Angles
by M. F. Luder
Seth sits down next to Ryan. "You okay?" He asks quietly.
Ryan looks up from the book in his hand that he's been pretending to read for the past thirty minutes. He blinks as he stares at Seth for a moment before nodding. "Yeah. I'm fine."
Seth doesn't buy it. "Ryan--"
Throwing the book onto the bed, Ryan stands up, walking over to the kitchen island. "Seth--"
"I know you don't want to talk about this--"
Ryan lifts an eyebrow.
"-- but I thought that maybe talking would help. I mean, dude, I'm sure we can come up with something."
"Theresa told her mom."
Seth looks up, staring at Ryan. "What?"
Ryan sighs, hands gripping the edge of the island tightly, head down. He can't believe he's going to have to say this. He can't believe he has to leave. "She told her mom. She's going back to Chino. Tomorrow."
"Wow. Dude." Seth nods appreciatively, the corners of his lips curling upward in a small smile. "I mean, that's great, right? I mean, you were worried about her, about where she'd stay and all that, but you don't have to worry about that anymore. She's going back home. That's cool. That's--"
"I'm going with her."
The words cause Seth to freeze in the moment, the smile dying on his lips as he closes his eyes, his brain seeming to shut off.
There's nothing inside but silence. Then, in a second, the words start going, round and round in the blackness that's his mind at the moment.
I'm going with her.
Each word shoots at his chest, making a hole that burns through flesh and blood.
Blood. Seth can almost see the blood tingeing the blackness within.
Seth has never hated someone as much as he hates Theresa in that moment.
Theresa, for coming here looking for Ryan. Ryan already had a life, why the hell did Theresa have to come and screw that up?
He hates Eddie, for being a jackass. For hitting Theresa. If he hadn't laid a hand on her, they'd be married now. They'd be married and Ryan wouldn't feel responsible for her.
Seth hates Marissa. Hating her comes even easier. Well, Seth hasn't thought about hating her. Disliking her, yes. Disapproving of Ryan's relationship with her, of course. But no hate. Never hate.
This time, Seth sees red. Because this is all Marissa's fault. This is all her fault. If she hadn't gone after Oliver, if she hadn't become friends with that psycho, then they wouldn't have broken up and Ryan wouldn't have slept with Theresa, and then there wouldn't be the question about parenting.
I'm going with her.
With a shaky breath that leaves his parted lips, Seth wonders if he doesn't hate himself, too.
"Why?"
The word comes out as much a surprise for Ryan as it does for Seth.
Seth opens his eyes, staring at Ryan as he asks once again. "Why? Why do you have to leave?"
"Seth," Ryan starts, trying to explain. "I have to."
Seth shakes his head. "No, you don't."
Ryan lets out a frustrated sigh under his breath. There's no easy way to explain this, to try to get his point across. He figures there won't be a way at all. "Don't do this."
"Do what?" Seth's voice rises with each passing word. "Do what? It's not your fault she got pregnant."
"It might be mine."
"And it might not be." Seth tries to grab at every single thread. "It might not be yours. Why do you have to leave?"
"Seth--"
"No, I know what you're gonna say, dude, and you're wrong."
Ryan frowns, looking at Seth.
"You think you have to protect her. You think it's your job. Well, guess what, it's not." Seth swallows thickly because his chest is suddenly very tight. "It's not."
There are words he doesn't say, doesn't even think about pronouncing.
You job is to stay here. With us.
With me.
You life is here.
With me.
You are meant to be here.
With me.
He doesn't say anything but rather bites down his lip as he gazes into Ryan's eyes. Seth has to do this, to make Ryan understand because if he doesn't, then Ryan will leave and Seth doesn't know how he'll live with that.
"You don't have to go."
"There's no other way," Ryan's voice is low and tired. He has thought about this long and hard and this seemingly horrible and unthinkable option is the only one he can find. "I have to."
"No, she can stay."
"She doesn't want to."
"You don't have to go."
"I have to help her."
Seth grimaces when he finds himself short of words, turning around, a choked scream dying in his throat.
"You have to stay," Seth whispers, ducking his head. He closes his eyes. He doesn't want to look at Ryan as he begs. "You have to."
"I wish I could."
Ryan swallows thickly, taking a step forward. His hand hovers in the air for a moment. He wishes he could touch Seth's shoulder and tell him everything will be fine. That Seth will be fine.
He wishes he could promise he'll be back, that Seth can visit. That they can be who they used to be. Only, he can't. None of that can be promised.
With a sigh, his hand falls onto Seth's shoulder and he squeezes.
"Stay."
The word is nothing more than a whisper, but for Ryan it's enough.
Ryan shakes his head.
Seth looks over his shoulder and into Ryan's eyes.
Stay, they seem to whisper, to beg. Please, for me, stay.
I can't. Ryan presses his lips together, his eyes burning. I'd do anything if I could, but I can't.
Seth's lips in a painful grimace, his eyes blurring, he leans over and captures Ryan's mouth in his.
Don't go, Seth thinks as he kisses Ryan forcefully, passionately. His hands seize Ryan's face in a vigorous grip.
Please. Stay.
Seth's fingers tremble, tears falling from closed eyelids.
Ryan's whimper is silenced by Seth's kiss and he, tentatively, reaches for Seth's waist.
I can't.
He laces one finger on Seth's belt as his other hand clutches the skin under Seth's shirt.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I can't.
A moment later, Ryan pulls away and takes two steps back, as if burned by the kiss. It's the touching, the mere desire not to stop, not to go. To stay with Seth, here, forever.
Maybe it has. Maybe the kisses and passion, the love that crushes his heart so tightly, has burned his skin, as if tattooing its property. As if he now bears the scars of something too deep for words.
Seth shakes his head. His eyes plead.
Ryan takes a deep shaky breath. He turns around, leaving the pool house, not looking behind.
Seth closes his eyes because he can't endure staring at Ryan's back as he leaves.
His hands still shaking, Seth walks out of the pool house and into the house. He climbs the stairs, passes his parent's bedroom where they are talking quietly, and enters his room.
He sits down on the bed, reaching onto the nightstand for his Ipod. He puts the earphones on, turns it on and closes his eyes.
Seth won't say anything, nor ask again. He won't beg, for he has done it already.
He will only wait here, eyes closed and heart beating furiously, for Ryan to walk in and say his goodbyes.
Seth will pretend not to miss him and when Ryan leaves, Seth will go as well.
Finished: February 7th, 2005.