In my mind
by M. F. Luder
He closes the door after himself, shaking his head, droplets of water falling onto his shoulders. No matter how long he stays here, he doesn't think he'll ever get used to the rain.
Maybe it's the Californian in him, maybe it's the fact that rain makes him recollect dark memories and lonely times. Ryan isn't certain. He doesn't even want to think about it.
He walks towards the table by the side of the kitchen, and places his suitcase on top of it.
Opening the refrigerator door, he pulls out a slice of pizza. He doesn't heat it up, and he takes a bite.
The small one bedroom apartment stays dark as he makes his way toward his bedroom. He doesn't turn on the lights. His eyes have well adjusted by now.
Ryan realizes he's actually hungry as he finishes the slice of pizza in three more bites. He picks up a tissue, cleaning his oily fingers.
He starts taking off his clothes. The gray button up shirt comes off easily, toeing off his shoes, followed by the gray trousers. He puts on sweats pants and a white shirt. He doesn't like having to wear the sweatshirt, but he puts it on, Berkley printed in red letters.
Returning to the kitchen, he starts the coffee maker, getting out his blue and black mug, "Drawing for a living" printed in white letters. The sight of it still makes him smile, remembering the thoughtfulness of the gift.
Sitting down by the TV on the small living room, Ryan waits for the coffee.
"You are kidding, right?"
There's a shake of brown curls and Ryan rolls his eyes.
"Seth."
"What?"
Ryan tilts his head, waiting.
Seth blinks at him, the corners of his lips twitching upward and Ryan knows Seth is trying his best to fight the smile. Ryan also knows it won't last long.
It doesn't.
Seth smiles. "Ryan, come on, dude. It's like… Valentine's Day."
"So?"
"What do you mean, so? It's only, like, the most romantic day of the year."
"Seth--"
"Yeah, it is. Ask mom."
Ryan can't help but smile. "Your mother loves Valentine's Day."
"I know. And I take after my lovely mother, the one who raised me and loved and--"
Ryan chuckles. "You always say that you take after your dad."
"Hmm... well, yeah, I take after him too. You know, I have the best of both sides and--"
"We're not going out Seth."
"Ryan!" Seth doesn't care about image as he whines. He really, really doesn't care. It's Valentine for God's sake, a holy holiday, and he will celebrate it even if it kills Ryan. "We gotta do something!"
"We can do something," Ryan says idly, walking towards the kitchen island and picking up a bagel. "We can have take out, maybe watch a movie..."
"Ryan, come on." Seth shakes his head, opening the cupboard and getting out two chocolates, which his father had hidden two days ago. Seth hands one to Ryan. "It's like... our first Valentine."
"It won't be our last."
Seth pauses, his heart fluttering inside his very tight chest, and he blinks stupidly. He grins like a fool, and he can't help but bounce on the heels of his feet.
The words make him smile.
The conviction with which Ryan spoke them. Seth lets out a shaky sigh.
Ryan is undisturbed by the words alone, slicing the bagel open and buttering .
Like he didn't just state they'd be together for more than a year.
Like, by Ryan's standards, he didn't just promise the world.
Seth coughs, trying to unwrap his mind of the cobwebs that make it almost impossible to think.
"Well, yeah, but still." He coughs again. Damn cobwebs. "Yeah, but we could go out."
"Why?" Ryan asks, taking a bite of the bagel. He opens the fridge, reaching for a coke. "We like it here, don't we?"
"Yeah, of course, but this is a special occasion--"
"So is everyday."
Seth swallows thickly. Two in less than a minute. Wow.
Again, cobwebs and cobwebs.
He wonders if there's a way to do fall cleaning in his mind.
Tons of cobwebs.
He shakes his head, and his brain tries to process rational thought.
It's failing miserably.
"Well, yeah, of course, and you know I love you--"
Ryan smiles. "I love you too."
A long sigh. Wow. Double wow. Three in eighty seconds.
That's gotta be a new record.
