeks? She snorts, rolling out of bed to sit up on the edge before pulling the sheet around her shoulders. She frowns, and thinks that if Seth's going to fucking leave her for Ryan, at the very least he should see what he's leaving behind. She lets the sheet fall from her fingers as she stands up, dressed in nothing but one of her necklaces and the two strands of leather bound around her left wrist.
"Alex, I'm sorry, I gotta--"
She waves his words off, walking around the bed toward the bathroom, giving him a perfect view of her sweat slick skin, narrow waist and perfect ass. "Whatever," she says, her tone natural and controlled, the anger she feels boiling hot just under her skin.
"I'm gonna--"
"Go," she says with a shrug, pausing by the doorway. She turns around, her side to him, the contour of her breasts, the flat expanses of her stomach, the sandy brown curls on her pussy, all visible to him. "Lock when you leave. I'm gonna take a shower."
She turns around and walks away, to the bathroom, leaving the door open as she pushes back the curtain and turns on the hot water. She walks inside, letting the cascade of water fall on top of her head, hair plastering to the sides of her face. She runs her hands through it, straightening over her shoulders, down her back. She closes her eyes for a second, can almost see him putting on his clothes, picking up his wallet and his keys and his cell phone.
She doesn't care, she tells herself. She doesn't give a flying fuck. She doesn't think about how he should tell Ryan to fuck himself and either get a cab or take the bus instead of leaving her naked and wanting. She swallows, letting her anger go with the water and her sweat and his smell, and before she reaches for shampoo, she can hear the front door closing.
She closes her eyes briefly before pouring some onto her hand and running her fingers through her hair once again.
They are lying down on the futon, Lindsay looking up at the ceiling, half smiling. She turns to her left, Ryan's arms folded under his head, his face turned to the right to look at her. She likes this, the comfortableness that comes with knowing someone and being able to do this, just lie down and be and not have to think about words to fill the silence. She really likes this.
She smiles, reaching out to touch his face, the back of her knuckles against the soft skin of his cheek. He looks back at her, the corner of his lips curling upwards, in an almost smile that seems to define him.
She leans forward and kisses him, his hand moving to her shoulder, keeping her in place. Not that she could ever move away from him. He kisses her back, making her sigh against the kiss, making her skin tingle and setting her free.
When she pulls away, she lies back down on the bed, looking at him sideways, the contour of his face, the high of his cheekbones, and the line of his jaw. So handsome, she can't help but think. So handsome and mine.
"You know," she says after a moment, fully knowing she wants to take advantage of the fact that Ryan's relaxed. "You never told me how you met the Cohens."
Ryan had made a passing mention that Sandy and Kirsten were his guardians, and Seth said something about a model home and something called Casino Night that she didn't really understand. She never got the whole story, and now is a good time as any, right?
Ryan nods, giving her that small smile, nothing but the curl of his lips, and looking up at the ceiling, fingers twined together, head resting against his hands.
To her surprise, he actually talks with her, or at her, she's not sure, because not once does he meet her eyes. He keeps on looking at the ceiling, his voice steady, not rising, not lowering. Something even kin to amusement at times, when talking about the Model Home -- she finally knows what it was they were talking about, and can't help but wonder how Seth could come up with a plan like that.
"It was his idea," Ryan says with a shrug, a small smile on his lips. The smile is the curl of both corners of his lips, almost as if his lips don't want to give in to the desire to smile, to be happy. Lindsay blinks and watches him avidly. "He even bought me the ticket to Austin, you know?"
He pauses then, and Lindsay props herself higher on her elbow, face against her own open palm. She can see his eyes becoming unfocused for a second, as if going there, back then, over a year ago.
"I had never met anyone like him," he says, his tone lowering, wistful and appreciative, pleased, content. "He was so... I don't know. He just sat there, you know. He was just sitting there when I walked in."
I know, she thinks. You told me. You already told me that. But she doesn't say a word, and he doesn't stop.
"He was just sitting there. In pajama pants and this stupid 78 shirt that Seth still has somewhere in his drawer and he just turned and looked at me and said Hey."
And Lindsay doesn't need Ryan to finish his thought, which he doesn't, to know that Ryan answered Hey back. She knows this, because they still do that. They still look at each other and say hey to one another like it's still their first day, like they are only now getting to meet, like they have known each other a lifetime.
"He's--" Ryan's words die in his throat, like there aren't enough in his vocabulary to convey what he wants to say. Or maybe that's just how Lindsay feels, she's not sure. "He's the first person I met, after Sandy. He's--" He shrugs. "He was always... unique."
That's one way of putting it, Lindsay thinks, because Marissa and Summer both told her what Harbor and Newport used to be like before Ryan arrived and Seth stopped being pushed around by the waterpolo players.
"He was so different, from anybody I had ever met. He just sat there and looked at me when I walked in," he says, shrugging as he does so, almost like he's not talking to her, not anymore, but being drawn into the memory, in the very recollection of it. "I walked in and he was there and he looked at me." Ryan pauses for a second and Lindsay can't help but feel her breath catch in her throat, waiting, and waiting. "He said Hey and the next thing I know I was sitting on the floor of the den, having breakfast with him." Another pause, an intake of breath from Ryan and Lindsay watches as his voice lowers and something catches in her throat. "He was always different."
Yeah, one way of putting it, that's alright. Seth had been a bit of a loner and very much a geek, Summer had said with a shrug. Until Ryan came along. Until Ryan kind of saved him from himself. Lindsay swallows.
"We just connected," Ryan says, his head tilted to the side, away from her. "We just... It just fit." Ryan sighs, and it sounds more like amusement and so very akin to something she can't quite word, so she lets it go, lets herself forget it. "I had never met anyone like him."
Yes, she can imagine. She blinks, looking at him, at the way his eyes close slightly, at the crinkling at the corners of them, and she thinks he's not here anymore but there, then, sitting in the den with Seth, controller in hand, and the tip of his tongue darts out to lick the corner of his lips and for a second she can't breathe, she can't see straight.
Lindsay leans forward, her hand moving to his chest, to the shallow of his ribs. She knows how to push all thought of Seth out of Ryan's mind. She smiles down at Ryan and kisses him, pulling his face to her, licking his lower lip with her tongue, the inside of his upper lip, feeling him shudder under her.
She smirks against the kiss, her right hand making its way up, to where his neck meets his shoulder, pushing Seth out of Ryan's mind, pulling Ryan closer, closer. He rolls with her, Lindsay lying on the bed, on her back, Ryan half on top of her, his skin hot where she touches him, her lips wide open, his kisses leaving her breathless. Her left hand finds his hip and pulls, Ryan pausing on the kiss, sighing against her lips, and she relaxes, lets him touch her, kisses him back until all he can think of is her hands, her touch, her body, herself.
Alex lets Seth push her against the fridge, lets him kiss her, tilts her head to the side to give him better access to her neck, and half moans in the back of her throat. Not even half an hour ago, they were in his bedroom even though she was still mad at him about what happened two days ago, for leaving her wanting and naked to go and be the knight in shining armor -- or maybe not shining armor but shining Range Rover -- to Ryan instead of her. Not that she ever wanted shining armor. Someone she could rely one when she wanted/needed someone to rely on, more likely.
She smiles, sighs against Seth's kisses, lets herself be touched and enjoys it, even if she knows she needs at least another half an hour to recuperate from their previous... endeavors, shall we say? She grins, pulling back when she knows he's getting too into it. She needs to nip this one in the butt.
She brings Seth's face to hers, kisses him deeply, making him find religion under her lips, before pulling away. "After dinner," she says with a smirk, with a wink, and he nods rapidly. Excited, expectant, horny, all of the above. She nods, proud of herself. Yes, after dinner. More than enough time.
"I'm gonna--" Seth says, jerking his head over his shoulders, toward the French doors, and didn't he do that last week? For that same reason, didn't she come here for dinner last week too, on her day off?
Her eyes narrow and she remembers Ryan still in the shower and Seth not really caring and Ryan almost changing with Seth in the room and she'd rather be there. "Sure," she says with a small smile. "I'll go with you."
