In the light of her eyes
by M. F. Luder
for Vera
I.
Kirsten turns around the corner and walks into her study, finding the blueprints on her desk.
"Aha!" She says, a glare in her eyes, because she had known she'd need them for her five o'clock meeting with the owner of the property and yet she had forgotten them.
She grabs them and turns around on her heels. It's already past four and she'll be cutting it close as it is. Picking up her briefcase from the couch in the living room, she hears the doorbell ring. Frowning, she pauses for a second before opening the door.
There's a woman standing there, a woman she recognizes. Kirsten's breath catches in her throat. Luisa Herrera. Theresa's mother.
Kirsten blinks, her left hand curling tighter around the blueprints. Mrs. Herrera has a child, a little girl no older than two, held protectively against her chest, baby bag over her shoulder. The same child Kirsten had seen in Theresa's arms last year at the airport.
Kirsten can feel her chest tightening, motherly instinct taking on the woman's features, the very sadness in her eyes.
She'll have to call her secretary. She knows she won't make the meeting.
Seth gets his keys out of his pockets and into the lock, thinking about the stupid five hundred page book he's barely a hundred pages into that needs to be read by Friday and it's already Wednesday afternoon. He's going to end up pulling an all nighter, he just knows it, and if that doesn't suck--
He pauses, frowning as he doe so, hearing the commotion. Coming from Ryan's bedroom. Weird, he was sure Ryan had a late class today. Railroads Engineering, probably. Seth was planning on reading while waiting for Ryan to arrive at nine and have some take out.
Letting his bag drop on the couch, he makes his way down the hallway and to Ryan's bedroom. He stands by the threshold, watching Ryan grab a handful of shirts and shove them into an opened bag on his bed.
"Ryan?"
Ryan looks up long enough for Seth to see the tightness in the corners of Ryan's eyes, the thinness of his lips. Anxiousness, written plainly in a language Seth has learned to read over the years.
Ryan turns around and shakes his head even as he picks up two pairs of pants from the drawers of his dresser. He stands by the side of the bed, before the bag, and breathes hard as he looks down at the bundle in his hands.
Seth takes a step forward, pausing when Ryan groans in the back of his throat and throws the jeans at the furthest wall, making a dull sound before falling to the floor.
Seth swallows, head tilted to the side, eyes blinking rapidly. He can almost feel the anger emanating from Ryan's very body heat. "Ryan? What--?"
"She lied to me." Ryan's voice is low and dry and hollow. It makes Seth ache in places that only seem awake around Ryan. "Again." Ryan laughs, a --"
Ryan grimaces, shaking his head once. Seth sighs, finally, and crosses the space. He hesitates as he stands next to Ryan, his knee touching the lower corner of the bed.
"I don't understand," he says, because, really, he doesn't. "Who--?"
"Theresa," Ryan grits through his teeth, like the name tastes bitter in his tongue. "Fuck," he mutters, shaking his head again and walking around the bed to the other side of the room, to the fallen jeans.
Seth knows Ryan. He knows whatever it is that's going on doesn't allow him to get out more than three words at a time, but this is too much. He needs to understand, to see if he has to pack as well or he can buy clothes wherever it is they are going.
Ryan picks up the jeans with a yank and shoves them into the bag. Seth grabs Ryan's forearm, forcing him to look at him in the eye. "Ryan."
Ryan looks back at him, the whites in his eyes a pinkish color that does nothing to reassure Seth. "Danielle is my daughter."
Seth swallows, his hand going slack, and Ryan zips the bag forcefully. He doesn't need to pack. He still has clothes back at his parents' house.
It's Seth who checks them in at the airport, tags their bags, and talks with the counter agent as he picks up the tickets he reserved by phone in the car on the way here.
Ryan folds his arms over his chest, sinks his fingers into the soft skin on his forearms and hangs his head low. He hasn't said a word since they left the apartment they share at Berkeley.
Seth's left with the two clues of the story: Theresa and Danielle. That's more than enough to draw a conclusion. His mother called Ryan, whose first thought was to leave for Newport. Seth gets that. At least, Ryan took time to pack a bag, otherwise Seth wouldn't have known Ryan was leaving until he was well on his way to Newport.
Looking over his shoulder, Seth watches Ryan dig his nails further into his skin, waiting at the gate for their flight to be called. He can see Ryan's shoulders hunched in on his himself, slight shivers through his back Seth isn't certain if he's seeing or imagining them.
He wants to reach forward, touch Ryan's shoulder, slide his hand down to hold Ryan's own, intertwine their fingers. He closes his hand into a fist, tight as a bowstring on his shoulders. He's used to this, to holding back, years of looking the other way, biting back words and soft touches.
There's tiredness and fear and worry and a myriad of other emotions in the way Ryan shifts, in the tightness of his hold on his forearms, in the thin press of his lips. Seth's knuckles flex in his closed hand.
Their flight number is announced on the speakers. Seth allows himself to sigh, uncurl his fingers and touch Ryan's shoulder to get his attention.
Ryan blinks, turning to look at Seth with dull blue eyes. Something inside Seth recoils in pain.
"Come on," Seth says, his voice steady, the only part of him that is. "That's us."
Ryan swallows, holding his arms tighter, pushing his nails deeper into his forearms. It'll bruise tomorrow, but it doesn't matter as he watches a little girl of two sitting on the carpeted floor of the den, lifting a yellow block in her hands and looking at it like it's the most important thing in the world.
"Her name is Danielle Lara." Kirsten says, her voice coming from somewhere on Ryan's left.
Ryan closes his eyes, leaning heavily against the back of the couch. He takes a deep breath.
In his mind's eye, he can see Theresa looking back at him, white blouse and eyes as black as he remembers them, telling him, "Don't worry Ryan, she's not your daughter."
He asked her. Fuck. He went to her apartment to find out the truth, had seen that little girl in the babysitter's arms, then Theresa came over and told him -- fucking told him -- that it wasn't his child, but Eddie's. She told him she'd taken the paternity test, that--
"Mrs. Herrera said there was an accident. Some kid ran a red light."
He sighs again, opening his eyes, watching the girl look up at the ceiling, her eyebrows in a frown, biting her lower lip. He thinks he's seen that expression before, in the mirror, but he's not sure. In the back of his mind, where he's not pissed off at Theresa, he hopes she didn't feel a thing.
"She can't take care of the child," Kirsten continues, her voice low, wanting to reach out for him probably, not knowing how. "Theresa didn't have insurance, only three hundred in her banking account."
Ryan doesn't need to look over his shoulder. He knows Kristen and Sandy are standing somewhere behind him and to the side, Seth, with his chin on his opened palm. At least they are here, he tells himself. At least he's not alone.
"What do I do now?"
It's the final week of September. This is only his second semester in Berkeley. It still feels like he's trying to catch up, catch up. He has a lab report due on Friday, two tests next week. Winter break doesn't start until December 18th, after Resistance of Materials. He doesn't have the time, he doesn't have what it takes--
A hand on his shoulder, squeezing before letting go. "It'll be okay, son."
Ryan swallows. He's not so sure. He turns around, looking at Sandy looking back at him, conviction in his eyes. He bites his lower lip, can feel his eyebrows frowning and thinks of Danielle.
"How--?" The question is left in the air, in between one breath and the next.
Sandy smiles. "Don't worry. We'll figure something out."
Kirsten nods, standing behind Sandy. Her hand reaches for his forearm. Ryan has never felt more grateful for having them. "Why don't you pick her up?"
He blinks, hesitantly. He hasn't even touched her. All he did was walk into the house and stare at her sitting in the den, like she's been here all her life. Like she's been his daughter all his life. The thought catches in his throat.
He looks at her over his shoulder before taking an uncertain step closer. She hears him, looks back at him. Wide blue eyes, soft blond hair. How could he believe she wasn't his?
He squats before her, blinks at her. She blinks right back.
I knew your mother, he wants to tell her. Once upon a time, I loved her.
He bites his lower lip. She tilts her head.
You don't know me, he wants to whisper. But I'd like to get to know you.
He holds his breath, not knowing why. She blinks before reaching out her arms, opening and closing her small hands.
Ryan swallows thickly, nods and picks her up, holding her under her arms, standing up as he does so. He brings her to his chest, trying to find a comfortable position for the two of them. Trying to get used to the feeling of her against his chest, in his arms, in his embrace.
He settles her with her legs dangling, right arm underneath her bottom, left hand under her right armpit and holding her back.
Kirsten smiles at him, nodding. Sandy places his arm on her shoulder, pulling her to his side. Seth can't help but grin back at him.
Ryan takes in a shaky breath, his nose pressed against her hair pulled back in a pony tail. She smells unfamiliar, like vanilla and apples. He thinks he can get used to that smell.
Ryan's given the room next to Seth's. Danielle's asleep in the bed, curled to the side, thumb in her mouth. Kirsten told him not to worry, children often sleep in their parents' bed. The comment's still lodged in his throat.
They'll both return to Berkeley tomorrow morning, on the six am flight. Kirsten can take two days off from work; they can't miss class. She'll find them a bigger apartment, pay the lease and hire movers for the weekend. She'll buy things for Danielle, have them delivered to their new address. She and Sandy will bring Danni on Saturday morning, help them settle in, stay the weekend, a few more days if they need her to.
