For once
by M. F. Luder
He throws the bag on top of the bed, blue bedspread with white lines, almost like clouds against the sky. It hasn't changed in the year since he saw it last.
Standing in the middle of Theresa's room -- their room -- Ryan looks around. Every single thing is the same. The bookcase, the closet, the chair with Theresa's uniform. Everything.
Ryan closes his eyes and lets out a soft sigh under his breath.
"Ryan!"
He nods to himself, turning around and walking out of the room. He doesn't glance back at his bag, or wonder where he'll put what little clothes he has brought with him.
Walking into the kitchen, he picks up the plates on top of the kitchen island and places them on the table.
At some point during dinner, Theresa places her hand on top of Ryan's, who's picking at the edge of the tablemats.
Ryan looks at her from the corner of his eye. She smiles. Ryan curls up his lower lip.
His eyes fall down to his plate, picking at his dinner.
Ryan lies down on his back, eyes fixed to the ceiling. His left arm is draped over his forehead, the other one by his side. Theresa's breathing is even on the other side of the bed.
"He's gone."
Ryan closes his eyes shut.
He can still hear Kirsten's voice. "Ryan, he's gone. He's gone."
She was crying on the other side of the line as Ryan sat in the living room, gripping the receiver so tightly his fingers started to hurt.
"He just left. Oh, God, Ryan. He only left a note."
One note for the Cohens, another one for Summer. No note for him.
Not that Ryan would have needed one. Not that Ryan wanted one. He didn't.
He doesn't want one and he wouldn't have read it had he gotten one.
Ryan closes his right hand into a fist, imagining the not received piece of paper is inside it. He grips it tightly, pictures it crumbling inside, folded so many times until he can't read the letters anymore, the edges thin and beige.
He doesn't want a note.
He only wants Seth back. At home. With his parents.
He wants Seth home.
Home.
He wants Seth home... with him.
He puts on his gray shirt over his white t-shirt. Ryan can see the sky clearing up, turning from black to starling blue. By the time he's finished dressing, it's sky blue, so clear and soft it reminds him of the pool, of the ocean on a good morning when Seth would goad Ryan into sailing.
He walks out of the room, Theresa's mom already moving around in the kitchen.
Ryan nods at her, mumbling "Good morning," under his breath.
He pretends he doesn't see her glare at him.
"You did this," she seems to say. "You did this."
Ryan can almost hear the words coming out of her mouth by the way she's looking at him.
"You got my daughter pregnant."
Ryan picks up a cup of coffee.
"You fucked up her future."
Ryan snorts inwardly. Well, Theresa isn't the only one who lost her future. She isn't the only one who lost her life.
He finishes the cup of coffee.
Ryan doesn't say anything as he walks out of the kitchen, pushing past Mrs. Herrera and out of the house.
Theresa isn't the one who lost someone.
His back aches as he lies down on the bed by Theresa's side. His hands seem to shake slightly from the effort of the day. He swallows thickly, turning his head to watch Theresa's profile.
Maybe Ryan is imagining it, but he can see an outline on Theresa's tummy.
Pulling back the covers, Ryan stands up. He looks over his shoulder at Theresa once before leaving the room.
Opening the fridge, Ryan gets out a bottle of beer. Dressed in sweat pants and white shirt, he walks barefoot toward the front door. He opens it and sits down on the steps, leaning back in between the wall and the threshold.
It takes two long swallows before Ryan can think clearly.
Two weeks.
It's been almost two weeks since Seth left. Somehow, for Ryan it's easier to think about it as the day Seth left than the day he left Newport. Ryan doesn't know why.
Another sip of the beer.
Two weeks.
Kirsten has been calling every other day, asking how he's doing.
She doesn't ask if he wants to come back, but he can tell by her tone that she wishes he would.
Ryan doesn't know whether he wants her to ask him or not.
He doesn't know what he'd answer.
Sandy told him that Kirsten has been thinking about talking with the coast guard and look for Seth. Sandy is against it. Ryan thinks he's right.
Seth doesn't want to be found. He wants to be alone.
Ryan just wishes Seth had thought of a different way.
He closes his eyes, resting his head back against the wall. He places the bottle on top of his palm. He shudders at the coldness of it.
He doesn't want to worry. He tells himself Seth can take care of himself.
In the back of his mind, he doesn't believe it. In the back of his mind, he's worried sick about Seth. In the back of his mind, Ryan wishes he could go after him.
"I never ask for anything," Ryan whispers under his breath before he loses the nerve to do so. "Please, just bring him home."
He sits there for another ten minutes before standing up and walking back into the house and crawling into bed. He dreams about Seth that night.
Five days later, seventeen days since Ryan got Kirsten's call late at night, his heart tight the moment he heard her voice, Ryan gets another phone call.
"He's back," Kirsten mumbles in between tears before Sandy has to take the phone.
"Ryan, son."
Ryan bites his lower lip as he hears the word.
"Seth's back."
Ryan nods to himself, leans down heavily against the wall and lets himself slip down. He squats down on top of his heels as he hears the rest of the story.
Back. Too tired to do anything but sleep. He'll be grounded until he's fifty. No phone, no car and certainly no boat. Kirsten wants to burn it down. Sandy thinks about donating it to charity.
He'll call you when he's awake. Seth can only use the phone to call you.
Ryan smiles when he hears that part.
Seth will spend the rest of his summer working for Kirsten in the office. Filing and mailing. Ryan knows Seth'll hate it, that's why Sandy's doing it.
During dinner, Theresa talks about a raise she might get sometime next month. Arturo asks him how's work because there's this guy who needs a hand on something.
Ryan hears nothing.
He can only hear Kirsten's words. He's back, Ryan. He's back.
Seth's back home. Seth's home. That's all Ryan can think about.
Finished: August 13th, 2004.