As it is
by M. F. Luder
Normality has never been for him.
For him, normality is strange and it's ever changing. He doesn't get attached to things because getting attached means having to let go at some point. He's learned to deal with that too, but he doesn't like it. He'd rather not get that close.
Distance is better.
Still, with the Cohens, it's even harder. He doesn't know how to put distance between him and Sandy when Sandy calls him son and places his arm around Ryan's shoulder.
It's impossible to tell himself that he won't mind losing them when Kirsten smiles at him and pats his shoulder. The way she looks at him, like she cares. The way she hugs him sometimes, like she misses him.
Ryan tells himself he can do this. He tells himself time will prove him right. Nothing lasts forever. Especially for him. His life seems too good, too perfect.
It can't last.
For everything wrong he's ever done, he'll pay. He's been paying for the past several years.
He started smoking when he was twelve. His father gets arrested.
He started drinking at thirteen. His mother's drinking got worse.
He slept with Theresa at fourteen. There isn't money to buy food.
Trey steals a car. Ryan gets arrested.
Only, this time, something shifted. Due to his arrest, he met Sandy.
Something good. He doesn't answer under the new rules. He tries to, he really does, but he doesn't.
He gets into a fight with Luke and Kirsten takes him in?
He burns down a house, he gets adopted?
Ryan's waiting for things to shift again. He's waiting.
A month goes by. Kirsten gets him another tux. "You'll need it."
Two months. Sandy takes him to the beach. "You have to learn to surf."
Six months. Seth spends more time in Ryan's room than in his own. "Dude, this place is way cooler."
He keeps on waiting.
Ryan doesn't get into any more fights, drink heavily, or do drugs. He arrives home at eleven on school nights, no later than one on the weekends. Ryan makes sure he's with Seth most of the time, afraid something might happen to the boy if he's alone.
He tries being good and it actually works.
His grades are good and he feels like he can actually breathe. He thinks maybe the waiting has stopped. Maybe he doesn't need to wait for the other shoe to drop.
Until, finally, it does.
Before the school year ends. The day after Kirsten tells him that maybe the pool house is too far away from the house, too lonely and too bright, maybe he should move into the room next to Seth. A week after Sandy gives him a credit card of a small account, Seth having a twin card, for emergencies, of course. Things change.
That day, Sandy leaves earlier. Kirsten will be back late. Seth doesn't blabber as much. And in the afternoon, when Ryan enters the living room, Seth doesn't smile. He doesn't ask to play video games.
Ryan waits. The other shoe. He stands straight, jaw set and shoulders upright. The other shoe.
Seth stands up. Ryan waits.
Seth doesn't blink and Ryan knows what will be said. An apology, an excuse and justification. He needs neither. He wants more.
Instead, Seth's hand cups Ryan's cheek and promises are made, endearments are said and love is whispered.
"I can't take it. No more. Please. Love. Everything. Forever."
It's a litany of words. Ryan barely understands them. Foreign words. New meaning.
Unbelievable.
But hands caress and the words seem true. Ryan wants them to be true.
"No more."
Ryan nods.
"My love."
Ryan swallows.
"Mine."
Ryan understands.
"This. Forever."
Ryan knows. No more change. Unacceptable. No more change, not this time.
Finished: July 5th, 2004.