Kirsten makes it look too easy. Ryan doesn't think it should be easy at all.
He should lie down next to her. He should pull her to his arms, cradle her to his chest, but he's afraid he'll hurt her with his inexperience. Kirsten told him not to worry; Sandy told him everything will be alright. Seth told him he'd do just fine. Ryan still doesn't believe them.
Instead, he pulls a chair next to the bed and sits down. He pulls an afghan from the dresser an hour later, wrapping it around him. Around two in the morning, when his eyes start closing every other minute, his fear still weighing heavier than sleep, Seth walks into the room. Seth doesn't say anything, only pulls the other chair next to Ryan's. Seth brought his own comforter with him.
They sit silently as they watch over Danielle until ten after five, when they have to leave for the airport with Sandy. Kirsten stays with Danielle. The fear in Ryan's throat seems to settle in for a long stay.
II.
Ryan checks his watch as he arrives at the apartment, after five already. His Resistance of Materials class ran a bit late and then he had to Xerox some notes the professor left with the TA. He was supposed to be here at least a quarter to five.
He nods to the doorman, making his way to the elevator. He pushes the button for the sixth floor, leaning back against the wall. Seth won't be home until six, six thirty, from his Contemporary Author's class. He should be bringing take out with him. It has been three weeks since either of them has had the time to cook. If it's already been three weeks since Danni came to live with them, that's a mere coincidence.
As the doors slide open, Ryan walks out of the elevator and down the hallway, to apartment 608. He walks in and makes his way to the kitchen on his left. He leaves his backpack on top of the kitchen island, force of habit, and smiles as he glances at Danni, sitting before the big TV that holds the Playstation console, in what should be a living room but is their version of a den. She has her blocks with her, which she loves, making some kind of weird structure Ryan can't quite identify.
She hears him as he approaches, turning around to look at him. She blinks, not quite smiling, but Ryan can see the corners of her lips curled upwards. Seth says that that's how Ryan used to smile at them, back in the early days of his arrival to their family. Ryan's not certain, so he'll have to take Seth's words for it.
He smiles at her, squatting before her as she reaches for him, extending her arms and closing and opening her hands. He understands what she wants now, the same way he did that first day, and picks her up with an easiness bred of time spent with her.
He places his hand under her bottom, checking her diaper, making sure it's dry. It was Kirsten who taught them both how to change a diaper. Danielle's two years and eight months old, born on January 18th, 2005, and though Mrs. Herrera said she had been started on potty training, that's taken second place now. The change in her surroundings is bad enough without asking her for more. She hasn't spoken either. Kirsten's not worried, says it's understandable. Ryan can't help but worry about the very air around his daughter.
his daughter
Those two words are enough to make him realize that something has taken hold of his throat and will not let go.
"Mr. Atwood, good afternoon."
He turns around to greet Laura Davis, their babysitter/maid/savior. Commonly known as The Woman Who Shall Be Bowed Down To Upon Sight, because they could never have gotten through these past three weeks without dying, if it hadn't been for her. It's only mid October, but God, she's saved them. They knew they couldn't miss more class than strictly necessary, and Ryan can't miss any class if he wants to pass every single subject. He's having trouble understanding the math and the high level of physics as it is.
"Hey, Laura."
He would ask her to call him by name, but Kirsten totally opposed that, said that they should, at the very least, try to maintain a certain detachment. Ryan's still considering that. If she keeps being their angel/savior, he might end up owing her a year's salary.
"I was putting some laundry away in your room."
Ryan nods, smiling as he does so. She does the laundry and a bit of cleaning and taking care of Danni. Just for taking care of Danni, they should be paying her double. "Thanks."
Laura reaches for Danni, who's looking back at her with inquisitive blue eyes. Laura smiles. "Hey, it's your daddy. Say hi to Daddy."
Ryan swallows. Laura knows that Danni's mother died recently, that she had to move here from her mother's house, the main reason why two year old Danni is not speaking. "Laura--" The words are caught on his lips.
Danni doesn't have to call him that. Danni doesn't have to call him anything at all.
Laura nods, taking Danni's small hand in hers. "Yes, sweetie. That's Daddy. Say hi to Daddy, can you do that pumpkin? Say hi to Daddy."
Ryan holds his breath for reasons unknown to him. Danni doesn't say anything, and Ryan tells himself he wasn't expecting anything from her.
"It's okay," he says instead, giving Laura a tight nod. "It's okay."
Laura doesn't say anything, and after a moment, Ryan lets Laura know she can leave. The woman knows it's nothing personal, that he likes to spend as much time as he can with Danni, considering he's taking four classes this semester and he's only known her three weeks.
Seth arrives, at a quarter after six to find Ryan sitting on the floor before the TV, leaning back against the couch. Danni's not really watching TV, head tilted to the side, sitting in between Ryan's spread legs. She's more caught up on her Glowball. The toy is pretty cool, a squashy ball that has lots of small coloured spheres inside a stretchy skin, and when Danni squeezes it, the Glowball lights up, the smaller balls changing colors, from green to orange, and she adores it.
The show -- Discovery channel, because at the very least Danni should learn something from the TV -- it's something about mega constructions, and Ryan would be watching it, probably even taking notes, if he didn't have to finish this article for his Railroads class tomorrow.
Seth leans against the wall between the den and the hallway that leads to the bedrooms, arms folded on his chest. Ryan smiles at him, leaning his head back as far as it can go and hearing something pop. It doesn't hurt, but that's maybe because his whole back hurts by now.
"I brought Thai."
Ryan sighs, something uncoiling inside him. His hands move to Danni with ease of practice, being more comfortable now than he felt the day before, then to her sides, as she tries to stand up. "Thanks."
Seth nods, grinning as he does so. After a moment, he closes the distance to him, taking Danni from his hands.
Danni smiles at Seth, looking at him with big blue eyes. Ryan watches the exchange from his place on the floor. Danni seems to like Seth, way more than she likes other people. Or at least that's what his limited perception of his daughter tells him. She seems to adore Kirsten, and it might be because she stayed with her those first three days. Danni likes it when Sandy sits down with her to play blocks. She might recognize him as her father, he doesn't know for sure, but he does know that she likes Seth. Ryan's glad for that.
Seth settles her on his hip, like Kirsten taught them to, and looks up at him. "I have her. Take a shower, you look like you're about to fall over."
Ryan blinks, taken back by the words. Okay, so, yeah, he stayed up late last night. He had a paper to get done, lab report to hand in this morning. He was up until way past two, but Seth has to be just as tired as he feels. Seth, too, had a paper due this morning. By the time Ryan went to bed, Seth was still looking for references on the internet. Then, Seth had an eight am class, going straight to one in the afternoon, when they met for lunch, and then from two to six. Seth has to be as dead tired as Ryan's feeling. And yet...
Ryan can feel a ghost of a smile on his lips. "I'm good." In any other given time, he might have been able to stand up gracefully, but his bones feel old and heavy, and he stands up with a groan. "I can--"
Seth shifts to the side when Ryan reaches Danni, shaking his head. "Oh, no. You look way more tired than you should be. Go on, take a shower. I can entertain the munchkin for the time being, right sweetie?"
Danni frowns, turning to look at him. She reaches for the collar of his shirt and holds it tight in her hands.
Seth chuckles. "I'll take that as a yes."
Ryan wants to fight Seth on this, again, but truth is, he really needs a shower or he might come undone at the seams within the next hour. "Won't take long."
Seth shrugs, moving slowly to take a seat on the couch, Danni finding a comfortable position on his lap. "Take whatever. We're cool."
Ryan closes the bathroom door after himself, and when he's in the shower, lets the water cascade over him. His bones ache, his muscles scream at something that might long ago have been tiredness and now feels like deat--
He swallows, his throat tight, his eyes closed shut. He can see Theresa's eyes looking back at him in his mind, smiling back at him in her business suit the one time he went to pick her up. He can see her with Danni in her arms, the only time he walked her to the apartment. He can even see her, as she used to be, when they were nothing but kids, with her pretty blue dress at their Junior Prom.
I'm trying to do the right thing, he thinks up at her, hopes she can hear him wherever she is. I'm doing my best, Tee, I swear. That's all I can do.
And he is. God, he is. That's the reason he arrives from school to send the nanny home, so he can sit down with her and play with her. That's the reason why after his shower, he will heat up dinner while Seth plays some more with her, and then the three of them will have dinner, together. And then he'll bath her, or Seth will, and then they'll put her to bed before eight.
He closes his eyes tighter, tight enough to make his head hurt, and leans forward until his forehead touches the tiles and thinks of nothing but his daughter, his best friend, and the home they are trying to make.
Ryan blinks, shifting as he lies on the bed, face down, hugging the pillow to his face. He blinks once again, his gaze shifting to the clock on his night stand. It's two seventeen in the morning.
He sits up in the bed, hesitating only for a moment. He tells himself there's nothing wrong with wanting to check up on Danni. Nothing wrong at all.
He pushes back the covers, making his way to the bedroom next to his, Seth's bedroom across the hall. The door is ajar, as usual, the way Ryan leaves it every night, just in case. Just in case, he tells himself every night, with his heart in his throat at the mere thought of something happening to her, something he can't control, like a drunk kid in a car not taking notice of a red light and driving on and on and on--
He pushes open the door, walks inside with his breath in his throat, his heart hammering a beat he can't keep up with and halts in mid step, his hand still on the doorknob. Seth's standing there, his back to him, hands on the railing of the single bed, because only Kirsten would buy Danni a single bed with baby proof railings.
