Touching
by M. F. Luder
Seth tells himself he will not cringe.
It's not easy, but he manages it. It's not easy to see this, to feel scars in a body he adores, in the body he worships, but he does it.
He knows Ryan's watching, but that's beside the point. Now he understands Ryan's reasons. He had suspected this. It's not hard not to, but to guess about it and see it are two different things.
Ryan shifts under his fingers, moving slightly away. Seth places his hand on Ryan's hip, stopping him. "Don't."
Ryan shrugs it off. "It's okay. I mean, it's--"
"Ryan."
"They healed a long time ago, you know? I'm fine now."
Seth doesn't believe it.
They are not much, not long or even deep, but they are enough. And they are certainly there.
He doesn't believe Ryan is fine. Not in the way it took Ryan so long to get used to the idea of being part of a family. Not in the way Ryan would pull away from Seth when he hugged him. Or how Ryan pretended their first kiss didn't happen.
It's not okay and Seth doesn't want to let it go.
It was hard enough to convince Ryan that nothing would happen that Ryan didn't want to happen, that his parents wouldn't kick Ryan out because they had fallen in love. Hell, it was even harder for Seth to convince Ryan that he was in love with him.
"Yes Ryan, I know. Quite a surprise, but dude, really. I love you."
Well, it hadn't been a surprise for Seth. Hero worship and all that since the moment Seth met Ryan. But love? Those four words were more profound and something entirely out of the ordinary. But he knew it was love.
The scar, the mark left behind, is on Ryan's upper right thigh.
"I'm okay. It's fine."
Seth doesn't hear any of the words. Fingertips touch the mark. He gasps.
"It was nothing."
"What happened?"
Ryan sighs, shaking his head. "Seth..."
"I want to know."
"I know, but really..." Ryan leans over and kisses Seth, hand going to the brown curls. Seth knows what Ryan's doing, and doesn't let him.
Seth pulls away, shaking his head. "Ryan, dude..."
Ryan groans. "Let it go, okay?"
"Why? I just want to know. I mean..."
"Can't you tell that I don't want to talk about it?"
His tone is tight and the words barely come out of Ryan's mouth.
"I know about your past, Ryan, it's not something new."
"This is."
Seth shakes his head. "No, I had assumed there was something like this, why you didn't want to--"
Seth swallows his words. The reluctance to have sex, even though Seth wasn't a virgin anymore, had to have a reason. Although, well, he was a virgin in that sense when it came down to Ryan. But still.
Ryan had said it was for Seth's sake, that they had to be sure about it, and Seth had been for the past months.
"But this..."
Ryan hadn't been protecting Seth, he had been protecting himself.
"I love you," Seth whispers, his other hand caressing Ryan's cheek.
Ryan's jaw is still tight.
"I do."
"It was nothing."
"I know."
"I didn't..."
"I know."
Ryan closes his eyes shut.
Seth knows this isn't easy. Being this open, this vulnerable, can't be easy. He wishes he could do something for Ryan. To heal everything, to make Ryan forget.
He wishes he could wipe it all away.
Seth doesn't want to know what happened, not really. Deep, deep down, he doesn't want to know. He imagines it. He has dozens of scenarios in his mind, each one worse than the one before.
Maybe it was Trey with a knife, being too drunk to realize. Or one of Dawn's boyfriends. Maybe even Dawn herself. He gulps. The idea of itself is horrible. Maybe one of Ryan's friends was high. Maybe even Ryan was high. A fight. An attack. The police. Juvie.
Oh, God. Juvie. They never talked about it and Seth didn't want to push it. Juvie.
He remembers how it was, the way that guy had been eyeing Ryan. The marks on Ryan's neck.
Seth's fingers move down Ryan's throat, touching the sensitive skin. He knows he only has to place a soft kiss there for Ryan to melt under his touch.
There had been marks there. Four punctures. A knife? No. What? He blinks. A fork? Four puncture wounds from a fork? A fork on Ryan's neck?
It takes Ryan a moment to realize what Seth's thinking. Ryan's hand moves to his neck, pulling Seth's hand from there.
"Let it go."
"It was a fork."
"Seth."
"A fork?" He blinks, confused. "How... I don't get--"
"Of course you don't."
Ryan's patronizing tone doesn't anger Seth, though it should. It only hurts him more.
"Yes, I don't get it." Seth sighs. "I wish I could."
Ryan shakes his head, his grasp tightening on Seth's hand. "I hope you never do. I couldn't..." He swallows thickly. Ryan can survive in juvie. He knows how. He knows what to do. Seth would die there. "I won't let you."
Seth understands, sharing the sentiment. He would protect Ryan, do anything for him not to go there.
Minutes tick by and Ryan kisses Seth.
"I'm fine now."
Somehow, for Seth, it's not enough. "What happened?"
Ryan sighs softly, not certain about it.
"You shouldn't--"
"I want to know." It's even more than that. "I need to know."
"Why? It's in the past now. I'm over that."
Seth doesn't believe that. Ryan's past made him who he is, and Seth loves who Ryan is, but that doesn't mean it's forgotten, or forgiven. That doesn't mean it isn't there. That doesn't mean Seth doesn't hurt for Ryan."
"The scars..." Seth hopes he gets his point across. "They are your past. They don't change who you are. They made you who you are, and I love you. I do wish it didn't have to be like this, I do, and I'd do anything--"
"I know."
"-- but I can't. Still... I want to know."
Ryan lets out a long sigh. He didn't know it would be this difficult to talk about it.
"I was... I was out with Trey. We were at Arturo's... it was a party and Trey was high. He got into a fight with this guy. The guy got a knife out. He missed Trey, but got me." He shrugs nonchalantly.
"How old were you?"
"Seth--"
"Please."
Maybe it's the pleading tone in Seth's voice that made Ryan let out a long sigh and give in. "Fourteen."
Seth closes his eyes shut. Fourteen. All he knew about drugs when he was fourteen was not get near them. He never imagined...
Drugs, knives and fights are not something Seth was familiar when he was fourteen.
When he opens his eyes, he notices another mark, another scar, on Ryan's stomach. This one is lower and seems even deeper.
Ryan's hand stills Seth's. "Don't."
Seth pauses, then nods. Not tonight. Not all at once.
Seth kisses Ryan's palm and knuckles, the tip of his fingers, his own still over the scar. He'll erase the memory of it, the hurt and the pain. He'll erase everything. Seth tells himself it's not ingenious of him to think that. It's just love.
Finished: May 16th, 2004.