No delay
by M. F. Luder
Seth closes the front door behind him, skateboard in hand. He leaves it by the door, making his way to the kitchen.
He places the new edition of Batman/Superman on the counter before reaching for the fridge. He doesn't mind going alone, not really. He's been doing this, going every Wednesday to pick up new comics, since he remembers. Always alone. Only, this week, Zach was supposed to go with him. Zach wanted to go with him, but bailed at the last minute.
Something to do, Zach said. Seth snorts, getting out the orange juice.
Seth's girlfriend, probably.
No, no, Seth shakes his head, pouring himself a glass. Not his girlfriend. His ex. Must remember the difference. Seth's ex.
And even Ryan, who would let himself be dragged into the store with Seth (Seth thinks it's just to make him happy, but Seth doesn't mind, as long as Ryan goes with him) decided to go home straight after school.
Not that Seth's upset over this. No, no, of course not. Why would he be?
He places the bottle inside the fridge once again, takes his glass and sits by the counter. He starts to peel the translucent bag at the corner when he pauses.
Ryan would like to read this, Seth thinks. Ryan likes Batman. Batman's cool, Seth knows, but he likes Nightwing better. Taking a long sip, he leaves the glass and walks out of the kitchen.
He's halfway toward the pool house when he hears a rustle of... something. Then a laugh. Seth pauses, frowning. That's Ryan's laugh. Seth knows it by heart and that's Ryan's laugh.
He's about to turn the corner and face the door when there's another laugh, this one he doesn't recognize, and then the door opening.
Seth doesn't know why, but he pauses, back against the wall, one of the few the pool house actually has, and waits. And he hears it again. That strange laugh he doesn't recognize, and then Ryan's.
"It's getting late," Ryan says, and Seth has to bite his lip to keep quiet because there's something in that tone Seth doesn't like.
That's his tone. The tone Ryan gets when Seth's about to do something stupid and Ryan wants to prevent it. Either way, it's Seth's tone and Seth wants it back.
"We could have gone to my place."
Seth's mouth hangs open, his mind going blank for a moment. Tick. Tack. It reboots. That's Zach. He shakes his head, turning to the side, ear pressed to the corner and he wonders -- in between wondering what the hell Zach's doing here -- if the coasts are clear.
"Yeah, well, I have to be here, remember? I told Seth I was coming home."
Ryan's voice, with Seth's tone once again. Seth wants to bang his head against the wall. Ryan's being friends with Zach in secret? What, oh dear God, why? Ryan didn't even like Zack at first. Ryan so didn't. Seth knows Ryan didn't. Ryan didn't like Zack. Why would Ryan--?
Seth dares to peak, clutching the wall as if that would help him, and he leans forward, brown curls and eyes peering around. Ryan's standing ten feet from the door, hands on either side of him. Zach's before him, grin on his lips. Seth wants to punch it out of him.
And then, like being friends with Seth's friend isn't enough of a violation of territory, Zach actually leans over and kisses Ryan. Seth's mind goes blank. Again. Not something he likes.
Ryan closes his eyes, as does Zach, and Ryan's hand moves to Zach's shoulder, Zach's hand caressing Ryan's cheek more lovingly that it should. And Zach's kissing Ryan.
Seth shakes his head, turns around and presses his back against the wall. He closes his eyes.
He did not see that. He did not see that.
Ryan laughs again, a pitch in his tone Seth doesn't recognize, something in between amusement and embarrassment and Seth doesn't really want to think about it.
Zach whispers something Seth doesn't quite catch. Even pressed against the wall, Seth can still see Zach making his way to the driveway.
Seth waits for a moment, two, and then hears the door of the pool house closing after Ryan.
It's cool. He's cool. He's cool. Seth's not fazed by this because, no, he won't be fazed by something like this. He's cool. So, Ryan digs dudes. That's cool. That's cool.
Seth bangs the back of his head against the wall. Oh, fuck. He's so not cool with it. And he thinks it might not have that much to do with Ryan liking guys, though, yeah, that's a surprise. But, no, it's not just that.
