Songs about Jane
by M. F. Luder
1. Harder to Breathe
He leans back, hands folded across his chest.
Alex's here, sitting at the kitchen table. Seth's sitting by her side. His hand grazes her shoulder, then rests on top of her hand. She chuckles. Seth laughs.
Ryan bites down on his lower lip. It burns. This feeling deep inside him that feels like acid going down his throat. It shouldn't, but it does, and Ryan has already learned to go with it, to try to forget about it and live with it.
This is life, his life. This is his life being in love, and he has to handle it.
Alex leans over and kisses Seth on the lips.
Ryan's chest is tight and he can hardly breathe.
"Hey."
He turns around, looking over his shoulder. Lindsey walks into the kitchen, books in her arms and a smile on her face.
Ryan smiles back. "Hey," he answers back, leaning forward to kiss her.
It doesn't taste inadequate in his tongue.
He takes her hand in his and they walk to the table. He sits down, in front of Seth, and looks down at his books as Alex kisses Seth again.
When Lindsey nudges his side and he looks up, she smiles. His cheeks hurts, but he smiles back and out of the corner of his eye, he sees Seth watching them.
2. This Love
Seth tilts his head, book on his lap as he leans against the back of the bed. He frowns. Ryan's head is bent down, eyes focused on the book, lying down across the bed.
Seth's gaze flickers from Ryan to his book as he reads one line, forgets what it says and then looks back at Ryan. He doesn't know how Ryan does it. How can he focus so much on something that doesn't move, that doesn't breathe?
How can he focus on something that doesn't glare when he says the wrong thing, or tilts his head to the side when he's listening to him?
Seth shakes his head, sighs, and tries to read the book.
He fails.
"Do you have an eraser?"
Seth looks up. Ryan stares back at him, blue eyes seeing intensely and Seth swallows in nervousness. "What?"
Ryan smiles, the corner of his lips curling upwards, in that way that makes Seth's chest tighten. "An eraser," he repeats, and Seth nods before the word has left his lips. "Do you have one?"
Seth keeps on nodding, turning around and reaching for the stack of stuff he has by his pillow.
"Here," Seth says, the word dry on his lips.
Ryan frowns, his eyes squinting. "Are you ok?"
"Yeah, yeah, dude, why? Why wouldn't I be?"
Ryan shrugs. "No reason."
He stares at Seth for a moment longer, a second later Seth feels himself break into sweat as he rubs his hands on the comforter to dry them.
When Ryan looks down at his notebook once again and erases two whole lines, Seth lets out a soft sigh that he hadn't know he was holding. He swallows thickly. He shifts his eyes back to his book. In between pages he glances at Ryan.
3. Shiver
"Stay."
Ryan blinks, ducking his head even as the words leave his lips. He doesn't say this, he never does. He wonders what possessed him to mouth the words, for them to leave his lips.
Seth looks down at the floor, hand pausing on the edge of the t-shirt as he picks it up from the bed. He puts it on in one quick movement and Ryan can see a small mark on Seth's side. Ryan thinks it might be one of his prints.
"I can't," Seth says, reaching for his jeans.
Ryan nods, idly, knowing the answer even before it's spoken.
Of course he can't. Seth'll leave now, walk out of the pool house and into the kitchen, and take out a bottle of water before going upstairs. He always takes a shower, before going to see Alex.
Ryan grimaces, lying down on the bed once again. He stares up at the ceiling. He hears Seth breathing as he finishes changing and doesn't say a word.
"Did you finish the lit paper?"
Ryan nods. "Yeah, it's on the table."
"Nah, I mean, I can do it. It's just..."
Ryan closes his eyes. He knows. Seth will spend the afternoon with Alex at the club and not have time for homework. Ryan knows. "Take it, if you want."
Seth doesn't say anything. Ryan lets him have his silence. For someone who talks so much, silence seems to work best when he doesn't want to say things that need to be said.
After a moment, Ryan hears Seth moving to the desk in the corner of the room, papers being picked up. A minute later the door closes after Seth and Ryan presses his eyes shut.
4. She will be loved
He hears them talking. Kirsten asks her something about school and Lindsey answers. Sandy makes a comment and they laugh. Sandy always does that, making people feel comfortable around them. Seth gets that from him.
