Changes
by M. F. Luder
i.
"You really want me to do this?"
Seth turns around, staring at Ryan for a moment. "Dude, of course."
His gaze shifts to the back of Lindsey, future Mrs. Seth Cohen, and he grins.
"I'm telling you Ryan, my man, she and I? We have a future together." He pauses in the middle of the hallway, students coming and going as the morning starts.
The action is so sudden, when Ryan looks to his left, Seth is no longer there and he's forced to take two steps back.
Seth has his eyes closed, arms placed languidly against his side, face turned upwards and if Ryan didn't know him any better, he would say Seth was smelling the air.
Actually, Ryan does know him better than that and he's certain Seth is smelling the air.
Ryan rolls his eyes.
"Seth?"
Eyes still closed, Seth tilts his head slightly to the right. "Yes?"
"Class."
He opens his eyes, gazes at Ryan and nods. "Oh, yeah, sure. Class. I get you, dude."
Ryan shakes his head, and he isn't sure if it's because of the whole smelling the air thing or the fact that he became the friendly pimp neighbor.
They don't say much as they walk and Ryan realizes they are going to the second floor when Seth's Literature class is on the first floor. AP Physics is on the second floor.
Ryan bites his lower lip to keep the grin off his face. He'll count his blessings where he can.
They pause before the door and Seth tilts his head, smiling.
Ryan smiles back.
He wants to lean over and kiss this boy.
He wants to tell him the truth.
Ryan wants to tell him he loves him.
His smile trembles before it disappears completely.
"I'll ask her," Ryan says as Seth nods.
Bitterness making his mouth sour, Ryan turns around and enters the classroom.
ii.
He taps his pencil against the edge of the table, almost idly, though in the back of his mind he knows this is a very Seth thing to do.
He stops.
He can't do this. He really can't.
It was easy to tell Seth he could go and ask Lindsey. It was easy because Seth was asking him and Ryan really can't say no to Seth, he never could.
But now, sitting in the middle of AP Physics, he doesn't think he can do it.
He looks over his shoulder. Lindsey is sitting there, head down, eyes focused on the book she's going through. They have a paper due in two days and he still hasn't finished reading up on the very interesting world of Resonance.
He bites his lower lip, almost hard enough to draw blood.
Seth asked him. Seth told Ryan that he wanted to go out with Lindsey.
Seth asked him, and Ryan can't refuse Seth anything.
He stands up, quickly, before he loses his nerve and makes his way to Lindsey's seat.
She looks up to him, blue eyes staring right into him, expectantly.
He gives her a grin, squatting by the side of the table. "So..."
She nods, impatience visible in her eyes. "So?"
Why does Seth want to go out with her?
She's impatient. She's bossy. She's loud. She's a school-aholic. She doesn't like comics. She doesn't like The Clash.
She wouldn't let herself to be dragged into a store and browse through comics for two hours, looking for one Seth might have missed.
She wouldn't lay down with him in the bed and hear him talk.
She wouldn't read a book just because Seth told her to do so.
She wouldn't be there for him.
She wouldn't understand him.
She wouldn't love him.
Not like Ryan loves Seth.
Ryan grins. "So, I really don't understand Resistance. Do you think we could do the paper together?"
She frowns, pauses, and then nods. "Hmm. Sure. Don't worry."
Ryan smiles at her. There are thing she'll never know.
He likes it like that.
Two hours later, when Seth meets Ryan outside the classroom and his eyes travel to Lindsey's turned back, Ryan tells himself he's not clenching his hand in his pocket.
"So, you asked her?"
Ryan nods with a straight face, his eyes sincere. "Yeah, sorry. She's seeing someone."
"Oh."
Seth almost pouts, but Ryan knows it'll go away. Two hours playing Playstation today and it'll go away.
Ryan pats him in the back. "Sorry."
Seth shrugs. "Nah, it's ok. At least I tried."
The corner of Ryan's lower lip curls upward. "Yeah, you tried. So, what are we doing tonight?"
iii.
Putting on the beige button-down shirt, Ryan looks at himself in the mirror. His hair is combed, his shirt is iron and he looks presentable for his date with Alex. He snorts.