Seth nods, turning around and making his way to the pool house. Alex follows him closely, notices the closed door and thinks about Ryan, maybe taking a shower, maybe--
Seth opens the door without breaking his stride, not pausing, not caring. Alex's close enough to hear a gasp from inside, and see the shifting bodies -- still clothed but so very obviously on the way to not being so -- of Lindsay and Ryan. Ryan, rolling off Lindsay and sitting up at the end of the futon in one fluid motion, Lindsay folding her legs under herself on the bed even as she runs her hands through her hair and tries to pull her blouse together at the same time.
Alex smirks, seeing the flush on Ryan's face, the way he crosses one leg over the other, Lindsay’s swollen lips, and she turns around to look at Seth. Seth doesn't look taken aback, at all, like he's-- Has Seth walked in on Ryan and Lindsay making out (maybe wanting to do something else but Seth does have impeccable timing) before? Has Seth walked in on Ryan and Marissa before that? My God, Alex thinks with a snort. Does Seth have any idea what PRIVACY means?
"Seth," Ryan says, his tone low, almost like a warning, elongating the word, giving it three syllables instead of one.
Seth bounces on his feet, gives Lindsay a quick smile then turns around to look at Ryan once again. Alex snorts. No sense of privacy at all, and why doesn't this surprise her?
"We're ordering," Seth says with a shrug and Alex can only shake her head, because, yeah, he has no idea what the fucking word even means. She's going to have to buy him a dictionary. "I'm thinking Thai. Or you want something else?"
The thought that Seth's asking Ryan and never even thought to ask her what she wants runs through her mind but she pushes it away, buries it with the thousand other things she doesn't want to think about. Like how Jodie still hates her a little bit about the way she broke up with her over the phone, and how Alex had to tell Jodie that she's seeing someone new now, to get her to back the fuck off.
Alex blinks and watches Ryan look at Seth, his eyes looking straight at Seth, before narrowing a bit. Softening, she thinks, but pushes that thought away as well. Ryan snorts, shakes his head once and stands up; "Thai is fine," he says as he does so.
Alex sighs, watching Seth nod out of the corner of his eyes, Ryan smiling at Seth. Alex turns away, away, and looks at Lindsay watching them as well, her eyes narrowed, knowledge behind those blue eyes glaring at the two boys. Alex nods. I get you, she thinks, wants to say when she gets her alone. I so fucking get you. They should fucking get married and be done with it, don't ya think?
Lindsay turns around, looking away from the boys and right at Alex. And Alex nods, slowly, knowingly, accepting the secret they both know, that they both lie to themselves about. Lindsay sighs and Alex gives her a small smile, and she wants nothing more than to get Lindsay alone in her apartment and get her drunk so she can confess to her, to the one that can understand, that they are dating boys already taken.
Lindsay swallows, and Alex nods again, slower this time, and Lindsay nods back at her.
"I'm ordering you pad thai," Seth says with a grin, and Ryan nods.
"Don't forget the tom young soup," Ryan's voice is low, a shrug on his shoulders. And Alex gets the feeling it's for Seth to eat.
Her eyes narrow and she's about to say something that shouldn't come from her lips when Seth turns around and asks her what she wants. She snorts. Fucking time you fucking remember--
She shrugs. "Dumplings," she says, and Lindsay nods, and asks for some Vietnamese rolls, please.
Seth agrees, says they are going to end up ordering the Cohen special, which is pretty much everything on the menu times two, and Ryan chuckles and shakes his head, and mentions that there is no army here, just four kids.
Alex doesn't get the joke, and when she glances at Lindsay, the way Lindsay's eyes narrow, she knows neither does Lindsay. But then again, that's nothing new.
Lindsay chuckles against his neck, shivers when Ryan touches her hips, his fingers moving slowly under the rim of her jeans. She pulls away, enough to look at him, and his blue eyes have darkened with desire and she feels something proud inside of her, because she did this, she made Ryan forget all about Seth and his interruption for dinner and every bit of half sentence Ryan uttered and Seth completed. She brings his face down to hers, kisses him, feels him hard through his jean and against her leg. But it's late and she has to get home sometime tonight, and Sandy and Kirsten should be arriving soon and she really doesn't want either of them walking in on this.
She pulls away once again, and this time Ryan nods, sitting up on the futon, running one hand through his hair. She glances at the crotch of his jeans, at the bulge she can see, and she can't stop the proud grin from taking over her lips.
"I gotta--"
Ryan nods, silently, looking away from her. Looking away because she makes him hot, she makes him lose his control, and god, she likes that. She loves that.
"I was thinking," he says, and she turns around to look at him even as she starts buttoning up her blouse. He shrugs. "I thought we could go out. With Seth and Alex." He shrugs again. "To the movies."
She thinks about it for a moment, glancing to the door of the pool house. Seth's in the house, probably in his bedroom, after Alex left for the club because there was something wrong with something Lindsay didn't quite get. Ryan hadn't wanted to leave Seth alone, but Seth had insisted, said he was just going to be in his room.
"Sure," she says with a smile, a quick kiss to his lips. "Tell Seth to ask Alex. This weekend, maybe."
Ryan smiles, nodding as he does so, and when they've both composed themselves, he opens the door for her. She walks past the pool and into the kitchen, and Seth's sitting in the den, on the floor, controller in hand, looking over his right shoulder at them -- at Ryan. She glances between the two, Ryan's hand still on the doorknob of the French doors, Seth with a small smile on his lips, legs Indian style, controller in hand. They look at one another and Lindsay ceases to exist in that moment, it's just the two of them and she can't help but close her eyes and count to ten in her mind.
When she opens them, Seth's still smiling, and Ryan still has his hand on the doorknob and as much as she'd like to know what this all means, she keeps her questions to herself, because truth is, she really doesn't want to know.
"Hey," Seth says, his voice low.
"Hey," Ryan answers back, and in that second, it all seems to come together and fit, and she recognizes this moment as the memory Ryan shared with her. And now she's watching it.
Ryan blinks and turns to look at her, straight at her, like she appeared out of thin air and he's wondering who she is and what she's doing here, in between him and Seth. Her eyes narrow and Ryan gives her a small smile, barely the curl of the corner of his lips and it's not enough, and the smile isn’t reflected in his eyes, but she doesn't let herself think about that.
"Let me walk to you to--"
She nods, making her way around the kitchen island. "Bye, Seth," she says over her shoulder and Seth answers with a quiet, "Oh, bye," before she's reached the threshold of the kitchen.
She hears Ryan's voice, her back still to him. "Start the--"
"Yeah, yeah. Actually, that should be you. You're the brawn in this relationship."
"And you're what, the brains?"
"I'm certainly not the boobs."
"And now look who's the bitch."
Seth snorts. "Hurry. I'm gonna kick your--"
"In your dreams. Last time--"
"Last time was nothing but sheer good luck, Mr. Atwood. I'll show you the Cohen--"
"How Cohens’ bite the dust? Yes, I'm sure--"
"Whatever. Just go. Hurry back."
She closes her eyes briefly, bites her lower lip and doesn't move until Ryan's hand finds its way to the small of her back, walking her out of the house and to her car.
Alex looks at her reflection in the mirror, picking up the dark gray eye shadow and applying a bit more, making her eyes stand out. She nods at her reflection and runs the lipstick over her lips one last time before putting on her silver heart necklace and a couple of her rings. She glances at the clock, almost seven thirty. Seth should be here any--
The honk of a car makes her swear under her breath. She rushes out of the bathroom and into the living room, picking up her black bag and searching for her wallet at the same time. She combs her hair one last time with her fingers before walking out of her apartment just as Seth's reaching the door. He smiles at her and she smiles back, and kisses him when he's close. Her hand moves to his face, pulling him closer, his left hand moving to her lower back. When she pulls away, she asks, "So?"
He smiles back at her. "So?"
She chuckles, nudging him with her shoulder, and he takes a step back, down the steps leading to her front door. Her bag in her hands, she walks out her house, locking the door behind her. She can see the Range Rover parked on the street. From this angle, she can't see who's in the front seat, but she assumes Ryan's driving.
Seth starts telling her about this paper he has due for Monday, and for a second her mind runs with all the differences they have, how she has to worry about work and paying the rent, and all he has to worry about is handing in papers in time.