"Hey," Seth says as he looks over his shoulder at Ryan, small smile on his lips.
"Hey," Ryan says back, like they always do, the only way they know how to do it. He makes his way to the bed, standing next to Seth, his right elbow touching Seth's left one.
"She's sleeping," Seth whispers under his breath, small smile on his lips.
Ryan nods, noticing the way Danni lies on her back, right thumb on her mouth. She doesn't do that a lot, only sometimes, and it frightens Ryan, because Danni might not say a word about it, but he knows, he knows, she's missing her mother. Theresa raised her, for two years and eight months she was the only parent Danni ever knew. Ryan doesn't expect her to like him, let alone trust him, and the thumb in the mouth seems to attest to that.
"She's doing fine, you know," Seth continues, making Ryan's throat feel tight and his lips dry, seeming to touch Ryan's insecurities with an accuracy of a fighter pilot. "She's doing very well. She's eating, playing with those blocks she loves so much. She doesn't mind when I pick her up, or when you sit with her. She's doing great."
Ryan swallows. He's not so sure, not really. "We have no way of knowing." They won't know until she's older, until she needs therapy because her father left her when she was born, only cared about her when her mother died, and then totally fucked her up. God, Ryan knows exactly how much a parent can fuck it up.
"That's not true," Seth whispers, not once shifting to look at Ryan, maybe because Ryan feels that, if Seth does, the moment will fade away. "She let you pick her up when you met her. She reached out for you."
He remembers. He remembers clearly, her arms outstretched, her hands closing and opening, her eyes fixed with his. If there's one thing he'll always remember, it is that.
He can feel his throat tight, tight, and it's like ever since he got that call from Kirsten, ever since his plane landed and tiny hands reached for him, all he can feel is fear and inadequacy and doubtfulness and nothing but undiluted dread.
And he can remember, like dreams, with the edges blurred even though the center is razor sharp. He can remember a woman screaming at the top of her lungs when she cared to acknowledge him, angry at him, face red, eyes dilated, words slurring. A man with a shake of his head, turning around, certain he would leave, but turning back with his hand raised, back of a palm striking against a cheek that would later be red, matching the eyes.
Of all the things he can do wrong, of all the million things he can do wrong, he tells himself he'll never do that. He'll listen, when he's asked. He'll wonder, when she leaves. He'll be there, when she needs him. He'll do all those things they never did, he'll do all those things the Cohens did for him, taught him how to do. He'll--
"She knows you."
Ryan gasps, blinking back from dreams that are nothing but nightmares, to the here, to the now, to his shoulder touching Seth's and a nudge against his forearm. He looks up, brown eyes finding his even in the dim light coming from the hallway.
Seth's looking right at him, through him, into him at every little thing he's ever feared, every thought he's always had, every insecurity Seth knows of, and a couple he doesn't. And Seth smiles at him, small and tender and familiar, a smile he knows, a smile he's been given before. A smile Ryan thinks of as his.
"Even if you don't know her."
Straight to the point, to the target, in one single shot. Ryan thinks he gives Seth a shaky smile, nothing but uncertain lips curling upwards.
Seth tilts his head to the side, understanding in his eyes, familiarity in something as simple as standing next to Danielle's bed, in the middle of the night, worrying about the mistakes that have not been made. "Yet."
A hand on his forearm, squeezing before releasing, and yet not letting go. Ryan can only nod. "We're getting to know her."
Seth grins this time, open and happy, happy in a way Ryan hopes to see his daughter share one day. "Yeah, we kinda are, aren't we?"
Ryan nod, smiling, half laughing, their tones still low, still whispering.
"Theresa's mom is coming this Saturday, right?" Seth asks, turning to look at Danni once again.
Ryan blinks, nodding as he does so. He had almost forgotten about that. "Yeah, she is. She'll probably take her out the whole day."
"We should," Seth says, shrugging, "I don't know, pay for her hotel. So Danni can spend Sunday with her as well."
Ryan really doesn't want to, and he thinks Seth might not want to either. The weekend is their time with her, when they can actually enjoy the morning without rushing to class, when Seth makes breakfast and Ryan holds Danni in his arms and Seth burns the toasts. But this is her grandmother they are talking about, who went from seeing her almost every day to twice a month. It's not fair to Mrs. Herrera, nor fair to Danni.
"Yeah," Ryan says after a moment. "I'll call Mrs. Herrera, ask her."
Seth nods, reaching forward, pulling the covers higher over Danni's body, up to her shoulder, right under her neck. Turning to look at Ryan, he jerks his head toward the door. Ryan nods. They should leave. She's fine, she's perfectly fine.
Touching her hair with the back of his fingers, smiling down at her, Ryan draws back, following Seth out of Danni's room.
"I thought you had an 8am class tomorrow," Ryan asks with a yawn, remembering that it is the middle of the night, and he himself has 9am class.
Seth grins. "I do." He shrugs, crossing the small space to the den.
Ryan leans against the edge of the wall, in between the hallway and the den. He watches Seth pick up a book that's on the back of the couch. Oh, no wonder.
Seth closes the book, making his way back to the hallway, Ryan tilting his head, unable to see the cover. One of the many books Seth has to get through. Probably fiction. Seth can't handle either romance or heavy reading this late at night.
"Due tomorrow."
"Ahh," Ryan says with a small smile, and they both stand when they reach their rooms, one across the hallway from the other.
Seth frowns for a moment, pausing under the threshold to his room, door wide open. "Nine am class, right?"
Ryan nods. "Yeah."
"Cool. You bathe her. I'll get the coffee ready." Seth smiles, taking a step inside before pausing and looking over his shoulder. "Scrambled eggs?"
"Sure, why not." Ryan nods, lifting his head in acknowledge, walking into his own room.
Ryan doesn't close his door, and he knows Seth doesn't either.
Ryan picks up the coffee pot, pouring two cups of coffee, taking his in his hand and leaving Seth's on the kitchen counter. Seth's still changing because it was his turn to bathe Danni.
Danni makes her way from the den to the kitchen, her big orange Discovery Cube in her hand. She loves that game, one that Kirsten got for her. Kirsten filled the house with non-verbal toys. This cube in particular has holes of different shapes on each of its six sides, for the matching peg.
Pausing before Ryan, she hands it to him, looking right at him. Ryan smiles. She might not say much, or anything at all, but she understands him. The cube is full, open it. I wanna play again.
Ryan nods. "Sure, sweetie." He squats before her, taking the cube from her hands and getting all the pegs out.
He really shouldn't leave the pegs on the floor. She has a foam mat in the corner of the den, along with boxes upon boxes of games. Kirsten went a little bit crazy shopping for Danni. Danni has more toys in the den than she does in her bedroom.
Taking the cube and the pegs, he places it on the mat, next to the large set of Legos. Danni has a thing for Legos, and Kirsten has a thing for buying more Legos for Danni.
"There," Ryan says, straightening, "you can play--"
But Danni is no longer interested in her puzzle cube. She's already opening the lower cupboards, looking for something or other. Ryan sighs, trotting to her.
"Hey, hey," he says, picking her up by her armpits and raising her to his eye level. "What did we say about opening cupboards?"
Actually, they've been meaning to childproof the apartment, but each weekend, one or the two of them have a paper or three to get done. If they have to leave the apartment for the whole morning, go the library to do research, one of them has to take Danni with her, and then they won't get anything done.
She blinks at him, as if trying to understand what he's saying. She can understand him, he thinks, he's certain. She can understand him just fine. Now, if she'd just say a word or two, it might make it easier for them to raise her.
"Danni--"
His words catch on his lips when she reaches for him, arms outstretched, hands closing and opening. He swallows, knowing what she wants. He pulls her into his arms, placing her comfortably on his chest, her chin on his right shoulder. Her arms come around his neck, tight, as tight as she can hold him. His own arms go around her back, holding her, breathing in the baby shampoo and Danni's baby lotion Seth likes to sprinkle her hair with.
"Mom's arriving at noon."
Ryan looks up, opening his eyes, not noticing when he closed them. Seth stands by the wall that divides the den and the hallway and looks at Ryan with soft brown eyes. Ryan's breath catches in his throat, but this time, he fears it might be for different reasons.
Seth's mouth curls into a soft smile, a tender smile. Ryan's smile. "Mom's arriving at noon," he repeats, blinking slowly, blinking once again before making his way to the kitchen and to the coffee pot.
"There's--" Ryan starts, but Seth knows him better than that, better than this. Danni shifts in his arms, head turning around, probably looking for where Seth is voice coming from.
"Yeah," Seth says, picking up his mug, giving Ryan a quick smile. "Thanks."
After a moment, Danni starts squirming in Ryan's arms, and he understands. With a kiss to the top of her head, he places her on the floor, making sure she has her footing before letting go of her.
She doesn't even pause, making a break for the den, Seth's laughter above her quick steps. Ryan watches her stumble, hands reaching for her even though he's too far away to keep her from falling, and sees Seth's abortive move as well from the corner of his eyes. Danni doesn't fall, catching herself on the edge of the couch. After that, she closes the space between her and her table, picking up two thick crayons and making a master piece on her stack of papers. Ryan hopes she stays within the paper, not venturing into the table, the couch or the walls.
