There is no before
by M. F. Luder
Part three: Come
12. in a good mood
Ryan runs a hand through his hair before scratching his left eyebrow, frowning as he does so. There's so much left to know about the French Revolution. So much he doesn't know and has to learn for tomorrow. Unless, of course, he wants to flunk the test but that's not even an option.
But even as he blinks and frowns and looks at the page for the third time in as many minutes, he realizes that his mind is just not on it.
His eyes glance at the phone on the other side of the den. He sighs, closing the history book and pushing it away from him.
You can't study. You can't think. You can barely breathe, you miss him so much.
Ryan shakes his head and he rests his forehead over the edge of the book, eyes closed. Seth's out with a girl, again, like he was yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that.
And you should be used to this, you think. You should be able to handle him babbling about a girl, someone he met, a new date, someone who isn't Summer or Reed. You should have learned by now how to look at him and not smile, how to listen to him and not want to die.
But you haven't. And that's your own fault, isn't it?
Ryan can't study, period. There's nothing to do about that now. So he stands up and walks away from the table to the kitchen, opening the fridge. He gets out the orange juice and pours himself a glass, leaning back against the edge of the counter.
He looks down at his glass, swirling the liquid inside. He likes orange juice, but Seth likes apple juice. There's a bottle of apple juice only for Seth, though Ryan steals a sip every now and then, only to see Seth's frowning face, as his juice seems to disappear before his eyes.
You lift your eyes and you see the phone, again, sitting in its black cradle, waiting for you to pick it up and call him. You want to, you know you want to.
You want to call him and ask him what he's doing, ask him if he's coming home. Ask him to come back.
Ryan shakes his head, placing the glass on top of the counter, putting away the bottle of juice. There's nothing left to do, but study, and that's something he has to do right now because tomorrow is the test and the questions won't be about Seth's location or the right shade of his eyes, but actual history Ryan doesn't know anything about.
Thinking about maybe turning on the TV for background noise, that it might help him think about something that's not Seth for the next two hours and actually get some studying done, Ryan hears his cell phone ring.
He pats his pants, but it's not there. The ringing continues. Ryan curses under his breath, running toward the table but it's not by his books either. He checks the den quickly as the third ring is heard. Nothing.
He groans, shaking his head, before rushing toward the pool house as the four ring starts and ends. He pushes the door open and almost throws himself on the bed as he sees the cell phone by the pillows. He flips it open as the fifth ring is about to die down.
"Hello?" Ryan breathes out, his heart pounding inside his chest.
"Dude, I thought you weren't gonna pick up."
Your heart seems to flutter in your chest from the sound of his voice alone.
"Yeah, hmm. Sorry. Had the cell in the pool house."
"What ya doing?"
Ryan shrugs, taking deep even breaths, as his chest is a little tight. He walks out of the pool house, making his way back to the kitchen.
"Not much." Missing you, you think. "Studying history. You know I have a test tomorrow."
"Yeah, yeah."
There's a pause on other line and you pause as well, hip against the counter as your finger moves over the rim of the glass. You're smiling, this big goofy smile on your lips because you're talking with him. Because you've been wanting to hear his voice the past three hours. How pathetic are you?
"So," Seth says after a moment. "What do you want to for dinner?"
"You're coming back already?" You cough against your hand because your voice shouldn't sound as eager as you feel, not by something as simple as him coming back, coming home, coming to you.
He chuckles, and Ryan can image him shaking his head. "Yeah. So? Thai?"
You nod, your throat tight all of a sudden. You cough again, smiling even as you do so. God, you're pathetic. You're so, so pathetic. "Yes. Thai's great."
"Good. I'll be there in less than an hour."
You don't say anything else. You don't think you can.
A moment later, after Seth has hung up, Ryan closes the phone and places it inside his pocket, in case Seth calls again.
You're smiling now, again, which you can't stop yourself from doing. You wouldn't stop if you could, probably.
He's coming back, home, to you. He's coming and you'll finish your drink and sit down at the table and do your best to actually study until he comes home and sees you and then you'll smile again, and see him, and want to kiss him as much as you do right now.
Part two: Hear
Part four: Breathe
There is no before