To know
by M. F. Luder
It was the first impression that did him.
Walking out of the pool house and into the house, Ryan had wondered about the boy. About the son. He had worried if he'd end up fighting with him.
Instead, he had found a kid with curly hair, blue shirt and pajama pants sitting on the floor. The boy had offered a controller and asked if Ryan wanted to play.
Ryan had blinked stupidly.
Ryan had sat down on the floor, took the controller and learned all about the life in Newport, sailing and comics.
Minutes later, Seth stood up and brought back milk, cereal and two bowls. He had poured both, handing Ryan one.
In that moment, something inside Ryan had shifted. A place for Seth had been made. Nothing could ever change that, no matter what Ryan thought.
Seth had needed a friend. Ryan, someone who wouldn't push or ask for something.
They had found that in each other.
That night, at the party, when Summer had thrown herself at Ryan, all Ryan could see besides the boobs and the thin waist was that this was the girl Seth wanted. Ryan didn't see what Seth saw.
After that, being with Seth, spending every single minute with him, was easy. Easier than fitting into Newport's lifestyle.
"Everyone here has a secret," Sandy had once told him.
Ryan sometimes wonders what Seth has secrets.
Nothing, probably, because there's nothing Seth hides from Ryan. It was a silent agreement that they made the moment Ryan took the controller from Seth. No secrets from each other because then what kind of friends would they be?
Not the kind that go to school together, spend lunch together and do their homework together.
It's easy being Seth's friend.
Maybe it's the way Seth laughs when they are playing Nintendo in the den, or how Seth places his hand on Ryan's lower back as they walk out of the parking lot and into school. Perhaps it's Seth's bouncing on his heels as he waits for his morning coffee, or the way he drums his pen against the edge of his seat, driving Ryan a bit crazy with every passing minute.
Maybe it's because Seth is Seth and, for Ryan, that's enough.
Ryan doesn't know. He doesn't ask because asking has wrecked good things before. All he needs to know is that there's something about Seth that grows on him.
It develops. It changes. It moves.
Something special that makes Ryan want to smile at every stupid joke Seth tells.
It's a peculiar thing because Ryan doesn't feel comfortable with anyone else, not like himself.
Ryan laughs and shakes his head when he's with Seth. Ryan can say nothing when they are together and just lay down on his bed. He can listen to the music Seth wants to listen, or go through Seth's comic books because Seth asks him to.
Ryan can do anything and everything. He can be who he wants to be, he can be who he really is.
Ryan likes that about Seth too.
Blinking away the thoughts, Ryan looks to his left. Seth's lying beside him on the bed in the pool house, eyes closed as he listens to the music playing. Death Cab.
Ryan's gotten used to it too. Gotten used to Seth's taste in music and in clothes. To Seth's smell. Seth, who smells like the ocean and oranges, or maybe pears. A smell that, though it changes from time to time, for Ryan seems the same in essence, deep down.
All the same.
"I'm bored."
Ryan chuckles, staring at Seth as the boy opens his eyes. "Really? I thought you were very comfortable."
"Well, dude, comfortable I am," Seth says, propping up on an elbow, "but I'm still bored. Let's do something."
"Like what?"
A shrug. "I don't know. Something."
Ryan tilts his head, eyes focused on Seth, and he wonders about things that are never said. "Do you have a secret?"
Seth frowns. "What?"
"Secret." Ryan turns around completely, head propped up by his hand. "Do you have a secret?"
"Dude, really, a secret? Like, what kind of secret? A trust fund? I don't even have one of those. Mom doesn't like the idea of trust funds. Too much of a history of boys spending theirs on women and drugs, so no, not even a trust fund."
Ryan rolls his eyes. "You know what I mean."
"No, really, I don't."
Ryan watches as Seth ducks his head slightly, picking at the hem of the pillowcase. He smiles. "You have a secret."
Seth looks up, surprise. "I don't. Dude, you're going crazy, you know?"
"Yes, you do. You have a secret."
Seth chuckles and Ryan notices the nervousness in it.
"You do."
Everyone in Newport has a secret.
Ryan wonders how true those words are. "Seth."
Ryan's cautious tone makes Seth swallow thickly. "Well, hmm... now that you ask..."
"Okay."
"There is something."
Sandy was right.
"I just... I didn't... Dude, it's not even that important."
Maybe not, but Ryan wants to know. He waits patiently.
Seth looks up at Ryan, swallows once again.
Ryan nods encouragingly, giving Seth a small smile.
Ryan is wondering if maybe it has to do with the rug that got burned down or the vase that was broken when Seth leans over and kisses him, soft lips against his and Seth's hand reaching for Ryan's hair.
It takes Ryan a moment to collect his thoughts, to get his lungs to inhale again and then he kisses Seth back. Seth presses against Ryan, ending lying on his back on the bed, Seth half on top of him.
"You," Seth whispers in between kisses.
Ryan has to run the word through his mind twice before he understands the meaning.
Him.
Seth's secret... him.
Ryan grins against Seth's lips, hands going to Seth's waist.
They kiss until all Ryan can taste is oranges and all he can smell is the ocean.
Finished: October 9th, 2004.