There but for the grace of God
by M. F. Luder
100. fate
Seth sighs, pushes the French doors open and walks out of the house. The wind has picked up as the sun has started to set in the changing sky. Seth glances at it from the corner of his eyes, oranges and pinks and yellows that blend with blue with nothing but color. He shoves his hands in his pockets, telling himself it’s the cold and not the worry as he continues on his way through the back yard, past the pool and toward the corner of the property.
He can see Ryan standing there, arms around his chest, hands tucked tight under his armpits. Seth has only seen him like this once before. He knows he shouldn't have been present that time but when he saw Ryan leaving the table, the first time his mother had been over, and Seth couldn't just stay put. He had excused himself and followed Ryan, and saw him standing exactly like this. Hurting, bleeding from the inside out, and just like then, Seth had felt like could do nothing to fix it.
He stands to Ryan's right for a second and breathes in the cooling air around him. Ryan doesn't speak, and Seth knows he doesn't need to. There's no need for words when they can understand what the other means, what the other wants to say even though they can't quite formulate the words.
Death has left them bereft, alone and shattered, and when Ryan closes his eyes in pain, Seth bites down on his lower lip and his left hand curls into a fist to keep himself from reaching out.
His throat seems to close down with emotion he doesn't recognize, doesn't even dare name for fear of what the name might be. He knows that he suffers for Ryan, not for Marissa. He aches from the loneliness he can see in Ryan's eyes, not for the friend he has lost. There's something wrong with that, or at least the should be, but Seth can't find it himself to feel it wrong, but right, incredibly right.
Ryan turns to him, his lips pressed into a thin line, his eyes clouded with sorrow that he can't talk about, and Seth feels his chest constrict at the pain there. He can't do this, he realizes, he can't just stand here and watch his friend suffer and not do anything.
Seth blinks, and when he opens his eyes, the sky behind Ryan comes into focus. It has turned orange and dark red, like the blood he saw in Ryan's hands on the night of graduation. There are lines of dark blue, akin to Ryan's eyes dilated by shock and confusion.
"Ryan--"
The word dies on his lips, because there are no words that can change their past, that can mend their present. Ryan shakes his head, and Seth can see something move across Ryan's face, in Ryan's eyes. But it's gone before Seth can find out where it came from, before Seth can give it a name. Instead he can only wonder where it went.
Instead he reaches out for Ryan, his right hand hanging in mid-air. It curls into a fist, nails digging into his palm, his hesitation making his eyes close. He doesn't say anything, he barely even breathes, but as he exhales, he opens his eyes and reaches out and finally, finally, touches Ryan's shoulder.
Ryan looks up, a myriad of emotions in his eyes and Seth can only name two of them, fear and confusion. Seth's chest contracts in pain once again because somehow he put that fear in those eyes. But he had to reach out. In this moment time has stilled for them and for them alone. He takes a step forward, his hand moving from Ryan's shoulder down his arm, touching the inside of his elbow. His hand uncurls, fingers hovering over his forearm until they touch the inside of Ryan's palm. Seth can see Ryan shudder from the contact, his blue eyes darken for a second before there's nothing but blankness on the face Seth knows better than his own.
He has seen a multitude of expressions across Ryan's face, Ryan's eyes, and he has seen even more not expressed but held back. Seth wishes Ryan wouldn't hold anything back from him.
"Ryan," he says again his voice catching in his throat.
Ryan doesn't answer but blinks at him fear shining in his deep blue eyes. And something else. Something Seth never thought he'd see in anything but his own reflection. Love, sheer and undiluted, passionate and indescribable, and it is then that Seth takes the leap of faith he never thought himself possible of making.
He steps forward, closer, until they are almost touching, close enough that Seth can see Ryan breathing faster, his eyes darkening once again. He reaches for Ryan's chin, cupping it lovingly, in nothing but adoration, and a whimper leaves Ryan's lips as he leans into the touch.
Seth plunges forward with his eyes closed, with fear and love in his chest, and his lips touch Ryan's in a perfect kiss. They are shy as they first touch, but shyness morphs into familiarity within the blink of an eye, with the tick of a second. Their hands find their way to the other's body, to hips and backs and napes and cheeks. Their lips map the other's mouth, the others cheek and eyebrows and closed eyelids and when they touch, they taste saltiness, neither saying a word, only coving such touch with love and promises of future.
When they pull apart, Seth can see everything in Ryan's eyes that he hasn't seen in the last two weeks since graduation. He can see his future in those eyes, and he can't help but smile at what he sees.
Ryan ducks his head before giving it a shake, and Seth silences him with another kiss.