Ryan smiles in the right places and nods when he has to, but he doesn't follow the conversation. Lindsey takes his hand from the table and squeezes. He squeezes back, idly.
He thinks they are talking about what they'll study in college. He knows he hears Lindsey saying that she's very excited about Ryan studying Civil Engineering, and her going into Architecture.
Quite a pair, Sandy says. At least Ryan thinks he says that. He isn't sure.
Lindsey chuckles. Ryan nods, smiling. His cheeks hurt.
Seth walks in from the living room, comic book in hand because it's Wednesday and it's late and Seth is probably reading it for the third time.
He should have gone with Seth, but Kirsten invited Lindsey for dinner and she wanted him here, so he stayed.
Seth looks his way and Ryan smiles, the reaction easy and natural on his lips. He takes a deep breath with an ease he hasn't had for the last hour.
Kirsten says something about dinner and Sandy stands up to order take out.
Seth sits by Ryan's side and starts a conversation with Lindsey. She laughs. Seth laughs as well. Seth's laughter is sweeter in Ryan's ears.
Ryan sighs, turns to look at Lindsey and knows she will be loved by someone one day, but that someone isn't him.
5. Tangled
He blinks, his eyes not quiet opening. He purrs, unconsciously, and he wouldn't have known he did that when he wakes up if Seth hadn't mentioned it once, a long time ago, back when they had first started spending the night together.
A hand tightens on his and Ryan looks down at their intertwined hands on his stomach.
He knows Seth's still asleep, the way he burrows his face into the back of Ryan's neck and mumbles something Ryan can't quiet catch. His eyes flicker to the clock on the nightstand. Not even seven.
Ryan has an eight am class and he should get moving already. Seth doesn't have class until eleven, not needing to be up until ten, the way Seth designed his schedule. It makes Ryan smile.
Ryan thinks about his class and the lab report he has due tomorrow when a kiss lands on the base of his neck.
"Sleep" is mumbled, and it's only the habit of sleeping with Seth that helps him to understand.
Ryan chuckles. "I have class."
"No. No class. Sleep."
"Seth."
Seth shakes his head and tightens his hold on Ryan. "I can't really sleep if you're gone, so sleep."
Ryan bites down on his lower lip, wanting to laugh. The funny thing is, he knows it's true. After he leaves, Seth will stay in bed, but not really sleep. More like laze around.
He checks the clock once again. Another half an hour, that's all. Nodding, he presses his cheek on the pillow and closes his eyes.
Seth kisses his bare shoulder and Ryan relaxes into his arms.
6. The Sun
"Do you like the sun?"
Ryan frowns, looking at Seth. "What?"
"The sun," Seth says, naturally, fork in the air as he looks up at the sky, forgetting about his lunch. "The sun. Do you like it?"
"Hmm... yeah, I think."
Seth nods. "Yeah, it's kinda cool, huh? Being summer most of the year over here. It's cool."
"Yeah."
"Have ya ever seen snow?"
Ryan thinks about it for a moment. "Once, I think. Dad took us to New York once, a long time ago."
Seth looks at Ryan, one eyebrow lifts and Ryan chuckles. "Really?"
"Yeah."
"I didn't know that." Seth shakes his head, picking at his food. "Dude, I didn't know that. You didn't tell me that."
Ryan shrugs. "No big deal."
"You never mentioned it."
"We were there for three days. He had to get something done, and then we came back. It wasn't a big deal."
"Still, I didn't know."
Staring at Seth's face, Ryan can see the surprise that something so tangible has escaped Seth's knowledge, and the indignation of that. He grins. Indignation looks good on him.
Leaning forward, he gives Seth a kiss. "Well, now you do."
Seth smiles back. "Yeah, now I do."
7. Must get out
"Dude, where are you going?"
Seth asks the air as Ryan walks out of Seth's bedroom and runs down the stairs. Seth follows him closely, taking two steps at a time and feeling like he might fall.
Ryan walks across the living room and toward the kitchen. He pauses at the threshold, eyes roaming the place.
"Dude, dude. Ryan, wait up, please."
Seth places his hand on Ryan's shoulder, but Ryan swats it away, a murderous look on his eyes.
He takes a step back. "Ryan?"
"Fuck you, Seth."
Seth swallows. "Dude, please, look--"
Ryan shakes his head, walking to the other side of the room. He snatches the car keys from the corner of the counter and turns on his heels.