"Mom's arriving at noon," Seth repeats, and Ryan turns from Danni to look at him. Seth grins when Ryan's brain takes a minute to bring up the reason why. "Tomorrow. At noon. With Danni's costume. Dad's arriving around three. He has a case he couldn't put off."
Tomorrow? Ryan goes through the dates in his mind and it takes him more than just a minute to realize that today's October 30th, tomorrow Halloween. "Oh, right."
Seth chuckles, taking a long swallow of the coffee before reaching for the eggs in the fridge. "I bathed her," Seth says over his shoulder, taking the pan out with his free hand. "You feed her."
Ryan nods, and yeah, he had remembered it was his turn. "Danni," he calls over his shoulder, because she knows, she knows it's breakfast time and she can't keep on playing.
He places the high chair next to the kitchen island, in between both their stools, so they can have coffee while she has her breakfast. Seth starts serving the bacon and scrambled eggs as Ryan finished placing the slice of cheese on the plate, next to the bread. The milk is already poured into the sippy cup, half a cup more than enough.
Danni has decided that the edges of her coloring book should be a bright red color when Ryan calls for her again, this time going to the den, standing by her side. "Danni. Breakfast."
He'd rather not take the crayons from her, let her place them on the table on her own accord, but he will if he has to. She seems to consider him for a moment, her glance shifting from her crayon to him, before placing the crayon on the table and moving past him to the kitchen, straight to the sink. Ryan smiles. She knows she has to wash her hands before breakfast.
After holding her by her waist so she can wash her hands on her own, and taking her hand to shut off the tap, Ryan places her in the high chair.
"Are we going to pick them up?" Ryan asks, glancing between Seth and Danni, taking her cup in her hands. She doesn't like help when she's having breakfast. Dinner, though, they can help her with.
Seth shakes his head, pushing plate of cheese and bread away from the edge of the high chair. "Nah," he says, picking his mug once again. "She says she'll come straight here, spend the afternoon with Danni. Laura can go early."
"Good." Ryan nods, frowning for a second. Did he put his lab report in his backpack last night? He'll have to check before leaving.
Danni tilts the sippy cup a bit too much, pouring milk down her chin, and Seth reaches for the cup, trying to take it from her. She grumbles under her breath, taking the cup away from him, her face and nose all scrunched up. Ryan smiles, thinking that he really has to keep the camera at hand for moments like this.
Seth chuckles. "Okay, okay," he says, lifting his hands. "It's yours, don't worry. But remember that I bathed you today, okay? I actually want you to be clean before Laura arrives."
Danni keeps on glaring at Seth before placing the cup on the table and reaching for the cheese.
"Are there any bananas left?"
Ryan frowns at the question for a second, nodding after a moment. "Yeah, I think."
Seth's looking at him, soft smile on his face.
"What?" Ryan asks, laughter in the back of his throat.
Seth grins. "You scrunch up your nose like her," he says, standing up. "I hadn't noticed."
Ryan swallows, his breath in his throat. He can feel something tight uncoiling in his stomach, something spreading in his chest.
"I can be here around three, skip Introduction to Short Story." Seth takes a banana from the fridge, picking a bowl from the high cupboards. "Can you skip Site Investigation?"
Ryan nods, watching Seth peeling the banana and cutting it in small pieces for Danni. For Danni, who likes bananas with her breakfast sometimes. "Yeah," he says, his voice tight and low and a bit husky. "Yeah, I can."
And he will skip a class, and so will Seth, so they can be home early to go trick-or-treat with Danni, in a costume Kirsten bought for her, and they have no idea what it is. And they will help with changing Danni, and Kirsten will want Danni to wear the earrings she bought Danni a week ago, small diamond stud earrings in white gold.
And then they'll take pictures and go trick-or-treating with her, like a family, on Danni's first Halloween with them. And Seth will be with him, every single moment, every step of the way.
Seth turns around, bowl of bananas in his hands, and tilts his head, smiles at him, brown eyes light and perfect, and something eats at Ryan's chest, in Ryan's heart, and he finally knows what it is he's been feeling these past weeks.
He finally recognizes the feeling for what it is.
III.
Ryan lifts his eyes from the book in his hands -- "Concrete: Structure, Properties, and Materials", by Mehta and Monteiro, for Technology of Concrete -- to look at Danni, sitting on her foam mat, Play-Doh in her hands. She has developed a weird attachment to it. Mostly, because she's still a bit young, she flattens the mass, or mixes the colors together until she has one she likes. In a couple of months, they'll buy her something a bit more complicated. One of those activity mats, and one of the zillion molds for the Play-Doh.
He glances at his watch, already a quarter to eight. It's Tuesday, so Seth has an eight o’clock class, and Ryan has Technology of Concrete at nine. Laura should already be here. Weird, she's not one to be late--
The phone rings, and Ryan reaches for it, the wireless on the coffee table. "Hello?"
There's a cough on the other end of the line, then a pause. "Hmm. Mr. Atwood? Good morning."
Ryan frowns. He thinks he recognizes that voice -- "Laura?" His frown deepens. It's like she's talking from across the globe, her voice is so tiny. "Laura, are you okay? What--?"
"I'm so, so sorry Mr. Atwood, but I can't come to work today. I'm--" And then she coughs again, a muffled sound, and Ryan can see her covering the mouthpiece with her hand. "I think I've got the flu."
"What?" His voice is tight, his glance shifting to Danni, still playing with her Play-Doh, her hands purple now. It'll take at least ten minutes to wash it off. "Oh. No, no, no, no. Laura. You can't do this to me now. Come on. I have a class in less than an hour. I don't even have time to find--"
His words end in a breath as he hears her coughing in the background, a broken sound, something akin to a lung being expectorated through her mouth. He grimaces. Not sounding like the flu, more like pneumonia.
"Okay, sorry. You can't come, I get it. You're almost dying. I'll leave you to that." And he's babbling, he's babbling, and that's the first sign that he's been spending too much time with Seth lately.
"I'm so, so sorry. I really am."
"No, no, don't worry." He can't ask her to come to work sounding like that. At the very least, because she'll get Danni sick, and Ryan doesn't think he can handle that, his daughter, sick. "It's okay. Call me when you're feeling better, okay? So I know when you'll be back."
"Yes, yes," and then a long cough, and Ryan has to pull the phone from his ear not to hear that horrible sound. "Yeah. Thanks."
He hangs up, letting the phone fall down on the couch, only then realizing he doesn't even know if he cut Laura off in mid word. He checks his watch again, ten to eight. It'll take at least thirty minutes to get Danni cleaned and into a jacket and in the car seat.
"Danni," Ryan says, standing up and reaching for both his jacket and Danni's. Danni looks up, head tilted, small smile on her lips. She lifts her hands, showing him that now she has green swirls on top of the purple fingers. He sighs. Okay, forty to get her ready. "Come on, sweetie, we gotta go."
Ryan can't miss Technology of Concrete, mostly because attendance is mandatory and part of the grade. Seth can't get out of Fiction Technique because they do exercises and talk about the books they've had to read. And Ryan doesn't have the first clue on how to get a last minute babysitter, because Laura has always been there for them.
So he does the only thing he thinks he can do and hopes to hell that Professor Pasquel doesn't kill him for that.
He arrives ten minutes before nine, Danni against his chest, her small arms around his neck, her chin on his right shoulder, his right hand on her back. He has his backpack over his left shoulder, along with Danni's bag, filled with Play-Doh and coloring books and crayons and everything Ryan could fit into the bag in ten minutes flat. He feels like a soccer mom, but keeps his lips pressed into a thin line to stop himself from grumbling and worrying Danni.
He pauses in front of the classroom, people hanging back as well, waiting, and he assumes the room is still filled from the one before them.
"Ryan?"
He lifts his head while shifting both bags on his left shoulder without quite dropping either of them, and sighs.
"Hey," he says, watching Tatiana, Eve and Claire making their way to him, through the sea of civil engineering students he recognizes by face.
Ryan shifts Danni on his shoulder, feeling her start squirming after lying calmly in his arms. Probably shyness at her unfamiliar surroundings, but still. "Danni," he says, sighing as he does so, before shifting her once again and helping her find her footing on the ground.
Danni tilts her head back, looking at him with wide blue eyes that he knows takes after him.
"Danni," he whispers under his breath, not sure if the word has carried through.
"Oh, she's so cute!"
Ryan looks up in surprise, Eve squatting before Danni, arms outstretched. Eve's giggling under her breath, and Ryan can't help but frown. Eve's always been the most serious of the whole group. "Yeah, hmm. Thanks."
He doesn't know why he's surprised when Danni takes a step back and hides behind his legs, her hold on them so tight, he can feel the pressure of her hands against the fabric of his jeans and just above his knees.
"Hey, hey, it's okay," he says, squatting next to Danni. He lets both bags fall to the floor before taking her hands in his. She lets him for a moment, a second, before pulling her hands from his grasp and instead, reaching forward, hands closing and opening. He sighs even as he picks her up once again, shifting her so she's sitting on the crook of his left arm, looking around her before hiding her face on his neck.