"Don't," Seth says, his voice tight, because he can almost hear the words Ryan's about to say. "No, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Not Summer, not my plans, nothing. Only us, Ryan, God--"
Ryan leans forward and kisses Seth, doing silencing of his own. "Us," Ryan breathes out, the corner of his lips touching Seth's cheek.
Seth nods. "Us."
In the following days, Seth breaks up with Summer and they tell the parents. The surprise doesn't come from them, but from the boys, at the lack of surprise from the parents. Plans are unmade and new ones are formed. Seth sends his request to Berkeley for the fall semester, when he will start college with Ryan, and they stay in Newport until the first week of January.
They share a small apartment in Foothill Student Housing, big enough for the two of them. They meet for lunch in between classes. Seth meets Ryan's Civil Engineering friends, and never understands more than five words within two sentences. His own English friends always talk about books and sometimes about politics. Ryan enjoys spending time with them, with Seth and with Seth's friends, even though Seth might never understand the reasoning behind that. Ryan places his arms around Seth's waist when they are together, among friends or alone, and Seth can lean back and close his eyes and smell of oranges and the ocean and Ryan.
At night, after Ryan has read all he can read and his brain can process, after Seth turns off the light on his side of the bed and places the bookmark in between the pages of the latest book he has to read for class, the bed dips under Ryan's weight and Seth watches with nothing but love in his eyes as Ryan turns to his side and places one arm over Seth's shoulder.
Seth smiles, turning them around until he's on top of Ryan, slowly making his way down Ryan's body. Seth's lips find their way down nothing but perfect skin. Ryan moans and whimpers, hands reaching down, wanting to touch Seth's cheek, Seth's lips, to bring Seth's mouth against his own, but Seth refuses. He loves to watch Ryan squirm under his touch until he's so hard, when Seth nuzzles Ryan's pubic hair, Ryan groans something unintelligible in between clenched teeth.
Seth grins, because this is what he lives for. These moments in time when everything is good and perfect, when he can reach and touch Ryan's flawless skin. When he makes his way upwards once again and his eyes find Ryan's, blue eyes gaze back at him with nothing but love.
"I love you," Ryan mutters into the dead of the night, eyes unblinking, hand reaching to cup Seth's cheek. Seth leans into the touch because this is him, this is them, and he can't do anything but.
They find their way into one another, fitting perfectly. Seth kneels between Ryan's legs. Ryan lifts them, hooking them around Seth’s waist before he pulls him closer. Closer, perfectly and beautifully. When they come, Seth rests his forehead on Ryan's shoulder, kissing his way down Ryan's collarbone, right hand in Ryan's, fingers intertwined.
"I love you," Ryan whispers into Seth's hair, and Seth smiles, kissing the soft and tender skin under his lips.
"I love you," he answers back.
They graduate with their peers, and as expected, Ryan makes his way to the Newport Group as one of newest acquisitions in the Construction Department. Ryan follows his Civil Engineering Degree with a Masters in Structural Analysis while Seth ponders between a Masters of his own or another Minor, or maybe both.
They fight like old married couples, about stupid things like forgetting to call when one is running late, like not taking clothes to the dry cleaners and even forgetting they were supposed to have a date on a Friday night.
His dad's sister moves to LA because of her husband's work and when Ryan meets them, Seth introduces Ryan as his partner. Claire's children, two small girls under the age of six, know Ryan as their uncle. The surprise on Ryan's face the first time that word leaves the girls' lips makes Seth smile that same night as they curl together in bed.
They've been together over five years and Seth sighs before breathing in the scent of Ryan's hair and runs one hand down Ryan's back to cup an ass cheek. In response, Ryan snuggles closer, and Seth hears his breath starting to even out as he drifts off to sleep.
Seth takes in a shaky breath, blinks, before shaking Ryan slightly.
"Huh? What?"
Seth smiles, hearing sleep in Ryan's voice. "I love you," he says, and Ryan chuckles, the laughter hiding in a groan that follows.
"I know. Me too. Now let me sleep."
Seth laughs this time and shakes Ryan again, and Ryan responds with squeezing the flesh under his hands, which happens to be Seth's right side.
"Hey."
Ryan smiles against the shoulder where his face is resting on. "You started it."
"Marry me."
Seth blinks, looking down at the angle of Ryan's neck, the soft blond hair ticking his chin and throat, before the head lifts from its position over his left shoulder and blue eyes blink back at him in surprise and shock. "What?"
Seth can't help but grin. "Marry me."
It's not exactly a question and he doesn't have a ring, but he knows Ryan, and he knows a ring would only make the guy glare at him.
Seth doesn't hesitate as his hands start making their way down and up Ryan's back, and Ryan blinks once again, his eyes betraying nothing, his lips a calm set line.
Ryan lays down his head once again on Seth's shoulder, the way they always sleep. A kiss is planted on Seth's neck, under his throat, where his pulse beats strong and then lips touch his ear and Ryan whispers, "yes."
