Return to form
by M. F. LuderPart two
The ride is quiet except for Sandy's harsh breathing in the driver's seat. Tilting his head to the left, Ryan can see Kirsten leaning against the window, eyes closed. He sits on the backseat of the Range Rover, hands tapping on its edge. His fingers itch for a smoke.
He runs a shaky hand through his hair, trying not to think about it. Trying to remember Seth, to see him in his mind's eye, smiling and grinning, standing in the catamaran, rope in his hand. He tries to remember, but somehow, he can't. He can only imagine Seth, laying face down on the water.
Ryan shudders, his eyes opening wide, his wrists suddenly hurting. The boat can't have been turned over. It can't.
Ryan bites down his lower lip and starts popping his knuckles.
He knows Seth. He knows Seth better than anyone and Seth was always about safety. Ryan never came close to taking control of the boat for that exact reason. Seth wouldn't let him touch so much as a rope until Ryan knew how it worked, how to get things to obey him and keep course.
Seth was all about the National Weather Services, he was always keeping tabs on the forecast.
"If you don't know where you're heading into, better not go."
Ryan's heart clenches. Seth knew his stuff, Seth knew about weather. Why the fuck did he let himself get caught in the rain? Ryan doesn't understand that.
He doesn't tap his hand against his thigh because that makes noise and he wants to be quiet, has to be quiet, as the doctor speaks. Instead, he keeps on softly popping his knuckles, finger after finger, one hand and then the other, long after knuckles have stopped making any sound and started to hurt.
Ryan looks up from the floor, meeting the doctor's gaze for a second -- blue eyes, thin eyebrows, bags under her eyes and no make up on -- before lowering them down again. He's trying to hear, to understand what the woman is saying, the reasons and the consequences.
He doesn't. He can't. He can't hear anything but one word here and there.
broken arm
Ryan grimaces, closing his eyes shut and trying not to jump to conclusions before the sentence is finished.
no concussion
He lets out a soft sigh of relief and as his eyes relax and he opens them, he can see Sandy hugging Kirsten on his right.
scraps and bruises
Ryan nods idly. That he can deal with. That he can take.
sleeping
Good, Ryan thinks, because the moment he wakes up I'm gonna kick his ass. His lips are pressed tight and his wrist begins to hurt once. He’s not sure if it's because of all the popping or an almost uncontrollable desire to punch the wall.
They are being led to Seth's room and Ryan follows the Cohens from behind, not saying anything. Kirsten starts crying the moment she lays eyes on Seth and Sandy only sighs. Ryan doesn't know what to do. He leans back against the wall and stares at Seth.
His right arm is in a cast, his eyes are closed and a patch of his hair has been shaved off on the left corner of his head. There are stitches where hair used to be, skin-colored strips holding them together. Seth's sleeping and had Ryan not caught that part of the doctor's sentence earlier, he knows he would have freaked, worrying about Seth being in a coma and all the little things he learned from watching ER with Seth.
It's not bad. It's not as bad as Ryan had imagined. It's not half as bad as Ryan had feared. That doesn't get you of the hook, Seth.
Kirsten lifts her son's hand to her lips and kisses it. Sandy reaches out and combs Seth's hair. Ryan does neither. He stands and stares and promises himself never to let Seth get out of his sight again. Never.
"Ryan."
Ryan shakes his head, mind a blur.
"Ryan? Sweetie?"
After another shake of his arm, Ryan stirs. He blinks, pinching his nose. Sandy brought another two chairs for Ryan and himself sometime after midnight. He must have dozed off. His head hurts, his neck hurts and when he opens eyes and sees Kirsten standing before him with worry in her eyes, he remembers why he's here.
He shifts his gaze to the bed and Seth is still lying there, eyes closed, stitches sticking out plainly. Ryan closes his eyes.
"Ryan?"
He sighs and looks up at Kirsten. Her blue eyes are bloodshot and her lips tremble as she smiles at him. Her hand reaches out and touches his jaw, his cheek, the side of his face. She swallows with difficulty and it hurts him almost as much as it looks to be hurting her.