"God, I hate that subject," Seth says with a shake of his head, talking about Chemistry, which, she remembers, he hates. "Science has never been my thing," he says as he opens the back door.
She nods, jumping in, and scooting to the left side, behind the driver. Ryan turns around and nods at her from the driver’s seat. "Hey, Alex."
She nods back. "Hey." She turns to look at Seth, still holding the back door open for her, and she expects him to get inside with her. That's her first mistake, she thinks a second later, when Seth closes the door. She blinks, her mouth opening to ask something, when the passenger door opens and Seth gets inside.
Seth gets in, sitting in the passenger seat, next to Ryan. Next to Ryan, when anyone in their right mind would have chosen to sit next to their girlfriend.
Seth turns around, looking over his left shoulder at her, big smile on his face. "We're gonna pick up Lindsay now."
Ryan starts the car, not saying anything. She glances away from Seth, lifting her eyes to the rearview mirror. For a moment she meets Ryan's eyes there, blue meeting blue, and her own narrow. Ryan's eyes hold hers, a second, barely even a breath, and she almost imagines he's telling her something with his glance.
See? Do you see this? You know. You see this and you know.
She swallows thickly and when she blinks, Ryan's looking to his left, at the left mirror before pulling into the street, and the moment has passed, and she knows he didn't tell her anything with his eyes. Or maybe she only saw what she wants to see, the irony and sarcasm in there when she really feels that inside herself.
She folds her arms over her chest, her bag on her right, and looks out the window. The movie better be fucking worth it.
Lindsay looks at her reflection in her vanity mirror, running her index finger over her lower eyelid, fixing the small run of her black kohl pencil. She nods at herself, cleans the corner of her left eye. She makes her way to her bed, her bag on top of it, and makes sure she has her lipstick inside, as well as a small pack of Kleenex, just in case.
She hears the doorbell, and she rushes to her closet, taking out her black jacket, the one that makes her look at least two pounds thinner.
"Lindsay!"
"Just a minute, mom!" She yells over her shoulder, making sure she has her wallet in her purse, tissue paper and her lipstick. She closes her small black purse and walks out of her bedroom, making her way slowly down the stairs.
Ryan's standing with his back to her, looking at the small souvenirs her aunt, her mother's sister, keeps sending from her travels as a photographer. As she reaches the final step, he turns around, smiling at her. She can't help but smile back.
He meets her in the middle of the living room, kissing her in greeting, his hand moving to the small of her back.
"Ready?" He asks as they pull away, and she nods.
"Let me just--?"
Ryan nods, Lindsay walking into the kitchen to say her goodbyes to her mom. She tells her that she'll be back around eleven, midnight at the latest, in case they go to dinner after the movie. Her mom gives her an additional twenty, just in case, and she places it in her purse.
Ryan's waiting for her by the door, opening it for her, and she locks it behind them. She can see the Range Rover parked on the street.
"What movie are we going to see?"
Ryan shrugs. "I'm not sure. Haven't decided yet."
She nods, noticing that Seth's sitting in the passenger seat. Seth waves at her and she nods back at him, half frowning. If Seth's there, then--
Ryan holds the door of the backseat open and when she glances inside, Alex's sitting there, giving her a sarcastic smile.
Lindsay turns around to look at Ryan, but Ryan just keeps on looking at her, smile on his lips, like he has no idea he's doing something wrong.
"Hop in," Alex says, saccharine sweet, sarcastic to the core. The grin on her lips feels bittersweet even to Lindsay.
Lindsay sighs and gets inside, Ryan giving a quick kiss to her still lips before closing the door.
"What--?" Lindsay starts, not quite knowing what she can say that won't end up in curses and her making a scene.
Alex snorts, and Lindsay can see the anger in the corners of her eyes, in the way she holds her arms folded on her chest. Alex reminds her of Ryan in that second, then Alex shakes her head and the moment is gone.
"Fucking idiots, the two of them," Alex says under her breath.
Lindsay turns around to see if Seth noticed, but he's more focused on Ryan getting into the car, exchanging a quick look that seems to say more than a thousand words, then a lift of an eyebrow from Ryan, that Lindsay can see in the rearview mirror. Seth must have given Ryan a look or something, because then Ryan chuckles and Lindsay folds her arms over her chest as well.
"Welcome to my nightmare," Alex says with the twist of her lips that isn't quite a smile.
Lindsay snorts.
Seth turns around to look at them over his shoulder, Ryan pulling away from the street. "This is gonna be great," Seth says before turning back around.
Alex chokes on her laughter and Lindsay glances at her. Nightmare. Yeah, pretty much.
There are a couple of movies actually worth watching on IMAX. There's Constantine, and Alex has to accept that she only wants to watch it because, no matter what, Keanu Reeves is hot. And she'd like to see him get a little bit undressed. But Seth refuses to watch it, and the right now seems a little bit implied. Ryan lifts an eyebrow, Alex notices, but says nothing, and neither does she or Lindsay.
"Okay, there's Pride and Prejudice," Lindsay says with a shrug, and Alex glances at her for a moment. Lindsay's eyes seem to say more than her words ever could, and Alex nods, almost hearing what is obviously implied. Safe, for all of us.
Alex has never actually read the book, but isn't it about a woman cheating on a guy? Or the guy doing the cheating? At least someone was doing the cheating, and she really doesn't want to watch her life on the big fucking screen.
"There's the Exorcist. It starts in half an hour," Seth says, and Alex might not know him that well, but it looks like he's almost bouncing on the soles of his feet.
"No."
Alex turns to look at Ryan, really look at him. The way Ryan says it, flat out, like there's no way they should even reconsider it. She's never been one for horror, not really. Jodie was the romantic type and she usually liked to watch something get blown up. But horror, well, she could get behind it.
"But, dude," Seth starts, still bouncing on his feet, and Ryan's face only seems to become harder, his lips pressing into a thin line. Seth doesn't care, just pushes forward. Alex can't help but smirk at that. "This is The Exorcist we're talking about. Perfect and simple and it's William Peter Blatty at his finest, you can't just--"
"He only wrote The Exorcist and Legion and you well know it," Ryan says with a snort and a curl of his thin and very pretty lips -- Alex hadn't noticed until now. And then a pause, and a straight "No," that Ryan says with a hard look, his eyes meeting Seth's without a doubt, not letting go.
Seth smiles. "There's nothing else to see."
Alex glances at the marquee once again, like it has sprouted new titles in the last two minutes. There's "The upside of anger", and she has no idea what the hell that is, and "Robots", and she's pretty sure that's animated and there's no way in hell she's watching anything animated.
"It really is the only thing decent to see," Lindsay says with a small smile, a shrug of her thin and pretty shoulders, and Ryan turns around and glares at her for accessory.
Alex grinds her teeth together and is about to tell Ryan to shove it, because if he wants to get into a fight with Seth then she and Lindsay will watch something they want to see and the boys can just go fuck themselves. Or better yet, each other. But then Ryan sighs and nods and says, "Okay, fine."
Lindsay nods, not the least put out by the ten second glare, and Alex thinks Lindsay's a bigger woman than she is.
"Okay then." Seth's still bouncing on his feet. Alex wants to punch him right then and there. "You go buy the tickets and I'll keep the girls company."
Ryan's eyes narrow, but the look is almost filled with amusement and warmth instead of anger. Alex's hand reaches for Seth's side, pulling him closer, and Seth comes willingly, his arm draping over her shoulder. It does very little to reassure her.
"Really?"
Seth nods. "Yep. You just go and--"
"--buy the tickets," Ryan finishes for Seth. He snorts, shaking his head once. "I should really go into business by myself."
Alex doesn't get the reference, but when she turns to look at Seth, Seth's grinning from ear to ear, something clear in his eyes. Seth nods. "Yeah, well. You aren't."
Ryan smiles, and Alex tightens her hold on Seth's side. He turns around and kisses Lindsay, and when Ryan pulls away to approach the one person line at the register, Lindsay glances back at her. Lindsay's eyes are as dark as Alex thinks her own are.