"Ryan, please, let me--"
Ryan brushes past him as he walks toward the door.
Seth hits his thigh on the edge of the couch as he runs, hand closing the door as Ryan opens it.
"Seth, get out."
Ryan's clenching his teeth, his lips pressed into a thin line and Seth knows that if Ryan leaves now, he'll be gone, and no matter what Seth tells him, he'll lose Ryan.
"Ryan, listen to me, dude. Please. Okay? Just--"
Ryan folds his arms over his chest, almost hugging himself and Seth closes his eyes for a second. He remembers seeing that stance back when Ryan spoke with Dawn and it hurts him to be on the receiving end today.
"Ryan," his voice is low, barely a whisper. "Just let me explain. I can explain."
"Forget it," Ryan says, pushing Seth away from the door. He talks over his shoulder as he walks to the Range Rover parked in the driveway. "You want to get back with Alex, be my guest."
Seth's response dies in his throat as Ryan closes the passenger door and hits the gas. He leans back against the threshold and closes his eyes as the car turns around the corner.
8. Sunday morning
"What are you reading?"
Looking up from his papers, Ryan passes the page. "Homework."
Seth rolls his eyes. "Dude, of course it's homework. I didn't think you started reading cooking books. But what?"
Ryan shrugs. "Nothing much. Classification of aggregates by their weight."
Shuddering, Seth gags mockingly. "Riiiight. Because that's so cool."
"Hey," Ryan says, nudging Seth's side with his foot. He's sitting along the couch, his legs on Seth's lap. "Don't knock it until you've tried it."
"Engineering? So not for me."
"Yeah, well, I couldn't put up with all those authors and tendencies."
"Genres."
"Whatever."
Seth chuckles, hand tickling Ryan's bare foot.
Ryan squirms in his seat, the papers almost falling down. "Seth."
Seth grins. "See? Gotta have some respect for the authors."
"Okay, and you for concrete."
Seth pauses, thinks about it and nods. "Yeah, ok. Whatever."
Ryan tickles Seth's side with his toes. Grinning, Seth stretches and kisses Ryan on the lips. "Love you."
Ryan grins back. "Love you too."
9. Secret
Ryan looks down the hallway at Sandy and Kirsten's room before walking into Seth's. He closes the door behind him, turning the lock.
Seth bites down on his lower lip. "Hey."
Ryan smiles. "Hey."
Seth pushes Ryan against the door, mouth capturing Ryan's. Seth's left hand takes Ryan's wrists in his hold, pushing them up over Ryan's head. Ryan's eyes flicker up to his held wrists. Seth grins, kissing him harder.
Seth's right hand moves under Ryan's shirt, touching skin and leaving a burning path in its wake.
Ryan doesn't like this, stealing kisses in between classes and when the parents aren't watching. But in the meantime it's all they've got and for Ryan that's enough.
Seth presses tight against Ryan. Ryan shudders, closing his eyes at the pleasure. Ryan moves against him and Ryan's moan is drowned out by Seth's kiss.
There's a knock on the door and Seth pauses, leaning his forehead against Ryan's shoulder. Ryan hears him sigh under his breath.
"Dinner's ready, boys."
"Cool, mom. We'll be down in a sec."
Ryan places a kiss on Seth's bent head.
Looking up, Seth gives Ryan another quick kiss.
"Later," Seth promises as he takes a step back.
Ryan nods. "Later." He runs a hand through his hair and pulls down his shirt.
He thinks about Marissa and Seth kissing Summer. His jaw sets, his erection softening as anger runs through him. He turns around, Seth's accommodating himself and Ryan kisses him forcefully.
"Mine," he mutters against Seth's mouth.
Seth grins. "Yours."
After a moment, Seth nods. Ryan nods back, his wits already gathered. Ryan opens the door and they walk downstairs for dinner.
10. Through with you
Saying I love you has nothing to do with meaning it, and Seth knows this.
It's in the way Ryan leans into his touch when Seth takes his hand. The way Ryan goes out of his way to keep Seth happy because that makes him happy. Seth knows it does.
It's not easy, to sit at the kitchen counter, Ryan on the other side and when he looks up, Seth catches Ryan staring at him. He's gotten used to it, somehow, to the blush that creeps into Ryan's cheeks and the way he ducks his head when he's caught.