"Your neck..." She trails off and he nods. "I didn't want it to hurt."
He nods once again, her hand not leaving his face as her thumb caresses his cheek. In an impulse, he places his hand on top of hers and squeezes it. This time her smile doesn't shake and her eyes begin to shine. She swallows once again, placing a kiss on his forehead before letting go of his cheek and standing straight. She smiles at him one last time before turning around and taking her seat by Seth's bed.
Sandy's standing by the window, arms folded, eyes staring at his son. Ryan notices Sandy seems to be holding on by sheer will.
Ryan sighs, hand going to the back of his neck to rub the strained muscle. Falling asleep in the chair was no the smartest thing to do but after staying up... He frowns. Last thing he remembers is it being almost five in the morning. After that, falling asleep seems understandable. His lower back hurts almost as much as his neck and Ryan doesn't know if it's because of the chair or moving formworks yesterday.
His eyes opening wide in shock, Ryan looks down at his watch. Shit. It's a quarter after seven. Crew is expected at seven thirty at the site. There's no way he can make it. Standing up, he grimaces, his back complaining at the sudden movement.
Kirsten looks over her shoulder at him and Ryan jerks his head toward the door. She nods, as does Sandy.
Ryan pauses by the door, giving Seth a glance as his hand tightens around the doorknob, and leaves the room.
He makes his way down the hallway and around the corner, pausing for a minute before he keeps on walking. Reading the EXIT sign at the end of the hall, Ryan heads toward it. He walks out into the emergency staircase and he leans against the wall by the side of the door.
Getting his cell phone out, he dials Theresa's home number with a frown on his face. If she calls Steven and tells him about the emergency, an accident in the family, maybe he won't lose his job.
"Hello?"
Ryan sighs. "Theresa?"
"Ryan, I was worried." Theresa pauses on the other end of the line. "It's late. Or early. It's... is everyone ok? What happened?"
Ryan closes his eyes and tilts his head back. "I told you."
"No, you didn't. You hung up, picked up the car keys, your cell and said "Something happened" and just fucking left! Ryan, you left and didn't say a fucking word!"
Shifting the cell phone to his left hand, he pinched the bridge of his nose with his right one. Hearing her that exasperated, it's a surprise that she didn't call him before. "Seth's fine."
"What do you--? What happened?"
He sighs once again. "He got into an accident. His boat... it tipped over, outside of Catalina."
"What?" She takes a deep breath and he wishes, for a moment, that he hadn't called her. "When did he leave?"
"After I left."
She doesn't say anything. Ryan bites the inside of his cheek. Calling her wasn't a good idea.
"That was a month ago," she says, slowly, as if she's handpicking the words from a sea of them. "Seth left a month ago and you didn't tell me?"
He hadn't known if he should have. He hadn't known how. He hadn't wanted to. Telling Theresa would've meant speaking about it. Speaking about it would've meant saying Seth's name out loud. Saying his name would have been like twisting the knife a little bit deeper. Ryan has been bleeding for thirty-nine days.
She sighs and Ryan can imagine her rubbing a hand over her worn face. He doesn't know what to do.
"How is he?" Theresa asks after a minute. "Is he--?"
"He's fine. He's sleeping. Painkillers."
"Good," she says, a whisper.
"I need you to call Steve." Theresa knows the Engineer in charge of the site, met him once when she went to pick him up. Ryan had given her the guy's number when he started working at the site. "I won't be able to make it to work today. Not even if I leave right now."
Ryan knows he won't leave Seth's bedside, not until he wakes up. Theresa knows that as well. Ryan knows Theresa knows that.
"I'll call him." Ryan nods, idly. "I'll tell him you won't go today." Another nod. "Or tomorrow."
"Theresa--"
"I'm gonna tell him you won't go back."
"What?" He pushes himself off the wall, walking to the banister of the emergency staircase. "What? Theresa, no, Seth should wake up today. I can be there tomorrow, the day after tomorrow at the--"
"You're not going back, Ryan," she says, slowly and almost painfully.
Ryan's hand closes around the iron banister. "There--"
"You didn't tell me about Seth."
