Parenting
by M. F. Luder
Theresa is like Dawn.
Ryan works his ass off all through the summer, hoping to save up enough for when the baby comes. He hears about Seth's leaving a week after the fact, when he calls home and asks to talk with Seth. Kirsten is forced to tell him. After that, he goes back home every week, stays through dinner, and then drives back. Kirsten tells him to call more often; Sandy says this is still his home.
Ryan believes that.
Seth arrives a month after leaving, a little bit tan but mostly tired. He never got to Tahiti. It was far too long and far too much work. He's grounded for the rest of the summer. He can only use the phone to call Ryan.
Theresa works until she hits eight months and the baby is born a week after that.
A girl. 18.5 inches, 4 pounds, eight ounces. She has Ryan's eyes and ten small fingers and ten small toes. Ryan doesn't want to ask about paternity tests. When he looks at her, when the nurse places her in his arms, he knows she's his.
Theresa is like Dawn.
She leaves early in the morning and Ryan would have missed her had he not woken up to check on the baby.
"I can't do this," she whispers, shaking her head. "I'm sorry. I'm not a mother. I'm sorry."
Ryan stands there, looking at her as she closes the door. This time, he doesn't wave. He doesn't go to work that day, because he doesn't know who to leave Katherine with. She's only a week and Theresa was supposed to stay with her while he went to work. He holds her throughout the day. She falls asleep in his arms that night.
The next morning, when he calls work for another day off, they hang up on him. He looks down at her. Parenthood isn't his thing either. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know how to act.
He fears for Kate, for her safety and for his own sanity. He fears he'll hurt her, or the formula he bought, the only one he could afford, will make her sick. He doesn't know about babies.
He does the only thing he can think of. At 10am he arrives home, baby in his arms, satchel on his back and the baby bag draped over one arm. A cab waits at the entrance because he doesn't have the money to pay for it.
Kirsten smiles, kisses his cheek and walks out of the house to pay for the ride. Sandy takes Kate from his arms and starts cooing. Seth takes the baby bag and pushes Ryan inside.
He's home.
They say everything can be back to normal now but Ryan can't recognize normal anymore. He has to be the parent. He has to take care of her, provide for and protect her. He can barely do one of those.
"Don't worry," Kirsten tells him before lunch, the baby in her arms. "You're here now. Everything will be fine."
It's already October, but Sandy says he can talk with Dr. Kim about admitting into Harbor once again. Ryan doesn't want to. He has to work.
"No, you don't." Sandy holds Ryan's gaze for the longest time. "You're her father, Ryan. You need to finish school first."
If he finishes school, maybe he can get a better job than one that pays $9.80 an hour. He nods.
Ryan leaves with Seth for school two days later. He has two months to catch up with a one-week-old daughter to take care of at home. He does both.
Parenting is still not for him, not really. Ryan suspects that maybe some people aren't cut out for it. He wouldn't be surprised. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
He stays awake at night, eyes glued to Kate as he wonders what could happen. She could get sick and it would be his fault. He could do something wrong and his daughter, his daughter, could be harmed. He can't sleep after that.
Kirsten teaches him how to feed and burp her. She says Ryan is a fast learner. Sandy shares secrets about putting the baby to bed because, apparently, Seth has been hyperactive since birth. Seth tickles her under her chin and gives her kisses that make her laugh, making Ryan smile in return.
It's a month before Ryan can convince her to sleep while he studies for a test. She sleeps peacefully, tiny fist against her mouth, Ryan's gaze shifting from his books to her every once in a while.
Maybe one can learn to be a parent, Ryan thinks. Maybe one can actually be good at it. Maybe, in a while, he can learn to relax. Maybe he won't be a bad parent.
"Tired?"
He looks up at Seth, surprised. "Yeah."
"Have you studied yet, coz, really, I have no idea if I'll actually learn this. Dude, you gotta help me."
Ryan chuckles. It should be the other way around. "It's not much. "
"Yes it is. It's a lot. I don't get this. Why do I have to study Chemistry, huh? Why? "
Ryan says nothing, eyes shifting toward Kate. He smiles.
"Mom went shopping this morning, you know? Again." He sits down on the bed, by Ryan's side. "Bought Kate a whole new set of clothes. She's going crazy, dude."
A low chuckle. "She's spoiling Kate."
"I know that. Dad knows that and you know that. Mom... mom is just having the time of her life. I'm telling you dude, mom is planning her coming out party. Yep."
Ryan smiles.
"She loves her, you know?" Seth pauses. "Mom and dad, they are her grandparents."
"Kate knows."
"And I love her."
Ryan nods. "I know."
"And I love you."
Blinking, confused. He might not have heard right. "Huh?"
Seth ducks his head, picking up a thread of his shirt. "Yeah, well, I love her. She's lovely. How could I not love her?"
"You said--"
"Yeah, yeah, that too. I thought..." Seth shrugs, almost bouncing on his feet, and Ryan can see the nervousness laced with his carefree tone. He can see right through Seth. "Just in case. It's okay, though. I can be the uncle. I make a great uncle."
Ryan doesn't hesitate as he leans down and kisses Seth. When Seth kisses back, home has a different meaning.
Finished: January 1st, 2005.