Ryan has Lindsay's hand in his, fingers intertwined, and she remembers the way he rubs the back of her palm with his thumb, the way it makes her feel, like holding still so she doesn't miss his touch. They walk, with Seth and Alex somewhere behind them, to the concession stand. She's never been very big on eating during the movies, but she can't watch one without at least a large coke.
Ryan glances over their shoulders, and Lindsay turns around to look as well. Seth nods, a quick movement of his head, and Lindsay turns back around with her next breath. She doesn't want to know what they said with just a glance.
Ryan pauses a little bit off to the side from the queue, looking at her with a soft smile on his lips, almost content. She hopes he is.
"You want something?"
"A coke." Lindsay shrugs. "Just that. I don't really do popcorn during the movies. But if you want--" She turns to look at the list of combo deals, thinking that Ryan might want both popcorn and a coke and maybe some chocolate for her, because chocolate--
"No, that's okay." Ryan nods, his eyes darting to the list as well, before looking back at her. "Seth and I always get the large combo."
Lindsay blinks, thinks she probably didn't hear that right. Then she blinks again and looks at Ryan and of course she heard that right, how could she not? She swallows, nods. "Yeah, sure. Get me some M&Ms and a Milky Way as well." Her smile feels tight on her lips, on her face.
Ryan nods, gives her a quick kiss on her still lips, and then turns to look at Seth, who nods, and the two of them take a step closer to the queue, leaving her with Alex. Alex, who has her arms folded across her chest and looks ready to kick someone. Probably Seth. Or Ryan. Or both.
Lindsay smiles at Alex, this time the smile comes easier to her lips, almost relaxed. "What did you--?"
Alex snorts, shakes her head once. "Coke and popcorn, but it doesn't matter." She tilts her head to the side, regarding Ryan and Seth -- their backs to them, talking amicably and lowly, their heads bent, their voices unheard in the loud theater -- with a glare in her eyes. "I hope they fucking choke on their large combo."
The anger in Alex's tone is something she can definitely identify with. Lindsay thinks nodding would be a little bit unlike her. She shrugs, instead. "They are--"
"--weird? Stupid? Fucking morons?" Alex says with a sardonic smile and Lindsay smiles at her, nodding, almost happy.
"Yeah. They kind of are."
Lindsay takes in Alex for the first time that evening. Her blond hair falling straight over her shoulders, the thin straps of her top, the way it doesn't cover her belly button. The slight dangle of her piercing. Her eyes glance at the butterfly tattoo on her right shoulder, then at her short skirt, only falling up to mid thigh. She smiles.
"I like your piercing," Lindsay says with a grin, her eyes shifting to the soft skin around Alex's navel. "It suits you." It's silver, and shaped like a teardrop, but it does seem to be Alex, fit on a single pendant.
Alex smiles, the smile reaching her eyes, lighting up her whole face. "Thanks."
Alex nods and they turn to look at the boys as they ask for their orders, their shoulders almost touching. Lindsay feels a nudge on her side, almost at her elbow, and she turns around to watch Alex pull her to the side, away from the concession stand and toward the posters.
"I want to watch that movie," she says, jerking her head at the Constantine poster.
Lindsay can only sigh, and if it feels almost as silly as it sounds leaving her lips, Alex doesn't do anything but lift one eyebrow and nod.
"Yes, the man is hot on a stick."
Lindsay chuckles. "I wouldn't have put it that way, no. But he is very--"
"Hot?" Alex says with a shrug, with a smirk. She nods. "I wanna watch it with someone who will drool over the popcorn like I will." She turns around, looks at Lindsay with a raised eyebrow, something in her eyes that reminds her of Ryan. "You in?"
Lindsay blinks, confused. Did Alex just--? They barely exchange ten words whenever they see each other. She glances over Alex's shoulder, her back to the concession stand, and to where Ryan and Seth stand, close together, getting the trays, each one of them with two cokes and popcorn. The tray Seth's carrying has her candy. Then Ryan's tray is his and Seth's. She turns to look back at Alex. She nods. "Sure. I'd love to."
Alex smiles, small and private and for Lindsay alone. Ryan has long ago stopped giving her smiles like that. "Great."
"Hey," Seth says with a smile as he approaches, placing his arm along Alex's shoulders. Lindsay watches Alex's face close off just a little bit, barely even visible unless you're watching the way her eyes darken, the way her lips press close.
Alex nods at Seth, tilting her face, and Seth places a kiss on her cheek. Alex doesn't return it. "Hey," Alex answers back.
Lindsay swallows, smiling at Ryan as he approaches, but doesn't take her hand, his hands filled with the tray. Ryan nods, and smiles back, and they stand there for a second before Seth says it might be a good idea for them to actually go to the theater number 7 and find their seats.
Lindsay walks first, Ryan by his side, and she can hear Seth saying something to Alex that she can't quite catch, at least not the meaning behind the words.
She glances at the one third full theater and sees more than enough seats at the front. She and Ryan always sit around row five. She points toward the front. "Look, over there--"
Ryan shakes his head, Seth and Alex already making their way down the last row of the theater. Alex sits first, and then Seth hands the tray to her, Lindsay realizes. Alex takes it, Seth pulling his seat down now that he has his hands free. Ryan follows them, Seth to Ryan's right, leaving the seat on his left for Lindsay. She frowns, but takes the seat, and notices the way Seth pulls the seat down for Ryan, who has a tray in his hands. Lindsay doesn't say anything. Then again, neither do the boys.
"We always sit down the front," she says with a small smile, confused.
Ryan shrugs. "I don't know. Seth and I always sit up the back."
Lindsay opens her mouth to say something, but shakes her head at the last moment. She watches Ryan hand Seth his coke, then place the bowl of popcorn on his lap, from where Seth takes a handful. She leans forward in her seat, seeing Alex on the other side of their small row. Seth hands Lindsay her coke and her candy. She places the coke in the holder in the armrest on her left, leaving the one on her right up, in case she wants to curl up to Ryan's side. But she doesn't think that's going to happen, horror movie or not.
She leans forward once again, meeting Alex's eyes, the boys talking quietly and closely, and she wishes she could have sat with Alex.
Coke and popcorn in hand, Alex tells herself she's making too much of a big deal out of nothing. Seth's weird, that’s who he is, and being close to Ryan is part of his... well, charm is not exactly it. More like personality. She takes a sip from her coke and eats a handful of popcorn as the trailers of other movies start.
She leans to her left, closer to Seth, and whispers. "Have you ever read the book, or seen the previous movie? The one that was premiered like twenty years ago? I only saw a little bit of it. Snatches, really, and I don't think--"
"Alex, hmm." Seth shifts on his seat, glancing to his left -- to where Ryan sits -- before turning to look at her once again. "We really shouldn't talk during the movie."
Alex lifts an eyebrow, snorting as she does so. "Why not? We always talk during movies."
"Yeah, but Ryan doesn't like it when I do that."
She closes her eyes for a second, then turns around on her seat, facing the widescreen instead of Seth. She takes a long drink from her coke, and tells herself he can very well go fuck himself on his fucking silence.
The movie starts, and Alex has to agree, that it might not have scared her the first time she saw it -- about four years ago, and what little of it she saw -- but the minute the girl starts going all wonky, the movie seems to develop a life of its own.
When there are weird ass faces on the windows as the camera moves from one room to the other, and she can't help but cringe, she admits that the writer, and maybe even the director, are fucking geniuses.
She glances to her left, to Seth, who has both of his feet planted on the edge of the seat, head tilted to his side -- to his left, to Ryan's side -- face almost hidden on Ryan's shoulder. Ryan has his right arm along Seth's shoulders, holding him close against his chest, hand holding the nape of his neck. Ryan's left hand covers Seth's face, fingers splayed over his ears, and she can see the hand covering the ear tightly, even in the dim light.
Her eyes narrow. Well, there's your knight in shining Range Rover. You should have come with him and not me, you fucking asshole. She snorts, folds her arms on her chest and continues watching the movie.
They walk out of the theater in what Lindsay believes to be uncomfortable silence. Seth's bouncing on his feet, like he has drunk one too many Redbulls, but as far as she knows, he only drank a large coke.
"That's the last time we're watching a horror movie," Ryan says with a snort, with a shake of his head.
