Sullen
by M. F. LuderPart one
Seth comes back home on July 15th with the last rays of a sunny Thursday afternoon as he enters the house, five weeks after he left. Seth doesn't say why he's come back, or what's made him return. His parents don't ask.
He steps into the house as they are sitting by the table, his mom barely talking to his dad and Seth wonders if this, this almost coldness that hangs between them is his fault. Apparently, leaving things behind doesn't actually make them right once again.
His mom hugs him tight, almost crying on his shoulder before pulling back to arm's length and telling him he's grounded until he gets a PhD.
And Ryan's still in Chino.
Seth doesn't know which one is worse, getting grounded or... the other thing. The Ryan part, probably. Nothing is better. Everything seems worse. Seth doesn't like it. No questions are asked, and for that he's grateful. He does, however, get yelled at, repetitively, and he doesn't like it one bit.
Finally, about an hour later, his mom tells him they'll have dinner soon and he can go to his room. He throws his bag onto the floor as he thinks about how bad one can mess things up. Apparently, Seth happens to be really good at that.
Lying down on his bed, on a soft mattress that dips, with a four hundred thread cover, he stares up at the ceiling. A white ceiling he had missed terribly, almost as bad as his own bed and floor he can touch when he puts his feet down. He has missed this: lying down and closing his eyes and not hearing anything.
The sounds of the water and ocean are nice, and cool, and all that, but all the freaking time gets tiresome at one point and one kinda starts missing the little things. The very little things he never realized he had before. Like a room, with walls and doors and stuff.
Seth sighs, turning around in his bed, and his gaze falls on the phone on his nightstand. He's surprised he's missed his nightstand, and his Superman lamp.
He's grounded, big time. He can't use the phone. Or the car, or even his skateboard. His comics have been confiscated to his mom's closet and will not see the light of day until Batman declares his undying love for Robin. Seth thinks that'll be sometime next year.
If that wasn't enough, he probably won't get to see his Playstation until Playstation 5 comes out and he can only leave the house for school.
But, he can call Ryan. He could, because he knows his parents, and they would take pity on his tormented soul and let him call Ryan. If only to tell Ryan that yes, he's back, safe and sound. He bites his lower lip, hand reaching out for the receiver. Until he wonders who exactly is at fault here.
Ryan for leaving him, or Seth for leaving Ryan.
It's a tough decision. It's like asking what came first, the chicken or the egg, and though he could ponder it for years to come, he would probably keep correcting himself. Seth thinks that maybe, probably, it could be Ryan's fault. Because, yeah, Ryan left for Chino first. First being the keyword here.
Ryan left for Chino because he wanted to do the right thing, and isn't doing the right thing and chivalry a little overrated? Ryan could have, easily, been selfish and stayed home. Home, in a nice place, where he's loved. Where Sandy and Kirsten are, where Seth is. Ryan could have stayed, but he didn't. And that was Ryan's decision, and no one else's.
Ryan chose that, and Seth only did the natural thing after that kind of ultimatum.
For a moment there, in between Ryan giving Seth the map to Tahiti, because how blind do you have to be to do something like that, to give your best friend something that was given to you the first time you almost left and that has left scars as it is?
So, yeah, there, in between the stupid map and Ryan telling Seth, yes, I'm leaving, aren't you gonna stand up and hug me? Well, Ryan didn't say that, not exactly, but he meant it. Seth knows he meant it. With his eyes, and his I'm all cool and macho, and not hurting at all stance, Seth knows Ryan meant that.
Still, in that moment, in that second when Seth pretended he was all cool and mighty, that he didn't care that the only person who ever cared for him in the world was leaving, in that second, Seth hated Ryan. He hated Ryan for doing this, for being his friend first, for a year, for letting Seth get used to being normal, and liked, and having someone watch his back, and then just fucking leave!
Seth hated Ryan.
Seth swallows, shaking his head as he does so. He didn't like Ryan that much back then, but he had five weeks to think about it. Now he knows that, if he could do it over again, Seth would stand up and hug him.
Only, Seth's angry once again. Angry with Ryan for not coming home first, for not being here, waiting for Seth with open arms. And with that, Seth decides it's not really his fault, but Ryan's, and Ryan should apologize first.
He sighs, turning around, suddenly not hungry at all, and pulls the covers all the way up to his shoulders, closing his eyes. It takes him long to fall asleep, but he does.
Next morning, Ryan calls home and talks with Sandy and Kirsten. He reports, like he has been doing, once a week, every week since he left. He doesn't ask for Seth and Seth doesn't ask for the phone. Seth doesn't know he should have, and that he will regret it later on.
By the end of the week, Seth's anger has settled in his stomach, taking residence. He's convinced it's not his fault, but Ryan's. All Ryan's. Ryan left first. Ryan should call first. Ryan should apologize.
Seth tells himself he won't talk to Ryan until Ryan talks with him first.
Seth will one day realize how childish that is.