"I know. I just--"
"Don't say you forgot because you didn't, I know you didn't. You just didn't want to tell me." She pauses. "It's not the first time. I'm not stupid, you know?"
"I know you're not. Theresa--"
"Well, then stop treating me like I am. You think I don't see you? You think I don't see the way you hate it here, your work, your life?" She lets out a shaky sigh. "You went back there, back home," she almost spits the word and Ryan closes his eyes. "When you came back... you were smiling. You were happy. I've seen you..." She snorts. "You think I don't know? I saw the comics."
He opens his eyes, breathless and ashamed, and he doesn't say anything.
"You can't hide them forever. The comics, the picture of the Cohens, of Seth and you, the Ipod. I'm not stupid, Ryan, so don't fucking treat me I am."
"I'm sorry."
"No, you're not. You're just saying that."
Another pause and Ryan doesn't know what to expect. Hand gripping the phone, he looks down at the floor, at the steps leading to the first floor and he sighs.
"You don't belong here, Ryan. Not anymore."
He can hear tears in her voice.
"You're life is there. With them."
He wants to refute her. He wishes he had the strength, or even the desire.
"With him."
He bites the inside of his cheek.
"Will you at least tell him, how you feel? Will you do that?"
Ryan doesn't say anything.
Theresa snorts. "You owe me that much. You owe yourself that much, Ryan. Fuck."
They stay quiet and Ryan can hear her breathing on the other side of the line. She's not crying. She doesn't need to be. He feels bad enough as it is.
"I'm sorry," he says after a moment. "I'm sorry I couldn't..."
He doesn't know what he's sorry for. He's sorry he couldn't love her. He's sorry he couldn't be the man for her. He's sorry wanting to be there isn't enough.
"It's okay." Her voice is soft, almost comforting. "I knew... I knew this day would come. I'm surprised it didn't happen before." She sighs. "I always knew you weren't mine to keep."
There's nothing to say, so he doesn't. "The baby..."
"I can manage. You know I can." He can almost hear her smile. "You can visit, if you want."
"I know."
"Good." She chuckles and he can almost hear the tears in her laughter. "Go now, okay? Go, I--" The word dies on her lips as her throat closes. "I hope Seth is fine, I really do." She pauses. "Go. Just go."
He nods as he tries to find something to say, even though he knows she can't see him. Any excuse, any explanation isn't good enough. She knows the truth, she has known it for some time, and Ryan knows he can't lie to her face, not anymore. So he doesn't say anything and turns the phone off.
Sighing, he leans forward, closing his eyes and giving himself a moment for everything to sink in. He doesn't so much think of Theresa, or Chino, or even the baby he knows he's not quite leaving behind. He thinks of Seth, lying in the hospital bed with his eyes closed, and his heart constricts. Will you at least tell him how you feel? Ryan doesn't think he can.
Taking a deep breath, he turns around and walks back into the hallway. It takes him a moment and some thought to find the room once again. He stands outside, right shoulder almost touching the wall. He's been kicked out of his house almost house, a second time. He snorts. That's not good. As of three minutes ago, he has no home.
His eyes flicker to the door for a second before falling to the floor. He has the memory of a home. He doesn't know if he'll be taken back, he has cost so much pain. Shaking his head, pushing all thought away, Ryan opens the door and steps inside.
Kirsten turns around and gives him a small smile. Sandy looks up from the floor and nods in his direction.
"We were starting to worry," Kirsten says. "You've been gone a while."
Ryan nods. "Yeah, sorry." He doesn't know how to tell them, how to ask them to be accepted back. He sighs. He should wait a while.
"You're not going to work today, are you?" Sandy tilts his head, checking his watch as he does so. "It's late."
"Yeah, I called Theresa. She'll call Steven." He pauses. "She says hi."
Kirsten nods, her back to Ryan as she squeezes Seth's hand in hers before placing it back on the bed. Standing up, she touches her left collarbone, something she does when she's either worried or nervous. "I'm gonna get a cup of coffee."
Sandy stands after her. "I'll go with you."
