There is no before
by M. F. Luder
Part six: Speak
9. dash
Ryan tilts his head, pencil tapping against the edge of the table as he blinks. He reads the paragraph again, the description of the exercise, and he sighs. He's not any closer to understanding this than he was ten minutes ago, or ten minutes before that.
He gives up, closing the Physics book and opening the Calculus one, hoping to have different luck on this one. Half an hour ticks by, forty minutes, when Ryan hears the front door opening. He frowns, checking his watch, and he realizes it's already five in the afternoon.
Weird, you think, because Seth went out with Summer, and usually they are out all afternoon. You tell yourself that there is no bitterness at the thought, as you purse your lips into a thin line.
Ryan sighs, placing the pencil in between the pages of the book and waits for Seth to walk into the kitchen. When a minute goes by and Seth has not sauntered inside, Ryan frowns, shaking his head as he does so. He was certain that he'd heard the front door, unless, of course, he's started to imagine things and that's another thing entirely.
Still, knowing he did hear the front door, he stands up and walks through the kitchen toward the living room. The door leaning to the back yard is open, and Ryan makes his way through it.
Seth stands by the banister that looks down to the grass yard before the McLean's, the new couple with two very small girls, Sarah and Bridget, next door. Seth, his back turned to Ryan, has his arms folded on top of the banister, and his eyes closed.
You sigh, and something in the back of your mind reminds you of what to expect. It's not the first time that this has happened, some thing or the other, yelling, and a break up that's not really meant. He'll feel bad tonight and you'll be there for him, and then, tomorrow morning or after class, they'll talk and ask for forgiveness, and you'll see the whole through with a tightness in your chest that you can't deny anymore.
Ryan nods, braces himself inwardly, and closes the distance to Seth. He doesn't say anything as he stands by Seth's side, arms folded like Seth's, on top of the banister. He looks out and toward the front door below.
They stand in silence for a good minute and Ryan starts to worry about Seth. Seth isn't the type to suffer in silence, never has been and probably never will be. He likes to yell and pace and scream when the time is right. He likes to babble and be listened to and be agreed with, and Ryan has always been there to indulge him. This Seth, Ryan doesn't know how to face.
"Are you okay?" Ryan asks after another moment of silence that feels awkward and uncomfortable in between them.
"We broke up."
The words should not surprise him, Ryan was expecting them, but he's taken back by the finality of Seth's words. He nods, looking down at the floor. "I'm sorry," he says, and in the back of his mind he knows he means it.
Seth shakes his head, leaning forward slightly, closing his eyes for a second. "I'm not." He sighs. "Not really, I mean. I knew... I knew things were bad. All we've been doing lately is fight. And break up." He laughs, a humorless laughter that makes Ryan want to reach forward and hug him. "Fight and see other people to make each other jealous and fight some more. God." Seth turns around took at Ryan. "How did it get so bad?"
You don't know, but you can't deny that you saw it. It was there, all along, but you didn't want to meddle. Maybe because you were worried you were only seeing what you wanted to see. You've wanted them apart since before they were together, since you met him, but you would have never done anything to break them up.
You love him, and above all you wanted him happy. And Summer used to make him happy.
Used to, key word.
"I don't know," Ryan says, his voice low and against his better judgment he places a hand on Seth's shoulder, squeezing slightly.
It gives Seth comfort as much as it gives you comfort, though you would never say that aloud.
"I'm sorry." Ryan turns around, hip against the banister to really look at Seth. The corners of Seth's eyes have a tinge of red, like he has been trying to stop himself from crying. Maybe he has. "I'm sorry."
"We yelled at each other."
You want to be understanding. "You've done that before."
Seth snorts. "We have, haven't we? God." He groans, placing his hands to cover his face. "God. It was awful. I didn't think.... I didn't think it had gotten this bad."
But it did, and maybe, if you had said something, if you had gotten the courage and let Seth know that the two of them were slowly breaking in half, and have been for the last two or so months, maybe you could have spared him this pain.
Ryan shakes his head, trying to silence his inner voice, his inner murmuring.
"I tried, you know?" Seth sighs, rubbing his face and letting his hands fall forward, forearms against the banister.
Ryan watches Seth sigh again, shake his head, blink and bite down his lower lip. Ryan watches him and wonders if there is anything he can do to make this better.
