For your smile
by M. F. Luder
He always surprises you. You like that about him.
He's sweet and tender, loving and caring. He's everything you never had.
He writes you small notes that he places in your books. They always make you smile when you find them.
"Don't frown, smile", in Calculus.
"Think of me", for History.
And "I love you so much", during Philosophy.
You love him for that too.
Maybe that's one of the reasons you fell in love with him. There are so many really, that you don't know which one stands out, which one's heavier, but you know you love him.
And he loves you.
He sends you flowers for Valentine, not caring that you still live in the same house.
He kisses you during breakfast, and holds your hand in school.
You just sat there, on the pool, and Seth joins you, sitting behind you. He tickles your sides, making you laugh so hard you end up falling in the pool. You should be mad at him, but he only jumps in the pool as well, and you fight for who gets to tickle harder.
One night, he wakes you at one am, telling you he couldn't sleep, and takes your hand in his. He pulls you out of the pool house and onto the back yard. He lies down on the grass, so you shrug and do the same.
You look up at the stars together.
"That's Cassiopeia, and there's Leo, and Taurus," he points some of them, asking questions out loud that he ends up answering it himself.
You turned your head to your right, looking at him and smile. You like the fact that he shares this with you, and enjoy watching him more than the stars.
When Caleb comes back from his latest trip to Spain, Seth smiles at him and introduces you -- like you've never really met -- as his boyfriend.
You frown, looking at him with surprised eyes.
Caleb just stares at you, blinking a couple of times before nodding and telling you that now you're really part of the family. You hadn't expected that kind of reaction.
He makes plans for college, plans you would never have dream of if it wasn't for Sandy. He debates about comfort in dorms or an apartment of your own. He promises forever, and eternity, and a destiny that's meant for you together.
You believe him, if only because he says it.
You love that about him too; his innocence, and his unshakable trust on you, to the us you two make.
You love him. And he loves you, so why shouldn't it be that easy?
Because things for you were never easy.
You hope this changes because you really hope for an us that will outlast time and place.
You let him do many things you're certain you wouldn't let anyone else.
You let him cuddle against you.
You let him kiss you in public.
You let him love you.
You love him for that too.
After all the things he's done, after all the craziness he's shown, you really aren't surprised when one night as you two lie down in bed together, the curtains of the pool house drawn, he takes your hands in his. He kisses each one of your fingers, and then looks up at you.
There's something in his eyes, in his expression, that lets you know to bare yourself, to prepare for what he'll bring.
Still, you smile.
"I love you."
You nod. "I love you too."
He chuckles, rather nervously.
You frown.
"You're everything to me."
You swallow thickly. "I know." You pause. "So are you."
He smiles at you, hand moving to caress your cheek. "God, I love you Ryan. I really, really love you, dude."
You chuckle. "Seth..."
"That's why I want to ask you this..." His hand moves to his pocket, fumbling to get something out, and you stare at him.
You tell yourself he won't do what you fear he will.
You are too young. You're leaving for college in a couple of months. You still have your lives ahead of you.
However, you're certain he'll do it.
That's just like him, to do something like it.
And he proves you right.
He takes out his hand, small silver band in his fingers, and shows it to you.
You sit down, hands shaking slightly. You tell yourself not to be nervous.
"Seth..."
He shakes his head. "No, hear me out, okay? Just hear me out, and then you get to answer."
You nod, numbly.
"I love you. I love you, Ryan. God, I really do. I can't imagine my life without you." He pauses, swallowing, and looks down at the ring before looking up at you.
You stare into his brown eyes and sigh.
He fills your heart, your chest, your emotions. Without him, you can't even think. You can't breath, and you don't want to test your endurance on how long you'll last without his kisses.
He's yours, as you are his, and that's enough.
Seth nods. "This is me, and I'm here, for the taking."
You blink. It takes you a moment to let out a shuddering breath. You don't think you can speak, so you nod. And nod, and nod as you laugh.
Seth grins from ear to ear. He takes your left hand in his shaky one. Your hand is shaking as well, and he chuckles as he slides it onto your ring finger.
You look at the silver band, a perfect fit in your finger, and then at him.
You have basically married him.
You blink.
You're married, and that's something you can barely deal with.
But then he leans over and kisses you, and it's just as perfect as your first kiss, and you don't know how you wouldn't be able to take him.
You're his, and he's yours.
Your hand moves to his cheek, and you close your eyes.
It doesn't surprise you that your heart swells at the notion, and you smile against his lips.
Finished: May 25th, 2004.