It's Zach. Ryan likes Zach. That's, like, against nature. Ryan can't like Zach. Summer likes Zach. Zach took his girlfriend away and now he's trying to take Seth's best friend too? In a whole different kinda way, yeah, but still.
No, no, no. That's betrayal, in its purest form. That's betrayal and Seth won't take it. Taking a deep breath, Seth pushes himself off the wall and walks into the pool house.
Ryan turns around, eyes widening for a second in surprise Seth recognizes, and then it's gone, gaze relaxed once again. "Hey, you're back."
Seth wants to snort. Yes, he's back, and he got to watch something that would forever be carved into his brain, thank you very much.
Ryan's gaze shifts to Seth's hand. "What did you get?"
Seth looks down at his right hand, comic book grasped in between almost shaky fingers and Seth, for what should be the first time in his life, forgot about it altogether.
"Oh," Seth says, trying to find his voice, his brain, everything at once, "Batman/Superman."
"Cool."
"Yeah."
They don't say anything and Seth watches Ryan walk into the bathroom. Seth stands there, body frozen, not certain what to do.
His mind has gotten its second wind, apparently, because it's going a mile per hour. Zach and Ryan. Zach! Zach! That's so... that shouldn't...
Seth bites back the frustrated groan.
When Ryan walks back into the room, Seth notices his rumpled clothes. The dark shirt Ryan has on top of the wifebeaters looks slept in and Seth has to pause on that thought to process it.
Slept in?
His gaze shifts to the bed, the top cover pulled at the side, disheveled in the middle, and Seth can add two and two together. And four doesn't seem like a friendly number anymore.
He grimaces at the thought, ducking his head and Oh. My. God. He can't think about Ryan like that. He really, really can't.
"You ok?"
Seth looks up, face feeling a little bit heated. "Hmm... yeah, sure."
Ryan frowns. "You sure?"
Seth nods, rapidly and almost enthusiastically, eyes falling to the floor because he can't look at Ryan without seeing him kissing Zach.
"Ok."
Seth nods once again, and he can see the way Zach had reached out, touched Ryan's cheek like he'd been doing this since forever, like it was all he ever wanted to do.
And suddenly, Seth isn't fine.
"No, no, I'm not fine. I'm anything but fine. I'm the opposite of fine, actually."
Ryan frowns deeper, taking a step closer. "Okay. What happened? I mean, you look--"
"I saw you," Seth says, the words blurting out of his mouth and he can't stop them. "I saw you. And Zach. I saw you and Zach. Together. Kissing. I saw you and Zach kissing."
Ryan blinks, slowly, slower than Seth has ever seen, an almost pained expression on his face. Realization seems to hit that second, weight like a ton of bricks, if the way Ryan grimaces is any indication.
"Oh." Ryan sighs, gnawing at his lower lip.
Seth nods. "Yeah, well, you could say that again."
"Seth--"
"You kissed him?"
Ryan pauses for a moment, swallowing past the lump that has formed in his throat before nodding. "I hadn't planned this."
"What? Kissing him or me finding out?"
Ryan doesn't answer, but then again, Seth doesn't need him to. It's pretty obvious.
Seth wants to ask how long this has been happening, but he doesn't dare to ask. He doesn't think he can handle it. He guesses, and two weeks is as far as Seth can take it.
Two weeks since he last saw Summer and Zach together, since Zach started bailing out on him when they were supposed to hang out. Two weeks. And that's two weeks too long.
"I can't believe you kissed him. I mean, dude, Zach? How could you?"
Ryan's surprised semblance changes to anger far too quick, and Seth has to tell himself not to take a step back. "Is that what's bothering you, that it was Zach?"
"Yeah."
Seth has to give it to himself, he knows it's the wrong thing to say the moment he says it. He knows it. Still, too little too late.
Ryan seems to get even angrier. "Not that I didn't tell you, not that I lied to you, no, you're mad that it's him." Ryan snorts, his jaw set. "You're mad it's Zach."
