Go
by M. F. Luder
Theresa crosses her arms above her belly. The sun is coming down. The sky, which used to be blue and clear takes on different shades of red and orange, of yellows she's certain she has never seen before.
And he's sitting there.
He likes sitting there.
This is weird for him and for her. For her because she tells herself she knows him better than anyone, better than all those kids with money in their wallets and keys to new cars. She knows him better because she met him first. She kissed him first. She had him first.
Maybe she doesn't... or didn't. Maybe she doesn't know him as well as she thinks, because sitting in the yard, back against the wall, hands on his pulled up knees is not him. Not the Ryan she knew, not the Ryan she's certain she loves.
Maybe she is wrong.
He sits there, as he has for the past few weeks, on late afternoons after work. He doesn't do it every day, but when he does, it feels like he's pulling away from her. She doesn't want him pulling away.
He's all she's got, she thinks. He's all she's got because he's the only who would have done this, who would have cared enough to do this, to leave everything behind -- for her.
She thinks he can't leave everything.
She knows who he wants back.
It hurts her; it kills her inside. She knows it's her fault, all her fault, but she there's nothing she can do. She wishes there was something she could do.
Theresa pulls her jacket up around her neck, the cold wind hitting her skin. She swallows.
He doesn't look at her, though he probably knows she's standing right there, watching him. Looking at him. Missing him.
She wishes she could do something.
She wishes she could give him back.
She can't. She's not that good, that selfless. She likes that he left for her. She likes that he's here for her.
A shake of her head, telling herself he chose. She didn't make him choose. She closes the door and waits for him to walk back into the house.
She always walks out of the room when they call. She doesn't want Ryan to feel bad about the words he uses. She wants Ryan to talk with them freely.
She doesn't want to hear that he misses them.
She doesn't want to hear Ryan ask about Seth.
He doesn't belong to her. She's reminded of that when they call. His parents, the ones that actually cared. His best friend, the one it was harder to let go of.
She wishes it didn't have to be like this.
It doesn't seem to be any other way.
She knows he misses them.
Ryan doesn't talk about it, about them, about Seth, but she knows.
He doesn't smile as much and he barely even laughs. Theresa loves his laughter. She misses his laughter, trying to tell herself it's not her fault. There are times when he can't even look her in the eye.
She fears he will hate her one day. She fears he'll resent her for making him leave everything behind, for making him leave them. For making him leave everything what he loves.
She places her hand on her belly when the baby shifts.
She was a coward and she knows this. She didn't want to do it alone, she feared doing it alone.
Maybe alone would have been better.
He doesn't hold her when they sleep.
They share the same bed, the same room. He worries about money and things that need to be bought, but he doesn't love her anymore.
She's not surprised by this.
She's more surprised by the fact that it doesn't hurt as much as she would have thought.
He doesn't kiss her on the lips. His lips barely even touch the corner of her mouth. She doesn't blame him. She doesn't talk about it. She doesn't complain.
He rubs her back when she hurts too much. He does it out of sense of duty. She knows this too.
At night, when they lay down on the bed, he turns to his left and closes his eyes. She turns to her right and waits. His arm never goes around her waist. He doesn't kiss her neck. He doesn't touch her hand. He doesn't say good night.
He's not hers anymore.
It hurts, but not too much.
She thinks she might have known this for some time.
She knows she can do this alone.
She's scared and preoccupied, but she knows she can do it alone. Her mother did it. Her mother worked two jobs to raise Carlos and her. She can do the same.
Theresa doesn't want Ryan to hate her. She doesn't want him to look at her with anger, to see his missed opportunities.
He will resent her, she knows this. He will resent her. She doesn't think she could handle it.
She doesn't have a plan, but she has will. That will be enough.
Ryan arrives after work, tired and frustrated. He takes off his gloves, his hands harsh and rough. He smells like sand and cement.
He can be an Architect, she thinks. He can design, not pile bricks. He can make the choices, not follow them. He can be someone.
She won't take that away from him.
She swallows thickly, taking a seat beside him at the table.
He doesn't look up at her or asks her about her day.
He only reinforces her choice. She's glad for that. She places her hand over his and squeezes.
Blue eyes look up at her. They darken. Theresa tells herself she's doing the right thing.
"You don't have to."
Ryan tilts his head.
"You don't have to do this anymore." She stares at him.
A moment later, he blinks. Understanding falls into place.
He starts talking, but she cuts him off.
"You don't have to. I don't want you to, Ryan. I can do this."
"There--"
She shakes her head. "No. You don't... you don't belong here. Not anymore."
She watches him bite down his lip. She recognizes the trait and it makes her smile that she still knows something about him.
"I don't want him to grow up alone."
Theresa gives him a small smile. "You'll still be his father. But not here. Not like this."
Ryan doesn't say anything.
It's better this way.
She smiles. "Go."
Ryan lets out a long sigh before nodding.
She feels like she can almost smile. Standing up, she reaches for her jacket. Her hand rubs the side of her belly for a moment, the baby kicking inside. She places a kiss on his forehead before leaving.
When she comes back an hour later, he's gone.
She feels better. She can breathe now.
Ryan's gone back to them. He's gone back to Seth.
It's better now because he doesn't love her. Ryan doesn't love her, he loves Seth.
It's better now. Had he stayed, she wouldn't have had him either.
At least this way, Seth has him.
Finished: July 26th.