Lindsay glances at him, and Seth shakes his head. "No, no, dude. Like. I didn't even--"
And it's then that Lindsay sees the way Ryan presses his lips together, nothing but blue eyes meeting dark brown and Seth sighs, nods and lets it go. Just that. Just a look and some kind of agreement has been reached without another word.
Lindsay swallows past the painful tightness in her throat. She glances at Alex, but she's looking over her shoulder at the theater, like she's seeing something and not at the same time. Like Regan in the movie. Lindsay's reminded of the scene where Regan makes her way down the stairs on her hands, her back taut as a bowstring, and she shudders. She thinks she might have to sleep with the light on tonight, the movie was really awful.
She glances back at Ryan, who is nudging Seth with his elbow, and Seth chuckles in response. The tightness in the back on her throat.
"We should go. It's late."
Ryan turns to look at her, away from Seth's face for a second, and nods. "Sure."
She nods once again, folds her arms on her chest, her fingers not quite digging into her skin.
When Seth drops Alex off at her door, he leans forward and places a kiss on her lips. She doesn't kiss him back. She remembers watching Ryan walk Lindsay to her door from the back seat, Seth sitting in the passenger seat. Not even on the way back did the two morons have the bright idea to maybe sit with their respective girlfriends?
Seth pulls away, and his face creases in a frown and for a second, she dares him to tell her something, so she can start the fight she's been dying to have. She doesn't care if it's at her front door, with Ryan waiting in the Rover. But Seth smiles at her a second later, gives her another quick kiss on her still lips, and says, "so, I'll call you tomorrow?"
She snorts, but nods. And fuck if she isn't a glutton for punishment, huh?
"Yeah, sure." Whatever. I hope you fucking enjoy--
"Okay." Another quick kiss, and Seth still doesn't realize that she isn't fucking kissing him back, or he just doesn't care anymore.
They say their goodbyes, and she locks the door after herself upon entering her apartment. She drops her keys on the coffee table and sheds her clothes as she makes her way to her bedroom. By the time she pulls the covers down, she's fucking tired to the fucking bone and in nothing but her panties. She sheds those as well. She pulls the sheet over her body, thinks for a second that she should, at least, call the club to make sure everything's running smoothly and it hasn't burned down to the ground. But going out with Seth -- and Ryan -- is so fucking tiresome, that she can't think beyond her bed, her sheets, and maybe breaking up with Seth in the foreseeable future.
She falls asleep before she decides whether tomorrow or the day after that works best for her.
Lindsay turns off the engine of her car, glancing at the Cohens house. She sighs, pulling her hair back where it had fallen over her shoulders while she drove. She walks off the car, making her way up to the front door. She's about to knock when the door opens, Sandy standing there, in Bermuda shorts and a t-shirt, a smile on his face.
"I thought I heard a car," he says with a smile, and she can see Seth's smile on his lips, and she smiles back. "Come on in," he says, taking a step back.
She nods, walking inside. "I was just--"
"Looking for Ryan, yeah." Sandy says, walking through the living room, a surfboard leaning against one of the walls, and into the kitchen, where a pot of coffee is dripping on the machine. He grabs a set of keys from the small ceramic bowl on the corner of the counter. "I'm gonna hit the waves for a couple of hours." He says before patting her shoulder as he makes his way around the kitchen. "Tell the boys I'm taking the car."
Lindsay nods. "Yes, of course. Sandy--"
"Oh, and the boys are in the pool house," Sandy says over his shoulder, and when she tries to ask him, "the boys?", he's already out of her line of sight, and two seconds later she can hear the front door opening and closing.
She sighs, eyeing the coffee pot that will be ready in a few minutes, the mug on the sink, meaning Sandy has been up for a while and finished at least more than one cup. There are bagels in a bag, and she's certain they are still warm, either for Ryan or Seth, or for Kirsten, or for all three of them. And the thoughtfulness of it makes Lindsay's heart still and then start beating once again.
Her house, she and her mother, had always danced to their own beat. Almost like dancing around each other, not with each other, and she had never know she resented that to a point until now.
She blinks that thought away, the smell of bagels still in her nose as she pushes past the French doors and into the backyard. There's the barbeque and the lounge chairs to her right, the pool and the breathtaking view of the ocean to her left. She stands there for a second, just taking in the smell and the sight and the place and how this is her family now, and how she wishes she could have met them all years ago.
If she had, she would have never dated Ryan. She snorts at that, walking the five steps up to the pool house, pausing before the closed door and pulled curtains for a second. Then again, maybe that wouldn't have been such a bad idea, for all their sakes.
She knocks on the door once, but the sound is hollow in the early morning, and she doesn't get an answer. She can't see anything because of the pulled curtains, but it's not like she hasn't seen Ryan without many clothes on before. And it's not like Seth ever had any qualms about walking in when she was with Ryan. And she is his girlfriend, at least, for now.
She turns the knob and pushes the door open, taking one step forward, feet on the wooden floor of the pool house, and she pauses, her breath in her throat, in her mouth, dying in a soft gasp.
Ryan's lying on the bed, on his back, eyes closed. And Seth's lying on Ryan's left side, curled around Ryan's body, arm draped over Ryan's chest, hand holding on the side of his sternum. Seth's left leg is thrown over Ryan's, visible under the thin white sheet that pools on around Seth's back and clutched in Seth's left hand, as well as Ryan's t-shirt. Seth's face is hidden in the crook of Ryan's neck. Ryan's face is turned slightly to his side, chin touching Seth's temple, nose and lips almost smelling, almost kissing Seth's hair. Ryan's right arm is holding Seth tightly to his side, protectively, lovingly.
There are a million and one thoughts running through her mind, but she quiets them all with an absentminded flicker. She only stands where she is, hand around the doorknob, only one foot inside the pool house, the light from the high morning sun sliding in through the opened door.
It's that light falling in onto the edge of the bed, probably warming Ryan's right leg and forearm, which wakes him up. Lindsay watches Ryan blink slowly, not quite shifting on the bed, before burrowing his nose in Seth's hair, and this time, she has no doubt that he's breathing in deeply. Ryan's forearm, visible with the sleeveless t-shirt he's wearing, tensing, the muscle standing out, as Ryan tightens his hold on Seth, bringing him closer. Seth seems to hide deeper in Ryan's neck, and Ryan places a kiss on the verge of Seth's forehead and hairline.
Lindsay swallows, her mouth slightly open, laughter bubbling in her throat and out past her lips, low and barely above a whisper, and the sound is nothing close to joyful. "Of course," she says under her breath. "Of course, what else could I possibly expect--?"
"Lin'say?"
She blinks, focusing on the bed and the two boys before her, instead of on the surprise making its way all over her skin. Ryan's eyes are open, blinking out rapidly, trying to push out the sleep from his mind, probably. Ryan's eyes are wide open and looking right at her, even as his arm tightens around Seth, and Seth shifts on the bed, something like a sigh leaving his lips in a whisper.
"Shhh," Ryan says under his breath, turning his head to his left, almost absentmindedly, pacifying Seth, like he does this all the time. Like he's familiar with this situation.
Lindsay can't see Ryan's left arm, buried somewhere underneath Seth. Ryan rubs his eyes with his right fist, before running it through his hair.
"Give me a sec, will you?" Ryan's voice is pitched low, so as not to wake Seth, obviously. Lindsay's eyes narrow, anger burning hot and bright and deep inside her, from her very core all the way up to her fingertips and over her skin.
Ryan shifts to his left and Seth only slides closer, burrowing his face in Ryan's chest, hands holding tightly to Ryan's shirt. Ryan smiles, the corner of his lip curling upward, a small and indulgent smile, a smile that speaks loud and clear of affection and love. It's in the next shift that Lindsay realizes that Ryan's left arm had been around Seth's back, almost resting on his hip as the hand moves under the thin sheet that slides down to pool around Seth's waist now.
With his right hand, Ryan pushes back a curl behind one ear, smile still present on his lips. Lindsay can feel bile rise in her throat, her right hand curling into a fist, her left hand still holding the doorknob tightly between numb fingers.
Ryan's right hand falls on Seth's left hand, gripping Ryan's side tightly. Ryan's fingers rub invisible patterns in the back of the palm and Seth's hand relaxes, fingers going slack. Ryan smiles as he lifts the hand, their fingers not quite intertwining as he does so, and placing it in between them, on the bed.