"Of course I'm mad, dude! He took my girlfriend!"
"He didn't." Ryan's voice is calm and neutral, and Seth doesn't like it one bit. "You left her, Seth. Remember? You left her to go on your one-man quest to Portland."
"I had to."
"No, you didn't. You chickened out and left."
"You left me first!"
And they are back to square one, Seth realizes.
"I came back. I came back to get you." Ryan sighs, shaking his head.
This is too much, too rapidly, and he doesn't think he can go through this conversation without saying something he might regret later on.
"I came back to get you," Ryan repeats, his voice low.
"Yeah, dude, and then you go to him." Seth has found his second wing. "You're not even three weeks back and you're making out? With him? He took my girlfriend and now he wants to take you too?"
Ryan snorts. "It's not like that."
"Yes, it is." Seth throws the comic on the bed because it's cramping his style. He wants to move his arms around, to show Ryan just how hurt he is at his betrayal. "He wants everything I have. He took Summer, and now he's taking you. And I won't let him."
Ryan shakes his head. "You're crazy."
"No, I'm not."
"Yes, you are, Seth. He's not taking me. I'm here. I'm still here."
"He's kissing you."
"Yeah, well?" Ryan tilts his head, arms folded over his chest. "It's not like you want me like that."
"Yes, I do."
The words not only surprise Ryan, but Seth as well. Seth blinks, confused, not certain what exactly has happened. He wants Ryan? Like that? Really? Wow. Hmm... wow.
Ryan blinks. "You do?"
It takes Seth a moment to regain the ability to speak and he nods. "Yeah, well, kinda of a surprise, but, yeah, I think."
Ryan stares at Seth for a second, head tilted, his expression relaxing, if only an inch. And then, Ryan shakes his head. "No, you don't."
"Yes, I do. I mean, dude." Seth pauses and takes a deep breath. "I want you."
Ryan snorts. "Seth, you had me."
A frown. "What? No, I didn't. I never had you."
"You always had me, Seth. For a whole year, you had me."
"You were with Marissa."
"And you were with Summer."
Seth sighs, running a hand through his hair and when did this friendship become so complicated?
"You had me," Ryan repeats, tiredly, drained. "All you..." Ryan shakes his head.
All you had to do is see me. I've been standing right here, Seth. You could have blinked and you would have had me. But he won't say it.
"I think Summer was right," Ryan's tone is barely above a whisper. "I think you just like the chase. You like what you can't have."
Seth pauses. This has become somewhat of a habit, to be told this, to have this thrown in his face. And no, they are both wrong. He doesn't do it for the chase, he does it for the person. For the reason.
First, it was Summer, and Seth knows it was all about her because she was all he could think of for years. Then...
Then it must have changed, at some point, and that's why it stopped being about Summer. It evolved, into Ryan. And that's what Seth wants now.
And they are both wrong. They are. Seth will prove that. Now. With no hesitation.
When Ryan turns around, his back to Seth, Seth does something he never imagined. Not that this afternoon is anything but unusual, but still. He reaches out, hand grasping Ryan's shoulder, forcing him to turn.
Ryan must have been about to say something, to keep on the same thought, to rebuff whatever it was Seth wanted to say. Seth doesn't really know. Ryan never got around to saying it.
Seth kisses Ryan, firmly on the mouth, lips soft against his own, unlike any kiss Seth had ever given, or received.
Ryan's right hand moves on his peripheral vision, and Seth takes it in his own. He grasps it, holding on tightly, intertwining their fingers.
It feels comfortable. It feels right. Seth likes this feeling. He tightens his hold, fingers clutching almost painfully because he doesn't want to let go.
This is the way it should be, hands together, lips against one another.
When Ryan moans, Seth grins against the kiss, a proud smirk because he did this. Ryan reaches out with his free hand, holding the back of Seth's neck in one hand and Seth did this.
He did this. He's doing it, making Ryan shiver against him, making him moan. It's not the chase, it's the result. And he likes this result. And this time, Seth's not letting go.
Finished: February 1st, 2005.