There is no before
by M. F. Luder
Part four: Breathe
15. excessive chain
Ryan stands by Marissa's side, hands in his pockets, as he watches the band on the stage. Seth wanted to come and watch the show, even if Alex is out of town.
He sighs, turning around to look over his shoulder. Seth's standing two feet from him, by Summer's side, arm thrown over her shoulders. They are back together again, and Ryan does his best not to cringe.
"You ok?"
You turn around and look at the woman that used to mean to the world to you. You smile at her because even after all this time, you still care for her. Not the way she wants you to. Not the way you would like to.
"Yeah," Ryan says, eyes glancing back at the band. "I'm fine."
She nods, Ryan sees her in his peripheral vision. She's smiling at him, like she knows, and Ryan ducks his head to hide his blush.
"It'll be okay," Marissa says, placing her hand on Ryan's shoulder and squeezing slightly.
You swallow, your throat tight and you close your eyes, and everything hurts all of a sudden.
It won't, you think. It won't because he's with her now and whatever... you snort idly. Whatever chance I ever had, if there was even one, it's long gone.
"How long--?"
Ryan shakes his head at her question. "Don't," he says, his voice tight and his lips pursed into a thin line. "Just... don't."
She sighs and nods after a moment, pulling Ryan to her side.
You want to hug her. You want to place your arm over her shoulders and turn her around in your embrace and kiss her, if only to brush away the pain in your chest, the desolation feeling that's crawling around you and capturing you.
You can't, because you don't love her anymore. It's not her you dream about. It's not her that makes you smile. It's not her, it's not her at all.
"I do wonder what everyone sees in Seth."
Ryan looks up at her, eyebrow lift. She's grinning, shrugging as she does so.
"I mean, seriously. It's not that he isn't cute, you're just cuter. And Zach. Totally. But then there's Summer, and there was Anna, and Alex as well. And now," she shrugs again, girlish smile on her lips, "well, you."
You blush, ducking your head again and you can't face her, not knowing she knows as well. Knows that you've fallen in love so hard and so deep you didn't even realize it until you were breathing water, it seemed to so impossible to feel this way at all.
But you are. You have. God only knows how long you've been doing this, looking at him with different eyes and just didn't know.
"He's different," Ryan says after a moment, his voice barely a whisper blown away by the music in the club.
Marissa's eyes flicker to her best friend and her boyfriend, and she nods. "Yeah, he is." She pats Ryan's shoulder almost lovingly. "Maybe that's why everyone loves him. Maybe that's why you love him."
You don't say anything. You don't think you can. Your lower lip is trembling and you want to leave this place, go back home to the safety of your room, of your pool house, and close your eyes and pretend that the next morning, when you wake up and have breakfast, suddenly you won't be in love with him anymore.
Ryan stands there, by Marissa's side for another hour. He lets her draw him into mindless talk about school and homework they have to get done for History, the only subject they have together.
She smiles at him and after a while, when his mind is not entirely filled with thoughts of Seth, he smiles as well. She starts talking about the adventures they had last year, and she mentions the Nana and the balls and suddenly he's laughing, laughing about something that happened and wasn't entirely around Seth and that makes him breathe easier.
When the show ends, the four of them make their way out of the club and toward the parking lot.
You watch Seth lean toward Summer and capture her lips in his and you turn around, unable to watch anymore, incapable of torturing yourself like that.
Marissa stands there, before you, and she places her finger along your jaw and smiles at you and in her eyes, there's understanding and tenderness and you realize you've found a friend in your very own pain.
"It's okay," she says, softly, and after a moment Ryan nods. His motion is stiff and difficult and he's not really convinced of it, but he's willing to lie to himself for a while. "Maybe we should go out tomorrow," she says as well, trying to coerce a smile or a reaction out of Ryan.
You nod, your neck burning in shame at the neediness of human contact and understanding. Seth will be out all day with Summer, you know, he told you so earlier today. He'll be out and unless you actually go out as well, you'll be in your room thinking about Seth and Summer and kissing and things you would never be able to do with him. God, you are pathetic.
Ryan nods again, and thanks her quietly.
"Dude?"
Ryan turns around, gives Marissa one last smile before jumping into the car.
Seth's driving and that's for the best, because in the state you're in, you think you might wrap the car around a tree.
Ryan sighs, leans his head against the window and closes his eyes. Seth starts talking a moment later, talking about the band and the songs and how he's going to buy Ryan their CD, it's so cool and amazing and deserving of yet another sell.
Ryan doesn't want to listen to him, doesn't think he can listen to him. He turns around to look at him, mouth open to shut him up.
But you look at him. His brown eyes and his friendly smile and the way he looks at you, like you matter, like he cares and you melt under his gaze alone.
Ryan nods at Seth's babble, and then leans back against the headrest, his gaze on Seth as he watches him talk.
And you don't know how you ever wished to not love him. It's loving him that makes you who you are. It's loving him that makes you breathe and see and touch and hear and smell and just be.
It's loving him that gives you a reason to live, and you seem to love him even more for that.
Part three: Come
Part five: Sound
There is no before