Morning
by M. F. Luder
He fell instantly in love, and he'd never believed in love at first sight.
Now, months after meeting him, Ryan wonders about it. Wonders if maybe, it's not really love, but just appreciation. A deep brotherly feeling that appears to be love.
He turns around to look over his left shoulder.
Seth's fingers grip the controller tightly, moving to the left and right as his character on the screen does. He squints and then grimaces.
Ryan's lips curve upwards forming the ghost of a smile and he sighs.
He had been right the first time.
Marissa reaches out, taking Ryan's hand in hers. It's wrong to do something out of habit, but Ryan grabs her hand in return.
He can't help but hope that she will not want to see him this weekend, that she'll go out shopping with Summer. He doesn't want to see her anymore.
He smiles, but the emotion feels false in his lips. He likes her, but liking is not enough. She needs him, she wants him to protect her, but Ryan doesn't think he can, not when his heart is not in it.
He squeezes her hand before letting it go.
She turns around, frowning, and opens her mouth to ask for something Ryan can't answer.
He swallows. "I need to talk with you."
He lies down on the bed, closing his eyes. He can still hear Marissa's words in his head.
Why?
What did I do?
Bu--?
Ryan?
I love you.
It was the last that reassured him of his decision. Before, he would have been able to answer back. Now, he only wanted to go home.
"Dude?"
He tells himself not to open his eyes, hoping that maybe Seth would get the hint and leave.
Only, Seth is anything if not persistent.
"Dude?"
Ryan hears the pool house door opening all the way. A moment later, he feels the bed dipping under Seth's weight. Seth's back touches Ryan's legs.
Ryan swallows. And he doesn't open his eyes.
"You asleep?"
He wants to snort. He's trying to pretend.
"Dude?"
Seth's hand falls to Ryan's calf. The touch is warm, even through the denim fabric of Ryan's pants. Not opening his eyes is getting more difficult by the second.
A small shake.
Ryan tells himself to control his breathing. He only wants a moment alone, a second to digest having broken up with Marissa over Seth.
Oh, God.
Ryan bites back the groan.
It's even worse now that he's done it.
"Ryan, come on. It's the middle of the afternoon. Dude, like, I saw you walking here a minute ago." Another shake. "You can't be that out. Wake up."
His heart is beating faster and Ryan is doing everything he can not to sit up and stare at Seth.
He doesn't think he could not kiss him if he does.
"Dude?"
When Seth's hand moves upward, touching Ryan's thigh, he gives.
Opening his eyes slowly, hand reaching to run fingers through his hair, Ryan pretends grogginess. He tilts his head and stares at Seth through squinted eyes.
"Seth?"
A small frown. "Dude, you were actually asleep?"
Ryan snorts. "No, Seth, I was resting my eyes."
"Well, I just saw you..." He jerks his head toward the door. "I thought..." He shakes his head. "Nah, sorry. I didn't mean to wake up."
"It's okay." He pauses, taking a minute to relax. It's sordid how his breathing quickens when Seth smiles at him.
"You okay?"
Ryan frowns. "Hmm... yeah, why?"
"I don't know. It's just... it's not you to go to bed this early."
He sighs. Last time they broke up, it was easy to mention it. Seth asked if Marissa would take him to school and Ryan denied it.
There. Easy. This time there is no opening.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Tired."
"Oh, then, I'll leave you--"
Ryan shakes his head. "No, I'm good."
"Good." Seth grins. "So, you wanna play?"
Ryan smiles, nudging Seth's back so he can stand.
Seth jumps off the bed and toward the door. Seth's energy is contagious.
Walking out of the pool house, Ryan's hand pauses briefly on Seth's lower back before he drops it. His heart races once again.
Before going to the den, Ryan walks into the kitchen. He stands before the fridge and lowers his head, forehead touching the cold surface.
It has to be love, this heaviness in his chest that makes him want to hug Seth, to kiss him. It has to be, because if it isn't, Ryan thinks he might die when it is.
