There is no before
by M. F. Luder
Part two: Hear
11. gardenia
Something wakes Ryan up, and he blinks, darkness around him settling into soft lines and silhouettes he recognizes. The armchair by the door, the TV, the dresser almost behind him, and the profile of a body next to his, are all things that Ryan can imagine with his eyes closed.
Your prop yourself up on one shoulder and watch him. You have to watch him.
Seth came into Ryan's bedroom, or pool house actually, as night turned into midnight and the darkness in Seth's room became too much. Ryan understands, of course, Seth's fear of the dark is his greatest kept secret. And in cases like this, Ryan is his only save harbor.
Your heart clenches and unclenches itself, the knowledge making the bittersweet pain lessen. It makes it better; it makes you a better man, to be the keeper of his sleep.
You'll watch his back, he knows. You know. You both know.
Seth's chest rises and falls with each breath, and Ryan's breathing slows to match Seth's own.
You can't help it. Your hand reaches out and hovers over Seth's eyebrow. You want to touch it, but you can't. You won't let yourself do.
Ryan sighs, shaking his head, lowering his eyes. At times he wonders if this is right, doing this, letting Seth believe everything is alright, normal, nothing out of the ordinary when Ryan knows it's nothing like that.
But Seth's not wrong, you know. Seth's not wrong at all. You'll protect his sleep. You'll protect Seth's entire being for you can't do anything but. You would give your life for him, you love him so. You depend on him; your heartbeat depends on his. Your breathing depends on his.
Ryan looks up, biting down on his lower lip, letting out a soft sight through parted lips.
Hear me, you demand. Please. Hear me. Listen to this so I don't have to say it to your face. Please.
"I love you," Ryan whispers into the soft and dark night. "I love you. I've loved you for as long as I've known you, longer. I loved you since you existed."
He chuckles, the sound sad in his throat and aren't his words as pathetic as the feeling itself? As the fear he has of Seth leaving, of Seth even knowing and then turning his back to Ryan?
When you look at him, brown eyes still closed, you know he didn't. And in the back of your mind, you didn't expect him to. It's better this way. It's your secret, isn't it? This love you carry is your secret to keep from him.
"I love you," Ryan mutters once again. He sighs, lowering his face to his pillow and closing his eyes.
A moment later, as sleep is about to claim you, you hear him shift and your heart clenches in your chest and your breathing is suddenly hard, impossible to come through. Oh God, you think. Oh, God. I didn't mean it, you plead silently. I didn't mean it.
"Ryan?"
Ryan opens his eyes to look at Seth, and though Ryan can only see his silhouette, he can imagine Seth looking at him with confusion in his eyes.
"Yes?" Ryan asks, his voice hoarse, his heart thumping in his chest.
Seth shakes his head, rubbing his face with his hands. "I thought I heard you calling me."
You let out a soft sigh you don't know you've been holding and your heart seems to beat again at a normal rhythm.
"No, no. I didn't say anything." Ryan chuckles, a nervous laugh that bubbles up in his throat and comes out almost as a whimper.
"Oh." Seth nods and lies down on his back once again.
But he's not asleep, you know. He's wide-awake now and scared around the edges. You turn around to your side so you can see him again, see his profile, the lines of his curls and the curve of his jaw, and you sigh, softly and silently, lovingly.
"Sleep," you whisper, and he hears, he listens, and turns around to face you.
Sleep, you think, and he listens to you and he sleeps because you're watching him sleep and you fall in love with him all over again.
Part one: Breach
Part three: Come
There is no before