Concupiscence
by M. F. Luder
con·cu·pis·cence
n.A strong desire, especially sexual desire.
First, there were three
Seth had never liked being an only child. Maybe it's because it was never easy for him to make new friends. He had seen other kids do it, walk up to a bunch of classmates as school started a new year, introduce themselves and become fast friends with them. Seth could never do that.
He tried it, once. A long time ago. He was six. He walked up to a boy with blond hair and blue eyes, jaw square and a little bit taller than him. Seth smiled at the boy and asked his name.
The kid looked at him and snorted. "Whatever."
Seth had watched the kid turn around and walk away, to his group of friends. Later on, Seth found out the kid's name was Luke.
After that, it was easier to just have lunch by himself and pay close attention to class, do his homework in his free period. Having lots of friends wasn't for him. Not really. Instead, he asked his parents for new Playstation games, and a raise in his allowance, so he could buy comics.
And at dinner, every now and then, he'd ask his parents for a brother. Even a sister would do, as long as she kept him company and played with him. He would even play with Barbies, if she wanted.
His mom smiled at him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "You'll find a friend, sweetie. I know you will."
He believed her, because she's his mom and boys always believe their moms. But Seth still thought she was wrong.
Then, there were four
Seth never knew friendship could be like this.
At some point, they fell into a comfortable routine. They have breakfast together. They go to school, have lunch, head back home. They do their homework on the kitchen table, side by side. When they are done, they play either in the den, or with the new X-Box in the pool house.
It doesn't matter, as long as they are together. They spend most of their days together, and most of their nights. They stay up late, watching TV, going through the DVD collection, or playing video games.
One night, Seth lays down on Ryan's bed, the soft glow of the TV the only light in the room, and his gaze shifts to Ryan's profile, the movie long ago having fallen to background noise.
He remembers a time of yearning for a friend, of blowing birthday candles and having to wait another year for his wish to come true, but Seth brushes the memory away. A memory now, nothing but a memory.
He tilts his head, eyes carving in his mind the way Ryan's hair falls to the side, blue eyes wide open, the curve of his nose, thin lips barely parted. He has Ryan now, has had him for a while, and Seth decided, probably decided the minute Ryan walked into the den and he asked Ryan to play with him, he's not letting Ryan go.
This is his friend. Seth's friend. No one else's. And that's the way Seth wants it.
Ryan turns around after a moment, one eyebrow raised, eyes catching Seth's. Seth doesn't say anything, but feels a soft blush making its way to his cheeks. Ryan smiles, barely a curl of his lips, but it's enough. Seth smiles back because, really, how can he not.
Now, there are two
It all started with a simple kiss.
They were sitting at the table, doing homework. Seth flipped through the pages of the Algebra book, trying to understand the principles of math as he wondered why exactly he was being forced to study this. His gaze shifted to his notebook, number one inside a box, the first equation written beside it, as it had been for the last twenty minutes. Seth's brain, apparently, couldn't even digest what the exercise was trying to tell him to do.
He worried he might have to ask Ryan for help. He looked up from his book, brown eyes falling onto Ryan's bend head, and he smiled.
Ryan was writing something done, hand barely pausing for a minute, and Seth imagined Ryan coming up with a solution to a complex equation that went way over Seth's head. Ryan's right hand tapped against the table, every other breath.
Seth swallowed thickly, left hand closing into a fist. Before he lost his nerve, he reached out and took Ryan's hand in his.
Ryan looked up, startled, one eyebrow lifted. "Seth?"
Seth gave him a shaky smile, hand tightening around Ryan's, before leaning over and placing a kiss on the back of Ryan's palm. He heard Ryan take in a shuddering breath. He smiled against Ryan's hand.
Squeezing it softly, he let go of the hand and stood up. Ryan sat there, looking up at Seth, as Seth stood up before him. "Ryan..."
Ryan took a deep breath before standing up, chair being pushed back carelessly.
Seth gazed into Ryan's eyes, suddenly nervous, not certain of his actions. His left hand reached out, again, and he took Ryan's right hand. He stared down at their joined hands, at the way Ryan's hand seemed to fit with his own, and he intertwined their fingers.
Seth squeezed his hand, hard, before taking another step closer. He could almost feel Ryan's breath against his lips.
Ryan opened his mouth to say something, but the words died in his lips as Seth kissed him. Lips met, tentatively, before the kiss found confidence.
When they pulled apart, Ryan was almost panting. Seth couldn't help but grin.
Ryan sighed, their foreheads touching. "I can't breathe," he whispered, his voice low, doubtful.
Seth nodded, his right hand touching Ryan's waist before falling onto his lower back, pulling him close. "Neither can I."
After a moment, Ryan placed his arms around Seth's waist and leaned forward in a comfortable embrace.
Now, Seth thought with a smile and a kiss to Ryan's cheek, it's just us.
Finished: January 17th, 2005.