Seth swallows and looks down at his plate because he knows, he knows, that look he just saw on Ryan's face is pure and deep felt love.
When they are in Seth's bedroom, doing their homework, Ryan sneaks glances Seth's way. Seth knows about those as well.
Ryan touches the back of Seth's hand with his finger for a moment, making a pattern of some sort and then lets it go. Seth shudders at the touch.
Seth tells himself he doesn't take advantage of it. He asks Ryan to help him with his homework because he needs it, not because he knows Ryan will say yes.
When they watch TV, he leans back against Ryan's chest, Ryan's arms going around him, because it's comfortable, and easy, and he kinda likes it, but not as much as Ryan craves it.
He knows he shouldn't, but he does. And he doesn't know how to stop this. This snowball effect that started a month ago and now Seth is too chicken to say no, to refuse.
And when Ryan leans forward and gives Seth a kiss on the lips, Seth responds.
And when Ryan says, "I love you", Seth gives him a tight smile and answers, "I love you too."
11. Not coming home
They stand inside the Bait Shop, music blasting through the speakers. People keep pushing against Ryan, against his shoulder, and he wonders what in the hell made him come over here. He doesn't like live music, doesn't care enough about it.
"You like it?"
Ryan turns to his right, to the face that's only inches from his, breath touching his nose and he can't help but smile. He nods, his cheeks heating up.
"Yeah," he says, and his heart picks up the beat. "Yeah, I do."
Seth grins. "Cool. This band rocks, dude, it does. Totally."
Ryan nods even as he tries to remember the name of the band. "I can tell."
When another person hits his left shoulder, he curses under his breath.
Seth chuckles. "The place is so packed. This group always brings a crowd. One of the reasons why Alex hired them."
Ryan gives him a tight smile at the mention of the ex. "Uh huh."
The corners of Seth's lips curl upward and Ryan ducks his head. He knows that look, and what Seth is about to say.
"She's cool, you know that."
Ryan snorts. "Yeah, I know."
Seth laughs, head thrown back and Ryan can't help but feel a little stupid himself.
"Come on," Seth says after a moment, hand going to Ryan's left shoulder and pushing Ryan in front of him. "You're gonna keep getting bumped into."
"I don't mind."
Seth rolls his eyes. "Sure, dude, whatever." Instead, he takes a step back and places his arms around Ryan's waist.
Ryan looks over his shoulder at Seth. Seth leans over and gives him a quick kiss. Ryan smiles.
Tightening his hold, Seth places his chin on Ryan's shoulder. Ryan sighs, turns around and stares at the band. He places his hands on top of Seth's, on his stomach, as Seth kisses his collarbone.
12. Sweetest goodbye
This is their routine. Seth stands in the airport, hands at his sides as Ryan waits for his flight to be called. When it does, Seth swallows and looks down. He clenches his hands before shoving them into his pockets.
Ryan knows it hurts him, to have to stay behind. It kills him, to miss him this much, but he can't do anything but go where his job asks him to go.
"I love you," Ryan says as he takes a step back, placing his hands on either side of Seth's face.
Seth nods, biting down on his lower lip because otherwise he might cry one of these days, and Ryan knows he doesn't want that.
"I know."
"One week."
"Seven days. Seven days. You better be back on Wednesday or I'll kill you, dude, swear to God."
Ryan smiles. "I know." He leans forward and kisses Seth.
Ryan walks toward the attendant and gives her his ticket, not looking back. He knows if he does, he just might not make it onto the plane.
Seven days later, when he returns, walking through the gate, Seth's standing there, hands in his pockets, almost like Ryan never left.
Ryan likes that feeling. He walks toward him, places his hands on either side of Seth's face and kisses him. Seth kisses him back, hungrily and almost desperately.
Sometimes, Ryan feels the tears in their kiss and Ryan kisses them away.
They go home. Ryan drives because he knows Seth is in no position to drive. When they walk through the door, Ryan lets his bags fall down onto the floor as Seth captures his mouth.
There are times when they don't make it to the bedroom. Once they barely even closed the door.
And when Seth trails Ryan's body with desperate hands and kisses, showing him exactly how he feels, how much he's missed Ryan, Ryan answers back with the same need.
Maroon Five - Songs about Jane
Finished: March 7th, 2005.