"God, she looks just like you," Tatiana says with a grin and a nod.
"Yeah," Claire says with a smile. "She does. It's the eyes. And the hair, and that small frown on her forehead. Yep. Just like you."
Ryan rolls his eyes because they don't know the whole story. He only told them that Danni's mother had died and she was moving in with him. He never told them how he didn't know she was his daughter until Mrs. Herrera went to talk with Kristen. He never said how he looked at her -- he looked at her, at her blonde hair and blue eyes -- and still bought that load of bullshit coming from Theresa's mouth, about being Eddie's child. Eddie, with his black curls and brown eyes. He didn't let himself admit just how relieved he'd been when she had lied to his face and told him he could keep the life he had chosen, the life he really wanted.
"Not that we aren't enjoying finally meeting Danni--"
Ryan swallows, shifting his eyes from Danni to Claire, who gives him a quick smile.
"-- but, hmm. What is she doing here?"
And then everything comes to the here and now, no longer the memory of Theresa making her way up the steps of the backyard of the house in Newport, white blouse and a lie on her lips.
"My babysitter has the flu."
"Oh, oh."
Ryan glares at Tatiana, who grins back at him. "Yeah. Exactly."
"What do you--?"
But he doesn't hear what Eve wants to ask him because Danni squirms again, and Ryan groans in the back of his throat. She's not usually this fickle. "God, Danni. Make up your mind, up or down?" He asks, even as he's putting her down.
She doesn't care about what he has to say, she starts running down the hallway, and Ryan calls after her.
"Danielle!" He groans once again, running after her, and picking her up as she's about to reach the staircase. She can use the stairs if she's holding on the railing, but with the amount of students making their way to the first floor, he'd rather she didn't. "That's it," he tells her when he has her seated comfortably on the crook of his left arm, making his way back to the outside of the classroom, even as she keeps shifting. "Danielle, stop it."
"Oh, the full name!"
Ryan glares at Tatiana as she mock shudders in fear. Tatiana laughs at him, her head to the side, Claire giggling into her hand.
"Sorry," Claire says, laughter in her tone. "But really, Ryan, the way you said Danielle? The exact same tone my mom would say my full name when she was pissed at me," she finished, nodding as she does so.
His glare shifts to Claire, and just as he's about to let her know that he's no soccer mom, no matter how much he felt like one in the car, with the baby bag on his shoulder, Eve picks up.
"No, Ryan, really," Eve says with frown, picking up both bags from the floor and handing them to Ryan. "I mean, not that we don't think she's adorable and all that, but someone's picking her up, right?"
He shifts her in his arm before shaking his head. "No. Seth can't miss class, they do this group thing where they talk about the book and whatnot, and I can't miss class for obvious reasons."
"Ryan, you can't," Tatiana says in a mock whisper, looking over her shoulder, as if Pasquel is going to appear out of thin air and glare at her. "He'll kill you. He will. And then Danni will watch."
His stomach seems to grow cold in a matter of seconds, but then he's breathing out through his mouth, shifting in his place even as Danni settles in his arms, reaching for his chest. He lets her, and she hides her face in the hollow of his neck. Danni understands more than she lets on, Ryan's always known, but even as his other hand comes to pat Danni's back, up and down in a soothing pattern he doesn't even know he's doing, he thinks she also gets a cunning sense of Ryan's emotional state.
He clears his throat, and he's about to say something when he notices professor Pasquel making his way to the classroom doors from the other side of the hallway. The students follow inside in a rush, and he never even noticed the classroom empting from the eight am class. He jerks his head toward the room, hefting the bags higher up his shoulder. He can't do anything about it now.
They hurry their way into the classroom, and he should have told Danni not to make a fuss before taking a seat in the fourth row of the room. It's too late now, and he knows he didn't pack any of her toys that'd make a loud noise in the middle of the class, and in the back of his mind, Ryan asks for a miracle and Pasquel not noticing a toddler in his freshmen class.
He sits Danni to his left, Tatiana on the other side of Danni, Eve and Claire to his right. Professor Pasquel is too busy loading up the computer for his presentation to notice Danni, so he takes out her coloring book, her markers and crayons, and sets it before her.
"Now, sweetie," he whispers as he turns the pages to where she left off, painting the nice Heffalump a very Disney approved purplish color. "I need you to be very quiet, can you do that? Just for three hours and then we'll go meet Seth."
And try their best to find a middle point that doesn't involve Seth taking her to his classes, nor Ryan taking her to his Mechanics of Fluids laboratory, but he doesn't say that.
Danni looks at him like he's asking her to solve his Resistance of Materials work. She blinks a couple of times before shifting all her focus to her crayons and her coloring book.
His sigh of relief is short lived, because then the professor is clearing his throat and when Ryan looks up, Pasquel is looking right at him. And Danni. He swallows thickly, his left hand moving of its own volition to Danni's shoulder, pulling her to him. She doesn't take notice, only pulls the book closer to her and continues coloring tiger a very light blue color.
"Mr. Atwood, is there something you wish to explain?"
He swallows again as the rest of the class shift and focus on him, and he tells himself to sit straight, pulling back his shoulders, looking right into Pasquel's face.
"I'm sorry," he starts, because truth is, he shouldn't have brought her here. Both he and Pasquel know it. "But my babysitter cancelled on me half an hour before the class and I knew I couldn't miss it." His glance shifts between the professor and Danni, before settling on the professor once again. "She won't make any noise, I promise you. If she does, I'll leave immediately."
He expects Professor Pasquel to be his usual stubborn self, demeaning the students, him just another faceless civil engineer wanna be a sea of them. Ryan expects Professor Pasquel to rant for a good ten minute before, not so politely, ask him to leave and take that child with him.
Instead, Professor Pasquel regards him with narrowed hazel eyes for a moment before speaking. "I have three daughters. Once, my wife had to take two of them to her job because our youngest was sick and she couldn't leave the other two with her and her mom. Then, because she had a meeting, I had to take both of them to a construction site." He grimaces, as if the memory of it all is almost as bad as the experience apparently was. "It wasn't pretty, to say the least. After that, my wife decided, on her very own, that she'd take sick days from work whenever the girls needed her. She made me swear I'd never take the girls to a site again."
The class laughs, as if on cue, and Ryan sighs in relief, because, apparently, Pasquel has a mellow side the students just were never aware of. He has to, to have a wife who didn't murder him, and three kids.
"If she sticks to her crayons," Pasquel continues, with a small smile Ryan's certain no one this side of the conference room has ever seen, "then you can stay, Mr. Atwood." He turns around, as if to return to his PowerPoint presentation, before pausing and looking straight at Danni. She still likes her Heffalump better. "What's her name, did you say?"
He didn't, but whatever. "Danielle."
Pasquel nods. "Nice name. How old is she?"
Ryan blinks in utter confusion and perplexity and a dozen other synonyms, because he can't quite believe his professor, the one every civil engineer fears, is asking him that. "Two years and eight months."
"Nice age. They grow up so fast," Pasquel says with something Ryan's certain is not wistfulness, before turning around and clicking on the computer, lights dimming slightly, but not as much as usual, not so much as to make it difficult for Danni to see her Heffalump and color comfortably. "Okay. Last week we were talking about superplastificants."
Danni takes it upon herself to finish coloring her thirty something pages book. She gets tired of coloring Heffalump in purple and chooses a nice orange color for him, finishing the last page with only an hour and ten minutes left to go in the class.
Ryan watches her from the corner of his eyes, trying his best to keep taking notes for the class and hoping against hope Danni doesn't jump out of her chair and decides that the hallway is way more interesting.
Instead, Danni reaches for Tatiana's red pen and takes it in her hands.
"Danni," Ryan starts, but Tatiana shakes her head with a smile on her lips.
"Nah, don't worry," Tatiana says, patting Danni on her head. "God, she's adorable. Let her play with the pen, I don't mind."
Ryan nods, still watching her, because, God, Danni can look all nice and pretty and serious, but he somehow knows that she's just hiding underneath all that pretense. She wanted him and Seth to get comfortable and then she'll turn into the little devil Ryan believes she will grow to be.
Turning around to look at the PowerPoint presentation, Ryan frowns, head tilted to the side. God, he only turned around once fucking second, and now he has no idea where all those numbers came from. It doesn't matter, he'll ask either Eve or Claire later. So he starts copying them to his notebook, as fast as he can, before he hears Tatiana chuckling.
He turns around to look at her, ready to tell her to shut it, he's actually trying to pay attention, when he notices that Danni is looking straight at the presentation, a frown on her forehead, pen in her hands. Tatiana laughs again, and when he lifts an eyebrow at her, she shrugs.
"What?" She says, laughter in her voice, even if she's trying to keep very quiet about it. "No, it's like, you had to see yourself a second ago. She was so totally copying you."
Tatiana keeps on nodding even as she's reaching behind Danni and Ryan, trying to catch Eve's and Claire's attention. Probably to tell them, but all Ryan can see in that second is Danni, eyes fixed on the display of numbers and equations about percentages of water and cement and sand, before lowering her head to the piece of paper she has in her hands -- Tatiana's, probably -- and scribbling with her pen. He smiles, because this is his daughter, and he can't help but lean forward and place a kiss on the top of her head.
