There is no before
by M. F. Luder
Part five: Sound
14. radio cassette player
Ryan throws his backpack on the passenger seat as he jumps into the car. He shakes his head, the beginning of a headache starting to make itself known after two hours of group project. Sometimes, more often than not, Physics give him a splitting headache and make him doubt about his so-called chosen career.
There's still homework to get done. Papers for both Calculus and Physics, and that's good, because Seth went out with Summer after school and if there's homework to get done, then maybe you'll be so busy that you won't be thinking about Seth, or Summer, or both of them in her house doing what you know they are doing.
Ryan sighs, running a hand through his hair. He pulls off the parking lot, turning on the radio as he does so. He half listens to it as he makes his way back home, thinking about lunch and a change of clothes, maybe a quick shower and seeing Seth.
As he pauses by a red light, he lets out a soft sigh, the chords of the song finally catching up with him."--close, don't breathe so soft
Don't talk so sweet, don't sing
Don't lay oh so near."Ryan snorts, shaking his head as he does so. What is that woman talking about?
Something inside you stirs and shifts and it's like a wound that has barely been healing, that has been pretending to heal, has been opened wide once again and you're bleeding, you can see read in the corner of your eyes."Please, don't let me fall in love with you again."
Seth, you think, your lips pursed into a thin line.
"Please let me forget all those sweet smiles
All of the passion, all of the heat, the peace, the pain
All those blue skies where your words were my freedom.""God," Ryan breathes out, his eyes closed shut.
"Please, don't let me fall in love with you again
Too many times I've cared too much
I stood on the edge and saw that --"You listen to the singer's soft voice, melodic, and it seems to be calling to you.
Ryan blinks out of his stupor as a honk is heard and he glances up to the streetlight, suddenly green. It takes him a moment to find his center and remember which one is the gas and which one is the break.
Your hands shake as you try to stir the wheel and listen to the song at the same time."--you held my hand
And knowing too well I couldn't hide from those eyes
Please, don't let me fall in love with you again."I can't, your mind whispers almost in response to the song. You couldn't. You don't think you could possibly love someone as much as you love him at this moment, in this second in time. And if you were to fall in love with him again? Well, you'll die, you know.
You'll die of heart stroke. You'll die of the force and the intensity and the feeling itself.
You'll die and be reborn in his bliss. You're in pain, suddenly. You've probably been in pain for so long. Every time you move, you creak. You've been in pain since you fell in love.
Not being able to listen to another word of her voice, of the song itself, Ryan reaches out to turn change the station but ends up hitting the volume and raising it until all he can hear is her voice.
You pause at another red light and this time you can't hide the fact that that song is singing to you, to you alone, and you turn around to look at the radio.
"Please, don't let me fall in love with you again
Don't let me fall in love with you again"[1]This time, when they honk at you, you realize that if you keep on listening to this woman you won't ever reach home.
Ryan sighs, shifting the dial as he presses the gas.
The next song that comes up makes you wonder whether changing the station was a good idea."And baby, I wished for you
"Fuck," Ryan says, hitting the wheel with the flat of his palm.
Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead."It's like the song speaks to you directly, no questions asked and no needing to sugar coat it for you: You're in love. You might as well be fucked.
"I want your warm, but it will only make
Me colder when it's over
So I can't tonight, baby
No, not "baby" anymore - if I need you
I'll just use your simple name."What is it with songs and you today? Are they trying to tell you something? Are they--?
"Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we'll only have to wave."[2]"Fuck you," Ryan grits out, glaring at the radio before shifting his gaze back to the road. He pushes the button down of the dial for a couple of times before letting it go. There has to be a song out there, some angry stupid song that says nothing and means nothing and doesn't even deserve to be listened to.
Ryan blinks, tiredly and tries to focus on Physics and the exam this week.
You try, but you can't. You think about Seth and brown eyes and sweet smiles and everything that means to you, everything it holds for you, and that's what songs have changed suddenly. It's not that the lyrics are different, it's more like you're different.
You're in love, and that's why everything is brighter and sadder at the same time. That's why songs mean something instead of being words that can be skipped over.
You're in love. This is how the world is seen with brand new eyes that see Seth in the background.
"I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time."Ryan gives the radio a sideways glance and a snort.
Is this some kind of a conspiracy against you? And you know you've been spending too much time with Seth if you're thinking that.
Oh, God. Seth.
You shake your head at the memory of his name and how your name sounds in his lips.
"I'm here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight, there’s only you and me."You laugh, a bittersweet laughter that bubbles up in your throat as you turn around the corner. There are tears in the corner of your eyes and it's not because of the man's voice, or the stings they play, of even the wording.
It's because this song, and any other you might listen to from now until forever, will always whisper Seth's name in your ear, won't it?
"The miles just keep rolling as the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated but I hope that this gets better as we go.""No shit."
But you doubt it, just as much as you doubt that you'll ever listen to a song the way you used to, with a detachment that felt easy back in the day.
"I'm here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time."[3]Ryan wonders about turning off the radio, or breaking, it anything as long as sound doesn't come out of the speakers.
Sound that makes your heart bleed. Sounds that makes you wonder if everything has changed and you haven't actually noticed.
Ryan sighs, changing the station one more time. One more time and then it's off, for good, until songs has ceased to exist, probably.
"--you know very well I want you gone
Not fit to funkin' tread the ground I'm walking on
When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say."
The group sounds familiar and Ryan nods, almost absently as the wording doesn't sound like nails on a chalkboard this time."There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe."[4]Harder to breathe, well, that's something you can relate to, isn't it?
Doesn't your breath catch in your throat each time you see him? Don't you just want to reach out and touch him, make sure he's real and he's actually standing before you?
Don't you want to kiss him?
Don't you wish he would love you?
"No," Ryan says in a hushed breath, answering the question he doesn't dare to ask. "No, it's not like that."
But you're lying to yourself, something that has become quite easier as days go by and nights turn into morning and you have to face him again, you have to see him and nod and listen and pretend you don't wish to burry your face in your pillow and just scream until your throat is raw.
It hurts, you think, you want to whisper but dare not to. It hurts and it bleeds and everything aches and wasn't love supposed to be grand and pretty and beautiful and all those things you never had before this time?
But it isn't. Love isn't like that, not when the person you're fallen for doesn't see you the way you see them. It's only pain and sorrow and desolation when you see him and God... you're bleeding, inside, and you can almost see the blood in your fingers as you pull to the side and place your head on top of your hands.
"Stop," Ryan says, whispers, into the oblivion of the car. "Stop. Don't do this. Don't... fuck. Just don't do this. Just stop and breathe and fucking... God. Just fucking breathe."
You can do that. You can do this much in this moment and you breathe. Slowly. And then when time has passed and the song has ended and you're heart isn't hammering inside your chest you take another deep breath.
Ryan lets it out through barely parted lips, lifting his face from his hands. He nods, once, then twice, then when his hands aren't shaking anymore he pulls away from the street.
You turn off the radio idly, and then there's silence where there used to be sound, and somehow that fits. Maybe silence is more like love. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be sound, but silence, and you let yourself relax at the notion.
To download the songs, right click on the name and "save as". *g*
[1] "Don't" by Jewel.
[2] "Love Ridden" by Fiona Apple.
[3] "Here without you" by Three Doors Down.
[4] "Harder to breathe" by Maroon 5.Part four: Breathe
Part six: Speak
There is no before