Great, like this is what he had wanted to do on a Wednesday night. He still has the Physics homework to get done, and Calculus, and the Literature test next week. He has papers to finish and books to read. And if not for the dates, he would have spent the night with Seth, playing Nintendo.
He shakes his head and considers banging it against the wall. His fault, really, to ask Lindsey in Seth's name. He could have not done it. Lindsey could have said no. Seth could have seen him instead of Lindsey.
Ryan runs his hand through his hair and tells himself to stop.
Biting the inside of his cheek, he turns around and walks to the bed, pulling his shoes from underneath and finishes getting ready.
As he makes his way toward Seth’s room, he tries to talk himself into actually looking forward to his date. He can't.
He knocks on the door twice before opening it slowly. Seth's standing by the bed, putting on the red t-shirt over the long sleeved one. That's Seth's style. Ryan likes it. He's certain Lindsey won't.
"Dude," Seth says, looking at Ryan as he pulls the shirt down, accommodating the sleeves. "You ready for our date?"
Ryan swallows. Not the way he would have put it, no. "I thought it was a group hang?"
Seth grins. "Yeah, well, still. You know what I mean."
Ryan rolls his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever. You ready?"
Frowning slightly, he stares at Ryan. "You ok?"
Ryan's jaw sets. He nods. "Yeah, I'm fine."
Somehow, Seth doesn't buy it. "Dude, you don't look ok. You look anything but ok. What's the antonym of ok?" He pauses, thinking before continuing, "You looked bummed."
"I'm telling you, I'm fine."
It takes a minute for Seth to understand the reasons behind Ryan's reluctance on the date. "Ohh.... dude, I know. I get it."
Ryan swallows nervously, his throat tight. "You do?"
Seth nods, proudly. "Yeah, sure, it's easy to see, you know. I'm not blind."
No, no, of course not. Ryan ducks his head.
"I mean, dude, I'm sorry. I didn't know you liked Lindsey. You could have told me. You could have not set the date, you know?"
Ryan blinks, repeating the sentence in his mind before rolling his eyes. Yes, of course, Seth had to go and think that. Ryan likes Lindsey, certainly, because Ryan can't possibly like Seth instead. He snorts. This is destiny fucking with him, he knows. This is everything fucking with him, like it isn't bad enough he's in love with his friend.
His teeth hurt as he presses them together. "I don't," he grunts.
"Dude, you don't have to lie to me."
"I'm not."
"Dude!"
"Seth, let it go, ok?"
"No, no way. Ryan, if you really like her, it's cool, dude. I can deal."
Ryan rolls his eyes. There's not much he can say that will convince Seth, so he doesn't. "Let's go." He turns around.
Seth reaches out, hand taking hold of Ryan's forearm.
Ryan jerks his arm away, taking a step back.
"Ryan!"
"I'm fine, goddamit, what part of that didn't you get?"
Seth nods, slowly, staring at Ryan as he ducks his head and runs a hand through his hair. He knows Ryan. And there's something about that stance that should give Ryan away. Seth should be able to see it.
He blinks, he shifts, he looks over his shoulder, he turns to the right and his eyes lose focus. And suddenly, everything is clear.
"Ryan--?" The question is low on his lips.
Ryan swallows thickly and he grimaces. It looks like every single movement is painful for him.
Seth has an idea why that is.
"Seth, let's just--"
Ryan's about to turn around and Seth reaches out for him once again.
This time when Ryan turns back, Seth's other hand grasps Ryan's shoulder. Seth leans over and kisses him, slowly at first, almost tentatively, but as Ryan whimpers against Seth's lips, the kiss deepens.
Ryan's lips almost tremble against Seth's and it feels comfortable, easy. It feels like Seth has been doing this for years and knows the soft lips like he knows his own name.
Seth will know Ryan's lips like he knows his own name.
iv.
Ryan looks down at the band, the music barely making its way into Ryan's mind.
Slowly, he turns his head to the left, gaze falling onto Seth and Lindsey by the bar. He bites down on his lower lip.
"You're not fooling me, you know?"
Surprised, Ryan turns to look at Alex. "What?"
