Stay
by M. F. Luder
my statement: love is love
You walk into the house. Seth speaks, quickly, rapidly, and you only catch a word or two. Still, you smile. You can't do anything but.
The house is still being remodeled, no new construction men having come aboard. You don't mind it at all, you're used to the mess, the dust and papers. You like it, actually. It reminds you of the things you used to do and you aren't bitter because the knowledge of what you will do lingers with it and you like that as well.
You pause by the new threshold that connects the den with the hallway. The space is wide, open, wider than any door and you like that. You might draw something around it, just to keep it.
The bag falls down to the floor but you take no notice. You lean back, head tilted and watch Seth move around.
"Dude?"
You nod because, yes, you're listening and that's what he wants to know. He grins. You grin back.
Seth continues talking and you listen, and after a moment, he drops his bag on the couch and walks toward you.
He leans against the other side of the threshold, looking at you, speaking.
You watch his lips move, the way the corner of his upper lip twitches when he says a long word. You smile.
Blinking, you try to focus on his eyes so you can hear what he's saying, but you can't. Your eyes fall down to his lips once again. They are rosy and thin. They move with an ease you don't know. They move slowly and rapidly at the same time and you don't know how that's possible. They make you shudder, even though you deny it. They make you smile, and that you know. They make you who you are, and it feels like a dream.
You want to lean over and capture them. You want to taste them, to kiss them like they deserve to be kissed. Like they are asking to be kissed. You want to nibble on them, and bask in the feeling of them against yours.
You blink once, your gaze shifting to Seth's eyes. Your breathing is harsh and you frown because it seemed like you could have moved, in that second.
But you didn't. And that's good.
Seth's still talking, not aware of your daydreaming, or the way your hand is trembling and you hide it in your pocket.
"I did meet Carson's boyfriend, once."
You blink once again, almost focusing on Seth and you actually hear the words this time.
"They almost kissed once, did I tell you about it?"
You shake your head.
"I mean, dude, I'm cool with it." Seth nods and you nod as well. "But not that cool, you know? It's so... I don't know." He shudders, like shaking off a spider and it hurts. "Whoa. So not me."
You nod idly, your throat dry. His words aren't harsh but they don't need to be. Seth got his point across.
You nod once again. Your throat is painfully dry and you cough and you swallow and it doesn't help. It's still there, the bitterness of the knowledge.
You would have bet it all, you could have done it, leaned over and kissed him only to know what it feels like, once. You would have done it if you had thought he would only shake his head and tell you he doesn't feel like it.
You would have done it because the rejection would have been worth it to have the memory of it. But hate? Hate is not worth it. You can't risk it all if you know you'll lose. So you don't. You lean back against the wall, harder, because you need it.
Rejection hurts, even though he didn't say it. He doesn't need to.
You heard it, loud and clear. You saw it, in the shaking of his head. You felt it, in your trembling soul.
He keeps on talking and you listen. It'll pass, the pain, it'll pass. It does. You know it does.
It'll pass and then, when he smiles, you'll smile.
Finished: January 11th, 2005.