A sound leaves Seth's lips as Ryan slides his arm from underneath Seth in the same motion, as slow and stealthy as possible, a sound that's almost a whimper of loss. Ryan smiles, leaning forward and pressing a small kiss to Seth's temple.
"Shhh, shh. It's okay. I've got you. Sleep," Ryan says, lips against Seth's skin, smile visible from where Lindsay stands frozen by the door.
Another shift, and Ryan can slide his arm from under Seth, pulling it away and slowly, so very slowly, Lindsay's breath catches in her throat, sliding to the edge of the bed. Ryan pulls the covers over Seth, around his shoulders, and Seth burrows his face in Ryan's pillow instead of Ryan's chest this time around.
Ryan stands up, jerking his head toward the back yard, the kitchen, and Lindsay stands there for another moment, her gaze shifting from Ryan to Seth -- on Ryan's bed, sleeping peacefully, probably overnight, right hand under his head, left hand gripping the edge of the pillow as he had been gripping Ryan's side not even a minute ago.
She lifts her eyes to look at Ryan once again, who looks back at her with calm blue eyes that don't show anything, and she's at a loss as to what she should be more pissed at. The fact that she can't read Ryan, maybe never could, that Seth can read Ryan like an open book, or that what little she can guess from Ryan's clear blue eyes is that there's nothing to be sorry about letting your not quite brother sleep in your bed and then your not for long girlfriend walk in on that.
She sighs and turns on her heel, making her way past the barbeque and down the five steps to the kitchen. She walks inside, looking over her shoulder at Ryan, as she stands by the stools.
Ryan walks in, scrubbing his face with one hand, before making his way directly to the pot of coffee that has finished dripping. He reaches blindly for a mug in the first upper cabinet, pulling out a black mug.
"Want coffee?" He asks, not turning around to look at her, and Lindsay's fingers grip the edge of the kitchen island tightly. "There are bagels. There's cream cheese in the--"
"I'm fine. No."
Ryan nods, his back still to her, and Lindsay opens her mouth wide and feels a scream on her throat, wanting to be let out, and yet her mouth falls closed with anger and frustration. Ryan walks around the kitchen island, black mug in his hand. He opens one of the fridge doors and pulls out a pot of cream cheese, turning around, closing the fridge with the heel of his bare foot. He places the mug on the corner of the counter, reaching for the bag of bagels and pulling one out. He cuts it with a contraption which sole purpose is that, and then picks up one of the knives and starts buttering cream cheese.
Lindsay just stands there, aghast, in shock, wanting to yell at him and being unable to do so.
"What was Seth doing in your room?"
At last!, she can't help but think. Finally, you idiot, open your mouth and say something. You should have started screaming your head off the moment you saw them!
Ryan shrugs, normal and casual and all of those things he shouldn't be, and Lindsay can feel her outrage turning into downright rage because that was Seth in Ryan's bedroom, in Ryan's bed and Lindsay has never spent the night there so why should Seth and oh my God, her brain screams, wasn't it so foolishly stupid of her to be jealous of Marissa for even a second when she should have been watching for Seth putting the moves on her boyfriend, goddamnit.
Ryan takes a long swallow of his coffee before taking a bite of his bagel. "Seth got scared because of the movie," he says with a small smile on his face that's not quite hidden by the mug almost touching his lips. "Stupid, really." He takes another drink of his coffee. "I knew he'd get scared. Seth knew he'd get scared. He gets scared after horror movies, ends up sleeping with me. But he wanted to see it." He chuckles, more than just amusement audible in the sound, but words by sounds and looks is a language Lindsay was never able to master. "Seth says large exposure should breed resilience, but I don't see that plan working."
"He ends up sleeping with you?" She asks, but what she really wants to ask is, Seth's done this before? You've done this before and I never knew?
Ryan nods, calmly and before taking a bite of his bagel. "Yeah," he says. "Seth and I watch a horror movie that I never want to watch--"
But Seth presses on and you're always weak when it comes down to something he wants, he asks of you.
"-- but we end up watching it and then Seth gets scared of his own shadow in his bedroom." Ryan shrugs. "We saw The Ring on DVD last year and Seth was certain that girl was going to end up crawling out of one of his walls. He ended up calling me on my cell to come get him from his room. He couldn't even face putting one foot on the floor, let alone walking down the dark hallway," Ryan says with a lift of his eyebrows, amusement in his voice. "This time, it'd have been stupid to pretend he was going to get scared. I just went with him to his room for his pajamas and then went to the pool house." He shrugs. "He always ends up scared of his own shadow. It's not like I can leave him alone."
No, no, Lindsay thinks. Of course not. He needed you. And everything he needs, he must have.
She swallows; watching Ryan take another drink of his coffee, finish his bagel. Smile at her and not say anything with his eyes, with his smile, except that it's almost expected that she should come and see him and not ask anything about his behavior with and toward Seth. She can't ask that which she isn't allowed to question. And she might have been toying with the idea of breaking up with him, but she can't lie to herself any longer.
Because it had never been about her. It had never been about her at all. It had always been about Ryan. About Seth. About Ryan and Seth. Ryan and Seth. Three words meaning more than Lindsay had understood at the time. More than she might ever understand, even if she could know them for a thousand years. Because many people will love Seth, but none so pure and deep as Ryan.
"I think we should break up," she says, and for once watches his face contort into something that's not influenced by Seth at all, and she is proud of that.
Twenty minutes later, after she has told Ryan that the separation is final and that there is nothing he can say that will make her change her mind, after she has told him that it has nothing to do with something he has done that he can fix -- close to changing his very genetic code, but she doesn't say that -- but that it's just not working, and she's very sorry for that, Lindsay walks out of the Cohen house.
She gets into her car, takes out her cell phone and dials a number she didn't have until last night, when they went to the bathroom right after the movie.
It's almost eight thirty in the morning, and the phone is picked up after two rings.
"Hello?"
Lindsay smiles at the voice she recognizes. "Hey. I just thought you should know. I just broke up with Ryan."
And she proceeds to tell Alex about what she saw when she walked into the pool house.
Alex places the phone back on the cradle and sighs. She throws her arm over her face to cover her eyes, still lying on the bed. She had been fast asleep when Lindsay called her. She had sat up at the mention of Ryan, and Seth, and bed, and cuddled, all in the same sentence. And she had lain back down once again when Lindsay got into the specifics of her breakup.
It shouldn't surprise her, she knows. Though she's not sure if she means Lindsay breaking up with Ryan, or Seth crawling into Ryan's bed in the middle of the night. She gnaws on the inside of her cheek for a moment before pushing back the covers and looking for the jeans she wore yesterday afternoon, when she was still at the club. She's sure she left a pack of cigarettes there. She actually finds the pack on her kitchen counter and makes her way back to bed.
She's finds a Bic lighter in one of her nightstand drawers and lights a cigarette, taking a long drag from it. She breathes out the smoke.
Well, it wasn't like she thought she could fix the relationship. You can't really fix something that's not broken, just not there. And you can't fix something when there's something there, either.
It's just been one too many times. One too many. One too many that she can count and pass off as brotherly love. And she's fucking tired of lying to herself every other day, every other phone call to ask what Ryan wants for dinner, or if Seth emailed a classmate about a paper due the following day. She's fucking tired, and she believes denial isn’t really worth shit.
Let Seth do the denial, not her.
She sighs, takes another long drag of her cigarette and picks up the phone. She dials a number she knows almost by heart and is not surprised when Ryan picks up.
"Hello?"
Ryan sounds normal and calm, not at all surprised -- let alone heartbroken -- about his own breakup.
"Is Seth around?"
There's a pause on the other end of the line, and then she can hear shifting -- sheets being moved; a bed? what the fuck? -- and whispers -- hey, hey, Seth? Seth? Come on, you start flapping around on the bed like a fish out of water and I swear to God -- and then Seth finally on the phone. If Alex can picture Ryan on the pool house bed and Seth curled around him, deeply asleep, it's because Lindsay has a thing for over detailed explanations.
"--Uh?"
