There is no before
by M. F. Luder
Part one: Breach
22. cradle
Ryan's hand grips the steering wheel, his knuckles almost white as he turns around the corner, amber light turning red. Someone honks at him, but he doesn't care. Right now, he doesn't fucking care.
"It's your fault!"
"Oh, for God's sake. Seth."
"No. No. You did it."
"Like I actually like her? She's... she's stupid!"
"You knew I liked her! You knew I wanted to ask her out."
"Well, why didn't you?"
"Because she asked you out!"
"Oh, fuck. What? You think this is like the fashion show? Like that party? I threw myself at her, is that it?"
"Well, hmm. Yeah. Yeah. You did! You did, didn't you?"
"You'd actually believe that of me? You think I'd do that to you?"
"Fuck you, Ryan."
"No, fuck you."
Lately, it's all been like this. Fight after fight, argument after argument. It's like they can't get along anymore. It's like they aren't who they used to be, Ryan and Seth, but Ryan and two miles away, Seth.
He makes another fast turn, passing a red light and barely lowering the speed as he does so. When he reaches the pier, he parks. He's panting, his breath coming out in harsh gasps. His chest is tight and, closing his eyes, he lowers his forehead on the steering wheel.
They hate each other. Or at least have been acting like they hate each other.
"I'm sorry," Ryan whispers softly, his words coming out in one breath. "I'm sorry."
He snaps, you yell. Seth screams and you throw things at him.
And it's my fault, Ryan thinks. It's my fault. I can't stand him anymore. I can't... I can't even see him. Half truths were always easier to accept.
You can't see him, because you want to reach out. You can't talk to him, because you want to whisper. You can't be in the same room with him, because you want to touch him.
With a soft sigh, he hides his face behind his hands, head still bend. He takes a deep breath, waiting for his heart to settle, for his throat and chest not to ache.
His cell phone rings and Ryan bites down on his lower lip, shaking his head slightly. Not yet. Not right now.
As it rings for a third time, Ryan curses under his breath before reaching for it. He doesn't need to see the name on the screen; he knows who's calling him. He considers not answering for a second but knows it's stupid. He'll answer. He always answers.
Flipping it open, Ryan places it by his ear. He doesn't say anything as he waits. He doesn't wait long.
"I'm sorry."
Ryan shakes his head. Don't do this. Just don't.
"I'm sorry. Dude... I'm sorry. Really. I... I'm sorry."
I love you, you want to say. I love you. Forgive me.
"Dude? Ryan? God. Please, just talk to me, okay? Just... talk to me?"
You tell yourself that you don't know how you feel. You don't know, but you're lying, and you know that too. You know exactly how you feel. You fell in love with him. That's why you can't stand him anymore. You fell in love with him, and that's why you wish you could leave.
"Ryan? Ryan... I... I'm sorry."
You don't wish for Seth to tell you that he loves you. You can't. You can't ask that much of him. You wouldn't.
"Talk to me."
You can't.
"Please?"
His voice is broken and that's your undoing.
"I'm here," Ryan says. His voice is hoarse and he clears his throat before speaking again. "I'm here."
"Ryan..."
Seth doesn't say anything else. He doesn't need to. Maybe Seth knows this, maybe he doesn't, but Ryan does.
"It's okay."
"I'm--"
"It's okay."
Ryan sits there, hearing Seth breathe on the other end of the line. Seth's breathing, rapidly and loudly on the phone. Seth's breathing, waiting for Ryan to say something. Ryan doesn't know what to say.
I love you. I want you. I need you. I crave your touch. I can't not kiss you, not anymore. I can't not say to you what I want to say. I can't not watch you with girls. See me. I need you to see me. Just fucking see me.
He can't say that. He won't. He doesn't. Ryan sighs, shaking his head and he lowers his forehead onto the steering wheel again, the leather rough against his skin.
"Come home?"
Of course, you hear yourself think. Of course. I'll come home to you.
"Give me a minute."
"Ryan..."
Ryan closes his eyes. He can almost see Seth tremble in that word alone.
"Yeah." Ryan takes a deep breath, lifting his head, turning the key into ignition. "Yeah, I'm going."
Seth waits another moment on the line before Ryan flips the phone off. He pockets the cell phone once again. He bites his lower lip, hand holding the wheel less tightly. And this time, he stops at red lights.
When you arrive at home, you look at him. You want to hug him. You want to hold him. You want to reach out and touch Seth's cheek, tell him you know, tell him you understand.
I love you, you want to whisper. I've missed you, you want to say. But you don't. You look at him and smile.
Seth smiles back and with a sigh, Ryan turns around and sits down on the couch. Seth sits by his side. The pick up the controllers and pretend nothing has happened, nothing has been broken.
You pretend and next time when you look at him, it doesn't seem to ache as much.
Part two: Hear
There is no before