"I thought you and Marissa were going out tonight."
Ryan turns around, fingers pausing briefly before swallowing and trying not to get his Ninja killed.
"No."
"Oh."
Ryan sighs. He wishes there was an easier way to do this.
"You two had a fight?"
No, not really. I just... I couldn't do this anymore.
It's not her. It's you.
"Hmm..."
"Oh, dude, sorry," Seth nods, eyes flickering between Ryan and the screen. "I get it. I won't pry, sorry."
"No, no, it's okay." He pauses. "We just..." He shrugs almost nonchalantly, though he's watching Seth from the corner of his eye. Of course, he tells himself he's not waiting for a reaction. "We broke up."
Seth frowns, pausing the game and turning to look at Ryan. "What? Why--"
Ryan shakes his head. "Seth..."
He closes his mouth shut. "Oh, right. Sorry. Privacy. Its meaning gets lost on me sometimes, you know? But, yeah, sure. Sorry, dude."
"It's okay."
They fall into comfortable silence and Ryan ducks his head. His fingers move idly over the controller.
"You okay?"
Ryan nods. A hand is placed over his shoulder and Ryan closes his eyes in impulse. His breathing becomes elaborate, and for a moment Ryan wonders what it'll be to kiss Seth.
When he looks up, Seth's looking at him with a concern frown.
"You sure?"
Ryan nods once again. "Yeah, I'm... I'm fine."
Seth seems to think about it for a moment before letting it go. "You know you can talk to me, right? Like, you know, right?"
Ryan ducks his head, glancing sideways at Seth.
Seth's smile is lively and inviting. His brown eyes shine brightly and seem to promise the world.
In different circumstances, Ryan would have dared to lean over and kiss Seth.
Seth tilts his head, grinning. "Dude?"
Ryan nods. "Yeah," Ryan says, his voice low. "I know."
Seth smiles. "Good." Seth nods, his hand slapping Ryan's shoulder and Ryan chuckles.
When Seth puts the game into gear once again, Ryan stares at him from the corner of his eye.
That night, after dinner, Ryan sits down on his bed, books on his lap. There's History homework to be done and Literature to finish.
He sighs.
It's far more work than he remembers doing back in his old high school.
There is no knock before the door is opened, and Ryan isn't surprised by it.
Seth stands by the opened doors for a moment before walking in, a smile on his face. He's got a notebook in his hands, but Ryan doesn't ask about it.
"Dude, you still doing homework?"
Ryan rolls his eyes. "We spent the last two hours playing, of course I have homework."
Seth takes a seat by the side of the bed, very much like he did early this morning, eyeing the books.
"Why so many? I mean, it's only Literature, right?"
Ryan shrugs. "There are a couple of books I haven't read before, and the teacher gave them out as reference."
"Whitman, Doyle, Wells..." Seth whistles. "Dude, you've got your night cut out for you."
"And the weekend."
Seth nods. "I can imagine." With a good-natured shrug, Seth gives Ryan the notebook he's had in his hands. "I though it might help you. It doesn't have notes on all these books because, really, those are a lot, but a couple. Mostly Sartre and Wells, but I think it can help you out."
Ryan swallows thickly before nodding.
It's the little things like this that make Ryan's heart stop when he looks up at Seth. The sweet smile and the loving eyes. He nods.
"Thanks," Ryan mutters, his voice lower than he had intended.
Seth shrugs again. "No prob, dude."
He swats Ryan's leg affectionately before standing up and walking out of the room.
It takes Ryan a full minute before he can focus on the books again.
They sit on the edge of the pier, side by side, drinking the two cokes Ryan was smart enough to bring on their latest excursion out in the catamaran.
After a moment, with the night falling slowly behind them, Seth lies down on the wooden pier and looks up at the sky.
Ryan does the same.
"I've always liked the sky, you know?"