Seth, more half asleep than half awake, and Alex can almost smile at the sound. It's a nice sound, and though she's fucking pissed off at Seth for not really cheating on her, the sound doesn't resemble fingernails against a blackboard. Uh huh, who would have thought? Alex would have bet she'd be way bitter and at least ten times bitchier than she feels at the moment.
Oh, she'd still nurture him if she could, but she has to accept that a tiger can never really change its stripes.
"Seth. I'm breaking up with you."
Lindsay doesn't have any classes with Ryan on Monday, but she has AP English and Literature, and Seth's taking both. She sits at the front, in the second row, and Seth has taken a seat about two or three rows behind her. She turns to look at him over her shoulders, notices the way Seth's head is tilted to the side, the way his eyes are fixed on the front but remain unseeing.
She sighs, turning back around, copying down the latest information about Edgar Allan Poe. She thinks fleetingly about Ryan, and Seth, but the thought ends there when she shakes her head and copies down what the professor is saying.
Neither Seth nor Ryan go to the Bait Shop the following week, not that Alex expected them to.
She works and makes sure the guys in the band don't get too drunk to play, because that already happened once last month and that was a bitch to explain. She thinks for a second about how she should have known that she wouldn't lose Seth to the boredom of her life or tiredness of the brand new thing, but to someone who knows Seth better than Alex could ever wish to.
She pulls her hair back in between her hands and picks it up with those chopsticks she bought ages ago in a market close to her old house. She thinks about calling Lindsay, asking her if she knows something of the boys. She doesn't.
Lindsay crosses paths with Ryan in the hallway on Tuesday morning, three hours before their physics class.
She pauses almost at the same time Ryan does, looking at one another, not saying a thing.
God, awkward doesn't even being to describe it. Her hand tightens on the strap of her bag and Ryan looks at her, and they blink at one another, and then she sees Seth making his way toward them, toward Ryan, from around the corner.
She swallows, gives Ryan a tight smile, and makes her way down the hallway. Seth only half glances at her, but doesn't pause, and neither does she.
She turns around the corner, finally, and leans against the wall, her breathing sounding harsh in her ears. She takes in a short breath, lets it out. Takes another one, lets it out once again. She pushes her hair over her shoulder, then stands up straight and walks down the hallway to her AP Chem class, not once looking back.
On Thursday night, Alex is tending the bar, and she catches sight of the girl with the long dark hair -- Summer, Alex is pretty sure her name was -- making her way into the pub with her new boyfriend. Summer, Seth's ex.
Alex snorts, remembering a time not so long ago when she was a little bit -- okay, a lot, but she had every fucking right to be, damn it -- jealous of her.
Alex pours the guy at the bar -- twenty, easy, cute and with amazing green eyes -- the coke he asked for. The guy winks at Alex and she snorts, because she's not going down that road. She could, sure, but right now, she's not in the mood for that. If she wanted a one night stand, there's Mandy, who wouldn't bat an eye at Alex making a pass at her for the night.
Alex watches Summer stand close to her boyfriend -- jockish, kinda cute, if you're into that -- and Alex smiles and nods. Thinks good, good for you. Be with that guy. Seth? Totally thinking about another guy all together.
She smirks, and pours herself a shot of tequila and watches the band as she leaves the bar to find Mandy.
There's AP Physics on Friday as well, and Lindsay and Ryan still sit on opposite sides of the classroom.
She writes everything down and reminds herself she has to go over chapter 15 tomorrow, at the latest, but preferably today.
By the end of the class, as she's packing her bag, she glances over her shoulder at the door. Seth's there, standing under the threshold. Waiting for Ryan.
She glances at Ryan, who hurries out of the class and pushes Seth outside a bit more harshly than necessary. She sighs, doesn't really feel anything bitter or angry in her chest, and thinks about that as she zips her bag.
Alex tends to do her shopping in the early afternoon. Mostly, because she's always up around lunch and has to be in the club before five.
Basket in hand that Friday -- filled with a bottle of vodka, a six pack of beer and boxed hamburgers -- she makes her way to one of the shortest queues in the market. Out of the corner of her eyes, something makes her blink, turn to her left. She sees a blond head and another with dark curls walking down one of the aisles, the one furthest from her.
She pauses for a second, glancing at the queue -- only two people before her -- and then back at the aisle. She sighs, in exasperation, because she didn't use to be this nosy before Seth.
She keeps on cursing under her breath as she quickens her pace, pausing before the corner, the beginning of the aisle. She can feel her heart beating loudly in her chest and this is so fucking stupid of her, but God, she really wants to know if they are, well, dating would be the word. Fucking would be a bit more appropriate.
She smirks, peering around the corner, an old lady giving her the evil eye. Alex glares back at the old broad, before trying to catch Seth's curls. Something that could have been Seth's curls turns around, to the aisle on her left. She grumbles under her breath, peering around the other side of the corner.
She can't see squat because there's a mother with two kids in the cereal aisle and the kids are making so much noise she wonders how the mother doesn't just kill them and be done with it.
And then the woman moves across the aisle when both her kids go there, and Alex can see Ryan and Seth standing next to a shopping cart, Seth with two boxes of cereal. Alex can't quite tell, but she thinks Ryan's looking back at Seth with a small -- tender -- smile on his lips, and amusement in his eyes. Seth says something and Ryan chuckles, shakes his head and takes only one box of cereal. Seth, Alex reads by his facial expression, complains, but Ryan only shakes his head.
Alex sighs, turning away, leaning against the corner, hidden away from them. She could stand here and watch them for an hour, and wouldn't see anything new. She knows that means very little. And that's no confirmation of anything. They behave like that on a daily basis. They behaved like that right in front of her.
She snorts to herself, making her way to the closest and shortest queue. It's not like she needs to know. It's not like--
She cuts in front of a girl two years younger than her, just as the girl was arriving at the queue. The kid -- nothing but a kid, Alex wouldn't even let her into the Bait Shop -- glares at her and Alex glares back. The kid snorts at Alex and turns away. She stands in the queue, only one person before her, and the one already at the cashier.
It's not like she has to know, she thinks once again, her mind going round and round. She broke up with Seth because she was tired of that shit, of the same shit over and over again. Of being second to Ryan. They were together for as long as they were -- five months and one week -- mostly because she kept telling herself that Seth was kind and nice and all those things her boyfriends, and girlfriends before, had never been. She kept telling herself coming right after Ryan -- as if being loved by Seth was a race -- was good enough.
Laugher she's familiar with makes her look over her shoulder, and she sees Ryan and Seth walking out of the cereal aisle and into the next, not twenty feet from her, and still not seeing her. Ryan has that ever present smile on his lips, at least when it comes down to Seth. A smile equal parts amusement and endearment.
She turns back, standing with her back to them, as if making a statement, and maybe she is. She snorts, shaking her head, and the woman before her moves forward to the cashier.
And maybe because of resentment, or frustration, or a little bit of both, she digs out her cell phone from her bag and calls the number she saved a little over a week ago. Lindsay answers on the fourth ring.
"Hey," Alex says with a grin she feels real on her lips, for the first time in too long a while, "how about we see Constantine and drool over Keanu like God intended us to?"
For Physics, there are five lab reports to hand in. When Lindsay goes over her academic calendar on Saturday, she remembers that yes, lab report number four has to be handed in the following Friday. Meaning, she has to talk to Ryan. Actually talk with Ryan this time around, not just glance at him across the classroom, pretending they can be civil. She can be civil. She has to. They are her family. Seth's her... nephew? And God, she really doesn't want to give that more than a second's thought or she'll end up more freaked out than she is half the time. And if Seth and Ryan ever actually get their heads out of their collective asses and Seth makes a decent man out of Ryan, then that means Ryan will be her nephew in law or something just as freaky as that.
She shudders, pulling into the driveway of the Cohens late in the afternoon, and walking to the front door.
She could have very easily just called Ryan and arranged a place and time that's not the Cohen house. But this is her family damn it, and if she has to face Ryan, it better be sooner rather than later.
She knocks on the door and it's Kirsten who answers it.
"Lindsay," Kirsten says, before pulling her into a hug. Lindsay smiles against her sister's blonde hair.
