No rush
by M. F. Luder
Ryan sighs, riding his bike slowly, in no rush to get home today. Seth's not with him. He's stayed behind at school, talking with Summer. No, not pretending to want her back, not at all. Just talking.
He snorts. He knows. Seth can pretend all he wants, but Ryan knows. He shakes his head, pausing at a red light, right foot on the ground to keep his balance.
"Meow..."
The sound catches his attention and he turns around, eyes looking for where the meow sound came from, falling onto a brown cat with green/yellow eyes that seems to stare at him.
The can seems to look at him, really look, knowing what's going on. Ryan frowns. This cat can't know what he's thinking.
He's never been a cat person, more like a dog person. Not that he's ever had pets. His mom wouldn't tolerate them, and the poor dog would've probably died of hunger anyway, so it was all for the best.
He's not a cat person, but Theresa is. She had been eyeing one on the way home from the doctor's office on their second appointment. A cat very much like this.
Ryan tilts his head to the side. Theresa, who lost the baby.
He knows it's not his fault, that leaving to get Seth had nothing to do with the situation. He knows this, of course, but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel slightly guilty.
He could have done something. He should have done something.
But he was in Portland, with Seth, and as much as he'd like to deny it, when it comes down to choosing between Theresa and Seth, Theresa will always draw the shortest straw.
When he found out about the baby, about Theresa being pregnant, it wasn't a choice of Theresa or Seth, it was a choice of Seth or the baby.
Seth didn't lose, Ryan tells himself that. His morals won and his need to do the right thing. Seth didn't lose. Seth could never lose him. Seth already has him. He shakes his head, biting down on the inside of his cheek.
It doesn't matter that he went after Seth, or that Seth left Newport because of him -- though he's started to doubt this. The leaving might have had nothing to do with him, but with something entirely different.
Fear of being left alone? Not missing the person as much as the idea of him. Seth didn't leave because of him because, if he had, then when they returned things should have been different.
Ryan should have had Seth as much as Seth has always had him. But it's not like that. Seth wants Summer, and Ryan will give her to him if he can.
The cat meows one more time before seeming to stretch, turning around and walking away. Even the fucking cat leaves him.
Ryan snorts, pain lingering with anger as he, too, turns around. The light having changed to green a long time ago and he continues his way back to the house.
Stupid now, really, to wonder about Seth and his reasons for leaving, for getting away from Newport. Whatever Ryan had thought about all through summer, whatever comfort he had in knowing Seth was in much pain as Ryan physically was, it was wrong.
It was wrong because Seth didn't leave for Ryan, and Ryan never had him.
He rides slowly, wind hitting his face as he bites down on his lower lip. It doesn't hurt, not as much as everything else does. It can't hurt this much.
He takes his time in going home because there's no rush. There's no one waiting for him at home, there's no one there.
There's no one, because Ryan never had Seth.
Finished: December 3rd, 2004.