The words, though not new on Ryan's lips, always mean something sweet and deep for Seth. Ryan, who isn't one to show affection in public, who can't hold Seth's hand before his parents without blushing and ducking his head. Ryan, who rarely says I love you.
"Hmm..."
Seth can't think of a word to say. Ryan smirks, and tells himself he's not proud of a speechless Seth. Seth coughs again. Ryan tilts his head. Seth chuckles, rather nervously.
Ryan smiles. "So?"
Seth nods, rather absentmindedly, instead, trying to find his voice. "Yeah, yeah, sure. Take out and a movie sounds nice."
No, he's not proud. He picks up the chocolate, which he had placed on a napkin, and eats it. He licks his fingers.
Seth wonders where his brain went.
Probably melted and slid through his ears.
"Yeah, here is fine. Very fine. Lovely. Perfect."
Ryan grins. "Yeah, I think so."
He takes a long drag of the cigarette. Quitting doesn't seem to be in him, because after years of trying, he has realized maybe, it isn't him.
Seth doesn't like him smoking, and Ryan doesn't like himself smoking, but in between projects, investors and clients, Ryan can't find the strength to actually stop.
He reaches for the cup of coffee, taking a long swallow. He flips through the papers on his lap, not really seeing them. It's past ten, and he's beyond tired. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong. Everyone who had to deliver something didn't. If that wasn't enough, really, they are three weeks behind schedule. He really doesn't want to have to stay in Seattle longer than necessary.
Kirsten is going to kill him. Not before Seth kills him, of course.
One day after schedule, coming home one day after planned, is not acceptable. Ryan smiles to himself. Not that he complains.
They sit on the couch, the blue and white light of the flicking TV the only illumination in the small room.
Ryan sighs, letting his head fall back against Seth's chest.
Seth kisses the top of Ryan's head. He tightens his hold on Ryan.
With a small smile, he looks down at their tangled legs along the length of the couch. Their fingers intertwined over Ryan's chest.
Italian dinner from a place Ryan loves, a movie that is barely being seen, seems like the perfect Valentine's Day for Seth. More than perfect. Unforgettable.
"One sec."
Ryan looks up at Seth, frowning slightly. "What?"
"One sec."
Ryan nods, sitting down, letting Seth stand up. He runs out of the room and Ryan can't help but shake his head.
The movie continues, and Ryan has already lost track of the events by the time Seth comes back.
There's a red rose in his hand.
Ryan swallows with difficulty. "Seth..."
Seth only shrugs, smile on his lips. "I just thought..."
Ryan smiles back.
Sitting down by Ryan's side, Seth hands it to him. "I saw it yesterday." Another shrug. "I wanted you to have it."
Shaky fingers take a hold of it and Ryan nods. He wonders why his chest feels so tight. Not caring about how feminine it looks, Ryan leans over and smells its essence.
It's fresh and rainy, it smells like oranges and ocean, and very much like Seth.
Ryan leans over and kisses Seth on the lips. "I love you."
Seth grins, kissing Ryan back. "I love you."
Ryan blinks almost sleepily, shaking his head and standing up. He places the papers by his suitcase, on top of the table, and walks towards his bedroom. Black traveling bag is found by his nightstand, and he doesn't need to rummage for long.
He finds the book he's been reading for the past couple of days and flips through its pages until he finds what he is looking for.
There's a picture, slightly yellow from the past years, and the corners faintly bended. Ryan and Seth, standing together before their new apartment, five years ago.
Ryan smiles. His fingers move of their own accord. He reaches for the rose petals, burgundy when they used to be red. It has dried in between books for the past seven years, ever since their first Valentine's Day together.
Ryan sighs softly, leaning against the back of the bed, and he stares at it, two rose petals on soft fingertips.
No matter where he goes, pointless of the place of the new Newport Group project, the petals and the picture always go with him.
It's a way to remind him that there's someone waiting for him back home. The corners of his lips can't stop the grin forming, and he doesn't really want to stop it. He sighs once again, reaching for his cell phone on the nightstand. He presses one on the speed dial.
"Hello?"
"Seth," Ryan says, "I love you."
Finished: May 14th, 2004.