Danni looks up when he pulls away, smiles at him, a toothy grin with a few gaps in it, before opening her mouth and saying, quite clearly, "Daddy."
Ryan can't keep the grin off his face, he knows, but right now, he doesn't really care. He watches Seth shift Danni in his arms, laughing as he does so, and holding her upside down, and she's giggling so loud, Ryan can only lean back in his seat and smile.
There's the light of a flash, somewhere to his right, and he looks over his shoulder to see Tatiana grinning like an idiot, camera in hand. "Where the hell--?" He rolls his eyes. "Whatever. I don't want to know."
"I'm gonna want a copy of that."
Tatiana nods, enthusiastically. "Of course, Seth. I'll email it to you tonight."
"Okay, okay," Seth says, finally taking a seat at the table they've been able to get for lunch.
Ryan tilts his head to the side, Seth to his right, settling Danni on his legs. Tatiana, Claire and Eve are all here, as well, because he can't help but realize this is the first time they've seen Danni.
"One more time," Seth says, grinning like an idiot, and he points at Ryan. "Who is he?"
"Daddy," Danni says, her chin held high, before throwing herself back, onto Seth's arm, catching her just in time as she tries to take a backwards dive onto the ground. Danni only laughs at the top of her lungs.
Ryan nods, laughing as he does so, and God, he hadn't know he'd been dying to hear her speak until she had done so. And he hadn't been able to stop himself, he had picked her up from the seat, and left the class through the door in the back and gotten Seth on the cell in a second. He had held the cell phone to Danni's mouth and asked her to say that again. Seth had heard her voice in that moment.
They shift Danni in between them for lunch, because she gets bored very quickly, and she doesn't want to eat. She wants nothing more than to explore the vast expanses of grass and trees that the Berkeley campus offers.
Tatiana takes a hundred more pictures, and Ryan finally finds out that she told Patrick, her boyfriend, upon punishment of sleeping on the couch for the following week, that he better head back to the dorm room and get their camera or else. That was why Ryan found it very weird that Patrick was waiting for Tatiana outside of the classroom even though they never have lunch with Patrick on Tuesdays.
"Her earrings are lovely," Claire says, her head tilted to the side, reaching for her coke. "Where did you get them?"
Seth settles Danni on his lap once again, as she half lunges for something that catches her eyes. "Come on, sweetie," he says almost absentmindedly, pushing her plate closer to her. "Just three more bites, okay? Three more."
Ryan smiles, watching Seth caress the side of Danni's face as she picks up the small bits of nuggets Seth cut for her. Ryan's chest does something weird, converting coldness to sheer vapor of air as he watches Seth stroking Danni lovingly.
"Mom bought them," Seth says with a shrug, pushing a lock of hair away from Danni's face and behind her ear. "Danni didn't even have her ears pierced until three weeks ago."
Ryan grimaces, remembering that. Kirsten had insisted that it was better that they pierced her ears right now, right away, before she got older and it was harder for her and way harder for Ryan and Seth to watch. Kirsten already had the butterfly earrings ready for the lady to put them in when Danni started crying, hiding her face in Ryan's chest, Seth's hand rubbing small circles on Danni's back.
Seth shrugs. "Mom said that we had to keep Danni wearing earrings for the holes not to close. The mom picked the earrings."
"Still," Claire continues, "God, they are lovely." She leans closer to Seth, closer to Danni, taking Danni's right ear in her hands. "That tiny bright stone in the middle of the butterfly is so pretty. Looks almost real."
Ryan chuckles, a low sound in his throat. Seth shrugs, shifting Danni again, and handing her another small piece of nugget.
"Actually," Seth says with a grin and another shrug, "it kinda is."
Tatiana frowns. "Huh?"
"0.08 karat diamond on white gold. Ninety bucks." Seth shrugs again. "Mom went a bit nuts shopping for Danni. We can't really blame her, her first granddaughter and all that. Still. At least it was cheaper than the diamond studs mom bought for Danni."
Oh, the diamond studs, yeah. Ryan had been right. Last week, Kirsten had insisted that Danni wear them with her little white duck custom for Halloween. Danni had looked adorable, of course, and Ryan had pretended she wasn't wearing 130 bucks in her ears.
Eve blinks, ironic smile on her lips. "You're shitting us, right?"
Seth grins at her. "Language," he singsongs as he shifts on his seat so he's closer to the table so Danni doesn't drip drool on his pants as she sucks all the grease from the nugget. "No, we are not kidding. The Mom takes her diamonds very seriously. She was very proud of giving Danni her very first diamond." He shrugs. "At least Danni's too young to wear the ID bracelet mom had engraved for her. Diamond in that too. Two hundred bucks. Mom says Danni will start wearing it when she goes to kindergarten. Like we're not gonna recognize her or something."
"Ryan," Tatiana says, almost as surprised as Ryan was when Kirsten got the butterfly earrings out from the pink and light purple box that day at the pediatrician's office. Kirsten had insisted that a pediatrician needed to see Danni, make sure she had all her vaccines, and get her ears pierced since they were there anyway. It doesn't help that Danni actually loves her butterfly earrings.
"It's Kirsten," Ryan says with a shrug. He loves the woman, he really does, and that's the only reason he let himself be talked into that. He would have bought Danni a simpler pair of earrings, but like Seth said, this is Kirsten's first grandchild. He couldn't deny her the joy of buying for her. "Danni likes the earrings. I pretend there isn't a diamond in there."
"I want one," Claire says, pouting, slouching back on her seat. "God, I want one."
"Da," Danni says almost in a whine, and Seth sighs, two nuggets still on the plate. At least Danni ate almost four, Ryan tells himself. And most of her juice and a bit of a banana Ryan was able to get into the baby bag before leaving the apartment.
"Okay, okay. I give in," Seth says, setting her down on the ground next to him. She keeps on squirming in his grasp, and they both know that behavior too well. She wants to be set free to run until she stumbles and falls down on her bottom. Or wants her blocks. Whatever comes first.
Danni stands on her own two feet, reaching for the chair to Seth's right, walking steadily, like she goes here, Ryan thinks with a smile. Eve catches her as Danni walks by her, Eve's hands on Danni's waist, picking her up. "There you go," Eve says with a smile, and Ryan remembers hearing her mention that she has a younger sister.
But Danni doesn't want to be picked up. She squirms in Eve's hands, reaching for Ryan or Seth, or both, her hands closing and opening, a whine in her throat.
Eve sighs, putting Danni on the ground once again, and she runs to the space between Ryan's and Seth's chairs, standing there, head tilted back as she glances from one to the other.
"Okay. She doesn't like me," Eve sniffs in mock distress. "I get it. I can take a hint, don't worry Danni. No need for messy breakups. It was very nice while it lasted."
Ryan rolls his eyes, taking Danni's hand for a second. She gives him a wide toothy grin, and pulls his hands. Ryan sighs, knowing full well what she wants. "Her blocks," he says, jerking his head toward Seth, who has the baby bag on his right.
"I've got it," Seth says, placing the bag on his lap.
Ryan reaches for the bag. "Seth," he says, in the same tone he has always used when trying to get Seth's attention for more than ten seconds. "You haven't even finished your lunch," he says with a small smile. Seth's sandwich is cold, coke probably flat now, because he focused on Danni's lunch instead of his own.
Ryan smiles softly, the corners of his lips curling upwards. Seth fed Danni because he knew Ryan had her during Technology of Concrete. He swallows, something thick and heavy in his throat.
Seth rolls his eyes but surrenders the bag, and Ryan pulls out the blocks.
"It's not that," Ryan continues, setting the blocks on the grass, Danni letting herself fall down on her bottom without a seeming to notice. "She's just... wary of strangers."
She hadn't been wary of him or Seth. Nor of Kirsten or Sandy, he thinks. Maybe because in a way, like Seth says, like Seth has been saying ever since they went to Newport late at night, because she knows him, them. She knows them. Ryan smiles at that thought as well.
"Daddy?"
Ryan looks down at his daughter, huge grin on her lips, and God, the word might never get old for him. When he looks up, Seth has a stupid smile on his lips, nothing but happiness and undiluted relief in his brown eyes, and Ryan thinks he might look very much the same.
They get the logistics for the rest of the day settled. Seth can't miss his two pm class, which means Ryan has to take Danni to his 3-5pm Mechanics of Fluids laboratory, but Seth will totally skip his 4pm class so Ryan only has to get have her for an hour, and then he can go to his 5-7pm Hydraulics class and Seth will head on home.
Ryan sighs even as he sits next to Seth, Seth bending forward in his chair to help Danni stack her blocks and build something only Danni knows what it signifies. He just sits there, watching Seth, just looking because Seth will not take notice, not right now. And it's so nice, to be able to do so, in the still warm fall afternoon, leaves turning from green to brown all around them.
Seth has a smile on his lips, his dimples showing, his cheekbones prominent in his lazy smile. Ryan's eyes follow the edge of Seth's face down to the curve of Seth's jaw and something catches in his throat, and he has to close his eyes because the feeling is too intense for it not to physically hurt in his very limps, in his bones and skin and veins and blood.
When Ryan opens his eyes, more leaves fall around them, and Seth keeps on playing with his daughter, and Ryan wonders if he shouldn't think of Danni as their daughter.