Ryan frowns, turning his head to the side and staring at Seth.
"Yeah, I mean, I love the ocean way more, and my comics, but the sky falls in a perfect third place. It's perfect. And, it's like, there're so many things out there, just waiting for you." He pauses. "Like, where you are. Have you ever asked yourself how sailors knew, before the compass and the GPS, where they were?"
Ryan shakes his head, eyes locked on Seth's profile.
"It's like, the sky is out there to guide us, you know? By day you can have some idea of direction with the aid of the sun; by night, when the sky is clear, you can steer by the Great Bear, or "Cynosure," the ancient compass on the Mediterranean. You can determine the
latitude at noon if the sky is clear, and the longitude in the morning or evening in the same conditions."
Seth sighs, in awe of the sky itself.
Ryan sighs, in awe of Seth.
"It's like, it's there for us, you know? Just for us. Waiting."
Ryan nods, his breath catching in his throat, and Seth turns to the side. Their eyes lock and Ryan, once again, has the desire to kiss him.
"Do you like it?"
Ryan knows Seth's talking about the sky, but he answers about something completely opposite. "I think I might love it."
Seth smiles. "Really?"
Ryan lets out a shaky breath. "Yeah."
"Wow. I always thought I loved it a little bit too much."
Ryan knows Seth isn't the only one.
In the afternoon, they sit in the den, watching movies. Seth grows sleepy after an hour, yawning against his hand.
"Maybe we should cut it short," Ryan says with a shrug. "Continue it tomorrow."
Seth nods. "No, I'm fine."
Ten minutes later, Ryan has seen Seth yawn twice. "Seth."
"I'm fine."
"Seth."
Seth shakes his head, reaching behind him for an Afghan Kirsten likes to keep draped over the back of the couch. He places it over their legs and Ryan tenses for a moment. Seth yawns again as he scoots closer to Ryan and rests his head against the back of the couch. Ryan can almost feel Seth against his shoulder. He shudders.
Half an hour later, as the credits roll down on the screen, Ryan looks down to see Seth fast asleep. He sighs, reaching to shake Seth awake. The boy only mumbles something Ryan can't quite catch and rests his head on Ryan's shoulder.
Ryan bites his lower lip. Seth yawns, arm moving across Ryan's chest, his head accommodating over Ryan's chest. Ryan blinks, confused, and looks down at Seth. The boy is fast asleep.
Ryan sighs, his heart is beating fast and loud in his head. His hand shakes as he moves it from under Seth and over the boy's shoulder. Seth only shifts. Ryan nods to himself, his hand finding a comfortable place on Seth's shoulder. He lets out a shaky sigh, biting his lower lip.
Seth's breath is warm against Ryan's chest, and for a moment, Ryan remembers when he first walked into the house. That day when he saw this boy sitting in front of the TV, Ryan didn't know he'd be walking into his future. He didn't know he'd find something he hadn't bargained for. He didn't know he'd find love.
He looks down at Seth and smiles softly. Tentatively, Ryan runs his fingers through Seth's hair.
Ryan knows he will never regret ever doing so. His chest is tight, and breathing becomes more difficult, but at the same time, Ryan knows this is right. This. Sitting here, with Seth. Being part of this. And in between, he'll love Seth. Even if Seth never gets to find out.
Ryan's lips curl upward, something in his heart easing and his breathing becoming more regular.
Seth doesn't have to know for Ryan's love to be true. Loving him feels natural and simple. Loving can come from afar, silent, with your eyes closed. Ryan didn't know this. He didn't know just loving someone would feel this good, this perfect, this right.
Ryan likes that feeling. His heart skips a beat, a low and dull pain accompanies its tightening and easing. He sighs, a lot calmer than he has felt in days, and he tilts his head back, almost touching Seth's.
He closes his eyes, Seth's breathing lulling him to sleep.
The future, though laid out in shades of gray and white, doesn't look so black.
Finished: September 7th, 2004.