"I tried to be the boyfriend she wanted," Seth says, slowly, like each word hurts him. "I wanted to be there for her, to listen. To care. I love her." He gives Ryan a sideways glance. "I really do, Ryan."
"I know. I know."
I've seen it, you want to say. I've seen the way you look at her. I've seen the way you feel for her, I know, you don't have to tell me. And you loved her, you probably still do, but maybe it just wasn't enough.
God knows loving a person enough for the two of them sometimes isn't enough.
"She wanted something else." Seth doesn't have to explain, Ryan already knows. But Seth does want to explain, so Ryan hears him, and does his best to understand. "She wanted someone like... Zach, for example, willing to put everything first, every single thing. God, I can't... I wasn't good enough."
"Don't say that."
You know he's more than good enough, you know he'll be someone's world, he already is though he doesn't know, and he will be once again Seth lets himself be loved like that. You already do, but you don't say a thing.
"But I tried anyway. I took that chance." He laughs, shaking his head. "I can, at least, be proud of that. God, dude. I can't... God. It shouldn't be enough, but it is and I have no idea how that is, but it is. I tried and finally, after years of just watching her, I told her." He sighs, turning around, arms folded on his chest. He looks straight at Ryan, a small smile on his lips. "If you really do love someone, you have to tell them, right? Otherwise, you don't love them at all."
A blade of silver pierces your heart, slowly, deeply, and it twists inside, like the damage it has already made it's not enough. Like it wants to take as much from you as it can. It's doing a pretty good job at it.
You shake your head, shakily, unfolding your arms and shoving your hands into your pockets so that Seth won't realize that they're trembling like leaves under the autumn wind.
"Yes, you have to tell them." Seth looks more confident now, certain of his response and where he's taking this conversation and it makes Ryan want to turn around and leave. He wants to find the comfort of his pool house and, if it wouldn't look so unbecoming of him, to hide under the covers.
Ryan shakes his head again, his throat too tight. He can barely breathe, let alone respond.
"You have to tell them," Seth says again, nodding, certain. So fucking certain. "You have to. What's the point in loving that person, in feeling as much as one claims to be feeling if you don't tell them? God, Ryan, I loved Summer for so long and it took me a while to tell her, yes, dude, but when I did? It was amazing. I was relieved. This... weight had been lifted and she knew and it was great. It was more than great, it was perfect. It felt like I loved her even more, like I could love her no more."
What does he know about love? You close your eyes for a second before opening them again. What does he know about loving and not saying a word?
He didn't live with Summer. He didn't share a house with her. She wasn't his best friend. He didn't spend every day with her, together. Seth didn't have to help her get dates. Seth didn't--
You just don't know, you think, bitterly, and you shake your head.
"You don't have to tell hi-- to tell them. You don't." Ryan's voice doesn't sound as confident as Seth, but this is as good as it gets right now, so it'll have to do. "You can love them. I mean, you can love them and not tell them. Why should you?"
Seth snorts at the absurdity of the question, apparently, and Ryan bites down on his lower lip just as he clenches one hand into a fist inside his pocket. "Dude, because... because they deserve to know."
Suddenly, this has become a debate which your life depends on, and you're not backing down. Your chest hurts, your throat is dry and you can barely speak. Your hands are sweating all of sudden, sweating so much you have to rub them against the insides of your pockets, and you take a deep breath. It hurts, breathing hurts as well as everything around you, in you, and God, it hurts.
Why is he doing this to you?
He doesn't know, yes, he doesn't, and you don't wish that he knew, not now, not ever, but that doesn't mean he can attack you like that.
You don't want to tell him, never have. God, why is he asking this now?
Ryan shakes his head. His hand unclenches and is clenched back in a second.
One of the songs you heard barely two hours ago runs through your mind
And I couldn't hide from those eyes
as brown eyes blink and stare at you and you wonder how in the world you remember that line. Seth's head is tilted and he's frowning and he's looking at you like you've sprouted a new head, as though you're making no sense to him.
You're making no sense to yourself either, actually.
"No, they don't," Ryan says, his words harsher than intended. He pushes himself off the banister and takes a step backwards, as if he needs to put space between the two of them. He does, but he wouldn't never say that either. "You don't need to tell them."
"Why not? Don't they deserve to know?"
"Know what?!" Ryan's voice raises, getting higher in his anxiety, desperation, borderline hysteria, take your pick. And he shakes his head once again, taking another step backwards. His gaze shifts from the front door of the house next door, closed, back to Seth. He hopes something happens to take the attention out of his stupid conversation.