Ryan leans back against the edge of the sink, closes his eyes in nothing but sheer tiredness and lets out a long sigh. God, he's tired. No, no, he left tired about a hundred miles back, and exhaustion about fifty behind, so, what the hell is he now?
"You could have left the dishes for tomorrow, you know?"
Ryan blinks, opening his eyes and watching as a shadow makes its way from the hallway to the kitchen, and he doesn't fear that shadow because he could recognize the very silhouette of it in his sleep.
"Asleep?"
Seth nods, standing close to Ryan by the sink and nudges him with his hip. "I can do this."
"You put her to bed."
Seth smirks. "That was easy. She ran around the house most of the evening. You bathed her. Now, that takes courage."
She hadn't wanted to bathe, nothing new there, but now that she had, apparently, found her voice and words, they were fun, and all she wanted to do was play with the toys that made sound. Making her let go of such toys had not been easy, or fun.
Ryan sighs once again, taking a step back. He reaches for the paper towels and dries his hands, and thinks about Laura and her calling and saying that she's feeling better now, she'll be back tomorrow, Friday, and not to worry anymore.
God, he can't wait for tomorrow. Ten more hours, nothing more. Practically nothing. Perfect ten more hours. To actually go to class without having to worry about leaving in the middle of the lecture and having to take her from Seth so Seth can go to the one class he can't skip and all that.
Blinking, slowly, almost sleepily, Ryan gazes at Seth, from the brown curls to the softness in his eyes, down the line of Seth's jaw when Seth turns around suddenly, brown eyes wide and alert, and catches Ryan in mid breath.
For a second, the time it takes for Ryan to let out that breath, he thinks about closing off his face, his eyes, his very expression. And yet, meeting Seth's eyes, Ryan recognizes that he has spent many years pretending not to be looking at Seth. Even pretending to himself.
As he takes his next breath, Ryan tells himself he'll stop pretending, because this is Seth, and Seth knows him too well. So Ryan lets him see, what Seth can see, what Seth wants to see in his eyes, and he thinks it might be more than enough, it might even be too much.
Ryan opens his mouth, and he wants to say so much for the first time, for the first time, but he can only whisper, "Seth." He looks at Seth warmly, the way he's always wanted to.
Seth blinks, hip against the edge of the sink, his body no more than a foot away from Ryan's own, and Seth's face is so open, Ryan can read his thoughts there, if he looks long enough.
Seth, who spent the last three days adjusting his schedule to fit Danni in there, the past two months to fit a child into his semester at college, the past three years to fit Ryan in his life.
The only light coming from the room is the dim light from the corner table in the den, and the streetlights outside the apartment building. But it's more than enough to see the open expression on Seth's face. Somehow, Ryan doesn't remember Seth ever looking quite like this.
Seth shifts, and Ryan thinks he'll reach for the tap, start the dishes, but instead, he reaches forward, to Ryan. His hand falls on Ryan's shoulder, a touch of his that Ryan's familiar with, has felt on his skin, through t-shirt and sweaters and jackets a thousand times and a thousand times more, but this time, it feels different. It feels like the first time, like the first touch.
Seth's hand moves a little closer, stroking his thumb up over Ryan's Adam's apple, a long, slow, perfect scrape.
"Seth."
But the words die on his lips, and Seth takes another step, the last step, and he's so close Ryan can smell the coffee on his breath, the baby shampoo from putting Danni to bed on his skin.
Ryan doesn't know when he reaches forward, when he starts, but his hand is touching Seth's face, his thumb caressing Seth's lower lip.
He wants to say something, thinks he should, he might, but then Seth's leaning forward, slowly, so very slowly Ryan can almost see the breath leaving Seth's lips as he touches them to Ryan's own. Ryan leans in, opens up, and tastes Seth easily and it's good, so good and makes a sound at the back of his throat. He doesn't mean to, but he can't stop now, not now, a sound, deep and desperate and fitting in the back of his throat. Seth's arms come around Ryan, falling to his side and back and everywhere, and Ryan's find Seth's hip and holds on tight, tighter than he should, digging his fingers inside and he'll bruise Seth if he doesn't let go. But he can't, he won't, so he holds on tight, tighter still, before pulling back from the kiss to get some air and breathe before he falls.
Seth follows him, hiding his face in the crook of Ryan's neck, rubbing his cheek against Ryan's jaw, left hand slipping to Ryan's neck and cupping it, holding him still and unmoving.
"Oh, Ryan," Seth whispers against Ryan's skin, and Ryan shudders, pulling back, hands on Seth's hips fitting like they were made for the hollow of Seth's hipbone, or the other way around.
Ryan lifts Seth's head, fingers splayed across his cheekbones, and Seth's smiling, his hands touching Ryan's sides, down to Ryan's own hips, and they fit as well. Seth's hand fit there like Ryan's fit on Seth's own bones.
"Seth," Ryan whispers back, and Seth smiles, quiet laughter in the back of his throat. And God, in all the years Ryan has known him, Seth has never been happy, because he certainly never looked like this. Ryan would have remembered, the same way he knows he'll remember this face, mouth red and cheekbones coloring, eyes dizzy with happiness that feels like a wave coming off Seth's body and skin.
This time, Seth pulls him forward, fingers on Ryan's hips digging inside, and Ryan will bruise again, and when he looks down at his skin, at the darkness where fingers spend the night touching and mapping, Ryan will know, and that leaves him breathless.
They kiss, lazy and without any rush, Seth taking Ryan's upper lip into his own, biting slightly. His lips are nothing but a ghost on Ryan's skin, on his collarbone, up his jaw and to his ear, and Ryan shudders under the touch. They stand there, in each others arms, getting to know one another at a different level, mapping the skin that's available to them until they can do no more without losing clothing.
Ryan takes a step back at that, left hand on Seth's hips, right hand on Seth's neck, and his left hand moves over waist and sides to shoulder, down forearm and tendon and wrist to fingers, interlacing Seth's with his own. Ryan pulls him backwards, out of the kitchen, into the hallway and to his bedroom. To Ryan's bedroom, the one next to Danni's, with the lights turned off, that will soon turned into their bedroom. They laugh, under their breath, muted and muffled by kisses and caresses.
They've packed as if they are going away for good, not for the weekend. It's November, and yet, in California, the nights can be windy. And Seth had never known just how much a worrywart he and Ryan could be until they had to pack for Danni. Seth picks up yet another jacket and thick sweater, shoving it in the bag. They are going on four bags, and all of them are only Danni's. Ryan's taking one suitcase and one bag, Seth only one suitcase, and it's going to be hell to tag the bags in the airport.
"Danni!" Seth says, zipping the bag, throwing it over his shoulder. He makes his way out of Danni's bedroom, to the den, where he knows Danni will be. He lets the bag fall down to the floor, next to the three of Danni's already there, and the two both his and Ryan's. Danni's sitting on the carpet, blocks before her.
Seth smiles as he watches her pick another block from the million she already has, and stand up. She makes her way to the mat she seems to be making out of nothing but blocks, covering her own foam mat. He folds his arms, leaning back against the edge of the wall, and watches her place the block with the utter care. She straightens, almost bouncing on her feet as she does so, and Seth can see himself in that movement, and warmth spreads through his chest and down to his fingers.
"Is Danni over there?"
Seth looks over his shoulder to Ryan, walking out of their bedroom, putting on his jacket as he does so. He smiles at Ryan. "She's in the middle of her big project." The Project, Seth notices, that she started two days after she started speaking. "Are you going to take her away from it?"
Ryan sighs, slapping Seth on the shoulder as he passes him by. Seth laughs, his head to the side, and wonders just how much time and how many tears it will cost them to get to the airport sometime today.
"Danni," Ryan starts, but Danni is way smarter than that, and Seth knows she knows them both too well.
"No," she says right away, hurrying to her bucket of blocks. She takes two more, then returns to the side of her rectangle she's in the process of filling.
She can be a bit of an obsessive person, and Seth knows she takes after Ryan that way.
"Danni," Ryan says with a warning tone.
Seth can't help but grin at that, folding his arms on his chest. Next, the full name will come. His grin widens.
But Danni has developed more confidence in the last three weeks than Seth could have imagined she could have in a whole year. She shakes her head, making her way back to her bucket of blocks. "No. Wanna play."
"I want to play," Seth says absentmindedly, correcting her in the way all seven books of parenting said he should.
Ryan glances at him over his shoulder, glaring at Seth. Seth gives him a quick grin, half apology, half amused.
"Finish now." Danni says, picking up one blue block before shaking her head and picking up one yellow and one orange instead.
"No, you can finish when we get back, Danni." Ryan says, standing before her. She tries to by pass him, but Ryan squats before her, placing his hands on her shoulders. "No, Danni."
She looks right at him, biting her lower lip, her face impassive. Seth can't help but grin. God, could Danni be more like Ryan?
"We're going to see Gamma. Don't you want to see your Gamma, and your Grandpa? Huh? I thought you wanted to see them."
Ryan's being underhanded, Seth knows, but God, Danni has shown a focus so intent, he's worried how they'll deal when she reaches elementary school. Either she'll kick ass, or she'll be a trouble maker. Or maybe, with Ryan's genes and the Cohens influence, she could be a bit of both.