Wednesday afternoon, Seth lays down on the grass, looking up at the sky. He's bored and has been for the past week. He has nothing to do, nothing to see after seeing almost everything on his not quite trip to Tahiti, getting only as far away as the borders of Santa Barbara.
It's July 21st, though that doesn't mean much for Seth. Probably never will.
As Seth groans in annoyance and stands up, walking into the house to watch some pointless TV show, Arturo is robbing a store with Gata as payment for money he doesn't have. Arturo will get busted, and go to jail, but Seth won't find out about this until later.
The next day, Seth's still in bed at seven am. It's far too early for him on a summer morning, especially when he's grounded. He wonders if he has a reason to get out of bed, having nothing to look forward to.
Theresa's making breakfast with her mom, and Ryan is getting ready to go to the construction site he was lucky enough to find work at.
Estella Herrera will go to the police station later today, to see her son. Theresa is still mad at Arturo, and Ryan thinks that maybe he'll be the next in line. First Trey, then Arturo. The only two left are him and Eddie.
Theresa stares at Ryan as he closes the front door and she sighs. She worries about talking to him, about bringing up the subject of Seattle and Lucy, her childhood friend.
Seth turns around and covers his face with his pillow as Theresa decides to postpone the conversation another day.
On the 27th, a Tuesday night, Seth sits down on the couch, remote in hand and starts zapping through the channels. He's bored to death, something that has become a part of his daily life. One with the boredom seems to be his motto as of late.
Summer still hasn't come by to rip him to pieces, and Seth is glad for that small miracle.
Ryan called again, two days ago, and spoke with his parents.
Seth pretended not to sulk when they hang up the phone and Ryan, once again, hadn't asked to talk with him. And he wasn't waiting for Ryan to at least pretend he wanted to know what was up with Seth. No, he wasn't. He really, really wasn't.
He tries to shoot his thoughts down, to not think about Ryan for at least one hour a day. Seth doesn't seem to be able to. He remembers Ryan's leaving, closing the door after him and how Seth felt his chest was pressing against his heart and he couldn't breath.
He closes his eyes, telling himself not to think about it. Seth presses his eyes shut as Ryan opens his own, gazing out the window at the house they are leaving behind.
Theresa is driving, and Ryan ducks his head. He has left twice in the last month and though this time it doesn't hurt as much as the last, Ryan still feels like something inside him is breaking. They are leaving for Seattle for something better, or so they believe, and wasn't Newport the best place for him?
Looking over his shoulder, Ryan stares after the house, as it becomes a dot in the scenery and closes his eyes to the image, while Seth opens his, catching a second of CNN before changing the channel once again.
The Next Monday, August 2nd, Seth reads about Eddie Kaspbrak putting every single bottle of prescribed and not prescribed medicine out there in his blue tote-bag, ready for his trip as the sun sets.
Seth worries about his state of mind in deciding to read Stephen King's work when he's quite the wuss about horror movies, books, and everything that involves something scary lurking in a dark corner.
Still, there's nothing better left to do in this house but start picking up the books on the shelves and opening his mind to new possibilities. Though, the picture of the clown on the cover of the book should have convinced Seth this was no book to toy with.
He sighs, hand running through his hair, and he chuckles under his breath at the amount of medicine one person can have. His eyes shift to the window for a moment and the sky outside is dark. Seth wonders if it'll rain. It hasn't rained the whole month. It hasn't rained in months.
The man is scared, Eddie is scared, and he's running away, though in the wrong direction, and Seth should have enough brains in his head to put this book down unless he wants to spend tonight with his eyes wide open and the lamp on.
But Seth keeps on reading, like a car crash you can't keep your eyes off, and when he turns the page with the tips of his fingers, Ryan catches sight of the red Toyota two hundred miles from Newport. Only, Seth doesn't know this. Seth doesn't see the car cutting off the bus on the freeway, or the bus driver hitting the brakes a second too late.
Seth doesn't see the way Ryan's hand reaches out to keep his balance, but the momentum is too strong, and Ryan hits his head on the seat in front of him.
Seth doesn't see any of this; he only sees lines of dark writing that evoke fear from inside him, even though he still doesn't know what to be afraid of.
He likes this, reading alone as he lies on the couch in the den. He likes this, not remembering Ryan and Chino and all the things he doesn't have to think about when he's reading. He yawns, one hand moving to his mouth and the book closes at its own will.
Seth scans through the book, looking for the right page as Ryan's left shoulder blade gives in, the pain going through Ryan's back and down his spine.
Seth blinks as he finds it and picks up at the line he left off at, not hearing Ryan's scream that dies down in his throat.
However, the book has lost its appeal and Seth is hungry all of a sudden. He places the bookmark, closing the book and the bus tips over. The windows start cracking and there's more shouting all around Ryan that Seth will never know about.
Ryan's backpack falls down, hitting him, and then falling to the floor beside him as Seth lets his book fall down onto the couch and walks toward the kitchen.