"Hey, I just--"
"Come on in."
Lindsay walks inside, following her to the living room. "I just wanted to talk with Ryan, about our physic's paper."
Kirsten nods, her whole complexion changing, into understanding and comfort. Ryan told her. "Yeah. He told me about you two--"
Lindsay ducks her head, not knowing if she should be grateful or not. It has been almost a week since she talked with Kirsten last, and she kept telling herself it had nothing to do with the breakup. And maybe it did. A little bit. She's still not sure.
"Yeah," she says with a shrug. "It just--"
It wasn't meant to be, she thinks, the words losing bitterness as they go through her mind. The only thing she ever wanted, that consciously couldn't have, was a father. And now, well, she has a family.
She chuckles. "It's okay. We're still friends. We're... fine." And they are. From her part, they are.
Kirsten nods, happy and relieved. "I'm glad. I didn't want you, or him, to," she shrugs, trailing off, and Lindsay nods. She knows. "He's upstairs, in Seth's bedroom, if you want to--"
"Yeah, sure."
"I'll be in the kitchen when you're finished. I'd love to catch up with you."
Lindsay smiles, at moments like this still surprised that she gets to call Kirsten her sister. "Sure. I'd love to."
Kirsten touches her shoulder briefly before letting go, and turning back to the kitchen. Lindsay takes in a short breath and makes her way up the stairs. She knows Seth's bedroom is the second door on the right. Ryan took her there for a minute one afternoon, when he forgot his HP calculator on Seth's nightstand. What Ryan was doing in Seth's bedroom with the calculator, she hadn't wanted to ask.
She pauses outside the door and thinks about knocking on it, only the door is wide open. She sighs, taking a step inside. There's the closet half open to her right and as she comes to the end of the wall on her left, she cranes her neck to the left, and pauses in her step.
She snorts in the back of her throat. Really, when it comes to these two, she really needs to learn how to knock.
Ryan's lying on the bed, half leaning against the pillow behind his head, against the backboard. He has a book in his hands, and for some weird reason, she hopes it's not Physics. Seth's sitting cross-legged, his knee almost touching Ryan's thigh, a small smile on Seth's lips.
Lindsay shakes her head once, wanting to take a step back and actually knock on the stupid door, and then Seth reaches out, the back of his hand touching Ryan's jaw, up to his cheek. A caress, soft and short and sweet, and Lindsay closes her eyes at the sight, not quite seeing Ryan leaning into the touch, and takes a step back. She steps back until she's standing outside in the hallway, her breathing harsh and loud in her ears.
Really, she tells herself, when are you going to learn?
She chuckles, soft in her throat, and knocks on the wide open door.
"Mom, what are you--?"
"It's me, Seth," Lindsay calls out, leaning against the wall, her right hand slowly unclenching. Wow, she hadn't even noticed. "I need to talk with--"
"Lindsay," Ryan says, walking out of Seth's bedroom, a small frown in between his eyebrows. "What are you--?"
"The next lab report has to be given this week," she says, shrugging as she does so. She's looking right at Ryan, at the way he's standing, at the way his eyes look back at her. She glances at his neck, at the skin she can see with his long sleeve sweater and she doesn't even know what she's looking for. Marks of some kind? God, is she looking for bitemarks? She's insane, that's what she is. "I thought we could--?"
Ryan nods. "Yeah, yeah, sure. Hmm. Has to be handed in on Friday, right?" Lindsay nods and Ryan continues, "yeah, sure. Tomorrow, you think? In the afternoon?"
"I can't. I promised my mom--"
"Oh, okay. Tuesday, then?"
"What about Monday?"
Ryan ducks his head, the color of his skin on his cheeks darkening and Lindsay can't help but smile as she realizes he's actually blushing right here, before her. "I can't. I told Seth we'd--"
"Oh, it's okay," she says with a smile she can't believe is on her lips. She thought she was bitter. Apparently, not so much, no. "I totally--"
"He just really wants to watch Constantine and we have dinner on Sundays, mandatory. Kirsten's always saying how she doesn't see enough of us--"
"Oh, it's okay. Don't worry." She smiles, nodding. And Ryan looks so, God, just so. His cheeks are still a little bit pink and when he looks up, his blue eyes are clear and so perfectly blue and he looks happy, and Lindsay knows she cares for him enough to want that for him, and this is it. This is Ryan, happy, and Lindsay's glad she's enough of a woman to be happy for Ryan, even if that means Ryan being with Seth. "It's okay. I get it. I don't mind."
She catches Ryan's eyes, and Ryan's jaw tightens for a second, but then relaxes, and she wants to tell him that she really does get it, doesn't mind but--
"Tuesday?"
Lindsay sighs. "No, I'm meeting Alex, actually."
Ryan frowns. "Alex?"
"Yeah," Lindsay says with a smile, because it feels like it's been forever since she had a true female friend she could dish with. "Alex, as in Alex--"
"Alex Kelly?"
She has to say, she really likes that confused look on Ryan's face. "Yeah. She's really cool once you get to know her."
And she gets me, she thinks, but doesn't say so. She gets me and she knows about you two and she's funny. And she's someone I can talk to.
"Oh," Ryan says, more of that cute confused look on his face that makes Lindsay grin. "Oh, I'm glad."
"Yeah. So, Wednesday?"
Ryan's face smoothes after a second, and he nods. "Yeah, sure. Wednes--"
"Wednesday what?"
Lindsay watches Ryan's face shift into something he never saw directed at her, soft and tender and other words that mean more in looks than in words. Ryan turns to look at Seth over his shoulder, and Lindsay looks at Seth, looking back at Ryan the same way and yes, this right here, this fits as well.
And it was so stupid of them, she notices in that second, because she laughs out loud and with her whole face and talks too much and she must be almost everything Seth is, and yet not quite so. And Alex is a bit quieter and so independent and she is kind of everything Ryan is and yet not really, and of course Ryan and Seth had to fall for them because they were looking for the female equivalents of that.
Lindsay shakes her head once, and Ryan and Seth exchange one look and a million words and she nods and smiles and thinks, you can know a thing and never really know what you're going to think of it until you see it. Because right now, she's no longer bitter, but pleased and a bit happy for them, very much happy for them.
Seth looks at her, and meets Lindsay's eyes, and smiles at her. "Hey. I take it mom opened the door?"
Lindsay smiles. "Yeah, she said you'd be here, so I thought," she shrugs.
Seth's grinning, like he knows, like he knows she knows and doesn't mind, and might even be a bit grateful. Nothing to be grateful for, not really. "Wanna stay for dinner?"
The question takes her by surprise, but she's smiling, and she's nodding before she knows she is. "Yeah, I'd love to."
Ryan turns to look at her and nods, and smiles. "Great."
"Yeah," she says, and turns to walk down to the stairs, and knows Ryan and Seth are following, and wonders if they are holding hands.
She wants to look over her shoulder, but she doesn't, hoping sometime soon they feel comfortable enough to trust her with that. She does glance as she walks into the kitchen, and they are just walking together, one closer to the other, shoulders almost touching but not quite so, and that's them, and she recognizes that in them.
Seth tells Kirsten that Lindsay's staying for dinner, and Kirsten's happy, and Seth asks what's for dinner, meaning, what will Kirsten call for. Ryan asks about Sandy, and Kirsten says that he'll be arriving soon. Lindsay watches them move around each other, Ryan and Seth doing that dance they do with one another, like they know where the other stands, and Lindsay thinks about calling Alex and letting her know that she didn't imagine that in the store, that they are together, and she knows Alex might not be happy for them right now, but she will be. It's easy, when it's like that, so obvious, so them. Because their emotional commitment to one another is so much a fact of life, they can't lie to one another.
Lindsay nods at a question, laughs at what Seth says, and watches Ryan smile with indulgence and love in his face, and smiles, and knows Alex will be happy for them. Lindsay will go to one of the concerts Alex loves so much, and they'll watch Constantine, and they'll be fine.
She watches them, and thinks she never did quite get them. She might never, but she doesn't need to. Not to see this, and be here, and smile at them, and be a family with them, and be fine with that as well.
Finished: April, 11th, 2007. 10.29pm
Final Word Count: 39'500 words