You shouldn't have let him get into this subject. You should have thought in advance, known Seth would want to talk about this, as adamant as he is about everything else, and he wouldn't let it go until he got a straight answer from you.
An answer that is nothing if not straight, an answer that you can't give.
"They don't have to know." Ryan repeats, not thinking clearly, not coming up with new reasons. God. "You told her because you wanted to, Seth, but other people can choose to keep quiet."
"Dude, this is what you don't get. If you, or me, or anyone for that matter, actually loves another person as you claim to--"
Ryan's breath catches in his throat before letting out shaky sigh. "I'm not claiming anything, Seth, goddamnit--"
"Dude, I'm just saying. Anyway, if you are. Or if I am, let's say, in love with someone as much as I am, as I used to be with Summer, well, then, I have to tell them." He nods, as sure in his answer as he can be. He keeps on nodding. "Because if I don't, if I don't tell them and just keep quiet and pretend that nothing really is going on, then, well, I don't love them at all. You don't love them at all."
"What the f--?" Ryan bites down the curse on the last second, shaking his head. "This is insane. Loving someone has nothing to do with words. It has a lot to do with love and feeling and... stuff, but not words. Why should you say anything? Telling them will not change anything. All it would do is make things worse."
It would wreck everything, Seth, so shut up.
"It shouldn't matter."
Seth's too calm in his response and that only makes you angrier.
Your throat is tight and the back of your eyes sting, and your forehead hurts, and your hands keep on trembling as you take them out of your pockets. You shake your head, running one hand through your hair. Everything inside of you is shaking.
You're mad, you realize. You're mad at him and his stupid beliefs because no, just because you haven't told him it doesn't mean you love him any less than he has loved anyone. If anything, you love him more. You've had to put up with his shit, with him dating Anna and Summer and babbling over Reed and being with Alex even if it was brief. You were there and you stood by him as he tried to win Summer back.
Fuck, you actually helped him. You talked Lindsey into going on a date with him because of him. Because he wanted it. You've done nothing if not love him. You've done nothing if not make sure he's happy and this is how he repays you? By telling you your feelings are nothing, are not good enough, just because you haven't told him?
Fuck you.
"Fuck you, Seth."
Seth frowns, blinking, and Ryan grins. He's confused. Good. Perfect.
Asshole, you think. Asshole.
"Fuck you." Ryan says, again, looking at Seth with something bordering on hatred or anger or frustration or maybe it's everything combine. His hands are still shaking on either side of him, his lower lip under his teeth, the back of his eyes stinging and his jaw clenched.
How dare he? How fucking dare he?
You're here, hurting because of him, because of what he said, of how much you fucking love him, and he fucking says that?
Fuck you.
"Dude, what the he--?"
He doesn't finish his sentence, and you're already turning away.
Ryan shakes his head, biting down on his lip harder, not caring about the pain. It's nothing compared with everything else at the moment.
You blink and your resolve deludes into the air. You grimace, your back to him, as you push the kitchen door open. Grabbing the car keys, you walk into the living room. You make your way toward the front door and you wipe a hand over your cheek. You shake your head. Pointless now. Stupid and fucking pointless.
God. Oh, fuck. God.
Your lower lip trembles and you let it. Your eyes are finally giving up on you and they sting and you wipe at your cheeks once again. You hear Seth call for you but you don't turn around.
Ryan sighs, closes the front door after him and trots toward the car.
Seth won't know what he did wrong. He'll call Ryan's cell, try to ask him, wonder and maybe ask for forgiveness after he realizes Ryan won't be able to tell him a thing.
Well, good.
I love you, you think, you spit inside your mind as you climb into the car. I fucking love you and it has nothing to do with whether or not you know it. I love you. Period.
You sigh and shake your head and don't look at the mirror as you turn on the ignition. Your pathetic face will look back at you and you don't want to see that. You don't want to see your red eyes and your whole body and soul crumbling over something as stupid as what Seth believes one should do when in love. He doesn't know what love is. He doesn't know what longing for a person who won't ever fucking see you is. So he doesn't have a say.
You curse under your breath and sigh. You shake your head and drive out of the driveway. You blink and wipe at your eyes once again as they blur, making your way down the street and not looking back.
Part five: Sound
Part seven: Surrender
There is no before