Seth blinks, and when he opens his eyes, light comes brightly into focus. His hands are empty, he's standing and not lying down and his life has found no future. The sky behind Ryan comes into focus. It has turned orange and dark red, like the blood he saw in Ryan's hands on the night of graduation. There are lines of dark blue, akin to Ryan's eyes dilated by something he can't recognize.
There are words that he wants to speak, a name he wants to whisper, promises he wants to make, but they all die on his throat.
Ryan, he thinks he should say, he should breathe out.
Ryan.
The name dies on his throat. His lips don't part. He only stands there, looking at Ryan looking back at him, and Seth sighs, finally, looking down.
Time moves around him, the wind picks up, the clouds change and shift, and the world turns around on its axis and the moment when Seth could have chosen the life he saw, he felt, he lived, in nothing but mere seconds, is gone. It's nothing but a memory, a dream, that which cannot be touched, could never be found and lived.
When Seth looks up, Ryan has shifted once again and is now looking at the sky, hands holding his forearms, fingers digging into soft flesh. Flesh, Seth notices, that he has touched with his lips, that he has mapped and he knows better than he knows his way home.
The leap of faith wasn't taken. The pivotal moment has come and gone, and Seth only blinked and watched it go by.
"Come on," Ryan says after a moment, turning around and brushing past Seth, not once looking at him.
The pivotal moment came and went. Seth breathed in and watched it slip from his fingers. Seth takes in a breath that makes his chest hurt, his lungs ache with a feeling as solid as the ground under his feet.
The moment came and went and it will never come back.
"We should order take out," Ryan says as an after thought, words over his shoulders.
Seth nods, blindly, following Ryan into the kitchen. The moment is gone. His breath is caught in his throat.
The summer ends and as much as he wishes he could stay, stay with Ryan in Newport, he decides against it. He moves with Summer to Rhode Island and the second semester, he starts his classes in RISD.
He talks with Ryan on the phone about the little things, the unimportant things. He talks about the parents and school and Ryan starting one semester late in Berkeley but how he's finding his way through, how he likes the subjects his taking. They talk about everything and nothing. Seth realizes they talk about nothing when he is in bed with Summer next to him. They talk about nothing because the things he wants to say, he can never say again.
He already said them, Seth believes, in another life. In a lifetime he knew, he had, and he lost before he really ever owned.
"I love you," Summer whispers as she places her arm over Seth's chest, hand gripping Seth's side, very much like Ryan used to do in nothing but his dreams.
I love you
Seth hears the words but the tone is wrong, the voice should be different, deeper, the hand should be bigger and blond hair should tickle under his chin and a kiss should be pressed against his pulse.
It's wrong, it's all wrong when the words don't evoke the painful love he can feel in his chest, like a reminder of an open wound that has long since healed. Only, the wound was never there, the words were never spoken except in the seconds when he lived a different life. A life that had meaning, that had purpose; a life that was his to have.
The years pass and Seth sees Ryan during the holidays and the school breaks. Eventually, after the second year, Seth ends it with Summer. He can't take it anymore, he can't listen to the words that are meaningless to him because it's not the right voice, not the right touch, not the right person.
Marry me
By the time they graduate, Ryan's ready for a Masters Degree in Structural Analysis and for Seth, it feels like he's lived this before. Like he dreamed it and yet he lived it, like he cherished it and he enjoyed it and he loved it. Only he didn't. That never happened and when they go out for dinner after Ryan's graduation, Seth doesn't hold Ryan's hand on the table, doesn't wink when he makes Ryan blush about something silly or something personal. He doesn't whisper 'I love yous' under his breath. He doesn't live.
This is not his life to live, Seth believes. This is not the life he was meant to have. This is not the life he could have had.
But the moment was there, for him to take, and yet it slipped away through his fingers like sand, like Ryan's touch, like Ryan's hold.
There will be times when they sit together in the den, when their shoulders touch and their hands brush against one another that Seth will wonder about, that will make his heart clench in sorrow and pain for that which he does not have but could have possessed, could have belonged to. For the love he lost when he did not move, when he did not blink and believe.
He might tell himself that he can do it now, can change his future, can take it into his hands. He might turn around and look at Ryan, and blink, and breathe in, and the moment will be long gone once again, because he doesn't move, he doesn't say, he doesn't whisper, he doesn't ask.
It's those touches that are his undoing. They make him wonder and mourn that which is cowardice that forced him back and keeps him from Ryan. And when he looks up after one of those soft touches into Ryan's blue eyes and sees nothing but blankness there when he can almost feel a past when Ryan's eyes were filled with love, his heart will ache at that which he has lost, even though he never had.
Finished: August 20th, 2006. 9.40pm