She pauses by the door, hand reaching to touch Ryan's cheek once again before walking out, Sandy following her closely.
Ryan's gaze shifts from the door to Seth and he swallows thickly. This is the first they've been left alone. The doctor had reassured them Seth was fine, only sleeping off the painkillers. Ryan has already memorized Seth's every feature during the five hours he has been staring at him. There are small cuts on Seth's hairline and a long bandage along Seth's left forearm. Ryan can imagine it's a scrape, probably made when he hit the side of the boat.
He stands up on shaky legs, taking a tentative step forward. When his legs don't give up under him, he makes his way to Kirsten's chair, the one closest to the bed. He sits down heavily, right hand reaching out to take Seth's in his, like Kirsten has been doing since last night.
His throat burns, his eyes sting and he can barely take a breath. It feels like he's dying, only Ryan believes it can't possibly hurt like this. His grip tightens around Seth's hand, clutching it forcefully, painfully. Ryan doesn't feel anything.
A whisper in the back of his mind reminds him he might break Seth's hand, but Ryan doesn't listen. He can't.
"Why?" His voice is hoarse, his throat aching. "I don't get it. You're paranoid about safety, I know that. I know that, I've seen you sail. Why didn't you--?"
He can't finish the sentence as his throat closes. He coughs, fighting back whatever it is that's rising within him and making the back of his head, of his forehead, hurt.
"How--?" He pauses, tilting his head, and Ryan thinks he saw Seth's closed eyelids move. His breath catches in his throat.
A second. Two.
Seth's eyelids move once again and Ryan presses his teeth together, his jaw almost hurting. Another second and Seth's eyes open, Ryan's hand tightening by reflex. Seth turns his head around to stare at Ryan for a moment. A frown appears on his face.
Ryan can feel his heart pounding in his chest, on his temples, and his hand loosens around Seth's, shaking. Brown eyes stare at him.
Ryan doesn't know what to say except, "Hey."
Seth blinks and then responds, "Hey."
Ryan feels like laughing, long and hard, as if a weight has been lifted from his chest. Seth keeps on looking at him and Ryan thinks it might have been.
"Where are--?"
"The hospital," Ryan says, the corners of his lips curling upward. "Your parents," he looks over his shoulder at the door before gazing back at Seth, "they went for coffee. They'll be back..."
Seth nods, coughing, and Ryan free hand reaches out to smooth Seth's hair, moving down to caress Seth's cheek with the back of his palm.
Seth's gaze shifts from Ryan's face to the hand against his face. "Dude?"
"You scared me," Ryan mumbles, pain bubbling up in his throat. He clears it, blinking rapidly as his eyes blur for a second. "You scared the shit of out of me."
Seth gives him a pained smile. "Sorry."
"Don't do that again."
Seth nods and Ryan knows it's enough. He wants to ask why. He wants to ask about the reasons, the motives. He knows Seth and Seth is better than this, better than letting himself be caught in a storm, even in a rainy night. He knows Seth and right now, eyes staring into Seth's, there is nothing he wants to say.
Except, "I love you."
His lower lip trembles, for a moment, for a second, before he realizes he’s said the words, and he bites it down. Ryan wants to let go of Seth's hand, but it's Seth who grips Ryan's, grimacing as -- Ryan assumes -- his broken forearm complains at the strain of the muscles.
"I..." Seth sighs, smile finding his lips. "I know. I... I had to leave. I couldn't..." He chuckles, nervously, and takes a deep breath. "I know. I love you..."
"I know."
They don't say anything, only needing to stare at one another. There are thirty-nine days to fill out in each other's lives, but there is time for that.
Minutes later, Sandy and Kirsten burst into the room. Ryan squeezes Seth's hand before letting go of it, standing up and giving Kirsten space to hug her son, Sandy standing by Kirsten's side. He takes a step back, leaning against the wall, eyes still on Seth. Seth meets his gaze. Ryan smiles. Seth does too.
They'll fill in on each other later. Seth will talk with the doctor, leave the hospital. Ryan will tell them about Theresa, about not living with her anymore. And then they'll both go home. Ryan and Seth. Both of them, home.
End