She smiles. "I've seen the way you look at him." She tilts her head, grinning. "And I've seen the way he's been looking at you all night." She frowns. "Actually, I think he's been staring at you since I've met him. Weird, I should have seen this coming. I usually sense these kind of things, you know?"
Ryan blinks, trying to process what she's saying.
She winks at Ryan. "Go on. Go after him. I won't mind. It's a group hang, you know? Couples can shift."
Ryan pauses before ducking his head. "I'm sorry, this--"
"Nah, don't worry about it. I'm not taking it personally. I'm very confident in my sexuality. Now, go on."
Ryan nods, turning around. Her hand on his arm makes him look at her over his shoulder.
She smirks, looking utterly entertained. "You'll make a cute couple. Thought you'd like to know."
He blushes, clearing his throat. "Thanks," he mutters before walking away and down the spiral staircase.
Seth leaves Lindsey by the bar and walks toward the door. He takes a deep breath, leaning by the rail.
Now, that girl knows the word foresight, and woman's intuition does kick ass, if he must say so himself.
He shakes his head. He's an idiot. It's one thing to bore your date with pointless stories about your ex-girlfriends. He could have done that. He could have talked nonstop about Summer and no one would have hated him.
But to talk nonstop about Ryan?
That's not right. On so many levels. He shouldn't have done it. After the first hour of telling Lindsey how him and Ryan met, about the pancake tour and the Playstation tournaments, Seth should have called it quits. He really should have.
"Hey."
He looks over his shoulder at Ryan, walking out of the Bait Shop, looking almost as confused as he feels. "Hey," Seth says back. "How was your night?"
Ryan shrugs nonchalantly, almost shaking his head. "Not good. You?"
Seth blows his breath through barely parted lips. "Worse."
Yep. This group hang was a stupid idea.
Seth clears his throat. "You didn't like Alex?"
Ryan shakes his head. "Nah. And you and Lindsey?"
Seth shakes his head. "Ahhh... not even close. Lindsey is not the future Mrs. Seth Cohen."
And if Lindsey's witty comments about Seth's devotion for Ryan in comparison to Alexander and Hephaestion are any indication, there probably won't ever be a Mrs. Seth Cohen.
Great. His name will die with him. His dad will kill him.
Ryan smiles, softly, staring right into Seth's eyes. His heart does a fluttery leap. "You wanna go home?"
"Yep," he says, turning around.
They make their way to the parking lot side by side and Seth has to place his hands in his pockets not to rest his arm over Ryan's shoulders.
"So..."
Seth sighs. "So..."
Ryan chuckles. "You're quiet tonight."
"It was a very quiet night. Quiet, Ryan, my man, was the keyword during this date. Quiet."
Yes, misdirection is necessary, and Lindsey did tell Seth she wouldn't talk with Ryan about their non-date and Seth's dreamy tone. He closes his eyes shut. Dreamy tone. He didn't have a dreamy tone. He looks to his right at Ryan's jaw and the contour of his lips.
Seth swallows. Hmm, okay, maybe there was a dreamy tone.
Ryan stops by the Range Rover, pulling the keys out of his pocket. He pauses. Alex said she had seen Seth staring at him, and not only tonight. Ryan doubts it.
He looks up. Seth's standing by the passenger door, head tilted, humming a tune under his breath. Ryan only recognizes the song because Seth plays it constantly. Changes by Three Doors Down.
Well, maybe it's time. He closes his hand on the keys and makes his way around the car, toward Seth.
Seth looks up, eyes boring into Ryan. "Dude?"
Ryan closes his eyes as he pauses before Seth. He leans forward and kisses him.
It takes Seth a moment to respond, shocked at feeling Ryan's lips on his. A second later, when Ryan's tongue licks his upper lip, Seth's brain kicks in and he kisses Ryan back.
Ryan grins against the kiss. He places his forearms on Seth's shoulders as Seth rests his hands on Ryan's hips.
Seth starts nibbling on the corner of Ryan's lips.
Ryan's hands go numb, fingers loosening and the keys fall from his hand. Neither Ryan nor Seth notice.
Finished: March 5th, 2005.