Her eyes narrow, her left hand going to her ear. A bit of a tick of hers, a nervous tick at that. She touches her butterfly earrings -- her favorites, making them worry over the fact she has ninety bucks on her ears -- before letting her hand drop.
"Your project will be right there when we get back," Seth says with a shrug, watching Danni turn to him.
She seems to be considering it, before saying. "Dad. Finish? Back and finish? Promise?"
Seth smiles. Danni had already taken to calling Ryan, Daddy, so after that it was only a matter of choosing the right appellative for Seth, and he didn't like papa. What had touched Seth the most, only three days after he had leaned over and kissed Ryan, was that it had been Ryan's idea that Danni called Seth Dad.
"Yes, you can finish it when we get back," Seth says with a nod, closing the space between him and his daughter. "I promise. We won't move a single thing." It has made Laura come up with very creative ways not to let the dust settle on the mat, or on Danni's blocks, and they will have to give her a bonus at the end of the month, but yeah, they could do that. "It'll be exactly the way you left it when we get back."
Danni gives him a toothy grin before reaching for him, arms stretched, hands closing and opening. "Up. Go. Now. Gamma, gampa!"
Not a command or anything, no, not his daughter. With a smile, Seth nods, picking Danni up and settling her comfortably on his hip. "Yeah, now you wanna go see your grandparents. I'll tell them they come second to your blocks," he says with a smile.
Ryan rolls his eyes. "Right." He picks up a couple of the bags, looking over his shoulder at Seth. "Aren't you gonna help?"
Seth's grin widens. "I've got the kid, don't I?"
Ryan glares and Seth can only chuckle. "You planned this."
Actually, Seth hadn't, but it had worked to his advantage. Seth smirks, leaning over and kissing Ryan's lips. Ryan doesn't stop glaring at him. His hand moves to cup Ryan's cheek and jaw, thumb caressing his cheekbone. His throat tight, he can't help but whisper, "we're doing fine, don't you think?"
Seth watches Ryan swallow, slowly and thickly, biting his lower lip for a second. He knows Ryan, in a way that he has never known anyone else so completely, so surely. And this is a fear they had both shared, every night they had stood next to Danni's bed, doing nothing but silently watching her. Doing something wrong, making a mistake and causing Danni harm, fucking it up. So many things could go wrong, all they had to do was make one mistake, and something could happen, Danni could get hurt, Danni could--
Danni had lost her mother, had stopped seeing her grandmother daily, had moved from the city she knew, to live with two guys she had never seen before, in an apartment even new to the two of them, with a nanny she just met. They understood. She needed time. They had given her that time. Seth thinks that might have been the most important decision in his life so far.
"We're doing just fine," Seth adds after a second, his eyes fixed on Ryan's. He shifts Danni on his right arm, feeling her settling her face against his shoulder.
Ryan takes in a shaky breath, his hands cupping either side of Seth's face, and pulls him in for a kiss. The kiss feels like a full conversation. It's an argument and an apology, a lecture and a lullaby. It's words they don't say about a choice they realize was always the right one.
"I love you," Ryan whispers against Seth's lips as he pulls away, barely away, nose nuzzling Seth's own, breath against Seth's lips.
Seth grins, nodding as he does so. His left hand stays on Ryan's hip, keeping him close, keeping him here. "I love you too."
"Dad."
Ryan chuckles, a shaky sound in nothing but breath. Seth can hear the words he doesn't say, hear the redness in Ryan's eyes.
"Daddy."
Seth chuckles as well, Danni's voice nothing but a whine, and he shifts her, placing a quick kiss on Ryan's lips before pulling away. "Yes, yes," he says, picking up one of Danni's bags. "Yes, munchkin, we're going. We're going."
"Gamma! Gampa!" Danni bounces in Seth's arms, and he places his left hand on her back, just in case she decides to take any backwards nose-dives, which she's very fond of when in arms. "Ossean!"
Seth groans, shaking his head as he does so. "Oh, no. That was Dad, that's for sure. That's him filling her head with thoughts of waves and surfing and--"
Seth hears Ryan snort, but doesn't dignify that with looking over his shoulder.
"Oh, please," Ryan says, grunting under his breath. Seth smiles. He'll take Danni to the car, have Ryan make the second trip back for the bags. "Like I haven't seen you showing Danni comics."
Seth's eyes narrow, looking over his shoulder, smirking as he sees Ryan with two suitcases and one bag. "I'm only educating her."
"Yeah. Right."
"What? One is never too young to learn about the Justice League and--"
"Dad!"
Seth shifts her, blowing a raspberry on her neck, hearing her giggling. His left hand stays on her back, feeling her wanting to throw herself backwards. Those kamikaze tendencies are totally Ryan's. "Yes, we're going. I thought you didn't want to go."
Danni can glare at Seth like only Ryan can. Seth smiles. It's not like he isn't immune by now. Repeated exposure and all that. "Daddy?"
Seth kisses her cheek, looking over his shoulder at Ryan, who's hefting more bags that he can handle. Seth should help him. He really should. If he didn't have the baby with him. "Yes, Daddy's coming with us." Pausing by the elevator door and hitting the down button, Seth grins at Ryan as he has trouble closing the door. "Coming dear?"
Ryan shoots him another glare. Yep. Totally immune. "Asshole."
"Daddy?"
"Nothing, sweetie."
Seth laughs, Danni following suit when he blows her another raspberry.
Seth and Ryan sit in the back of the car, Sandy driving and Kirsten next to him, Danni safely in her carseat. Kirsten keeps turning back to look at Danni, to talk with her, and Danni keeps extending her arms, opening and closing her hands, demanding to be picked up by Gramma.
"When we get home, Danni," Ryan says tiredly, leaning back, and Seth reaches behind the carseat to touch Ryan's forehead.
Seth can see Ryan smile, lean into the touch, and he glances at his parents from the corner of his eyes. His mother grins at him, smile wide, and his dad nods at him through the rearview mirror. He remembers telling them in clipped words about how he was going to move to Ryan's bedroom the weekend the parents came to Berkeley to visit. And he remembers particularly well how neither of them had seemed a bit surprised about it.
They arrive at the house before long, Seth picking up Danni because Ryan's tired enough for the two of them. Danni keeps squirming in his arms, but he won't put her down, not until they are inside, safe, and then she can run all she wants.
He finally puts Danni down in the living room, and she scrambles away, to the kitchen and then straight to the den, feet running as fast as they can take her.
"Hey!" He calls out for her, but she's no longer listening to him. She's enthralled by the new set of Legos she finds on the carpet, waiting for her, like they knew she was coming for them.
"You know you're spoiling her, don't you?"
Seth snorts hearing Ryan's voice, looking over his shoulder to see Ryan smile and shake his head. But of course they know. And they'll keep on doing it until Danni goes to graduate school, and even then, they might only slow down, not stop completely.
His mother doesn't even acknowledge that with an answer, only grins, mug of coffee in her hands as she leans back and watches Danni start stacking one on top of the other.
"Gamma!"
Kirsten grins, putting the mug behind her on the counter, before going for Danni on the carpet. "What sweetie?"
"Play," Danni demands, a frown on her forehead, her eyes narrowing.
Seth sighs softly, his arms limp and lazy at the look on Danni's face. She looks as much like Ryan as she did the moment Seth met her, sitting in that very same place, playing with Legos very much like the ones she has.
She hasn't changed. If anything, she looks more like Ryan now, with the curt responses when she's feeling blue or wronged, like when they tell her she has to go to bed and she thinks she still has a good hour of play in her.
But his mother complies, because this is her granddaughter asking her to sit on her Persian carpet and play with the Legos she gave her, wearing the expensive earrings she bought her.
Seth leans back, hip against the back of the couch, and watches as his mother sits cross-legged on the floor, his father joining her after a minute.
"She'll be spoiled rotten by the time we get back," Ryan says from behind, from the side, his hip touching Seth's.
Seth smiles at the simple touch, at the private touch. He leans back, leaning slightly against Ryan's own body, closing his eyes at the warmth and the feeling of familiarity that has not grown old with time.
"You're cooking."
Seth laughs at Ryan's words, a shake of his head. "Oh, no," he says, looking over his shoulder, and Ryan's face is right there, Ryan's chin on Seth's shoulder. "We're cooking. My parents can have their granddaughter’s undivided attention and we can try and not burn the turkey."
Ryan grins, nodding, before placing a small kiss on Seth's lips. "Okay. Good
Seth nods, turning around once again, the right side of his body touching Ryan's left side. His right hand flexes for a second before Ryan's left hand finds its place on Seth's waist, and Seth moves his to take Ryan's right in his own.
On the carpet, Danni shifts and reaches for her yellow block, and gives it to Kirsten. Kirsten chuckles, accepting it and thanking Danni, but Danni shakes her head. Kirsten frowns, not knowing what to do, before Danni stands up and takes the block from Kirsten's hands and, slowly, very carefully, places it on top of the five block tower she has made.
Danni grins, a toothy grin wide on her lips, and Kirsten chuckles and Sandy takes Kirsten's hands in his and Seth can see Ryan in their daughter's eyes and smile and movement and her every breath.
Finished: January 1st. 8.19pm - January 14th. 1.36am
Also, I know that in the show, Theresa's baby is a boy named Daniel, but I thought a baby girl would fit the story a little bit better.
